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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my looks get me down

54 replies

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 14:55

It's my 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow so was going through my wedding photos with the children. Had a lovely time explaining it all to the children (and letting them try on my wedding dress ) but can't help feeling so sad that I didn't get to be the beautiful bride I felt in my head. It's almost a shock to look back and see this fugly goon wearing my dress and grinning at the camera in my place and I'm reminded why I never look back at them. Same thing with our Christmas photos, holiday photos, photos of me with the children as babies and so on.

Of course IABU and self centred and narcistic and I'm actually more than a little pissed off with myself about it. I am in good health, 1 happy healthy stepchild who adores me and 2 happy healthy children of my own (who also adore me I should add!) married to the man of my dreams and living a safe and well nourished existence in a democratic land of freedom and opportunity.

What the fuck right do I have to feel sorry for myself?

Someone please tell me to grow up and get a grip!

OP posts:

Original poster

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 21:25

Missed your post PropertyNightmare. It does seem so unfair doesn't it? I wonder whether I will be able to look back on my photos in 25 years and enjoy them then. I hope so. Fwiw we hired an expensive photographer with a very impressive portfolio (back when we were rich and with just DSS ) and ended up with 216 beautifully shot, magazine quality photos that never see the light of day. Actually I keep wondering if i should cut all the ones with my face in out (some nice ones of the dress from the back!) and edit them into a new album that I can actually enjoy.

OP posts:

Original poster

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 21:28

And missed your post too OriginalJamie. Although I do seem to be agreeing with you on the avoidance anyway!

OP posts:

badpoet · 06/03/2012 21:29

I know where you are coming from, I get this like from time to time - but less so lately actually! (am 36)

Thought I was totally plain when I was young. Now realise I was young & gorgeous . So I take pics of myself on my webcam, (not those kind you understand) just pics of my face and I sort of pretend I am looking at them 10/20/30 years hence and suddenly I think, fgs, you're actually all right. And with good makeup, pretty stunning in the right light.

Generally I don't look great in photos imo. But people always tell me I look like/remind them of someone else - generally fondly, most recent was someone's grandaughter - and no-one's ever said 'cos she's a minger too', so I think, actually I know that I am quite attractive and animated in real life. I bet you are too.

desperatenotstupid · 06/03/2012 21:31

I don't think im a minger, but the camera does - when i look in the mirror i see an ok looking, overweight but in proportion quite sexy woman. When i have my picture taken i look like a fugly goon&

Thing is OP, someone loved you enough to marry you, i would pressume that at least doesn't think youre a fugly goon. We are all self critical and mean to ourselves, we shouldnt be.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if i see a bouncy confident woman i see beauty, if i see an over made up, always looking in the mirror clothes horse, i think plain.

TattyDevine · 06/03/2012 21:32

Pretty is kind of "overrated" anyway I think.

Can you sort of try and project a "kind and happy" persona? You sound kind, and if you accept that these traits are good, you should also be able to achieve "happy"

It sounds so trite - I could pick things bad about myself on the wrong day and equally good things on a good day.

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 21:34

You do sound v kind

Also, do you do anything in your life that nourishes you, makes you feel really happy and free? I do dance classes and it takes me there

PropertyNightmare · 06/03/2012 21:38

Neverquitesure - I do feel a little better to hear that a professional photographer could not have saved the situation . Mind you FIL did not dare suggest photos taken from the back, lol. Perhaps I would have had one bearable shot if he had thought of that!

As I said, day to day, I think I look ok but fuck me the whole wedding thing was such a horrible wake up call. With no photos I would have said that I looked lovely on my wedding day. The truth hurts!

tangledupinblue2 · 06/03/2012 21:39

Sorry originaljamie

Thanks neverquitesure, he was fine, he is the most chilled out boy.

propertynightmare My worst nightmare is people posting photos on facebook of me, as I am super unphotogenic (any pics of me would be fine in Horse and Hound however)

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 21:43

tangled - me to. I hate it when people post pics of me on FB. I find it an invasion of privacy too, but I also think it's one of those things that "wakes you up" as well, as the OP describes. Because people will say "you look great" or "that's a nice photo", and I'll genuinely think "but if you think that's a nice photo then I must really look like that"

But as I say, Im about 90% happy with how I look

Original poster

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 21:52

Roll on 36! I look back on myself at 18 and realise I was not half as bad as I thought. And I am fortunate that I think I do manage to portray a fairly confident and happy persona and, other than my husband and very closest friends, no one would guess otherwise. To be fair, most of the time I am happy and confident.

You all speak the truth of course. I wonder if these cycles are cathartic and eventually I'll get all the bitterness/insecurity out of me then they'll stop. Goodness knows I have no need to get this upset over it and as tethersend said earlier I would hate my daughter to be so critical of herself.

