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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really not envy my friends?

64 replies

PamPerdbrat · 07/03/2012 08:09

We have 2 great friends; they're a couple too and we've known them the whole of our adult lives. They're great fun. We are mid 20's, they are mid 30's but childless and as a result they have EVERYTHING. Super fast car, nicely done house, everything's new and shiny and fab, ££££'s worth of entertainment system... I mean, wow! She has a great job at work, something I aspire to be. She's very respected in a male oriented environment and at work; I model myself on her. I think she's brillo pads.

They were quite against us getting married (we'd only been together 2 years) and when we got pregnant with our son soon after, they were shocked but supportive.

When we first had DS, we really struggled. I remember her walking down my road and me thinking 'take me with you!!!' and I really envied her for being able to relax in the evenings etc.

But now, our DS is growing up and he's just this fab little boy. We are out and about all the time. When we meet up with our friends, we always have loads to say and stuff has always happened. For them? Not so much. They've spent the whole Saturday playing Ps3 games together, or watching movies. They only really go out to shows etc if invited by us. They don't really have any interests, and looking closer at them, nothing really happens to them and they don't really do a lot. AIBU to think 'you're a bit boring', or is it an inevitable part of the separation between childless couples and those with children? It's almost like they've stayed as teenagers, it's a bit strange in a way.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 07/03/2012 08:12

So you pity them instead?

Just because their lives sound boring to you doesn't mean they are actually bored in their lives.

chipsplease · 07/03/2012 08:12

They are happy and so are you. Difference being you think your way is the only right way to be happy. Stop being so blinkered.

LentillyFart · 07/03/2012 08:14

Maybe they just can't stand you banging on about your child? Having a baby shifts everything and people without kids just don't get it - and why should they - but it may be that your friendship has run it's course. However - YABU to pity them - do you think they want that?

Original poster

PamPerdbrat · 07/03/2012 08:14

No, I don't pity them. I feel sad that the friendship seems to have gone 2 separate ways. Is it inevitable if you have children and the other couple doesn't?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 07/03/2012 08:15

If I didn't have dd I'd spend the time reading/gardening/watching films and writing.

You'd probably find me boring too. But I don't really talk about dd with friends either - she ain't that interesting

muffinflop · 07/03/2012 08:15

Maybe she cant have children, maybe they dont go out because the recession has affected them, maybe they have nothing to say because you dominate tbe conversation with (what they deem) your boring life!

ssd · 07/03/2012 08:16

you sound a bit condescending and immature

maybe they tried for kids and it didn't work out for them?

tbh I think they need to avoid you, not the other way around

Bloodymary · 07/03/2012 08:17

Hmm, well the house and all thats in it sounds fab, but no, I do not envey them either.
And as for spending a whole Saturday playing Ps3 games in their mid 30s

Original poster

PamPerdbrat · 07/03/2012 08:17

Certainly don't mean to come across like that

OP posts:

MothersAgainstBrainlessness · 07/03/2012 08:18

Well I envy them!

But I'm glad that you don't anymore. What they have probably works for them and vice versa.

myalias · 07/03/2012 08:19

Maybe they don't want children or have had problems conceiving. Perhaps they just want to switch off at the weekends because they are totally exhausted working in high presssured jobs. They have a different way of life to you that's all.

roundtable · 07/03/2012 08:20

Yabu

Why do you even care what they do in their evenings? They're not eating children or sacrificing baby animals.

They don't need your pity, perhaps it's time to move on from this friendship if it bothers you so much.

Shutupanddrive · 07/03/2012 08:21

lesley33 · 07/03/2012 08:22

I don't see anything wrong with playing games all evening. I don't but really don't see it as morally superior to spending time here posting.

Cabrinha · 07/03/2012 08:22

Well, either you think she's 'brillo pads' (WTF? Is that an auto correct?!) or you think she's boring. Which is it?
Tbh, the very fact your banging on about all their material possessions suggests that you are actually a bit envious of it - otherwise, why mention it?
I don't quite understand why you've started a thread to call a friend boring. If you no longer have anything in common, fine - no need to call them boring on MN!

Original poster

PamPerdbrat · 07/03/2012 08:22

I know they don't want children; not everyone wants them and sometimes I can see why

That's not the division. DS might be fascinating to us, but frankly he's probably very tiresome to them!

OP posts:

Original poster

PamPerdbrat · 07/03/2012 08:24

I'm clearly coming across wrong, just forget it and I'll pull the thread in a sec.

OP posts:

roundtable · 07/03/2012 08:24

I would agree with perhaps they've had problems conceiving that they don't discuss. Or they just don't want children.

SeoraeMaeul · 07/03/2012 08:24

My closest friend is single and childless. There are times when she bores me or at least i think oh god not another boyfriend trauma and I'm very very sure there are times when I bore her - I suspect potty training would be a good example! But she's my friend we have bucket loads of stuff to talk about - isn't that what friendship is?
Sorry but if after knowing them your whole adult life you have nothing to say then walk away - they'll probably be a little grateful.

MordechaiVanunu · 07/03/2012 08:25

I think you are just tuning through and contrasting your differing life choices and concluding that yours has been right for you.

I think that is fair enough, as your OP suggests that at times you had aspired to be like them but now that has passed and you are content that you are happy as you are and would not want their life.

That's good.

As long as it doesn't tip over into into judgey smugness and the thinking that they should now aspire to your life.

Accept each other as you both chose to be, the friendship may wane but if you try to stick with it long term I think you'll find that friendships with people with differing lifestyles is actually life enhancing.

Snowboarder · 07/03/2012 08:25

That's strange because as 'the one with the child' I often feel like I have nothing interesting to say when talking to childless friends - all of whom seem to have a more fabulous life than me by far!

Perhaps it's because my DS is only 11 mo and not really doing much yet?

Maybe they can't have children, or didn't want them? Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 08:27

they must have loads of positives being child free. oth it must be hard being childfree in a world where everyone is expected to procreate.
just think, they can have sex all over the house, day or night, without fear of being seen!
plus get very drunk

its a different world

Chubfuddler · 07/03/2012 08:29

You sound a bit smug tbh. Perhaps they have no hobbies (and really hobbies are a bit strange in the over 12s) because they spend all their free time having mind blowing sex? Who knows.

Cabrinha · 07/03/2012 08:30

Pull the thread because people disagree with you? I didn't think the point of AIBU was to delete any threads where anyone replied 'YABU'?!!

I just don't get why you're posting about not being envious - especially as it makes you sound like you are! Why does it bother you so much how they lve their lives? If they are boring, don't see them. Simple.

You've got me wondering now whether my friends were busy not envying my lifestyle (nice car, house, holiday) when I was waiting for IVF to work...

wifey6 · 07/03/2012 08:30

Me & my friend as sooo different. I'm married & have a family- she is in & out of relationships & lives a different lifestyle to me! However...we have common interests & accept that our lives are different but that doesn't deem one more better than the other.

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