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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am, but I'm not

61 replies

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 06:43

I recently returned to work after MANY years as a SAHM. This should be great for our joint income, BUT we just can't seem to agree how to spend. Tonight we went out and I just can't agree to go 'halves'. He is so extravagant. Even when I wasn't earning I was always the one curtailing the fun! But now I actually think that if he goes against my wishes ( for example he ALWAYS wants to get the bill) then I shouldn't be responsible for half. I know I have 'enjoyed' the spending, but don't think I am necessarily responsible. AIBU?

OP posts:

ihatethecold · 09/03/2012 06:45

Yanbu. I think he is being unfair.

Proudnscary · 09/03/2012 06:50

I don't get couples who talk about splitting/sharing bills/paying the other one back. Isn't it all joint/family money?

Shanghaidiva · 09/03/2012 06:50

You are both responsible for the money you spend. I don't really understand this way of splitting money. Surely it goes into one pot and from that pot all household expenses are paid - utilities, rent, tv, council tax, children's clothes etc. With the money you have left over you determine an amount for luxuries per month, amount for savings and money for both of you to spend during the month.

When I worked DH paid the bills from his account and all my money was used for savings - it was all 'our' money so who paid for what was just a question of paperwork.

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 07:02

But that is my question. When everything was one pot. I didn't feel that I could always object to his misplaced generosity. ( he works hard and plays hard) but now I DO object to my hard-earned cash being part of this! It does not benefit my family, my relationship or bla bla bla. I just know that I 'benefited' before, but am now unwilling to pay my way. Kind of.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 09/03/2012 07:08

You obviously have a very different attitude to money. Maybe you need to split it differently so there is just one small pot for him to do his 'generous' bit. It is something that needs to be sorted out between you. It isn't easy having a joint account if you don't think alike.

Shanghaidiva · 09/03/2012 07:17

Agree with exotic he sees it as being generous and you see it as being wasteful and frivolous, and you will both need to compromise when you have such different attitudes to money.

GavisconJunkie · 09/03/2012 07:17

My DH drew up a budget plan years ago, when we were rich both earning & childless. He is a geek so has a spreadsheet, but pen will do! He works out a sum for mortgage, bills, food budget, savings, car, etc ad nauseum, then we each paid a sum based on our salaries, pro rated. Whatever was left over was our personal spending money.

Now I don't work, he has a similar budget, but we each have set (& equal) spending money with a little pot for days/evenings out. That way there is a limit, thus avoiding 'another magnumof champagne garçon!' type moments bit giving us independent income.

marriedinwhite · 09/03/2012 07:17

So, it's OK for him to be extravagant when he's spending his money, even if he's spending it on you but now that you are earning you expect to keep all of your money rather than sharing any of it. You sound mean and greedy. If you can afford to have a nice meal, why can't you have it? You have more money than when you weren't working so why can't you spend some of it on something you are doing together?

I spent many years as a SAHM and always hated spending DH's money on things like clothes and hair. When I went back to work DH always regarded my money as my own. I buy all the DC's clothes now (17 and 13), pay all my expenses, and tend to be the one who buys things for the house, and for the DC's extras. BUT I'm really happy sometimes to say, let's all go our for Sunday lunch (DH wouldn't do that) and it's my treat.

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 07:18

You're right it isn't easy, when we're so different. I think my main concern is that I always saved my 'share' of the joint income (for everyone's benefit) but he was always the generous one and had fun. (with and without me!) I know that he paid for some fantastic nights, but I am very very thrifty and can't do the same back :) I prefer being sensible, but I still feel a bit weird. Like I moved the goalposts or something!

OP posts:

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 07:25

Cross-posted!
That response was to exoticfruits.
Gavisconjunkie that is absolutely the best plan, but because we didn't implement it originally I don't know that it can now work, BUT is so worth a try!
Marriedinwhite, I'm not sure you actually understood the OP

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 09/03/2012 07:30

I agree with Gaviscon-you have such different attitudes, it will be difficult (if not impossible) to change-therefore parcel the money and limit the 'generosity' pot.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/03/2012 07:32

You must try to do what Gaviscon said, I'm a SAHM and it is how we organise things.

You sound a bit martyrish though, saying that you always saved your share.

