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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask DP's sister to be bridesmaid?

55 replies

mermaidaerial · 10/03/2012 00:37

Name-changed for this to avoid recognition.

I'm getting married next year. I really want my bridesmaids to just be my three best friends. We're so close, and it would just be fun and relaxed to do the dress shopping and get ready on the day.

However, both mine and DP's families seem to have a tradition of having the groom's sister also be a bridesmaid (I have done this at my brother's wedding). And to make it even worse, I was a bridesmaid for DP's sister (one of 7 along with her best friend, the groom's sister and the groom's cousins). Honestly, although we get on fine, we aren't close, and if I asked her to be bridesmaid, it really would just be because I feel like I should.

But that said, if I don't ask her, she might feel a bit excluded, because DP's brother will be best man, and my brother's will be ushers. I'm not sure what to do. I've thought about asking her to do a reading (which she would be great at), but still not sure whether not being asked to be a bridesmaid will seem like a snub.

I also have two cousins who I'm hoping will not be upset if I don't ask them. Myself and my younger cousin (now early 20s) were bridesmaids for my older cousin (now mid-30s with 3 young children). Again, I get on well with them, but we aren't really close, and doubling the number of bridesmaids just seems things would be getting bigger and more out of hand than I am hoping for. But I know if I don't invite them, my mum will be saying things like "Oh, don't you like your cousins then?".

My other brother is also getting married next year. I don't know his fiance very well (or at least, we haven't really hit it off yet, although nothing bad has happened). I haven't been asked to be bridesmaid (at least not yet), and am fervently hoping that I won't, as it might help me to fight my corner, at least with my family anyway (plus I would feel a bit uncomfortable doing it).

OP posts:

RosieBooBoo · 10/03/2012 00:46

It's a tough one as where i am its traditional for the groom sis to be bridesmaid and although we arent best buddies my DP's sis will be asked, didnt even think of not asking tbh. What does your DF think?

Original poster

mermaidaerial · 10/03/2012 00:51

DF just shrugs and says "Uhdunno. Why have any bridesmaids?"

He's no help.

Sounds like it might be perceived as a snub then. Perhaps just better to go with it. I hate traditions and expectations.

OP posts:

theoldtrout01876 · 10/03/2012 00:54

It was a tradition with my exh family too,the grooms sister was bridesmaid. They hated me and were really not nice to me so I refused point blank to ask any of them. when we divorced 12 years later it was still a bone of contention
:o 1 of many i may add :o

SophieNeveu · 10/03/2012 01:04

My bros exw didn't ask me, we didn't know each other well, my parents and I were hurt, especially as she had seven bridesmaids, I didn't go as it was abroad and my children were not invited, we now have a rubbish relationship, over my kids not invited yet her cousins kids the same age were, and the bridesmaid thing.

The shittiest thing that happened to me was cousin who was my bridesmaid and dds godmother asked me and kids to be bridesmaids, she knew I was hurt over last episode, I said ok to cousin as long as she didn't change her mind as I didn't want to upset the children if she changed her mind, she did, I didn't go to her wedding, relationship never the same again.

What means more to you, a long term decent relationship with your inlaws or you sharing your day with another woman who you don't dislike, as if you upset their dd, you will upset you fil and mil in a lot of cases.

If sil and you didn't get along it would be a different kettle of fish.

Original poster

mermaidaerial · 10/03/2012 01:07

You're probably right sophie, it's probably best to be diplomatic and ask her.

Not sure about the cousins though. I'm leaning towards not asking them. 6 bridesmaids just seems like it's getting to be too many.

OP posts:

SophieNeveu · 10/03/2012 01:15

If you disliked her I would say don't have her, it may bring you closer together. Six is a bit much, I would ask the cousins to do the readings?

startail · 10/03/2012 02:02

I'd have loved my DSIL as a brides maid, but she hates dressing up. She did something else special instead.

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2012 02:31

You seem to be worried about potentially upsetting your own friends and family but can easily justify potentially upsetting your DPs family.

I think if you're thinking of asking cousins, you can't ask them ahead of the grooms sister.

