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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really not envy my friends?

64 replies

PamPerdbrat · 07/03/2012 08:09

We have 2 great friends; they're a couple too and we've known them the whole of our adult lives. They're great fun. We are mid 20's, they are mid 30's but childless and as a result they have EVERYTHING. Super fast car, nicely done house, everything's new and shiny and fab, ££££'s worth of entertainment system... I mean, wow! She has a great job at work, something I aspire to be. She's very respected in a male oriented environment and at work; I model myself on her. I think she's brillo pads.

They were quite against us getting married (we'd only been together 2 years) and when we got pregnant with our son soon after, they were shocked but supportive.

When we first had DS, we really struggled. I remember her walking down my road and me thinking 'take me with you!!!' and I really envied her for being able to relax in the evenings etc.

But now, our DS is growing up and he's just this fab little boy. We are out and about all the time. When we meet up with our friends, we always have loads to say and stuff has always happened. For them? Not so much. They've spent the whole Saturday playing Ps3 games together, or watching movies. They only really go out to shows etc if invited by us. They don't really have any interests, and looking closer at them, nothing really happens to them and they don't really do a lot. AIBU to think 'you're a bit boring', or is it an inevitable part of the separation between childless couples and those with children? It's almost like they've stayed as teenagers, it's a bit strange in a way.

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 07/03/2012 08:30

I think it is a good thing that you are not looking at her life in an envious way anymore and you are happy with your lot .

You are just relieved that you are happy with your choices now after a few wobbles early on .

I read it as that and nothing more really .

DressDownFriday · 07/03/2012 08:30

Sounds like you've grown apart from your friends. You have nothing in common anymore and now have different interests.

There may become a time when they decide to have children and your friendship Will rekindle.

Just because they don't have the same interests as you doesn't mean they are boring. Your friend may be starting a thread about you and how boring you are now you have children.

Original poster

PamPerdbrat · 07/03/2012 08:31

No, not really I'm just not putting myself across well at all and it's irritating people.

OP posts:

Snowboarder · 07/03/2012 08:31

Just to add, we had lots of problems conceiving (DS is an IVF baby) and didn't tell everyone.

One friend in particular had just had a baby and kept asking me why we didn't want one. I just couldn't tell her that I wanted one more than anything. Her non-too-subtle comments along the lines that people who didn't have children led 'very superficial' lives cut like a knife.

Unless you know for sure that this couple have chosen to remain childless (and even if that's what they've said they may not be telling all) you can't be sure that they're not really struggling with it.

trafficwarden · 07/03/2012 08:31

How can you say in one breath that they are great fun and that you envy them and in the next say they are a bit boring? Sounds a teensy bit jealous to me.
We have friends who dropped out of part of our lives when they had kids, they just had different priorities. They are able to join in again now the kids are older. Others managed to maintain the relationship without any great stress.

lesley33 · 07/03/2012 08:33

snowboarder - Although you are right, some people do choose to remain childless and thats fine

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 08:33

dont worry aobut the thread op. just walk away and let people argue amongst themselves

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 08:33

or of course

lesley33 · 07/03/2012 08:36

I think also what is the right choice for one is not for others. Some would hate not havibg kids, others love not having kids and being able to do what they want.

Truffkin · 07/03/2012 08:40

Agree that you might not actually know re: the child free thing. We had a great (to us) lifestyle pre-DS, which included spending whole days doing nowt but watch football on TV some weekends

We never talked about our desire for children with friends, it was personal to us. All the time we were TTC I'd do the 'Oh you know, not everyone has children you know' to respond to questions. Occasionally I'd big up the career / social life stuff as well, to put on a 'brave face ' but so people didn't pity me.

When we announced my pregnancy, people were genuinely shocked and said they thought we didn't want children. Some even asked if it was an accident!

So you don't always know everything about your friends and are totally unreasonable for judging them in this way.

wordfactory · 07/03/2012 08:41

OP it's great you don't envy them anymore. That's never a good way to go.

But don't put their interests down because they no longer chime with your own. That's as defensive as envy!
They probably don't find you any more fascinating than you find them, but would you be happy if they were critical behind your back?

Helenfellows33 · 07/03/2012 08:44

your thread read like "I'm ace me" are you sure you can fit our your own head through the door as you leave. seriously it doesn't automatically make you a better person cause you have children.

Winkly · 07/03/2012 08:47

Maybe you have nothing to talk about with childless friends because you have nothing to talk about other than your children and it's you that is boring. If you don't talk about your children to the exclusion of everything else there isn't any reason for you to have nothing in common with people without children. People with children and those without really do find plenty to talk about.

If you've simply drifted apart don't worry about it.

