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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting pissed off with my wedding turning into a circus? abit ranty

56 replies

MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 15:28

Do not even know where to start with this, wedding booked 2 weeks ago for mid april we decided this as there has been a lot of problems with DP'S family, decided after the few years we have had that we would do something for ourselves.

So the plan was.. Registry office with 6 guests, the most important people in our lives.

A meal at lunch time in our favourite pub, with about 10 people.

A big reception party in the evening

So with just 6 weeks to get everything in place me and dp wrote lists and got our budgetting right and were really happy with everything we had planned.. Untill now when our families have gone into over drive

There's been a rift between myself and my grandparents for 2 years now, I invited them to the meal and reception as I do not feel they have earned the right to see our ceremony when everything that's happened has happened, my dad then starts guilt tripping me saying they are coming a long way blah blah blah.. So now we have 8 for the ceremony (max numbers now)

Then we had our guest lists for the reception, my parents then start.. You need this person, what about such and such (grrr) so now the guest list is ridiculous with people and 'family' that we hardly even know, this wasn't the point our wedding was to be different with just who we want there.

My mum has now started with, we need to buy this and that, what about this!! I went shopping with my parents for my dress, I tried on 2 dresses and decided in about 40 minutes, the other 8 hours of the trip was my mother trying dresses on and the whole thing ended up about her!

So, now last night has sent me over the edge, I spoke to my dp's aunt (more like his mum) about photographers, she said she knew someone who may be able to do it for me, I asked her to get prices and then call me before doing anything as I'm getting quotes. Yesterday she text dp to tell him 'she has booked the photographer' dp isn't arranging any parts yet she texts him to tell him what's she done. So I rang her last night and she told me she had done it and it was x amount.. So another person has taken over!

Then this has really pissed me off.. I was talking to her about dd staying with my mum (nannie) on the night we get married, she commented that as my grandparents would be there it may be a bit crowded so we should keep her at home on our wedding night, I replied that it was our wedding night so she would go to her nannies to stay, then she said this

'Well you decided to have a child before you got married so its your own responsibility'

Aibu? Should we call the whole thing off??

OP posts:
Eggsits · 08/03/2012 16:27

Elope

Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 16:42

ephiny that was the original idea, them at the ceremony were to come the meal. Then my grandparents are travelling a long way so had to include them in the meal, it has all just escalated..

Blooming nightmare it is becoming...

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 08/03/2012 16:57

It's only becoming ultimately what you allow...

You need to realise that this is YOUR wedding, and YOU get to decide what you want, without being told what to do, where to be, who to have/not have.

My instinct is that this bullying behaviour is the tip of the iceburg, and they have been doing this for years.

Do the wedding the week before-with your friends - and ice the rest of them out of it.

Ragwort · 08/03/2012 17:00

It seems a shame that you allowed your parents to take you shopping for your wedding, it would have been a lot easier to remain financially independent even if you are paying them back. By contributing financially (even if only by way of a 'loan') your parents clearly feel that have some form of control over the event.

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 08/03/2012 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoudiniHissy · 08/03/2012 17:01

We need to actually CREATE a bridezilla.... Grin

joanofarchitrave · 08/03/2012 17:05

I like Cyclebump's idea - have the actual wedding the week before.

GinPalace · 08/03/2012 17:06

houdinihissy Grin oh the irony!

Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 17:19

I promised dp I wouldn't turn into a bridezilla however I think I may need to. Any tips?

Dp's aunt Is making the cupcakes for us, I said we need to make 60 so that everyone can have 2 if they like, I just text her to say I have found the decorations for them and will buy them..

Now she's having a big debate with me over how many we need.. Give.me.strength

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 17:19

I promised dp I wouldn't turn into a bridezilla however I think I may need to. Any tips?

Dp's aunt Is making the cupcakes for us, I said we need to make 60 so that everyone can have 2 if they like, I just text her to say I have found the decorations for them and will buy them..

Now she's having a big debate with me over how many we need.. Give.me.strength

OP posts:
TandB · 08/03/2012 17:37

Start playing hardball.

This happened to my friend. They called the wedding off and started again the following year. Everyone butted right out the second time round!

fedupofnamechanging · 08/03/2012 18:03

I think also, that you are bringing a bit of this on yourself, by including them in preparations. It's hard to say to people 'mind your own business, but please make me some cakes'. Families are opinionated. The way to protect yourself from too much interference, is to not ask them for anything. The same with your mum and dad taking you shopping - you shouldn't have agreed to that, because now they feel they have a 'stake' and the power to impose their will over yours.

Can you return the things your parents bought and repay them now? Failing that, I like the idea of moving it forward by a week.

