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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am, but I'm not

61 replies

MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 06:43

I recently returned to work after MANY years as a SAHM. This should be great for our joint income, BUT we just can't seem to agree how to spend. Tonight we went out and I just can't agree to go 'halves'. He is so extravagant. Even when I wasn't earning I was always the one curtailing the fun! But now I actually think that if he goes against my wishes ( for example he ALWAYS wants to get the bill) then I shouldn't be responsible for half. I know I have 'enjoyed' the spending, but don't think I am necessarily responsible. AIBU?

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Snakeonaplane · 09/03/2012 08:14

YABU to divide your money up this way, presumably you enjoyed his spending too, it's a bit selfish to want t keep your share, it should all just go in the pot. What would you rather spend your money on?

Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:14

Actually Rhondajean has a point. I truly believe that my sensibility and thriftiness has ensured we have always paid our bills and mortgage. He is outrageously rubbish in the real world! Also Alibaba suggested that I was being a martyr. I too have thought the same, but our finances just aren't separated enough for me to enjoy 'taking it from my babies' gah!

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Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:16

Oh god too slow again!

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Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:19

I felt I had value as a stay at home parent, my (over) generous husband did also.

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rhondajean · 09/03/2012 08:22

Sorry Murray Grin

I'm honestly not having a go...I've kinda been there on both sides in that our finances have fluctuated where I earned a lot more, he earned a lot more, both earned a lot, both earned a little...and I know if it had been when I earned more then he started earning more again and the he told me I had to cut back my spending when he had money of his own and I'd been spending on us both, I'd not be happy.

Sorry long sentence!

End of day you have more money all round. Are your children going without for this?

If its putting you in a difficult position as to debt and paying bills, I repeat, totally different.

However you are unhappy either way. Why the hell didn't you say it before????

Snakeonaplane · 09/03/2012 08:25

I'm really confused now, taking it from your babies? Do you mean to spend on them. If so can't you just do this with your wages or out of the family finances? Presumably bills mortgage etc gets paid and then you buy necessities and then you blow the rest or rather your dh does. Why don't you think about setting up an Issa with a dd so as you know regardless so e is being saved.

I buy clothes for dc and pay for extra curricular activities on a credit card which dh then pays off at the end of the month, it works because dh hates having debt so always sorts it out and I don't have to ask for money.

GavisconJunkie · 09/03/2012 08:29

Sorry re mini rant Rhonda, 38 w pregnant & fed up of not feeling the love. Wasn't aimed solely at you. I'm getting dizzy up here

Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:29

I think I have a view that all unnecessary expenditure could be better used by our babies! I like to have fun and think that I am actually a better parent for having a life of my own, but why does my husband have to pay EVERY restaurant bill or bar tab? That could be better utilised surely?

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LydiaWickham · 09/03/2012 08:32

I think you need to have an arrangement more like ours, we have 3 accounts, a single account each which we are paid into, and a joint account. WE both pay a set amount into the joint account, which is only for bills and food, what is left in our own accounts is for everything else. Now, as DH earns vastly more than me, he also pays for family holidays out of his sole account, but that's how we've worked it.

That way you know your DH isn't being 'supported' by you, you aren't having to cut your spending to cover his generocity and you can save or spend without feeling you have to do either.

The 'one pot' so beloved by so many people on mumsnet only works if everyone contributing feels the same way about spending and also doesnt feel the need to have privacy in their spending habits.

rhondajean · 09/03/2012 08:34

Oh bless gaviscon. Nearly there now though!

Murray - that is NOT a good idea. Imagine the message you give your children by spending everything on them. They will end up brats. You work hard for your money and they should see you working hard and also getting the benefit of it to set an example to them.

Do you mean he pays for everything when you go out with friends?

This obviously does not apply if you are on a very limited income and struggling to pay for essentials, before I set anyone else off!

Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:34

Wasn't that my opening gambit Rhondajean? Grin

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melika · 09/03/2012 08:34

Lifes too short for this crap, it's 'our money' not 'what's yours is mine and what's mines my own.' I find it quite selfish.

LydiaWickham · 09/03/2012 08:35

oh, seen your last message, DH had issues like this when we were first living together - I calmly pointed out what he thought was making him looking generous, was actually making him look like an arse who thought he was 'better' than his friends who he felt he had to subsidise, and he was one step away from 'loadsamoney' type attitudes. He still will always pay his share, and sometimes be over generous, but doesn't feel the need to buy everyone's drinks all the time. (Is your DH a bit insecure? Buying friendship?)

Snakeonaplane · 09/03/2012 08:37

Ah I thi k I get you now, is he picking up other people's bills unnecessarily if so yanbu, that's foolish but assuming your dc don't go without then I'm not sure what you can do.

I would probably set up that Issa so as there was less available to spend and call it a college fund, that's presuming you don't need the money for other things.

Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:39

No no! Of COURSE I don't spend everything on the kids...... There are shoes to be bought after all! But I do get quite cross when I feel that he spends way over budget on a night out. Yes he often pays the whole bill for friends. It isn't all our money, bit I still think it would be better spent on our kids!

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rhondajean · 09/03/2012 08:39

No Murray! You never mentioned other people - reread - the implication was he paid for the bill for the two of you and you didn't want to half on it.

Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:41

Oh lydiawickham, we too have had that conversation, it makes other people uncomfortable, he really doesn't get it though. He would hate it so why doesn't he understand. Tosser!

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Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:42

Rhondajean, that was in response to you asking if I was unhappy.....!

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Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:45

In my opening post I did point out that he always wanted to get the bill!

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rhondajean · 09/03/2012 08:46

Oh dear x posting all over the place!

I am finally with you. You've made it look as if your objection is to paying half when you go out with him. It isn't.

It does make you wonder why your friends keep going out with you too, I wouldn't be comfortable if someone kept doing this, or I'd slip off and pay the bill early if I knew they were prone to it.

exoticfruits · 09/03/2012 08:47

Lifes too short for this crap, it's 'our money' not 'what's yours is mine and what's mines my own.' I find it quite selfish.

It isn't selfish if they are are poles apart on attitudes. I know someone whose DH would pick up a whole bill in a restaurant when she was worrying about how to pay the electricity bill! They divorced because she couldn't live like that. You can only have the unselfish 'our money' if you think alike. Therefore best to have 'our money' , 'my money' and 'your money' and in this case have a 4th in 'generosity money' so that the rest is 'ring fenced'. He can be generous and she can be safe.

Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:49

Different friends.......younger friends....I don't blame them, but I am a tight old cow, so I wonder why my husband still does this! Shouldn't make light, I did start this bloody thread after all

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rhondajean · 09/03/2012 08:50

If I were you, and bearing in mind I am a stubborn little piglet and I know I am right when I am right, I would refuse to go out with him.

DH, I would say, if you want to go make yourself look like a twat flashing money around then on you go. If you want me, I'll be at home with the dc, eating dominos pizza and watching the Disney channel.

Would that get through?

rhondajean · 09/03/2012 08:53

Gtg to work! Will look back in later. Have a good day.

Original poster
MurrayHewitt · 09/03/2012 08:53

Yeeeees.
Buuuut I don't want to be at home eating dominos and watching the Disney channel!
See I did originally say I was being unreasonable!

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