Floggingmolly · 07/03/2012 08:49

Why do you imagine either of you have anything the other has to envy? You have just chosen different paths, that's all. If anything, it actually does sound a bit of an issue for you - protesting a little too much, maybe?

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2012 08:50

OP it's first thing on a Wednesday morning, so mid stressful week with the weekend a long way off and you posted in AIBU. This was never going to go well. I'd get it pulled if I were you before you get drubbed up to 500 posts.

Fwiw your mates probably think exactly the same as you as you do of them.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 07/03/2012 09:07

I don't think it's part of the inevitable separation between couples who do and don't have children because I don't think that separation is inevitable. There is a divergence of interests quite often the longer you know people but that happens anyway. You do sound slightly smug saying that you always have lots to talk about whereas they don't seem to do anything. Maybe they go home and say that you used to be so much more interesting before you had children.

I think you need to just accept the differences for what they are, if that means you really don't have anything in common any more let the friendship go. If you can both make the effort to embrace each others lifestyle go for it. I have a couple of friends who sound a bit like your friends, they don't go out much but we always have masses to talk about, work, current affairs, sports, telly, technology you name it. On the surface we don't have much in common these days (we went to school together) but I know we are friends for life.

porcamiseria · 07/03/2012 09:14

I think you are over focussing on them, from the extreme of jealousy to now pity

try and be a kinder friend

Jajas · 07/03/2012 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bettybat · 07/03/2012 09:33

I think you are vastly misjudging them.

A much younger girl at work (about 7 years difference) who I was very friendly with bought a house, got married, then started trying for a baby. All the time, after that, it was "don't you want to get married?", "why don't you just buy somewhere?", "don't you want a baby?". It was tiresome to even get into the conversation that my situation wasn't like her's - a committed boyfriend, but one who wasn't yet ready to get married or start a family, not being able to afford to just buy a place. So I did the whole bravado thing - I'm working hard on my career, in a few years maybe, not yet, too many things to do first.

But I desperately wanted a baby, desperately wanted to marry the man I loved and really wanted to be able to buy property, and it felt like I was being judged every time she basically asked me why I wasn't living my life like her.

I've never really forgiven her for her insensitivity and thoughtlessness, as there were things that she did know I hoped for, and to be honest I was relieved when she left to have her baby. A large part of me hopes she doesn't come back. You ought to realise that often people say things to mask their true situation, even with close friends.

BuckBuckMcFate · 07/03/2012 09:36

Maybe they are employing a bit of tact and don't tell you all of the stuff they've been up to because they think it might be financially out of your reach or undoable because of the constraints of being parents and they don't want to come across as bragging.

Or maybe they are boring.

Or maybe they think you talking about your fab life is boring and they're playing PFB bingo between themselves?

Who knows?

Btw you do come across as envious of their lifestyle, when maybe you mean you used to think house, cars etc. are important but now you have a child your perception of what is of value to you has changed?

Fecklessdizzy · 07/03/2012 09:39

I have several childless mates ... Love them to bits. They grit their teeth and smile while I bore on about DSs and I nod along absent mindedly when they sound off about work, then we go off at a tangent and natter about something we both like ...

You do sound a tiny bit smug and condescending ... Maybe that's why they're not opening up to you. We had the sprogs quite late and I definitely got a Oh-you-poor-childless-spinster-you-don't-know-the-true-meaning-of-womanhood vibe off a few people when they'd pupped and I hadn't, which wasn't a huge incentive to stay friends!

treadwarily · 07/03/2012 09:40

I think that people with children and people without children pity each other. It's the way of the world.

Heavensmells · 07/03/2012 09:56

I don't think that you are coming across as smug at all OP.
I think that when your son was small and you were skint, exhausted and feeling a bit trapped you were very envious of her freedom and 'nice easy' life.
Now that life has got better and easier for you it's a case of actually their life isn't as perfect in your mind (although it may be to them) and you are happy with your lot.

TroublesomeEx · 07/03/2012 10:59

OP, just stop thinking about it.

I am friends with a woman I was at school with.

I am married, with 2 children; she is single.

I have all the joys/stresses that parenthood brings; she can do what she wants when she wants.

She has travelled the world; we go camping.

I have a 10 year old people carrier; she has a brand new nippy little car.

I buy my clothes in the sales; she buys designer clothes.

I don't envy her or pity her and she doesn't envy or pity me. There are elements of her life that sound wonderful to me, there are elements of my life that sound wonderful to her.

I think that when things were really tough for you, her life looked perfect. Now your life is a bit easier, it looks less so. You both have lives that suit you and that's all that really counts. Not having children and finding fulfillment in her life in other ways doesn't mean she is living like a teenager.

Adversecamber · 07/03/2012 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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