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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my aunt was ridiculous over this response to her son?

58 replies

Fishpond · 06/03/2012 03:27

My aunt has twin 4-year-olds, a boy and a girl. She is a HUGE proponent of gender separation, the girl likes everything pink and mummy-ish, the boy likes blue and tractors and trucks - IMO not because they LIKE these things as much as they were pushed on them since they were infants.

Anyway, I went to buy them a couple of carseats for my car not too long ago. The boy wanted a pink one like his sister, because he thought it was cool. I was totally fine with it and would have bought it had there been 2. As such, there was only 1, so I bought it first and installed it. Came back and explained the situation to the twins & their mother. She promptly went "Don't you dare buy him a pink car seat - he is a BOY he does not need anything pink. Pink is for girls."

Of course he then parroted his mother the rest of the time "pink is for girls, I don't want it now," whereas before, we'd had a lovely chat about how every colour is for everyone and a particular colour isn't just for one gender or the other. I spoke to her privately and asked was it really a huge deal for him to have a pink carseat in MY car - it's not as if she would have ever seen it, they only ride with me maybe once every week or two, and no one else would even know!! Her response was "Because eventually he will know that pink is for girls and he will hate it and want you to buy him a new one." I got tiffed and said that it was only the perpetuation of these gender stereotypes that would lead him to think that later.

Anyway - not wanting to cause a huge family row I bought him the black & tan carseat.

Who was BU?

(BTW: The car seat was not 100% pink - here is a link to it and its "masculine" equivalent: "boy" and "girl"

OP posts:
whackamole · 06/03/2012 03:40

She is utterly, utterly ridiculous and it is one of those things that (depending on the person) I would either get up in arms about, or just shrug and ignore.

Reminds me of when DSS mum expressed amazement that I had bought DTS' not only a toy buggy, but a PINK one to help them with their walking.

GlitterySkulls · 06/03/2012 03:44

tbh, i wouldn't give a shit what colour my son's carseat was, so long as it was safe & properly fitted.

she sounds very odd- you are buying her children carseats for your car, so they are safe- whats her problem? and why are you having to buy carseats anyway, why can't she just give you the ones they've already got when you've got the kids, & you can give her them back when you return the kids to her?

Original poster
Fishpond · 06/03/2012 04:00

They were fairly inexpensive and much less hassle than trying to organize getting 2 carseats in/out of the car. She has much fancier ones that last from 9 months - 5 years and are bulkier / wider and don't fit in my car as well. I just wanted something that would do the job on the occasion I had them safely. They actually prefer my carseats as they get to use a "big person" seatbelt

OP posts:
Moln · 06/03/2012 04:01

tbh I'd think twice about buying anything that is to be a long term item that is pink for a boy - due to the thought of the deevelopment of 'pink is for girls' when attending school.

Mind you I'd be hesitant in buying it in pink for a girl too (pink stinks and all that), but she's BU in telliing him pink is for girls and YANBU as you were just getting something he originally liked (eventhough I'd have never done as in that situatution had yoy actually goot the pink seat he'd have certainly had his mind changed anyway)

SofiaAmes · 06/03/2012 04:17

If that's the worst parenting flaw you can find in your aunt, I think you should just stop criticizing and when you have your own kids you can dress your poor son in all the pink you want.

ItWasABoojum · 06/03/2012 04:27

SofiaAmes, it's not about the OP wanting to dress boys in pink - it's about allowing them to make choices not based on crass gender stereotypes. It's attitudes like the aunt's that make children who differ from the 'norm' feel as if there's something wrong with them.

OP, YANBU and well done for saying something. Sounds like you'll be a great influence on these children.

SofiaAmes · 06/03/2012 04:38

No, it's about the op wanting to dress someone else's child in pink. It's not for her to decide how someone else should parent. I bought some pink clothes for my ds when he was a baby because I thought they were cute, but I certainly wouldn't have done that for someone else's child at any age and I wouldn't have dressed my ds in pink at age 4. If now at age 11 he wants to wear pink or do anything else that is likely to make him controversial amongst his peers, I would support him wholeheartedly and help guide him on how to deal with the consequences (teasing, etc.). But at 11 he is old enough to make those choices for himself and understand the societal implications of them.

Original poster
Fishpond · 06/03/2012 05:05

Sofia In no way did I ever suggest he wear something pink Confused although come to it, I don't see what the problem would be with that - after all, they do make pink polo shirts for boys Confused. I am myself currently pregnant with a boy and would have no problem if he wants to get something in whichever colourway it might be of the day.

