to think school are overreacting a bit regarding my ds and his toilet training?

[Dazedandalittleconfused]

So basically, my ds is 3 and attends the pre school attached to the local primary. He started in January when he had just turned 3 and was in pullups but we changed him to pants in the half term as we were getting nowhere with toilet training him whilst he was wearing the pullups. The first couple of weeks were a bit of a nightmare, pretty much no progress in half term and lots of wet pants the first week he started back. The school suggested we talk to the health visitor who also spoke to them, and suggested that we take a relaxed attitude to accidents both at home and school as she thought the lack of progress might have been down to him feeling pressurised, so thats what we did and he has come on a lot. He has been going to the toilet at home, telling us more when he needs a wee and usually managing several successes during the day (not for number 2s, but for the minute I am concentrating on getting him dry, all the while scraping out poo from his pants daily whilst smiling through gritted teeth!) so all of this is great in comparison to two weeks ago when he seemingly had no awareness of needing a wee. Now at school he had-at the start of the week- been staying dry all morning, and not actually going to the toilet during the morning session but letting me take him for a wee before we left the school, however yesterday he had one accident and today two accidents, and before I left the school told me that I may need to put him back in pullups for the pre school session. I think that this would be a huge setback for him and had previously been advised by the HV not to put him back into nappies, so I'm bit upset at this as I think he's doing so much better than he was in general. I have offered to stay nearby and come in to change him if it gets too much but the teacher just said we'll have to see how it goes. I just feel that they are making a bigger deal out of this than it is and really don't want him back in nappies! And feel sorry for ds as I think they are still pressurising him at school about it all (he wasn't aloud to sit with the other children during carpet time today as they could see he needed a wee and didn't want him to have another accident there- I do understand that it's not easy for teachers but can't help feeling sorry for my poor boy!)

He is 3????? They are making a fuss like this over a 3 year old having toileting problems?! That is absolutely unreal. YANBU but they definitely are. I really hope they see sense soon.

Please put in some paragraphs so this is easier to read! Half way down it is impossible to read.

The nursery at my DCs school won't let them start until they are toilet trained. They do have little accidents but if it's every day or several times a day they take the place away until the child is toilet trained. Pull ups aren't allowed at all. It's not like paid for childcare/daycare nurseries, it's the prelude to school. They can start as soon as on their third birthday and there's a place, but they must be toilet trained. I thought all school nurseries were like this. lives and learns

I'd put him back in pull-ups just for the pre-school sessions if it's what they want. My preschool asked me to do the same and I did it and I don't think it had any impact on delaying her toilet training. I don't think pre-school is like nursery in that it isn't there main job to be clearing up accidents. They're not saying they won't accept him if he isn't toilet trained just asking that he is in pull-ups whilst he is with them, I don't think they are being unreasonable.

I'm not sure. Would he be better in a non school nursery, maybe in the preschool room of a daycare nursery?

I can see why they wouldn't let him just sit down and wee on the floor if it was obvious he had to go at carpet time, it isn't pleasant for the other children. They would know and care at 3/4.

When did you start toilet training?

I think you should put him back in nappies and forget about it for a month or so. He's only three, it's early for a boy. I trained when DS was 3.1 and then only because HE told ME he wanted to. (We had lots of discussions in advance and a little bit of practice on the potty, but with no expectation) He still had accidents for months and most of his peers trained at around 3.5. I only know one boy that trained fully before 3 and he wasn't dry at night for years after that.
Relax. I predict that he'll be ready within a month. You said he had NO awareness two weeks ago, so he probably has a way to go yet.

However, if the pre-school are to support you when you get to that stage, they will need to ask him regularly and help him go, not suggest pull-ups again.

My DDs weren't allowed to start at the nursery attached to the school until they were toilet trained.

It sounds like they don't mind the odd accident but this has just been too much and hence they want him in pull-ups. You are lucky that this is an option.

Are you in the uk? Because in my local authority we have to take them trained or not because it's a legal right of the child to education in pre school. It's not for long they go either is it?

