I am, but I'm not

[MurrayHewitt]

I recently returned to work after MANY years as a SAHM. This should be great for our joint income, BUT we just can't seem to agree how to spend. Tonight we went out and I just can't agree to go 'halves'. He is so extravagant. Even when I wasn't earning I was always the one curtailing the fun! But now I actually think that if he goes against my wishes ( for example he ALWAYS wants to get the bill) then I shouldn't be responsible for half. I know I have 'enjoyed' the spending, but don't think I am necessarily responsible. AIBU?

I think you're just going to have to keep having the conversation about being over generous - rather than focussing on if you can afford it, focus on other people's feelings, such as "you make them look like the poor relations, how do you think that makes them feel?" or "you should let people return the favour sometimes so they can feel like they are your equal, or don't you want your friends to feel like your equal?"

And split your finances so he can't use family money to be generous with - having a 'family money' account (and I'd make sure DCs clothes money comes out of that too) and 'his spending money' account means that at least your ring fencing the DCs lifestyle. If he ever dips into the 'family money' account to fund this sort of thing, you should completely see your arse over it, he needs to knw that's never goingto be acceptable.

OP you've suffered on this thread by not explaining yourself properly at the beginning. I hadn't grasped at all that he was picking up the tab for friends.

I think you can reasonably say to him 'DH, while it was just you earning I didn't feel able to put my foot down about this, but now that I am contributing to the pot I'm not happy to let it go on.'

Does him behaving like this impact on your life? Are you able to save for the future, go on holiday, buy the things you need and want for your home?

As I said upthread, I'm a SAHM and I help DH run our business. We have a very good income, but picking up the bill for everyone else on nights out would seriously dent our pocket.

Have you raised the issue with him, and if so what does he say?

Yes also Lydia's point - how do people feel about him doing it? I would feel really uncomfortable if a friend insisted on picking up the tab all the time, even if I knew that they were significantly better off than I was.

sorry rereading my OP, I realise I didn't point out that getting the bill was for EVERYONE not just the two of us. when we go out just the two of us, we sometimes split it fifty fifty, sometimes he treats me, sometimes I treat him. Last night, I bought the tickets (for a comedy club) and the drinks there and at the bar after, he paid the restaurant bill for all our friends, then because of this he expected me to pay (our overpriced) babysitter. whereas I think I contributed enough. The other issue is that he 'borrowed' a substantial amount of money from the children's account and has made no attempt to pay it back.

No you didn't point that out. That is entirely different. "Borrowing money from dc's accounts is disgraceful". I once raided dd's building society book when I had forgotten to put some money on notice and didn't want to lose the interest. DD's money was put back as soon as my interest period was up and I split the interest with her because I used her money to pay an interim school bill for a trip.

Why does your dh have to pay for your friends?

although my OP does point out that he is far more extravagant than me. so why should I always have to split the cost of the outrageously expensive meal, when it is his choice. I am a cheap date! I don't know why he is always so generous. (it is obviously a better character trait than meanness) I think his family are all the same, so he gets it from them. I do like that about him in some ways, but feel when you have children, they should be the priority.

OP no-one is disagreeing with you, read what we are saying.

But the only person who can fix it is you, by talking to your DH and making him see your point of view.

I have tried talking to him. I guess his stance is that I do always benefit from his spending, so why don't I contribute more now that I am earning. reading all your responses though has made me even more determined to stick to my guns. Thanks all!

But you don't "benefit" from him picking up the tab for your whole group of friends - that's a weird thing to say.

Till I got to your post at 22.29 last night, I thought this would annoy me a bit, but not dreadfully if we could afford it. But borrowing money from your children's accounts is not on - he's a trustee for your children. It would be one thing to do it to mend the roof, because that benefits them too, but quite another to do it to entertain friends. I'd be very unhappy indeed about that. Have you discussed that with him, and if so what does he say?

All men are utter wankers. I'm going to try being gay.

(haven't read whole thread so apols if repeating someone)

What if you agree on a certain amount of spending money each. You can save yours if you want and he can blow his if he wants. So long as you don't exceed the allotted amount it is no big deal if he spends every last penny.

If he wants to go out to eat you could figure out how much it would be to have a nice meal at home and he could choose to top it up to allow you to go out. If you want to go too then you can add to the pot.