I would probably plump for your DPs excellent suggestion though of having none and saving yourself a shed load of hassle

Original poster

mermaidaerial · 10/03/2012 03:04

What? No! I'm just as worried about upsetting DP's sister as my cousins! Where did you get that idea? In fact, I'm more worried about upsetting her as she's probably expecting to be asked more than they are.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 10/03/2012 03:29

I would ask your DP's sister - it's a little thing, but will have an impact on your future relationship. I wouldn't ask the cousins though.

GodisaDj · 10/03/2012 04:11

YANBU

your wedding, your rules (in a non-bridezilla way !)

I would take dp's sister out for lunch and discuss your dream scenoruo; ask her to be the witness to the wedding (signature on certificate) and to do a reading and explain that you want to involve her but just want the 3 bm's as they're your friends who you've known years.

As for cousins, I wouldn't even ask. Surely they know that you aren't "close" so why would they be a part of the bridal party? Strange if you arent and your DM is saying that (perhaps remind DM whose wedding it is ?

GodisaDj · 10/03/2012 04:11

*scenario of course! Stupid phone

Original poster

mermaidaerial · 10/03/2012 04:18

I don't think the cousins will definitely be expecting it, but just because my older cousin asked us for her wedding, they might be thinking maybe... To be honest, I think they'll be fine with not being asked, but I just hope my mum doesn't start harping on about it and my aunts don't start bitching.

OP posts:

Sausagedog27 · 10/03/2012 06:40

Look at it from a practical size, having 4bms will look lovely and balanced in all the piccies! I'd draw the line at the cousins though!

Sausagedog27 · 10/03/2012 06:40

Side, not size - doh!

Hopandaskip · 10/03/2012 06:51

You could take her out for coffee and ask what she wants. Say that you had thought she might like to be a bridesmaid, but you really wanted her to do the reading because you think she would be PERFECT for it and it is difficult to do that as a bridesmaid. That whichever she wants to do, you would really like her as one of your witnesses.

Perhaps she will choose reading and it will make your life easier, or perhaps she will choose bridesmaid -- in which case you will be glad that you asked her.

...?

Hopandaskip · 10/03/2012 06:52

I see someone beat me to it!

(I wouldn't say about the three bridesmaids though)

DeathBeforeDecaf · 10/03/2012 07:08

If it's mainly because you don't want her interfering with your clique of friends and yourself (The way you've witten your second sentence does make you sound a bit cliquey.) then you really should ask her.

Why not get to know her a little better first? Invite her for a few night's out / non-wedding realted shopping trips with you and your three friends so that you've at least tried to make a friend of her and it's not all awkward on the day.

She's the one that's got to be with a bunch of people on the day who all know each other and don't really want her there so she might just surprise you and decline for that reason alone.

If it were me I'd definately ask though.

WitchOfEndor · 10/03/2012 07:20

Do you have to have any? That way no one can be offended that they have been left out.

msrisotto · 10/03/2012 07:30

I asked my now sil to be a bridesmaid, we weren't as close as me and my other two bridesmaids but she was delighted, as was my DP and now pils, and it did make it feel like more of a bringing together of families. You want to start on a good footing with them all and you might find that spending some quality time with her will develop your friendship.

Eglu · 10/03/2012 07:31

I wasn't bm at my dbs wedding and it never occurred to me that I would get asked. I was asked to do a reading and was thrilled to be involved.

RubyrooUK · 10/03/2012 07:34

OP, I had this dilemma too. Liked my SIL but not close, but had four very close best friends and wanted it to be a way of spending time with them.

In the end, I decided if I was going to be married to this man forever (hopefully) then his sister would always be in my life so I should include her.

Best decision ever. She was amazing, making friends with my best friends and joining in 100%. I asked my best friends to help her feel included but actually they all stay in touch too now!!!! The whole thing has made us so much closer. It was a decision that not only worked well to keep everyone happy but gave me and SIL a chance to become so much closer.

So if you think that there is a chance that could happen, it would add an extra dimension to your wedding. For me, having SIL as a friend, not just a SIL was well worth it.

Moobee · 10/03/2012 07:35

I would ask her, you may not be close now but you're going to be family and hopefully will be in future. I wouldn't ask the cousins though.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 10/03/2012 07:44

Weddings should help bring families together. She'll be your sil forever = friends often drift apart. Invite her and make her feel welcome

exoticfruits · 10/03/2012 07:48

I would ask her-you will have a lifetime of getting to know her. I wouldn't have the cousins.

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