Sit down and thrash things out, it sounds like you probably have a reasonable level of income so you should have enough to have fun and save.

GavisconJunkie · 09/03/2012 07:34

Murray it is difficult if it's not put in place at the start, you're right. Perhaps a gradual move towards something similar?

It is unfair of him to be so excessive as it means he gets to be the hero splashing the cash while you're the sensible one.

Can he discuss it maturely or is he sensitive about it? My dad is similar & very sensitive, his money issues were his way of attempting to buy love & approval. After many years my mother finally managed to rein him in. It can be done! Lucky too, or they never would've paid their mortgage off!

marriedinwhite · 09/03/2012 07:35

I think I did understand it. But what I would like to say is that everyone needs a bit of fun. FWIW my DH's parents were both exactly like you - all the money was salted away and home was poor and mean and tight. The DC actually remember being hungry as children and dh's sisters (who left home at 18 and moved abroad at 21) recall being very poor as children. The cake for four shared around five and the constant "we can't afford this or that" and "the neighbours are well off to go to Spain, we'll go to Bridlington again".

It was a dreadful way to carry on, especially when there was money, and a lot of money, building up.

LST · 09/03/2012 07:39

Me and my DP don't share. Never have. But I don't think YABU if that's the way you do it

rhondajean · 09/03/2012 07:39

Bit late to get principles when you have let him fork out for x amount of years I'm afraid.

I'm missing what the actual problem is - he has a lifestyle he likes, I'm assuming he can afford it as you haven't said he is running you into debt, he has solely financed it for years and now your are earning and presumably better off as a couple you want to curtail this so you don't have to spend YOUR money on what you have let him pay for for years?

Hmmm

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 07:43

Gavisconjunkie. Thank you! I didn't think I was explaining very well, but you really got it. It really has got to do with his (splash the cash) personality and my being sensible. I would live to be as reckless as him. Or maybe not. We do talk, I just sometimes feel unfair that he worked so many years, but then so did I.

OP posts:

beachyhead · 09/03/2012 07:45

As you've just gone back to work, I think it's a great time to set up a new scheme. We put x% of each of our salaries in a joint account which covers food, petrol and all household bills. Then we each have the same % of our salary left for our own stuff... We're not religious about it at all but at least we sit down every 6 months to chat about it to budget for holiday or a new fence or whatever...

rhondajean · 09/03/2012 07:47

And it's taken you how many years to decide you were the sensible one
?

Reminds me of that saying - we are all socialists till we have something of our own and suddenly we become conservatives ....

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 07:52

Oh god, that made no sense! A combination of autocorrect and wine! I think what I was trying to say was that I acknowledge he worked hard all those years, but then again so did I! (rhondajean take note!)

OP posts:

GavisconJunkie · 09/03/2012 07:52

Do you know what Rhonda? Sometimes it's just ok to NOT say anything rather than go out of your way to bitch.

rhondajean · 09/03/2012 07:59

Having a different opinion on an open Internet forum is equally valid tyvm. I honestly do not get the issue here except op wants to hold on to her own money now that she has some.

She has at no point said he is putting them in debt which would be a different issue.

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 07:59

Ha ha! That really isn't what I said rhondajean!

OP posts:

GavisconJunkie · 09/03/2012 08:05

I'll just cross ref another thread, the 'MN is bitchfest' one. I get the point of AIBU but I've been on here long enough to remember the halcyon days of constructive criticism over hostile bitching (bf v ff & cc threads aside). There are ways of phrasing things that question a principle without making you sound like a fishwife.

I'm just a bit sick of harsh comments for no good reason, perhaps people in RL are losing the ability to demonstrate any manners too? Sad.

rhondajean · 09/03/2012 08:12

Right Murray try me again I'm not getting your problem then. And I'm. It the only one on this thread who isn't (let's ignore gaviscons issues for the moment, that's a whole thread in itself)

I'm getting...

You now have more income. You let him spend including on you when you had less. Now you have your own income, you don't want to half with him. It's not spending to the point it means debt.

Am I, as the careerist, going to have to point out the only other reading of this is yet another example of the devaluation of SAH parents to the point where you didnt feel your viewpoint on expenditure was valid while you had no independent income of your own?

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