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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SO FURIOUS.....Or am I being a bit of an old fart?

95 replies

ginger19 · 04/03/2012 21:05

Hurry on this one cause she is on her way over....I think.
Old friend.VERY crazy fun, loving etc. Has been there during the hard times. She is dramatic.It is always about her and her crazy dramas. Conversation always is about her. Sometimes I find this tiresome....I digress.

She dropped her ds at mine sat afternoon for sleepover to celebrate my DS turning 5. Agreed she would pick him up at 4 on sun. I was hosting a small party for family and friends and told her several times I would be tired.I have a 1 year old DD , and lots of family to cater for . She has a history of being late to pick him up....By hours. This has annoyed me so so much in the past, that I have promised my self NEVER to allow it to happen again. It invariably does as the boys are best friends,I love her and him, and I want every one to have a good time.

She is a single mum and struggles financially. Her life is not without hardship and I appreciate this and want to help...She is going out, having a night out, i GET IT...It is now 9.00. SCHOOL IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

I called her about 10 times before giving up and putting the boys to bed.My DS has ear ache. He is now in my bed . Now they are sleeping I get a TEXT .Sorry I missed your calls. I was sleeping..On my way over.

Her DS Has not even blinked. Not bothered by being left here for 2nd night in a row. I texted back." Come in the morning before 8 am.

I like a night out as much as the next girl. But you have to be wasted not to call/ wake up to pick up your kid.I feel it is not fair on any of us.
Am I being an up tight bitch?

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/03/2012 10:56

tbh there is a neglect issue here I feel

What do you think?

NowThenWreck · 05/03/2012 11:10

Your friend has problems that go beyond being a drama queen broke single mum.
She sounds really depressed, or like she has a substance abuse problem.
I am a single mum too, and if my son stays with my parents I pick him up at 11 am the next day.
I just can't imagine not showing up for a whole day. "Sleeping through" her alarm? It sounds really unlikely. Doesn't she miss him?
I don't know about cutting her out of your life, because her ds sounds like he need you in his life. I feel really sorry for him.
I think you need to sit her down and tell her that what she did was neglectful, and that you would have had every right to call social services with your concerns. She needs to be shocked into changing this behaviour.

Original poster
ginger19 · 05/03/2012 11:23

Wierdly, just talked to my mum about this and she implied...pipe down dear, it is not so bad, but you must find new friends....Just took dd to play group drop in and will try and do so more.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/03/2012 11:26

"because her ds sounds like he need you in his life."

That could be what the "friend" relies on though.

Does she use others in this way or just you OP-& how often does she do it?

SwimmingThroughSickLullabies · 05/03/2012 11:32

No not at all!! What a f*king disgrace!

I'm single I like a night out if DS has slept over at a friends house I am there by 10.30 at the latest the next day.

I had a friend who I used to babysit for all the time. She never paid the favour back and would always be late collecting her DD.

In the end I stopped sitting.
Some people will just take the piss if you let them. You have to stop letting her take the piss now!
If it ends your friendship don't worry your DS will make plenty of friends. Unfortunately for her DS she will keep losing them for him.

perfumedlife · 05/03/2012 11:35

Well it's clear where you get your doormat tendancies form op, if that's how your own mother sees it! She is wrong, it is bad and it's rude beyond belief.

It's also neglect.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 05/03/2012 11:49

Pipe down dear!

Blimey.

I don't have any sympathy for the mother, saying she has substance absue issues may be going a bit far, it is more likely that she is just a complete flake and a loser.

I feel sorry for her son really.

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 12:08

You shouldve made her collect him last night really, in keeping him another night you are sort of saying to her that you are ok with it.

She is doing this because you are giving the imp[ression you are fine with it, its all well and good giving her a little lecture when she picks him up but if you continue to do it then you must be ok with it? I bet thats how she sees it anyway.