Scrapping everything and starting again is much better than having a wedding you don't want.

fhdl34 · 08/03/2012 18:12

My one piece of wedding advice that I give is to please yourselves and no-one else because it's your day and it's impossible to please everyone

softpaw · 08/03/2012 18:13

jamie is right..do it with the people you want there on the day..noone else involved..then tell the people afterwards..we are married! if you want,then have a party! simple xx

Ephiny · 08/03/2012 18:55

Yes agree it is difficult when you've involved people by letting them pay for things, asking them to make cakes etc. It's a shame because in theory it should be nice to have family and friends involved in the preparations, everyone helping out etc. But in reality if you have the more 'interfering' kind of family, that doesn't always work out so well!

We just checked the date with family, didn't tell them anything else until it was booked. Much simpler that way!

Now you're in this situation though, I agree you need to be a bit of a 'bridezilla'! Insist on the important things being the way you want them. You'll regret it if you let yourself be pushed into a wedding you don't want.

EvenBetter · 08/03/2012 19:00

I sympathise, weddings turn families into psychos,
Tell them all to kindly fuck off, do not allow any of them to 'help' with your wedding, anytime anyone asks anything about your plans say 'oh..I dunno.' to everything. 'what time should I be at the reception? All my extended family and work colleagues are invited, aren't they? Are you having a veil? I'm offended that you're having candles on the tables. Im offended that I can't come & be nosy at your ceremony, you're being very unreasonable by not paying for strangers to attend the best day of your life' all get 'I DUNNO'.
Uninvite whomever you want, your wedding. I was forced to have people at my wedding I didn't want there & am still seething at their behaviour 6months later.
Don't allow anyone to interfere, it's only about you & your husband to be, thats the whole point of the day.
A tiny bit bridezilla would be an epic tantrum with screaming & pulling of hair, scream what will NOT be happening. This makes people think 'oh fuck, she's losing it, I'll just leave her to it'
Now is not the time to heal family rifts/give someone the wedding they never had/assume anyone will behave rationally & decently, you need to assert yourself in a big way immediately!

Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 21:08
OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsMagic · 08/03/2012 21:08
OP posts:
SugarPasteHedgehog · 08/03/2012 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinPalace · 10/03/2012 10:51

Yes sugar gives good advice - you don't have to turn into an arsey so-and-so to be assertive. Not sure if my family just aren't the sort or if I'm magically super-assertive but I just didn't let anyone else have any say at all - suggestions - fine - but the minute it turned from a suggestion to a you-must I just told them where to go in-the-nicest-way-possible.

Suppose you end up having to be as stand-your-ground as they are pushy. Not very comfortable if that isn't your natural character - but if it helps - imagine your wedding from hell, imagine going through with it and imagine all the years of regret and spoiled memories you will have - that should help you fight the tide. Grin

dollymixtures · 10/03/2012 11:07

Just to remind you of Mumsnet mantra no.2, "No" is a complete sentence Wink

Eglu · 10/03/2012 11:16

You do need to be strong, that is certainly true. With DPs Aunt don't get into a debate about how many cupcakes. Tell her firmly you want 60 and if it's a problem you'll get somebody else to make them.

As for your parents and you must invite this person and that person. You should have said in the beginning that you do not need to invite anyone you don't choose to.

Serious hard pulling on the reins needed.

Born2BRiiiled · 10/03/2012 12:18

To give a different slant on it. I think I'd be a bit pissed off if a good friend or something wanted me to show up in the evening, but was precious about the actual important bit. I'd also wonder why they wanted people to help out.
Tbh, I think you'd be better off going away, as others have said. Your mum is being difficult about having your child because she feels as if you are being awkward. I know people day it's your day, have what you want. The downside is that people may not feel like accommodating you.

CalamityKate · 10/03/2012 12:25

You need to be RUTHLESS and firm about guests. I had this when I got married the first time - XDH's mother was all "Oh, you need to invite X (distant relation whom XH had never even met, never mind me) because we went to their daughter's wedding 17 years ago blah blah blah" and although we managed to head her off with most of them, we still ended up with a few people we wouldn't have chosen to invite Hmm

Getting married again this year, and the rule is: would we feel hurt if they didn't invite us to THEIR wedding? If so, they're invited. If not, they're not.

wellilikemythinking · 10/03/2012 12:35

Please stick to your guns, I got married 10 years ago and the plan was to go abroad with parents if they wanted to join us. But one set could'nt/would'nt so DP and i fell out as he decided then my parents could not come but had paid deposit. Then sil got involved, I was a young wimp in those days and gave in. Got married in hotel, 20 for meal as could not afford anything else and a big party in social club not what I had in mind as we were pretty penniless and got no help. It still grates to this day when I let myself think about it. The stress and worry it caused was awful. Please just be nice and firm and enjoy xx