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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just bloody elope?

63 replies

ComposHat · 05/03/2012 00:53

The soon-to-be MrsComposHat proposed marriage on the 29th February: How exciting!

However the problems started when I spoke to my mum to inform her of the news. We'd planned a very small wedding (mostly due to cost, money is tight and I mean duck's arse tight, but because the idea of a big meringue-type weddings fill us both with horror.) Our initial idea was parents and siblings only at the registry office and then a party with buffet and disco in a local social club for friends and extended family. Both of our families live in central/southern England and we live in Scotland, so had planned to get married in Scotland.

Despite always professing to have no interest in weddings, my mum is throwing her weight around a bit and is trying to micro manage everything and generally sticking her nose in where it isn't wanted.

She seems to have found problems in everything we've planned. 'I can't cart your Gran a;; the way up to Scotland' or 'Your Aunty will be put out that she's not coming to the ceremony and probably won't come to just an evening do.' etc. etc.

We've been engaged for a week and the hassle hasn't let up. If things continue the way they are, I can see the wedding spiralling out of control and turning into a circus, a million miles from what we wanted and something we can ill afford. The other complicating factor is that my girlfriend's parents divorced acrimoniously and the day would need some very careful stage managing to stop the atmosphere from turning tense.

Anyway, after a few drinks the other night, we hit upon the idea of elopement. Go away with out telling anyone - maybe London on the Caledonian Sleeper- maybe a few drinks and a meal with London friends in the pub and then come back to Scotland the next day married.

I think eloping would be quite romantic and would save us a year's worth of earache. But we really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings- but fear in trying to please everyone we'll end up pleasing no one.

AIBU to think we should just go ahead and bloody elope?

OP posts:
MissTapestry · 05/03/2012 07:31

My mum is urging me to elope, she'd love to play the role of mother of the bride, but she knows our finances aren't up to the big white wedding thing, and she just wants us to get it done and be happy!
I don't think YWBU to do it, we haven't even looked at starting to plan ours and already the stress is killing me! Grin

molly3478 · 05/03/2012 07:34

do it misstapestry we stayed in a 5 star all inclusive hotel and got married on the beach We were there for 2 weeks and it only cost 2k! Its the experience of a lifetime as I had never been so far away and would be way way cheaper than a uk wedding.

DaffodilsAhoy · 05/03/2012 07:35

I would be absolutely gutted if either of my dc eloped. Rather than whining on here about how tricky it is just be straight forward with everyone about what you want. Say this is what we are doing, we'd love you to be there, if you can't thrn we'll miss you but that is fine. Give them a chance to start behaving rather than throwing your toys out of the pram and upsetting everyone. Personally I would want my parents who spent years loving me and raising me to be there on my wedding day.
Blimey I had no idea I felt so strongly about this!

Rinkan · 05/03/2012 07:39

Why does a reg office only have to have parents there? I have been to a few reg office ceremonies with room for at least 20 people. That would at least address your aunty's issue with coming all that way just for an evening do. But why DO you want to do get married in Scotland if both sets of parents will have far to come? Emotional connection to your adopted hometown? To make it easier for friends to come? Perhaps you need to explain that to her your DM, remind her that weddings are not all about family. If I were to get married i'd do it wherever was closer to the majority of the guests whom I wanted to invite.

YellowDinosaur · 05/03/2012 07:39

I would be gutted if either of my sons eloped. But I would never tell then since a wedding should be mostly about what the couple getting married want.

If I were you I would sit my mum down and tell her, explicitly, how much her behaviour is upsetting you and tell her either it stops or the 2 of you will elope. Make sure your wife to be agrees though!

OlaRapaceFru · 05/03/2012 07:43

YANBU. Elope - how romantic!

My ex hairdresser did that. Her DH was from another country and her family lived about 400 miles away from where she lived, so I'm guessing they were getting a lot of similar problems from both their parents. So they just upped and went to Gretna Green. I, coincidentally, happened to be having my hair cut on the day she was flashing her wedding ring to her colleagues. Grin. They then had a couple of family celebrations in each of their home towns afterwards.

schobe · 05/03/2012 07:49

We went to Gretna. I think YANBU to do it, but be prepared to deal with the fallout afterwards.

Waswondering · 05/03/2012 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bossybritches22 · 05/03/2012 07:57

How about

Quiet Gretna do with a few close friends.

Party down south for oldies in nearest social club/nice pub every buy their own or maybe your parents would pay for a small buffet in lieu of wedding prezzies?

Party up North for all friends in the venue you originally suggested.

venusandmars · 05/03/2012 07:58

composhat you need to be aware that 'eloping' to England is more difficult than eloping to Scotland. The marriage law in England means that you have to have been resident in England for at least 7 days before you can be married there. There is no residency requirement in Scotland (and much more liberal marriage laws) which is why people elope TO here (Scotland) rather than FROM here. I am in the 'industry' so pm me if you want any more information about the ptocess of getting married in Scotland/England.

My dh and I had a wedding with just the 2 of us and our 2 witnesses. We didn't elope, in that we did tell out parents and immediate family before, but we did have the no-fuss event that was important to us. I also know that my family would have been upset if they hadn't known about the wedding beforehand. Good luck.

GiserableMitt · 05/03/2012 07:59

We halted all our wedding plans due to it being a huge PITA and decided to get married while we were on our already-booked holiday - 3 weeks ahead of doing it.

