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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my looks get me down

54 replies

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 14:55

It's my 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow so was going through my wedding photos with the children. Had a lovely time explaining it all to the children (and letting them try on my wedding dress Shock) but can't help feeling so sad that I didn't get to be the beautiful bride I felt in my head. It's almost a shock to look back and see this fugly goon wearing my dress and grinning at the camera in my place and I'm reminded why I never look back at them. Same thing with our Christmas photos, holiday photos, photos of me with the children as babies and so on.

Of course IABU and self centred and narcistic and I'm actually more than a little pissed off with myself about it. I am in good health, 1 happy healthy stepchild who adores me and 2 happy healthy children of my own (who also adore me I should add!) married to the man of my dreams and living a safe and well nourished existence in a democratic land of freedom and opportunity.

What the fuck right do I have to feel sorry for myself?

Someone please tell me to grow up and get a grip!

OP posts:
DeepPurple · 06/03/2012 14:59

Get a grip!

Did that help?

Are you happy with your weight / looks? I heard someone say on one of those weight loss programme things once "If your reason for being unhappy is your weight; it's a stupid reason" and I think that is true. I am unhappy with my weight so I've decided to take action to do something about it. I have lost 25lb in the last 6 weeks and although I still have quite a bit to go I am far happier.

Only you can change things. If you are really happy with yourself then stop looking at yourself so negatively and start focussing on the good things about yourself.

earthpixie · 06/03/2012 15:15

I bet you're not a 'fugly goon'. Are you a perfectionist? Do you expect too much of yourself, physically? Did you have an unrealistic view of what a'bride' should look like?
Be kind to yourself - very few people are stunning and most are pretty average looking.

Original poster
neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 15:22

It helped a little DeepPurple. Maybe I need a virtual slap round the face too?

Not my weight I'm afraid, it's above the neck that's the problem. I keep thinking I have come to terms with being a plain jane but it still sort of catches me out once in a while and I get really down for a few days.

Actually I am a bit of a perfectionist earthpixie but I did have this sort of feeling of sadness even before my wedding day (and other big days) and even considered not having a photographer. I just get a little sick of always being the plain one. Doesn't help that most of my family and friends are very pretty I suppose.

I don't think I'll ever improve upon my looks but I would like to 'rise above' them iyswim x

OP posts:
earthpixie · 06/03/2012 15:28

What is exactly wrong with your face?! Sorry to sound rude, but most 'faults' can be improved with a bit of clever make-up. Is it your skin, nose, teeth?

This may sound trite, but beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and 'prettiness' fades with age. People who haven't been able to coast along on their looks tend to develop the best personalities, and you are clearly loved and valued. Have other people made you feel insecure about your appearance?

Original poster
neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 15:44

Don't think it's anyone else's fault and my looks never held me back or stopped me achieving my dreams. I am my own worst enemy!

My main faults are 'structural' - my forehead is large and slopes backwards and a rather unfortunate cowslick on my hairline means I'm unable to wear a fringe or side sweep my hair to hide it. My jawline is recessive. Not hideous, but I will never be pretty.

It really shouldn't matter. I have a nearly 2 year old DD and I hope and pray she never realises my insecurity over this.

OP posts:
shockers · 06/03/2012 16:02

Real beauty (the shining from the inside kind) comes with confidence and that doesn't always come across on a photograph. You sound loved, so you must have a prettiness about you. I hope you learn to love yourself as much as your family does Smile.

Original poster
neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 18:54

it's not really that important is it?! I think I'm getting some perspective on it. Thanks you lovely mners and a big bunch of Thanks to you too.

I do still wish the world was different (or, rather superficially, I wish that I was different) but it does seem to get a little easier with age and I am very grateful that I do not have to live with the prejudice that people with facial disfigurements are subject to.

OP posts:
BuckBuckMcFate · 06/03/2012 19:39

I'm sure you're fine from the neck upwards.

Your post is articulate and succinct so you obviously have brains as well. You have dc who love you and a happy marriage so you are obviously a nice person to be with too.

If it helps, I'm always horrified that the person I see in photos is me because it doesn't look like the me I see in the mirror, therefore I have decided I am unphotogenic. ?

dishwasherfromhell · 06/03/2012 19:52

Are you 'fugly' or unphotogenic?

BBBIIIIGGGG difference.
Know plenty of gorgeous girls who don't look good in photos and plenty of less gorgeous ones who look awesome in pics.

(And why do you think that celebs always try and stand in certain poses?)

Photos DO NOT tell the real picture.

TangerinePuppet · 06/03/2012 19:56

I'm a minger :)

I have a VERY big nose and awful, fine hair that sticks to my head. Don't get me started on photos!

I feel your pain.

Original poster
neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 20:04

Oh TangerinePuppet can we be best friends? It really sucks doesn't it?!? I have my name down for a head transplant once they get the technique down.

