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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ask DP's sister to be bridesmaid?

55 replies

mermaidaerial · 10/03/2012 00:37

Name-changed for this to avoid recognition.

I'm getting married next year. I really want my bridesmaids to just be my three best friends. We're so close, and it would just be fun and relaxed to do the dress shopping and get ready on the day.

However, both mine and DP's families seem to have a tradition of having the groom's sister also be a bridesmaid (I have done this at my brother's wedding). And to make it even worse, I was a bridesmaid for DP's sister (one of 7 along with her best friend, the groom's sister and the groom's cousins). Honestly, although we get on fine, we aren't close, and if I asked her to be bridesmaid, it really would just be because I feel like I should.

But that said, if I don't ask her, she might feel a bit excluded, because DP's brother will be best man, and my brother's will be ushers. I'm not sure what to do. I've thought about asking her to do a reading (which she would be great at), but still not sure whether not being asked to be a bridesmaid will seem like a snub.

I also have two cousins who I'm hoping will not be upset if I don't ask them. Myself and my younger cousin (now early 20s) were bridesmaids for my older cousin (now mid-30s with 3 young children). Again, I get on well with them, but we aren't really close, and doubling the number of bridesmaids just seems things would be getting bigger and more out of hand than I am hoping for. But I know if I don't invite them, my mum will be saying things like "Oh, don't you like your cousins then?".

My other brother is also getting married next year. I don't know his fiance very well (or at least, we haven't really hit it off yet, although nothing bad has happened). I haven't been asked to be bridesmaid (at least not yet), and am fervently hoping that I won't, as it might help me to fight my corner, at least with my family anyway (plus I would feel a bit uncomfortable doing it).

OP posts:

Ephiny · 10/03/2012 07:49

I wouldn't ask your SIL or the cousins, these silly traditions/expectations only continue because people are afraid to break with them in case of upsetting someone.

Six bridesmaids sounds like far too much, and if you give in to that, who knows what will be next, who else people will be demanding you include? Unfortunately with weddings you have to be very firm about sticking to what you want and not being pushed into things, otherwise it can really get out of hand and you end up with a wedding that's nothing remotely like what you intended or wanted!

If you want to make SIL feel involved, I'd ask her to do something else as people have suggested, e.g. doing a reading or a speech, or even being your brother's 'best woman'? Wouldn't worry about it too much, I'm assuming she's a grown woman so it would be a bit ridiculous for her to get upset over something like this. And do you even know for sure that she wants to be a bridesmaid? She might be grateful to be let off the hook - I certainly would be if it were me!

Inertia · 10/03/2012 07:56

Why not ask your future SIL? Explain that you would love for her to be involved, and you'd thought about asking whether she'd like to be a bridesmaid, but you also thought she would be the perfect person to do a reading instead - which, if either would she prefer?

With the cousins, could you ask their children to be flower girls/boys instead, and ask the cousins for their help with that? With children you'd just need to get a dress and some shoes and have them stand in photos looking cute.

meala · 10/03/2012 08:03

At my wedding, my SIL was an usher along with my own brother. Could you not do something like that so she is still involved?

iloveminieggs · 10/03/2012 08:05

Not sure what to do for the best but please please do what you want, no one else. It's your day after all and you need to be comfortable with the decision during the planning, on the day and the photos. I had my sil and she honestly spoilt it for me. Not to say it would be the same, but because I was forced in to having her. If you want your 3 friends do it. Sil could do a reading, maybe a toast at the meal. You shouldn't have to explain yourself too much. If you do get it forced upon you (cousins too) ask them to buy their own dresses and shoes they might decide their not that fussed after all!!

leftwingharpie · 10/03/2012 08:17

I would have her. This is an opportunity to improve or potentially damage a relationship that will be with you for the rest of your lives.

leftwingharpie · 10/03/2012 08:19

Of course if she's an absolute wanker, and might deliberately spoil it for you, don't have her.

duckdodgers · 10/03/2012 08:33

All this "its your day" - fair enough but I can see where the term "Bridezilla" originated (not that that's you OP!) because things can easily get out of hand. Its actually the Grooms day to, something that seems to be conveniently forgotten about in a lot of planning weddings. In your case OP your DP doesnt seem that bothered I know but if it was me I would ask her - as people have pointed out she will be your SIL, it would be a nice way of making her feel included and getting to know her better.

leftwingharpie · 10/03/2012 08:42

duckdodgers when he was obsessively planning our wedding, DH never forgot that for one moment!

AKMD · 10/03/2012 08:54

Up to you really. DH's sisters expected to be bridesmaids when we got married so I ended up with 5 adult bridesmaids and a flower girl I wish I had made it clear that only my 2 best friends were going to be bridesmaids and included the SILs in another way because they were a sulky, tantruming, bratty nightmare. If your SIL-to-be is nice and you get on then it would be different (and there's only one of her!).

