To not ask DP's sister to be bridesmaid?

[mermaidaerial]

Name-changed for this to avoid recognition.

I'm getting married next year. I really want my bridesmaids to just be my three best friends. We're so close, and it would just be fun and relaxed to do the dress shopping and get ready on the day.

However, both mine and DP's families seem to have a tradition of having the groom's sister also be a bridesmaid (I have done this at my brother's wedding). And to make it even worse, I was a bridesmaid for DP's sister (one of 7 along with her best friend, the groom's sister and the groom's cousins). Honestly, although we get on fine, we aren't close, and if I asked her to be bridesmaid, it really would just be because I feel like I should.

But that said, if I don't ask her, she might feel a bit excluded, because DP's brother will be best man, and my brother's will be ushers. I'm not sure what to do. I've thought about asking her to do a reading (which she would be great at), but still not sure whether not being asked to be a bridesmaid will seem like a snub.

I also have two cousins who I'm hoping will not be upset if I don't ask them. Myself and my younger cousin (now early 20s) were bridesmaids for my older cousin (now mid-30s with 3 young children). Again, I get on well with them, but we aren't really close, and doubling the number of bridesmaids just seems things would be getting bigger and more out of hand than I am hoping for. But I know if I don't invite them, my mum will be saying things like "Oh, don't you like your cousins then?".

My other brother is also getting married next year. I don't know his fiance very well (or at least, we haven't really hit it off yet, although nothing bad has happened). I haven't been asked to be bridesmaid (at least not yet), and am fervently hoping that I won't, as it might help me to fight my corner, at least with my family anyway (plus I would feel a bit uncomfortable doing it).

I think of bridesmaids as from bride's entourage as well, although I did have my ex's niece as one for first wedding (didn't bother with them for second) because she was a 12 year old girl. I think adults who get upset at not being bridesmaids are a bit weird.

Just ask her would she like to be a bridemaid or would she prefer to do a reading. Some people (me) hate being bridesmaids and she might be happier doing something else. Just make sure she knows that you'll be happy with whatever she chooses.

we got married recently. like you i wasn't that close to SIL. we asked her to do a reading instead and we had her son as the ring bearer. she was so chuffed to be involved and admitted after the wedding that she was relieved not to be bridesmaid as could wear what she wanted. i was worried that she would be upset but when she was given the choice at the other brothers wedding later this year she said no!
does she have any children? i would be much happier to see my children involved in a family wedding party than myself.

OP - I think in a non-Bridezilla way it really is totally up to you who you have as bridesmaids, but you know the family best so need to approach it in the most appropriate way. As I mentioned upthread, I'm going to ask neices to be flower girls and I know hope SIL-to-be will be delighted with that (losing confidence having read this thread!) In your situation it sounds a bit less cut and dry. Do you know her well enough to call and ask how she'd like to be involved? ("Hi DSILTB, I'm just starting to plan wedding. I'd love you to be involved. What would you like most? Reading at the church? Bridesmaid? Speech at the reception? Cheif bar-propper-upper?")

She doesn't have any kids, but we have two other nieces who are probably going to be flower girls.

I'm thinking of calling MIL and asking if she thinks SIL would like to be bridesmaid (as in genuinely, would she actually like to do it, or would she feel obliged to if I asked), or would she like to do something else.