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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just bloody elope?

63 replies

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 00:53

The soon-to-be MrsComposHat proposed marriage on the 29th February: How exciting!

However the problems started when I spoke to my mum to inform her of the news. We'd planned a very small wedding (mostly due to cost, money is tight and I mean duck's arse tight, but because the idea of a big meringue-type weddings fill us both with horror.) Our initial idea was parents and siblings only at the registry office and then a party with buffet and disco in a local social club for friends and extended family. Both of our families live in central/southern England and we live in Scotland, so had planned to get married in Scotland.

Despite always professing to have no interest in weddings, my mum is throwing her weight around a bit and is trying to micro manage everything and generally sticking her nose in where it isn't wanted.

She seems to have found problems in everything we've planned. 'I can't cart your Gran a;; the way up to Scotland' or 'Your Aunty will be put out that she's not coming to the ceremony and probably won't come to just an evening do.' etc. etc.

We've been engaged for a week and the hassle hasn't let up. If things continue the way they are, I can see the wedding spiralling out of control and turning into a circus, a million miles from what we wanted and something we can ill afford. The other complicating factor is that my girlfriend's parents divorced acrimoniously and the day would need some very careful stage managing to stop the atmosphere from turning tense.

Anyway, after a few drinks the other night, we hit upon the idea of elopement. Go away with out telling anyone - maybe London on the Caledonian Sleeper- maybe a few drinks and a meal with London friends in the pub and then come back to Scotland the next day married.

I think eloping would be quite romantic and would save us a year's worth of earache. But we really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings- but fear in trying to please everyone we'll end up pleasing no one.

AIBU to think we should just go ahead and bloody elope?

OP posts:

TBF1 · 05/03/2012 00:58

Nope, it's your wedding. Have it your way. Don't let the bs get you down. All the best and enjoy every minute of it!

starwisher · 05/03/2012 00:58

No do it! Why do other people make weddings all about them?

Original poster

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 01:01

I know there's no malice in it, my mum's been used to being in charge at work and getting her own way at home as my dad's quite passive.

I just don't want it to be a snub that causes a massive family rift.

OP posts:

alessthandomesticgoddess · 05/03/2012 01:04

YANBU. Elope!

starwisher · 05/03/2012 01:06

You have two choices

Tell your mum to back off and this is your day and she fits in with you
Elope

MarjorieAntrobus · 05/03/2012 01:18

YANBU

Elope, then maybe a few weeks later, throw a party near to where family live.

TBF1 · 05/03/2012 01:19

Even though all concerned mean well and are only trying to "help", this situation has a tendancy to snowball. Trust me, dh and I spent alot of time wishing we'd got the bottle to elope and escape all the stress of the family stuff. I'm now so glad that I'm married to him but there's no way I'd ever marry him again if last time was anything to go by! :)

Original poster

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 01:20

starwisher I know, not sure how effective telling her to back off would be: she can't bloody help herself and doesn't realise how overbearing she is half the time.

I know, I could kick myself for floating our initial idea with her, now it looks like we are doing it to spite her.

Seems like it might be elopement. It would be nice to reverse the trend too, eloping from Scotland to England.

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 05/03/2012 01:23

You've got Gretna Green nearby, don't you? Go for it!

Think of the wonderful stories later for your grandchildren

Original poster

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 01:42

Thanks everyone!

I wonder how people with adult children would feel, would you be desperately hurt if your children got married without telling you?

I feel daft using the word elope so extensively, we are both in our 30s!

OP posts:

MarjorieAntrobus · 05/03/2012 01:49

A wise question, compos.

I think I would be hurt if my adult children did this, even though a few posts ago I urged you to elope. I said that though because it seems as if your DM wants your wedding done her way, and is unmoveable on the subject.

I do hope though, that I would say to my adult children, "What kind of wedding are YOU planning and how can I help?"

Original poster

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 02:02

Cheers Marjorie daft thing is - I can't see that she's getting any pleasure out of any of this, it just seems to be a source of agitation for her. She'll be a nightmare on the day.

She just can't seem to cope with situations she can't control, so part of me thinks she might be relieved if it was all over and done with.

Ps. Is your namesake still alive in the Archers, no one has mentioned her in awhile.

OP posts:

MarjorieAntrobus · 05/03/2012 02:30

I think the Marjorie Antrobus character died a long while ago Compos but I liked her. She was very no-nonsense but kindly, iirc.

