AIBU to just bloody elope?

[ComposHat]

The soon-to-be MrsComposHat proposed marriage on the 29th February: How exciting!

However the problems started when I spoke to my mum to inform her of the news. We'd planned a very small wedding (mostly due to cost, money is tight and I mean duck's arse tight, but because the idea of a big meringue-type weddings fill us both with horror.) Our initial idea was parents and siblings only at the registry office and then a party with buffet and disco in a local social club for friends and extended family. Both of our families live in central/southern England and we live in Scotland, so had planned to get married in Scotland.

Despite always professing to have no interest in weddings, my mum is throwing her weight around a bit and is trying to micro manage everything and generally sticking her nose in where it isn't wanted.

She seems to have found problems in everything we've planned. 'I can't cart your Gran a;; the way up to Scotland' or 'Your Aunty will be put out that she's not coming to the ceremony and probably won't come to just an evening do.' etc. etc.

We've been engaged for a week and the hassle hasn't let up. If things continue the way they are, I can see the wedding spiralling out of control and turning into a circus, a million miles from what we wanted and something we can ill afford. The other complicating factor is that my girlfriend's parents divorced acrimoniously and the day would need some very careful stage managing to stop the atmosphere from turning tense.

Anyway, after a few drinks the other night, we hit upon the idea of elopement. Go away with out telling anyone - maybe London on the Caledonian Sleeper- maybe a few drinks and a meal with London friends in the pub and then come back to Scotland the next day married.

I think eloping would be quite romantic and would save us a year's worth of earache. But we really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings- but fear in trying to please everyone we'll end up pleasing no one.

AIBU to think we should just go ahead and bloody elope?

This thread is making me very grateful that my parents and soon-to-be-ILs are relatively hands-off about the whole getting hitched thing. I can't imagine how much it would do my nut in if MIL-to-be suddenly announced that a vast swathe of rellies from the Welsh hills would be descending upon us. Fortunately nothing of the sort has happened.

On a related note though, wasn't there a thread a little while ago from a bride-to-be who was in a state because her MIL was getting all up in their plans for a small wedding and her fiance didn't seem to be able to tell his mum to back off?

OP, if you're currently facing something similar this might be the Symbolic Moment where you need to tell your mum in no uncertain terms that your loyalties are henceforth to your wife. Otherwise your mum will get the idea that she can railroad over your and your DW's wishes whenever she likes, and the result will be blood and tears a slew of AIBUs from Mrs ComposHat in the coming years about her overbearing MIL...

The thing is, it´ll only spiral out of control if you let it.

Can you now say no more to your mum, book it yourselves & send out the invitations that you want to?

Mrs ComposHat in the coming years about her overbearing MIL.

We are already at that stage, I fear.

I'm sure that we could stop it spiraling, but whether she'd accept our decisions with good grace is another matter.

Any tips on how to broach it with her in a non confrontational way?

Eloping south of the border brings practical problems - you have to give notice (in person) a couple of weeks before. That is why we go north of the border if we want a quickie wedding!

My tip: the less you tell them the less they can interfere. Book what you want and then just invite them along. At that point they can like it or lump it.

She's probably just got mixed feelings about losing her baby boy to some other woman, even if she hasn't framed it to herself like that. Tell her you appreciate how excited she is that you're getting married, and that she's willing to put in lots of effort, but that it's really important to both of you that you do it your way. Then explain again what 'your way' is and keep explaining it. Be gentle but firm, and on no account let yourself be needled by anything that smacks of 'But I gave birth to you and raised you from tiny, how could you do this to me you cruel ungrateful child???'. Mothers are often experts at guilt; if she tries it just tell yourself that's what she's doing and don't let it get to you.

In the worst case scenario just brace yourself for a bit of bad grace. It'll blow over in the end, but at the last count you're marrying Mrs ComposHat and planning to spend the rest of your life with her, not with your mother, so your and your DW-to-be's joint needs and priorities win over your mum's. She will get used to it in the end

Looking at your OP again-are you planning to have no reception & an evening "do", or a buffet & party as your reception to which extended family are coming?

In which case, what is your Mum´s problem?

I think if you haven´t been in this position it´s hard to give advice tbh.

We booked stuff & told parents what was happening & who was invited.

OP is your mum perhaps overbearing because you tell her a lot & she thinks that her advice/input is still wanted/needed on everything?

didl

We had planned to get married (immediate family) lateish in the day and then have a buffet/party in lieu of a sit down meal (for everyone) There's no way we can afford a sit down meal for everyone coming.

We booked stuff & told parents what was happening & who was invited

After talking about it, that's what we've decided to do. Principally because it isn't really fair on my girlfriend's family. Stick to the original plan

Then explain again what 'your way' is and keep explaining it. Be gentle but firm

Thanks matinee that chat will be happening soonish!

OK-is the registry office too small to house everyone who you want to invite to the reception, then-or you only want a few at the ceremony?

Buffet/party as a reception sounds great.

didl bit of both.

The registry office is small but could prob, fit in a few more than the parents plus siblings we'd planned on having. We thought Immediate family only at the registry office seemed fairest as we couldn't fit everyone in.

By drawing the line so absolutely, it seemed a way of stopping other people's noses getting put out of joint - 'Friend/ distant relative x is coming to the whole thing and I'm only coming to the reception' type mumping and moaning.

How wrong we were!

Hope I'm not getting too groomzilla over this!

I can see how it snowballs though.

Aunts & Uncles leading on to cousins & their partners & children..

(My Dad is one of 7, one of whom has 7...)

We invited Aunts & Uncles but "pruned" cousins by only inviting those who lived nearby who I still actually saw!

I think it depends on how many problems trying to fit others in would cause-if you couldn´t invite all Aunts for example & that would cause probs, then stick to parents & siblings-& maybe GPs?

I have 9 cousins, most of whom are married and have young kids, so they would fill the registry office alone.
My girlfriend has cousins, uncles and aunties coming out of her ears (one lot who'd drink the place dry)

TBH, I'm only close to one cousin as we grew up 100s of miles apart.

My Gran is another world of worry. Which isn't worth going into here!

Oddly Compos I found myself thinking about your situation this morning. The more I mull it over the more I suspect this is (probably unconsciously) a bit of rivalry between your mum and your DW-to-be: trying to reassure herself that even though her darling boy is getting married to Some Other Woman she still has his ear and can guilt/railroad him into going against his wife's wishes.

Problem is, she's going to have to get used to the fact that this isn't the case. The sooner she gets her head round this fact, the fewer arguments you'll have with Mrs ComposHat

hugh thanks for the post; you've probably hit the nail on the head. She wouldn't rare it with future MrsC as she'd have no truck with it, but as my mum, she knows how to press my guilt buttons. I think the 'we can't cart your gran up to Scotland'business, she is unsteady on her feet and needs a stick, and may need to use a,wheelchair for any huge distances) is her attempt to get us to move the wedding to the midlands.

Hopefully once she knows how the land lies, she'll be less meddling.