It was a want expressed by my little cousin, not by myself, and me genuinely not understanding what her problem was with it, and her HUGE opposition to the prospect that made me upset for her son. He was basically being told his choice wasn't valid because he had a penis. WTF?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fishpond · 06/03/2012 05:06

Also, I'd like to know what the societal implications would have been for a 4-year-old with a pink carseat he sits in perhaps 1-2 times every couple of weeks.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 06/03/2012 05:10

YANBU. He wanted a pink one, it wasn't you pushing it on him! It's a shame, nowt you can do about it though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2012 05:12

Can we please just ban pink? It is a vile colour and I hate all the pink tat presents DD gets given. Boys get bullied and treated horribly when they touch, wear, think pink. Girls turn into simpering Disney Princess clones. Let's just ban pink and be done with it. I'm just bitter because I spent a fruitless weekend trying to buy non-pink, non-boy shoes for DD. She's ended up with light purple. I also spent a fortune buying her a chair because it was the only one that wasn't bubblegum pink or emblazoned with Disney fucking Cars.

georgethecat · 06/03/2012 05:22

Interestingly in history pink was for boys and blue for girls:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink#In_gender

SofiaAmes · 06/03/2012 06:11

Guess I just associate car seats with clothes....When my dd was 4 she desperately wanted a pink car seat and I couldn't find one that was an interesting shade of pink so my mother and I made a cover for one out of hot pink fake fur polka dots....and when dd outgrew the car seat, she and her sewing teacher (who makes fake fur light up clothes for Burning Man) made the car seat cover into a top and now wears it to school with her brother's hand me down cut-off jeans.

SofiaAmes · 06/03/2012 06:26

But Fishpond, it would be fine for you to make that choice for your child or to let him make that choice for himself when he gets older. I just don't agree that it's reasonable for you to make that choice for someone else's child. It's up to her to decide if she wants to subject her ds to possible teasing over a carseat or to pick a different battle for him.

Speaking from personal experience, my ds is a bully magnet and gets teased about all sorts of things and I have tried hard to guide him away from the superficial things that could cause him to be teased even more (like wearing goofy clothes), because the teasing not only is hurtful, but triggers week-long migraines in my ds. But when he decided that he wanted to take ballet lessons at age 10 (even though all his friends were playing soccer or basketball), it was clearly important enough to him that I made it happen for him and gave him as much help as I could to defray the teasing that followed. I'm not sure I would have been as encouraging if he had asked at age 4 because he would not have understood the full implications of it. But either way, it's my choice as a parent to figure out what works for my child.

AlpinePony · 06/03/2012 06:33

Tbh you both sound deranged.

squeakytoy · 06/03/2012 06:37

I can actually see why a woman with twins would want to show the world that one is a boy and one a girl.

Tee2072 · 06/03/2012 07:25

Grin Alpine. You took the words right out of my...er...fingers.

troisgarcons · 06/03/2012 07:30

Pink is the new black!

HardCheese · 06/03/2012 07:35

YANBU, of course, Fishpond. It's depressing to see adults teaching children restrictive gender stereotypes.

Chandon · 06/03/2012 07:36

you were being ridiculous.

Pushing pink on a boy isn't any better than putting blue on a boy.

I don't think you really let him choose, I think you pushed the pink one to make a point.

But on MN everyone will say you were right and I am wrong, I know that much, so enjoy your glory here.

I am all for boys wearing pink if they want, my oldest DS favourite top was white and pink striped one, my husband wears pink shirts, and purple, but I would not push it on my boys to make some kind of point.

featherbag · 06/03/2012 07:38

YABU - she's not taking her children seal-bashing of a weekend, she's just made some different parenting choices to you, as is her right. You knew exactly what her reaction would be, didn't you?

Tee2072 · 06/03/2012 07:42

Chadon, I agree with you.

If the child truly choose pink because he liked it, great, too bad his mom can't support that. But I doubt that's what happened here.

ifeelloved · 06/03/2012 07:47

Your aunt is ridiculous to have such a hissy fit. What will she do if her son carries on liking pink and shows a preference for 'girls' activities??

Tmesis · 06/03/2012 07:47

What if the boy wants to sit on a pink chair at the OP's house, SofiaAmes? Would you consider him not old enough to make that choice?

mercibucket · 06/03/2012 07:49

She is right though - in about 6 months he will refuse to sit in it

You should go ahead and buy it, then you can be smug short term, and she will be long term

Win-win

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