When we told the family...
My Dad: got the champagne out
My Mum: was happy but got her own back by getting married abroad and not inviting me to her wedding
MiL: cried because this would have been a special one to her but realised that it was our day and our happiness that mattered.
SiL: never forgave us :o

BiscuitNibbler · 05/03/2012 08:09

Do it - we went to Vegas and it was the best decision ever. No hassle, loads cheaper than a UK wedding, and a honeymoon built in.

I am always surprised by how many people spend months worrying about napkins and seating plans. A wedding is a means to an end, not the end itself.

BiscuitNibbler · 05/03/2012 08:14

At my cousin's wedding the groom's mother gave a tearful speech (actually a sobbing speech) about "losing her son" and how he would always be welcome back home "if things don't work out". It was one of the most uncomfortable moments I have ever seen.

My MIL is the same kind of woman, and this also contributed to our plans to elope!

mummytime · 05/03/2012 08:18

I would be happy my kis got married, and could understand if they wanted to elope (but then I don't plan to interfere too much either).

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 05/03/2012 08:41

What do you two want to do?

When you look back, are you going to be sad that your family and friends didn't share in your special day, or relieved that you avoided the earache? Will there be more, and longer-lasting, ructions if you do it without any of the family at all? Is your mum likely to make a big fuss and then settle down, or make a big fuss and sustain it for years? What's your relationship like with the Aunty in question - can you talk to her? As another poster suggested, can you have aunties and grandmas at the registry office - it is a long way just for an evening do. Ultimately it's all a balancing act, and you should do what feels right for you, bearing in mind the consequences. Your mum might be wholly unreasonably in her approach, it is your day, but if she's going to be funny with you for years afterwards, can you find a compromise that suits you both?

noinspiration · 05/03/2012 08:52

Elope!!! Aw go on. I wish I had eloped. It would have been much more fun (and much cheaper) than doing the conventional thing.

Plus what a cool story to tell the grandchildren Grin

VikingLady · 05/03/2012 11:59

We ended up with no end of family ructions for having a tiny wedding, and my mum did say that we should have just eloped. It would have created so much less tension! You can get away with that, saying it was an impulse, whereas they can get teed off at being excluded if it is something in the UK that has clearly been planned. Ructions were enough that db is now planing a large wedding to rebuild relationships. me, I wouldn't bother...

My mum said that even though she was recently widowed, by the way. So not all relatives are difficult.

Original poster
ComposHat · 05/03/2012 12:24

Thanks everyone,really great to get such a range of views.

Our families live several hundred miles apart, so there's no easy way of getting a venue (wolverhampton and eastbourne) that suits both families and Scotland is very much our home.

I am worried that if we start okaying extended families it will snowball 'well if you invite Aunty x, then you should ask Uncle Y and what about your cousins, they asked you to their wedding' there will also be the expectation of a sit down meal - which pushes it into painfully expensive territory.

At this stage the elopement looks on!

OP posts:
diddl · 05/03/2012 12:30

I think that you should elope if that´s what you want to do-not because you can´t get your mum in line!

PurplePidjin · 05/03/2012 12:56

Every time your mum has a "suggestion" tell her that you expect her to pay for it.

Either you get a free wedding, or she does it your way...

OTheHugeManatee · 05/03/2012 12:59

OP, is your mother offering to pay or trying to control an event you're paying for?

If she's paying then it's maybe fair she has a say in where and how big - after all she'll be footing the bill. If she's not paying (it sounds as though she isn't), she can bloody well respect your decisions.

Tell her if she wants a celebration for all of Rabbit's friends and relations she can organise and host it herself for after the honeymoon, with you and Mrs ComposHat as guests of honour darn sarf; but that you'll be doing the wedding your way, to suit your budget and she can come or not as she likes. Also that the alternative to doing it your way is you and your fiancee leaving the country and having a private ceremony with no members of the family present, and does she really want to be responsible for that?

Seriously, you're going to have to confront her - while eloping might seem like the line of least resistance I doubt it will be in the long run. Whichever way you slice it you're going to have to confront her; at least if you offer her the choice (pay for it herself, put up and shut up or be responsible for the two of you eloping) you can say it's her fault if other family members whinge.

Original poster
ComposHat · 05/03/2012 14:06

No, she's not paying. We want to pay for it ourselves, because it is our day and wouldn't expect anyone else to fund it. Equally we don't want anyone else dictating terms.

I might try talking it through with my sister, she might have a better sense of how the land lies and what the reaction may be.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComposHat · 05/03/2012 14:11

girlwithalama I honestly can't see my Aunty being arsed one eat or other. - it is my mum second guessing.

We both have large-ish extended families, so if one is invited, there will be whole bloody tribes she'll want to come.

OP posts:
NorthernChinchilla · 05/03/2012 15:24

That's exactly it compo, it's the snowballing... 'if you invite X, then Y must come, and if Y is going, then you have to invite their children... and all of a sudden Wills 'n' Kate's do at the Cathedral looks low-key.

One of the reasons I haven't done it too!

YANBU to elope at all, but be aware that it may cause some big family issues, especially from those who are aware that they may be the reason you eloped!

nemno · 05/03/2012 15:42

I absolutely don't mind how my children marry but I would be devastated not to be there. I would try not to show my upset if excluded just as my PIL's didn't when my BIL got married in Vegas. The family was really upset but BIL and SIL are unaware of that AFAIK. Nobody tried to interfere in the arrangements on our side of the family but I think her family did, eloping probably was easier. Honestly witnessing the distress was horrible, all the while the groom and bride were oblivious.

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