Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be getting pissed off with my wedding turning into a circus? abit ranty

56 replies

MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 15:28

Do not even know where to start with this, wedding booked 2 weeks ago for mid april we decided this as there has been a lot of problems with DP'S family, decided after the few years we have had that we would do something for ourselves.

So the plan was.. Registry office with 6 guests, the most important people in our lives.

A meal at lunch time in our favourite pub, with about 10 people.

A big reception party in the evening

So with just 6 weeks to get everything in place me and dp wrote lists and got our budgetting right and were really happy with everything we had planned.. Untill now when our families have gone into over drive

There's been a rift between myself and my grandparents for 2 years now, I invited them to the meal and reception as I do not feel they have earned the right to see our ceremony when everything that's happened has happened, my dad then starts guilt tripping me saying they are coming a long way blah blah blah.. So now we have 8 for the ceremony (max numbers now)

Then we had our guest lists for the reception, my parents then start.. You need this person, what about such and such (grrr) so now the guest list is ridiculous with people and 'family' that we hardly even know, this wasn't the point our wedding was to be different with just who we want there.

My mum has now started with, we need to buy this and that, what about this!! I went shopping with my parents for my dress, I tried on 2 dresses and decided in about 40 minutes, the other 8 hours of the trip was my mother trying dresses on and the whole thing ended up about her!

So, now last night has sent me over the edge, I spoke to my dp's aunt (more like his mum) about photographers, she said she knew someone who may be able to do it for me, I asked her to get prices and then call me before doing anything as I'm getting quotes. Yesterday she text dp to tell him 'she has booked the photographer' dp isn't arranging any parts yet she texts him to tell him what's she done. So I rang her last night and she told me she had done it and it was x amount.. So another person has taken over!

Then this has really pissed me off.. I was talking to her about dd staying with my mum (nannie) on the night we get married, she commented that as my grandparents would be there it may be a bit crowded so we should keep her at home on our wedding night, I replied that it was our wedding night so she would go to her nannies to stay, then she said this

'Well you decided to have a child before you got married so its your own responsibility'

Aibu? Should we call the whole thing off??

OP posts:

NoWayNoHow · 08/03/2012 15:35

I wouldn't often recommend this, but it's ultimatum time.

Tell them that ALL decisions about wedding will be made by you and DP, and if there is any more pressure and stress because of them surrounding what should be a massively important day for you and your future DH, then the wedding will simply be you, DP and DD. No family invited.

GinPalace · 08/03/2012 15:39

It all sounds very stressful and a million miles away from what you actually wanted!

I feel so sorry for you and it is so sad people can't respect the couples wishes.

Can you elope, start from scratch and have reception party when you get home?

Other than that it is hard to see how you will successfully backtrack now it has gone this far (the hijack that is).

Oh dear. Have a and a . :(

moonbells · 08/03/2012 15:40

Perennial joys of weddings... Doesn't matter what you do, someone always gets upset. The usual comment on here is, it's your day, you call the shots (especially if you're paying!)

We decided that if someone (even if family) didn't send us cards/emails on special occasions or at Christmas, then they weren't on the list. Period.

Call the photographer and cancel. Or send the aunt a thankyou letter expressing delight at her generous present, depending on how mischievous you're feeling.

StripyMagicDragon · 08/03/2012 15:41

My wedding nearly turned into my mums dream wedding. We had planned the same as you but felt like it was getting taken over.
I almost never say this, but go bridezilla on them! Demand that things are done the way YOU want them, don't be over-ruled!

Jins · 08/03/2012 15:44

I'd elope. Definitely.

GinPalace · 08/03/2012 15:45

If people can't listen to you in the first place it is going to take some major foot stomping to hear your voice now.... think radical action is going to be the only thing to resolve it.

did you give in too easily? I mean, will they realise why you are upset or is everyone labouring under the impression you are cool with all this and they have helped you plan things?

RabidEchidna · 08/03/2012 15:45

NoWayNoHow you are my hero, well said

diddl · 08/03/2012 15:45

It´s unfortunate that the photographers has been booked-can you unbook it?

But other than that, it sounds as if you just tell people too much tbh.

If you´re paying, you (imo) invite who you want & buy what you want!

TroublesomeEx · 08/03/2012 15:46

DH, me, 2 children, 2 witnesses, registrar. Bliss.

You can say "no" to them. You do know that, don't you? You don't have to do what they want!

GinPalace · 08/03/2012 15:46

Diddl is right a photographer can be un-booked in a heartbeat. Quick phone call - "sorry my aunt was wrong to confirm she wasn't listening" end of conversation. :)

TubbyDuffs · 08/03/2012 15:46

Think YABU with regard to not inviting the grandparents to the ceremony in the first place, as if they are coming to the reception, it seems daft not to have them at the actual ceremony. If you aren't on good enough terms with them to have at the ceremony, why have them at the reception (especially if its a small one and you will have to be speaking to them). Therefore, definitely agree that they should be invited to all or nothing.

With regard to the photographer YANBU, it is damn cheeky to book someone when its not even your event! What are his prices like? Could you not ask to have a word with him yourself and ask to see some of his work, then you can decide whether to book him yourself or find someone else.

As for the rest, I would have a word and explain that you want the wedding you want, and not let yourself be bullied into inviting people you don't want to be there.