Sadly I appear to be both unphotogenic and unmirrorgenic too. Not too bad if I position myself VERY CAREFULLY full face on but a millimetre out either way spells disaster. Don't even get me started on shop windows...

I am very lucky though as my husband has this strange visual impairment where he looks at me and somehow sees Claudia Schiffer's attractive younger sister. I pray he is never cured.

OP posts:
purplepansy · 06/03/2012 20:30

Would a makeover help? I felt like this a bit after having DCs, and going and getting a really decent grown up haircut, having my makeup done and buying new stuff, and updating my wardrobe helped a lot. As did losing the baby weight.

Pretty is for little girls. You don't need to be pretty as an adult woman, well put together and well groomed goes a long way. Lots of shops do free personal shopper services, pretty much any makeup counter will do your makeup - why not give it a try?

purplepansy · 06/03/2012 20:33

ps I have a cowlick too. And a massive forehead. And a fringe - I just have a very good hairdresser who has shown me how to blow dry my fringe flat. The one thing I will not scrimp on is getting a decent haircut- my hairdresser is a miracle worker!

tethersend · 06/03/2012 20:35

This isn't right.

You shouldn't feel this bad about yourself.

Try and remember that the person you see in the mirror/in photos is not the person others see; nobody will be as critical of you as you're being.

Have you always felt like this?

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 20:39

I bet if you were to take a photo of you looking in the mirror, your eyes would be honing in on the things you don't like, and ignoring the other bits. And that's only talking about the exterior you.

As for photos, I just avoid having them taken as much as possible. I can think of 3 in my entire life that make me look as good as I hope I look.

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 20:40

I agree about the clothes. And getting your Colours done really helps

ooer · 06/03/2012 20:43

Haha, I also have this idea I am completely gorgeous and get a bit confused when I see photos of myself!

tethersend · 06/03/2012 20:44

I do think that makeovers etc are only going to mask the problem, though. You need to learn to like yourself.

Would you want your DD to be as critical about herself? Or would you be concerned that there is something wrong?

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 20:45

I know someone who looks a bit like you describe yourself. In theory, she has few of the things that are supposed to make a person attractive, and some that are meant to make you look unattractive. And yet she is attractive. Sexy, really funny, sharp, bright. Lovely eyes. And I'm not the only person who thinks so

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 20:46

nice boobs too.

tangledupinblue2 · 06/03/2012 21:01

I met a nurse today who held my son's hand while he had blood taken. The bottom half of her face was very badly scarred (as if someone had thrown acid on her face). She was so gentle and kind with my little boy (he's only 2), and had lovely sparkly eyes and a beautiful smile. The eyes and smile were all I saw when we left. If people are lovely on the inside I think it shows on the outside

PS I think I have a face like a horse, but try not to dwell on it Smile

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 21:03

stobbit tangled. I might cry

PropertyNightmare · 06/03/2012 21:12

Ikwym. I did not have a 'proper' photographer at my wedding as I considered it a waste of money given that the end result photos would never see the light of day as I knew that I would hate how I looked in them.
In the event, my FIL took pics and I have an album but there is not a single pic I would want on display. Like you, I actually thought (well, the mirror told me!) that I looked quite pretty on the actual day but the photos reveal this not to be the case. All I see is wonky teeth in every pic (as I stupidly smiled in every photo) and flat, limp hair. I was mortified when a friend posted some pics she took at the wedding to facebook. I found it unbearable to think that people would see them. It actually spoilt my honeymoon and I cried over it Sad. I asked her to untag me so that hopefully no-one I went to school with/from my past etc would ever get to see them.
In day to day life I don't think too much about it as I am well turned out, well dressed and well groomed but my wedding day reality really hurt. Everyone wants to be a beautiful bride.

Original poster
neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 21:15

I have nice boobs OriginalJamie although only because they are full of milk, perhaps this sexy, funny, sharp, bright and attractive friend you speak of is me Wink

Thanks for all the lovely comments everyone. So true that I only see the bits I don't like. I'm actually one of the lucky few who has no complaints from the neck down and I wear nice clothes in flattering cuts and colours, blow dry my hair most mornings and generally tend to present a polished appearance. However I am not and will not ever be pretty. And you are right purplepansy, pretty is for girls and that time is passed and I need to get over it.

tethersend you are completely and utterly right when you say that I need to accept myself. I used to spend a lot of time feeling miserable about my appearance as a teenager and youngun' but am finding with age that I actually feel good about myself most of the time which in itself is a great achievement. However, every 8 weeks or so I do/see/think/hear something that sort of 'wakes me up' to my appearance and I spend a few days sulking in the doldrums. I'm 32 years old now and I'd like to get over that!

Oh and tangledupinblue2 you are so, so, SO very spot on. People see people not facial features (and I hope your son was ok after having his blood taken)

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 21:20

I would not normally advocate avoidance, but .... can you avoid some of those things that wake you up? I know I do. If you can go around feeling satisfied most of the time......

And I have never been pretty. Great hair though

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