Agree with preschool needing to support you, mine were both trained at 2 one before starting nursery one in the first half term, so staff were used to younger children and then were great at reminders, which meant it was a success. It might be lack of consistent reminders (nursery is fun they get distracted) thatus sabotaging your attempts

OldGrey - this is not a school exam. I'm delighted that you've clearly had a good education, but to pull up other people on their writing skills in such a direct way is rude and uncalled for.

It depends really. If he's genuinely making progress then keep him in pants if not I'd go back to pull ups for a bit and then try again later.

Would a compromise be washable training pants? Mothercare sell them and they look and work more like normal pants (so he'd be able to pull up and down easily and feel wet straightaway) but they would hold a small wee without everything being soaked. I actually think they're really good and a good interim step if he's starting to get the idea but still missing more often than not.

Sorry I should have added, it's a bit different where we are because we are a forces family living overseas within a small british community, so the school nursery is the only option and they are generally meant to be a bit more tolerant regarding toileting accidents than perhaps other schools would be. It's also a very small class with three members of staff so they aren't overrun, but I have said that I'm happy to come in and sort out accidents/take him to the toilet if it gets too much which I would rather do than put him in nappies again. I wouldn't have a problem with the pullups but he just does use them like a nappy and I think it would confuse him, and he also likes wearing his 'big boy' pants and I think it would be a shame to put him back into a pullup after I've spent the past week telling him how well he's doing and how clever he is! He's a sensitive little boy and I think he does take things to heart so I get a bit overly sensitive on his behalf sometimes!

I think its sounds as though its a little too early for your DS. I'm no expert but in my experience, my kids were 'trained' within a week because they were ready to do it. I may be wrong but persevering when they're not ready just leads to a lot of upset for all involved.

Good luck

She isn't "lucky" that sending him in pull ups is an option. It is a legal requirement for state school nurseries and preschools to accept children even if they aren't toilet trained or if they have regular accidents.

If he is still having lots of accidents maybe he isn't really ready to be in pants full time. Is he upset when he has an accident or does it not really bother them? Have you heard of those little pads you can put in their pants to make it easier to change them if they have a small accident? They are called Dry Like Me and you can get them in Asda and Sainsburys, I think. Maybe that would help?

If they knew he needed a wee at carpet time why not take/send him?

Oldgrey - if you don't have anything nice to say.......

Op - I think they are missing the bigger picture, do they want him starting school still in nappies in case of an accident?

I think you are caught between a rock and hard place. Changing nursery is a bit drastic. Your son would miss his friends.

Its understandable that the school nursery cannot cope with toilet training. They have one teacher and a TA to 30 children (ie 1 adult to 15 kids). A private pre school has a ratio of 1 to 8.

I think your health visitor is right that putting him back into pull ups will send him a negative signal. The only other alternative I can think of is cloth trainer pants. He would feel the wetness and the school would not have to clear up puddles.

In my experience a lot of training pants leak (ie bambino mio or bright bot) or they feel like a nappy. I found the Imse Visme training pants to be best for pre school.

www.screaminggreen.co.uk/Shop/Imse-Vimse-Organic-Cotton-Trainer-Pants

You could also consider putting him in pants with a pull up over the top and ask them to keep reminding/taking him to the toilet. If they saw he needed to do a wee, could thy not persuade him to go to the toilet, is he reluctant to use the toilets at nursery?

formerdiva I found it hard to read to do not think picking up on grammar just a lot of writing !!

You could also consider putting him in pants with a pull up over the top and ask them to keep reminding/taking him to the toilet. If they saw he needed to do a wee, could thy not persuade him to go to the toilet, is he reluctant to use the toilets at nursery?

The school suggested the HV, HV has said not to go back to pull ups. Try telling the school that you have followed their advice and that in turn this is the medically endorsed advice which, in DS's interests, you all now need to follow.

Add that you will be happy to consent to your DS seeing another medical practitioner if the nursery wish to arrange this. But you are grateful they suggested seeking a medical opinion in the first place, you are happy with the advice as it stands, and unless the medical advice is changed it is abundantly clear it must be followed.

Sorry, posted twice by mistake.

Could you stay at pre school as a helper for a few weeks? Most pre schools let parents stay whenever they want.

Most school nurseries don't let a child start until they are toilet trained. So I would put him back into pull ups for preschool days.