Tmesis101 · 05/03/2012 12:09

Hi ginger19. I think this person is toxic to you, and will take the p* unless you are very firm with her. You're naturally worried about your DS if you complain and she stops them being friends, but I think your obligations are to you and yours and harmonious give-and-take friendships are much better.

Original poster
ginger19 · 05/03/2012 12:27

I see waking a 5 year old at 10 pm on a sunday night , trapse him across town as just so so mean. That is why I let him stay.

OP posts:
IvanaHumpalot · 05/03/2012 13:06

I would be very worried. Leaving the child with you, a caring and responsible parent is one thing. Not picking him up, going on a bender quite another. When she needs another night(s) out, where else does she dump leave the child? I would have no hesitation speaking to SS. I have concerns, they check them out. I wouldn't care if she ranted at me for doing it - no caring/sane parent would abandon their child.
I think this is a substantial indicator of neglect.

Proudnscary · 05/03/2012 13:14

Ginger - you really did have your opportunity to take her to task this morning! Your son missing the bus should have been your 'in' to really lay it on the line. Oh well, at least you did say something.

Me? I would totally cut her out of my life.

tiredemma · 05/03/2012 13:55

ginger- the point is that he shouldn't have been at yours at 10pm on a sunday night!!!!

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 14:01

I see waking a 5 year old at 10 pm on a sunday night , trapse him across town as just so so mean. That is why I let him stay

Yep me too, but his mum knows you think this way so thats why she did it!

You will have to be harsh or she will keep on taking the piss!

He is not your responsibility

bochead · 05/03/2012 14:13

It's neglect - at the very least let the child's school know so they can keep an eye out for the poor mite. This is potentially a social services case in the making.

If that child had fallen down the stairs who would have authorised medical treatment? I'm a single Mum, and would NEVER be uncontactable for DAYS at a time. Her behavior is nothing short of disgusting.

How can you be "friends" with someone who has so little regard for their own flesh and blood - an innocent child? I don't get it. I'm repulsed by people like this (male or female - neglect and abandonment isn't an exclusively female preserve).

Whatmeworry · 05/03/2012 14:18

Wierdly, just talked to my mum about this and she implied...pipe down dear, it is not so bad, but you must find new friends.

I think she's saying put up with this for DS's sake as he gets pleasure, but get other friends (options) longer term.

But I do think I'd refuse the next time, just to learn her.

giraffes · 05/03/2012 14:25

OP - you sound like a very caring person but you are giving your friend permission to let her behave like this - she clearly has issues around responsibility but please don't support her in this. She sounds like if you give her an inch she will take a mile. If you do value her friendship, you need to stop the sleepovers, you need to stop giving her the opportunity to neglect her ds and you. Please for your sake and maybe her ds's sake don't continue to enable her!

DinahMoHum · 05/03/2012 14:33

what a pisstaker :O

jan2011 · 06/03/2012 09:55

ginger you sound like a lovely girl. im glad you went to the group and really hope you find some new friends- it takes time but persevere as people will be so grateful to find someone as caring as you. you don't have to cut your friend completely out of your life, u can meet her for lunch or something - your time, your terms, never hers. her son will be glad to know you, but you simply can't be used over and over again its no good all the best

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 06/03/2012 12:46

I think meeting out of your house is a good idea. Go to her house or the park or a play centre or anywhere, rather than have her drop her child off with you.

I would feel sorry for her son if you stopped seeing them altogether. She sounds the type to make a new friend very quickly but then repeat her behaviour with them and not keep them as a friend for very long. I can imagine her son spending his childhood making and losing friends because of his mother taking advantage of their parents and that would be a shame.

But it's not a good enough reason for you to be treated so badly by her if it is wearing you down so much and when your own children need your attention too.

Meeting out of your house and having her stay with her son will give you a chance to establish some basic ground rules with her. If she doesn't like the new arrangements because they mean she actually has to look after her son herself and behave better as a friend then she may drop you instead, and find someone else to take advantage of, but at least you will know you did your best to maintain a workable friendship without being treated as her doormat.

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