to think school are overreacting a bit regarding my ds and his toilet training?

[Dazedandalittleconfused]

So basically, my ds is 3 and attends the pre school attached to the local primary. He started in January when he had just turned 3 and was in pullups but we changed him to pants in the half term as we were getting nowhere with toilet training him whilst he was wearing the pullups. The first couple of weeks were a bit of a nightmare, pretty much no progress in half term and lots of wet pants the first week he started back. The school suggested we talk to the health visitor who also spoke to them, and suggested that we take a relaxed attitude to accidents both at home and school as she thought the lack of progress might have been down to him feeling pressurised, so thats what we did and he has come on a lot. He has been going to the toilet at home, telling us more when he needs a wee and usually managing several successes during the day (not for number 2s, but for the minute I am concentrating on getting him dry, all the while scraping out poo from his pants daily whilst smiling through gritted teeth!) so all of this is great in comparison to two weeks ago when he seemingly had no awareness of needing a wee. Now at school he had-at the start of the week- been staying dry all morning, and not actually going to the toilet during the morning session but letting me take him for a wee before we left the school, however yesterday he had one accident and today two accidents, and before I left the school told me that I may need to put him back in pullups for the pre school session. I think that this would be a huge setback for him and had previously been advised by the HV not to put him back into nappies, so I'm bit upset at this as I think he's doing so much better than he was in general. I have offered to stay nearby and come in to change him if it gets too much but the teacher just said we'll have to see how it goes. I just feel that they are making a bigger deal out of this than it is and really don't want him back in nappies! And feel sorry for ds as I think they are still pressurising him at school about it all (he wasn't aloud to sit with the other children during carpet time today as they could see he needed a wee and didn't want him to have another accident there- I do understand that it's not easy for teachers but can't help feeling sorry for my poor boy!)

If I was running Ofsted, any nursery that didn't want to deal with toilet/nappy issues for 2-4 year olds and insists they are trained would be automatically deemed unsatisfactory.

A nursery, preschool or school can Not insist a child has to be toilet trained. If anybodies' nursery says otherwise, contact ofsted and they will change their minds immediately.

He's only little! It can take ages (for boys in particular) to get this right and your nursery/pre-school know this (and are trained and prepared for it). Your son is bound to have accidents. My son is 3.5 and although we were initially successful with toilet training (months ago!), he seems to have relapsed a bit - he's worse when he's at preschool, particularl with pooing; I think this is because there are so many distractions. At home he's good except when he's completely involved in a book or game.

Putting your son back in pullups is not a good idea as he may be confused and will just think it's "permission" to wee without going to the loo. I tried this with my son and it definitely did not work and he would start asking me whether he was wearing pullups or big boy pants (as he knew he could wee in the pullups!).

The main thing is for your son to have positive reinforcement - to be presented with a stressed or annoyed adult (even slightly annoyed) when he wets himself (or is about to do so) will make matters worse as he will see weeing as a negative event. Dr Tanya Byron (childcare expert) suggests that if he's wet himself, just take him to clean up without any comment (nothing at all - just stay silent), then when he does wee in the toilet, shower him with praise, stickers, do a special wee song and dance - anything that makes him feel special.

One of my son's preschool workers is good at spotting when he needs to go - she rushes over and says that she needs a wee and can he take her to the loo? Once there, he goes to the loo. This seems to work really well and keeps the whole experience positive and a bit of fun.

You are not being unreasonable - I do hope your preschool will relax about this - if they're uptight it will make him associate weeing with upsetting someone and he will try holding it in, then it will be too late and he'll wet himself - vicious circle. Perhaps they could nominate one (sympathetic) preschool worker to particularly keep an eye out for him?

Also bear in mind, it's not as uncommon as you think for kids still to be having little accidents aged 6 or more!