An outsider (me) can write something like, "Just tell your mother what you have planned and she will have to lump it", but of course in real life it can be quite hard to speak so forcefully to one's DM and, even if you manage to do so, she will probably come back with niggly problems that she can see in your plan.

Do stick to your guns though, or it will snowball into an extravagant and stressful wedding that is completely out of your control. (That was me stating the bloody obvious there. :o)

suburbophobe · 05/03/2012 02:36

If my son wanted to get married in the Caribbean on a beach with just two witnesses, I would give him my blessing.

In fact, I'll PAY him to do that, LOL, must be cheaper and less stressful than wondering where to draw the line at the extended family/friends invites...

You can always give a party after the fact.

Original poster

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 03:21

If my son wanted to get married in the Caribbean on a beach with just two witnesses, I would give him my blessing

That's good to know, makes me feel less like an neglectful/horrible son. I really wish I didn't feel like this!

The Caribbean...I'd settle for Catford!

OP posts:

BatCave · 05/03/2012 03:39

Congratulations on your engagement!

And I would say - go for it! Elope! We did (we actually went to Gretna) and I can honestly say it was the best thing we ever did. We didn't tell anyone except our parents and we had their blessing. My mum was involved, she helped me buy my dress, my MIL paid for and helped choose our hotel and FIL paid for a photographer, so they were all involved in one way or another. No one attended the ceremony - we had strangers as witnesses but it all added to the excitement.

Absolutely no regrets. Nobody was put out ( I think my sister was a little upset that I didn't tell her - but she's never let on) It was a magical day. Stress free - we didn't have all that meticulous planning to do, and very low budget, cost us about £400 in all (including food and petrol to Gretna) but it could easily have been less.

And people are still buzzing about it 2 years later :o

Been there, done it - I definitely recommend!

MarieFromStMoritz · 05/03/2012 03:39

I think your DM has a point about your aunty, though. Can't you do the ceremony in Scotland then ask your mum to organise a small party in the south?

MooncupandPizza · 05/03/2012 03:49

I know my mum would have been upset if I had eloped as my SIL (brother's wife) 's sister eloped with just my bro and SIL as witnesses so she told me then that she'd have been really upset if it was her daughter.

However Batcave's way sounds like a compromise?
or, what we ended up doing, is planning everything in 6 weeks (small registry office with family only, dinner in a restaurant for 60) which meant things couldn't really get too out of hand.

Congratulations and hope you can find a way that suits you as a couple without putting any noses majorly out of joint.

twooter · 05/03/2012 04:15

I would be gutted if my dd eloped. You have to be firm, maybe threaten it.

GiserableMitt · 05/03/2012 04:44

If you can't have your wedding your way then you are NBU to elope.

As others have said, you meed to be firm with your Mother. Decide what YOU as a couple want then tell her "This is how it is going to be, take it or leave it."

She might back off once she realises she's not going to get her own way.

hawthers · 05/03/2012 06:02

How about telling her that if she doesn't back off/calm down you are thinking of eloping so never mind aunty sue not coming, she wouldn't even be invited. Might be enough to get your point across although it does give her something else to kick off about.

molly3478 · 05/03/2012 07:08

me and dh had these kind of problems so we ran away to Jamaica and did it! That was 8 years ago and it was brilliant, and a right adventure! Everyone was happy for us in the end and no arguments. (I was only 20 and he was 19 though so we were being rebels )

molly3478 · 05/03/2012 07:10

I will add that I 100% want our DCs to do it I think its the best way no stress, all about the marriage not the wedding and your feelings for each other rather than table arrangements and discos. I think you will find the experience very heartfelt and have great memories from it.

GotMyLittleLamb · 05/03/2012 07:25

Hello, DH and I gt married in Cyprus last year with 3 guests. I was absolutely dreading telling my dad and grandparents who up to the point we decided to elope were interfering and over the top about every part of the potential wedding planning. We, like you, felt it was going to turn into something we couldn't afford and didn't want. When I did tell them (about 2 weeks before the event) they were lovely and supportive, we explained we were getting married for the marriage, not the wedding iykwim and this would make us happy. The relief was extraordinary and it was the best day ever plus came in at less than £1,500 for everything which makes me happy as I am a tightarse!!

I have since talked to lots of people and very few were actually put out, the majority said they just wanted us to be happy and were thrilled to see a few pics.

I say do it, it's your day :)

PotteringAlong · 05/03/2012 07:30

Can you combine the 2? Organize a family party (your or your DP's birthdays are handy dates) in the middle / south, get everyone there, you get married in the afternoon and just announce it when you arrive? Then everyone is involved and you still get to elope!

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