I like the idea of asking her which role she would prefer - reader or bridesmaid. If she does end up being a bridesmaid then you really must make every effort to include her as part of the gang. One of my best friends was a bridesmaid at her brother's wedding and it was made clear that she wasn't really wanted. The bride and other bridesmaids went off to get their hair and makeup done together without telling her, she didn't go on the trip to pick dresses, she had to buy her own flowers... It was horrible.

kaluki · 10/03/2012 08:56

As the only girl granddaughter on my dads side I was bridesmaid at every family wedding (dad had 6 brothers!!) and I was bridesmaid to my 3 best friends too.
When my brother got married they gently asked if I'd mind not being bridesmaid this time as she wanted her sisters to do it and I was bloody thrilled. It was lovely to just be a guest for once!! Best wedding I ever went to!!!

Tooblunt2012 · 10/03/2012 09:02

I would ask your future SIL as it could damage things if she feels hurt. I had mine although I would have preferred other friends but similar to you - we got on fine & it was a sort of tradition that I think would have caused bad feeling had I not had her.

The friends I would have chosen as Bridesmaids both did lovely readings & werent upset at all not to be asked. Could you get your cousins to do readings?

saintlyjimjams · 10/03/2012 09:10

My SIL was my bridesmaid, I wasn't hers. Wasn't remotely offended. And tbh the bridesmaid outfit stuff does my head in anyway, I'm quite happy to slink not a wedding a mak a beeline for the champagne.

exoticfruits · 10/03/2012 09:22

Do adults really get in a state about being a bridesmaid? Why not just chat to her-she will probably be quite happy for you just have old friends.

RabidEchidna · 10/03/2012 09:33

I did not even consider having DHs sisters as bridesmaids, we did have two of his nieces though

PooPooInMyToes · 10/03/2012 09:37

I wouldn't ask the cousins. That seems too much!

BrandyAlexander · 10/03/2012 09:40

It is your day but it also depends on how your view the wedding. For me, our wedding was about the bringing together of two families as well as us getting married. I think its very easy for the grooms family to feel sidelined so I had sil as a bridesmaid, mil signed the register and fil did a reading. My brothers were part of the grooms party. It meant that each member of the immediate family was involved and that dh and I each got to know our inlaws better because they were part of the wedding party and formed the basis of the relationships that we each we have with them. Tbh I don't know why you wouldn't do it unless you just don't get on at all and it would ruin your day.

ComposHat · 10/03/2012 09:52

Of my three closest friends, I was asked to be an usher for one, bestman for one and the third asked a university friend to be best man and his brother to be usher.

I didn't feel snubbed or put out or think any less of the latter, it was a relief to just enjoy the wedding and not have to get dressed up in a Willy Wonka suit.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 10/03/2012 09:55

You've all worried me now. I hadn't even considered asking DP's sister to be a bridesmaid at mine. I like her a lot & I'm asking if her children will be flower girls, but it hasn't entered my head to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I've always seen it as bridesmaids being there for the bride and I wouldn't expect her to do that. I just want her and her DH to come to a nice party without any responsibility.

Which probably makes me sound like a bridezilla who's going to treat her bridesmaids appallingly! I'm not. Honest!

sue52 · 10/03/2012 09:56

I know a wedding is your day but it also about joining two families. I would ask her, it would be a great opportunity to bond over dress shopping and general bridesmaid stuff. I wouldn't ask cousins, forking out for 4 bridesmaid's outfits is quite enough.

theITgirl · 10/03/2012 11:44

Atruth... If you have asked your future SIL's children, that does perfectly well instead.

PicaK · 10/03/2012 13:50

Make them ushers then.

If you have cash to splash then get them matching dresses.
If not get them a corsage each.

Include them in all relevant wedding party photos too. That way they can spend the day with their other halves too.

Original poster

mermaidaerial · 10/03/2012 14:15

DeathbeforeDecaf

I am not worried about SIL ruining my "clique". In fact, we're not a clique. Three of us are close friends and have been since primary school, and the other one is my close friend from uni and kind of knows the other girls but not really well. We're all very friendly and open, I'm sure SIL would feel included.

Really, I'm not a bridezilla, honest. I don't know if it's not clear from my original post, but I like SIL, we get on, but we're just not close friends. We've never spent time together just on our own, only at family gatherings etc. I have other friends (in addition to the three bridesmaids) who I'm closer with than SIL. So that is what is driving my initial post - it seems a bit fake in a way to ask her.

But, I really do get the point that she should be part of the wedding party (which was my concern in my OP too). So I think I should probably invite her. I am slightly concerned that she won't be involved in the dress choosing or hen do as she lives in another country, so it really will all just be on the day. Hopefully she'll be comfortable with that.

OP posts:

igggi · 10/03/2012 14:24

I don't get this, bridesmaids are part of bridal party not grooms. Would a man choose his bestman from the bride's family?

PooPooInMyToes · 10/03/2012 15:05

Yeah that's what I've always though igg.

wellwisher · 10/03/2012 15:09

I think your original idea of asking your DP's sister to do a reading would be the best course of action. Find something else for your cousins too and just have your 3 BFFs as BMs.

Having loads of bridesmaids is tacky anyway - if you have more than 3 it starts looking like a big fat gypsy wedding or a trashy celeb one out of OK magazine!

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