I do feel for you, it does sound like things are getting out of hand (maybe its time to elope!).

Shakirasma · 08/03/2012 15:46

YANBU

I would cancel the whole thing, then book it for another day, plan and pay for everything without telling anybody including parents. Then send the invites( to parents also) with as little forward notice as possible.

belgo · 08/03/2012 15:48

Elope.

HoudiniHissy · 08/03/2012 15:52

Oh right.... well then...

What you have here is a 'Turning Point'

Your GP and you have a rift (probably for VERY valid reasons) you are now being bamboozled to invite them to something you were not prepared to allow them access to, by your parents. the whole family is telling you what to do and who to invite and then to add insult to injury literally, to have a pop at you... NO!

Your mum actually said OUT LOUD, as an excuse to let you down on your WEDDING NIGHT 'Well you decided to have a child before you got married so its your own responsibility' ??? WTAF?? That downright nasty and bitchy comment would be a deal breaker for me. I'd flash them an Adele and stop the circus right now.

Cancel EVERYTHING. Take the money you would have spent and go book a holiday and get married away from the lot of them. OK so your daughter will be with you, but that's FINE. Keep back enough for a babysitter and a hotel for when you get back....

Elderberries · 08/03/2012 15:54

Yep elope. Have a reception when you get back.

Proudnscary · 08/03/2012 15:55

I'd also go icy cold, hardcore on them all.

Either tell them it's your way or no way.

Or just cancel and do it by yourselves, somewhere lovely and sunny.

Original poster

MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 16:04

Thanks for all the responses, I guess I have let everyone take over without expressing myself properly.

Me and dp and planned to buy something for the day each week, a kind of countdown to look forward to the big day.. Instead my dad and mum have taken us shopping and were paying them back weekly instead.

The idea of inviting everyone to the all day or not at all is not an option, we cannot afford the large registry office and frankly we don't want it, we want our vows to be said in private not infront of every cousin and their mother.

The idea for our day is that it starts off small and ends biggish. The reason for my grandparents not coming to the ceremony is that they have not been there for the last few years so didn't feel they should be there for that part. We invited them to the rest of the day because they are my grandparents and I was hoping to mend some of the rift that has been caused by another family member.

OP posts:

Original poster

MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 16:04

Thanks for all the responses, I guess I have let everyone take over without expressing myself properly.

OP posts:

GinPalace · 08/03/2012 16:09

Heck - well thank goodness you have realised it is out of hand before it was completely too late - if you haven't stood up to be counted before it is time to do it now or accept you're going to play the lead role in someone elses wedding.

FWIW none of our family were invited (except immediate) as they don't see me from one year to the next - all our good friends were and I was buggered if my wedding was just going to be an excuse for a reunion - only people there were ones who would actually go all misty eyed at us saying our vows - everyone else can jog on. :)

Ephiny · 08/03/2012 16:11

If you're keen for your vows to be private anyway, maybe it would be worth doing that bit on your own (with two witnesses I mean) and then just having the party in the evening for everyone. Then lunch could be just you and DP (DH by that point!) and the witnesses - or you could all just go home if you want!

I agree it seems a bit odd though to invite people to the meal immediately after the ceremony, but not the ceremony itself - you do seem a tiny bit precious about deciding who is/isn't to have the privilege of seeing you make your vows. But it's your choice.

I completely sympathise about all the other interference though. Cancel the photographer if it's not the one you want, your aunt had no business booking without your agreement!

fedupofnamechanging · 08/03/2012 16:12

If you have already paid out for the ceremony or meal, I would tell everyone that I was cancelling the wedding and then go ahead and get married without the extra guests - if my mum said that to me (whilst imposing guests i didn't want), then she'd be uninvited too!

If you haven't paid out, or can get the money back/change the date, then I would do that. It is my greatest regret with my own wedding, that I had people there who meant very little to me and it got a bit taken over. I wish I had eloped.

GinPalace · 08/03/2012 16:13

I don't think it is precious to not want people at the ceremony who will bring an atmosphere with them - it is a very intimate personal occasion for some, and everyone will have chance to celebrate with the couple at the reception - that's not precious - not how you would do it maybe - but not precious. :)

Cyclebump · 08/03/2012 16:22

I would suggest you move the ceremony to the week before. Inform your original six people that you're having a prewedding dinner the week before. It won't be a dinner, it will be your wedding. Then you can hold the reception week later for whoever you want.

Because we didn't want this to happen to us, DH and I only told our witnesses and it was just DH, DS, our witnesses and me on a Thursday morning in December. It was just what we wanted.

Throw a strop, it's YOUR day, not theirs.

OriginalJamie · 08/03/2012 16:24

Karma - me too.

Or at the very least , I wish I'd stuck to small R.O. ceremony-plus-meal, and not had the all-and-sundry party the next day, which was the reasult of guilt/pressure

OP Ephiny's idea sounds good

Or just get married and go to the pub

Ephiny · 08/03/2012 16:25

Well maybe that was too harsh - I completely understand not wanting certain people there, it was more the stuff about them having 'earned the right' to see the ceremony, which seems a bit of an odd attitude.

If it was me, I'd probably just have people who were at the ceremony, at the lunch. And then everyone in the evening. That's me though!

Flip

1 2 3