Oh, and badpoet, ummm, sometimes I do take those sort of photos of myself for my husband and I look smoking hot in them. But that's only because I see myself through my husband's eyes when I look at them and let's be honest he's not looking at my face anyway.

OP posts:

Archemedes · 06/03/2012 21:53

I feel your pain in the 'I am not and will never be pretty sadness'

Original poster

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 21:54

OriginalJamie: Because people will say "you look great" or "that's a nice photo", and I'll genuinely think "but if you think that's a nice photo then I must really look like that"

So very true.

OP posts:

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 21:57

So, in summary:

Remain in a deluded state of bliss
Have the love of a good man
Make the most of yourself

Original poster

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 21:57

Thanks Archemedes. It's like a loss isn't it? I blame bloody Hollywood (which is one of the reasons I will never watch teen films) and its Disney Princesses and geek-into-stunner films.

I do like Shrek though

OP posts:

Original poster

neverquitesure · 06/03/2012 22:00

I will take your summary OriginalJamie, say nighty-night and end on that I think. I also have a sneaking suspicion that I'll wake up feeling good tomorrow which means this little downer has lasted less than 1 day which is good progress. Perhaps we can persuade the NHS to fund MN therapy?

OP posts:

OriginalJamie · 06/03/2012 22:01

Night

tangledupinblue2 · 06/03/2012 22:02

I think it is an invasion of privacy, original too.

I always remember when at school on an art trip, one of the girls took some pictures and then unkindly ridiculed me with them when we got home, in front of everyone at school. I had teenage acne at the time. She couldn't stop herself from pointing it out to everyone (as if it wasn't obvious enough anyway). I still worry 20 years later that she'll dig them out and post them on facebook "for old times sake" (paranoia!!) I think that's possibly where some of my fear of people taking photos of me comes from.

Sittinginthesun · 06/03/2012 22:03

I look at photos of me at 18, and think "omg, why on earth did I think that perm was a good look!?!".

I look crap in photos. I have a sort of double face, I'm toothy, and I have a big nose.

My absolute godsend was that I got drunk at a party when I was 16, was chatted up by several 18 year old boys, and decided at that moment that my natural sex appeal outweighed my big nose and double face.

I there avoid photos, but can still flirt for England if necessary, and this has kept my ego at a reasonable level over the years.

Op, you sound absolutely lovely.

perceptionreality · 06/03/2012 22:05

Really, nearly all brides do look lovely so you are probably assessing yourself harshly! Remember we don't see ourselves objectively.

tangledupinblue2 · 06/03/2012 22:05

That summary is great original
I think I will make it my new mantra
Night all

AlbertoFrog · 06/03/2012 22:15

My skin is awful. I still have acne at 40. I too have a cowlick and it's just at the point where my white streak in my hair is.

But I quite like my eyes.

OP what do you see when you look at your DH? They say like attracts like in the attractiveness stakes (unless you're very rich, very powerful or a member of a band) so if you think your partner's handsome it must follow that you're not bad yourself.

And anyway who wants pretty vacant? I much prefer character.

karismatik · 06/03/2012 22:20

Try this; ask someone to look at you with a solemn, critical, hostile, non-animated expression and see how attractive they look. That's how we look at ourselves in mirrors/windows etc and it's seldom attractive.

malinkey · 06/03/2012 22:20

Actually I think being pretty is highly overrated

Those cursed with good looks might not have to make the effort to develop a personality, other people might feel uncomfortable around them as they're so busy comparing themselves unfavourably to them so it might be hard for them to make good friends and what's more, they may be targeted by really superficial types who want a trophy girlfriend to make themselves look better so making it harder for them to find a decent relationship.

skybluepearl · 06/03/2012 22:30

can you concentrate on the bits of you that you do like or feel ok about?

DrCoconut · 07/03/2012 00:25

I hate photos of me. I look like I'm not the full shilling and about a stone heavier than I am in all of them. Our wedding album was hard to choose and we had to compromise on some to get enough with me looking OK ish to fill it! I had warned the photographer to take lots of pics. People assure me that I don't look as bad as that in real life if they know how I feel. Others say what a fab pic etc and I think i look like a troll from under a bridge. Re pics on facebook. Hate it. Managed to largely avoid being photographed at BIL's wedding recently . I would just have spoiled the group shots but at the same time it's sad that I have to airbrush myself out of occasions. I looked OK on photos when I was younger too, it's only more recently that I look ghastly. I do sometimes wonder if having being in (now out of!) an abusive relationship has messed with my self esteem, somehow although ex never specifically picked on my looks.

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