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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want ds (2) to go on a helicoptor ride without me.

69 replies

fullofregrets · 02/03/2012 08:47

Our niece gets married in a couple of months and mil told me yesterday that she is having a helicopter ride from the church to the reception. Apparently the ride is about half an hour as they fly around a bit.
My Mil and fil are paying for it and want to go in it too. Mil also wants DS to go. I am not keen, am I being pfb? He won't quite be three. It isn't just that I'm irrationally worried about the safety (although the ridiculous part of my brain is worried!), it is more that I think DS is likely to get upset when he realises that neither DH or me are going with him. I have visions of him getting upset and crying for the entire time, which won't be nice for him or the newly-weds.

Mil got quite off with me when I said I wasn't sure but DS is quite a wary little person and I'm not sure I'd want him to go even if I was going too as I think he might be scared.

AIBU?

OP posts:

lesley33 · 02/03/2012 08:50

Sorry I think YABU. Take him to the helicopter ride and tell him you are not going. If on the day he doesn't want to go or gets scared, then he doesn't go. tbh the scariest part of the helicopter ride is getting in the helicopter as it is so loud. This is when I think he would be most likely to cry. And if he does, then fine he doesn't go.

Portofino · 02/03/2012 08:53

YANBU - it is quite unnecessary. Mind you, you would not get ME in a helicopter unless my life depended upon it. No way would dd be going!

Likesshinythings · 02/03/2012 08:57

Yanbu, my DS is pretty fearless but I'm sure he'd have a hairy fit if he was piled into a helicopter and whisked away from his parents (and he is almost 4). Maybe suggest you should go along too.....!

lesley33 · 02/03/2012 08:58

You see porto I have been in a helicopter. And I think the OP is imagining her DS getting into the helicopter withy MIL and FIL and beinga ll happy and then only after it takes off realising that mum isn't there and starting to cry.

The reality is that they will alla pproach this big loud noisy scary looking helicopter - and it is close up. The pilot will guide them a certain way into the helicopter and everyone will climb in. Everyone will put on earphones to drown out the noise and listen to the pilot. Everyone will put on seatbelts and pilot will check everyone is okay and then take off.

This is all very noisy and scary. If OP's DS is fine with this, then he is a confident quite adventurous child and imo will be fine with the flight. If not, then he will be upset and he wopn't be on the flight.

And after all thsi initial bit, the helicopter takes off, it all gets much quietier and gentler and there is some nice scenery to look at. The getting into the helicopter and preparing for take off really is by far the worst bit.

AnaisB · 02/03/2012 08:59

I'd pre-warn your niece and ILs that he might be too nervous to go an see how it goes on the day. (Having explained to him about the helicopter ride beforehand).

Partly it depends on your DS' relationship with the people in the helicopter. Some family members have a really close bond with DD and I feel confident that she would feel comfortable and confident with them, but others have had less contact with her and she is not quite as comforted by their presence.

Firawla · 02/03/2012 08:59

yanbu he's very young, i wouldn't allow mine in a helicopter without me either. i do think it could be quite scary for him as helicopters are so loud

TroublesomeEx · 02/03/2012 09:00

YANBU. I wouldn't like this either.

Some people will say YABU, and that's fine, if they ever find themselves in your position, they can agree to it.

You aren't happy about it, and he is your child. Your MIL can ask, that's fine. She can even be a bit upset when you say no, but she can't demand it.

Don't ever be pushed into agreeing to something for your child if you are concerned about it (unless it is a perfectly everyday occurrence like going on a school trip!).

I took my DS on a plane when he was 4. I'm not scared of flying so hadn't projected anything onto him, yet on the ascent, I realised we were both gripping each others hand white knuckle style. And yet he still didn't feel scared.

DoMeDon · 02/03/2012 09:00

YABU - he will always be a lttle wary person if he doesn't get the opportunity to experience things without you. Being over protective damages DC self esteem as they learn to not trust themselves. Ask him if he'd like to go on a ride without you, explain again on the day and if he doesn't want to do it he doesn't have to. MIL was probably a bit sniffy as she thought it was a great idea and fun for DGS. In effect you've p'd on her chips - she'll just have to get over it if he really doesn't want to go himself.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2012 09:03

Safety isn't an issue. The pilot is in charge and knows what he/she is doing.

I agree to not make it an issue now, but see how he is on the day. If he is to upset, the pilot may refuse to allow him to go, if you are there to take him off MIL, as it is a pleasure trip.

There will have to be an adult to take charge of him, because of his age and he will have to follow the rules about being strapped in etc, otherwise the pilot won't allow it.

So it might not happen.

Original poster

fullofregrets · 02/03/2012 09:04

I suppose I just think why risk it? Why risk him being upset or plummeting from the sky. Which I know is very very unlikely but still...
DS has seen helicopters before as my dad flies light aircraft. He wasn't keen but that was about six months ago. The trouble is I know if I say we will see on the day mil will take it as a yes and will try and force encourage DS to go so am tempted to say no from the beginning. I just wondered if I was being pfb and denying DS an experience!

OP posts:

OurPlanetNeptune · 02/03/2012 09:08

We travel in a helicopters quite a bit and I can tell you from experience that if it his first time he will probably want to have his mum or dad with him. We allow our sons to fly after the age of 3. I have to say they are all pretty good about these things but even they got very nervous the first couple of times. I have never allowed them on when neither my husband or I are on AND I know each pilot extremely well and confident of his skills and no 'tricks' are permitted.

Having said all that if you are confident about who they are flying with and you are happy that the other passengers will be able to reassure him should he get nervous then I think it could be a wonderful opportunity for him.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 02/03/2012 09:09

I understand where you're coming from - I like the idea of a little one having the experience of flying in a helicopter more so than the reality of it (as others have said, the noise, preparing to take off etc.).

So I think he may be a tad too young just yet to enjoy it for what it is. I think what would be a thrill for kids a bit older might be a bit overwhelming still for a 3 year old?

DoMeDon · 02/03/2012 09:09

So would it be better if you flew and crashed together!?! There's no real value in the what if he crashes thought. No need for unnecessary risks but helicopter ride is up there with fire engine, space rocket, excitement type rides that my 2yo DD would love to do. A lot changes in 6 months. Can you not say to MIL that it is a see on the day but she must not try to force him if he's scared? Be direct.

lesley33 · 02/03/2012 09:10

TBH I have a different attitude to - "why risk him being upset". Your child, so of course it is up to you.

Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with a child or adult being upset for a short amount of time as they try a new experience they don't like. I am NOT suggesting him beiung upset for half an hour is fine. But having been in a helicopter I think the most upsetting and scary bit is before the helicopter gtets into the air.

So I would think let him try getting into the helicopter and if he doesn't like it then fine he doesn't go. If he cries for a few minutes because it is too loud for example I wouldn't see that as a big deal.

Inj terms of MIL, most people need to be encouraged to try new experiences, so gentle encouragement in my book is fine. So it really depends how much MIL might try and persuade him.

tbh as well - I don't know you so maybe this doesn't apply to you - but sometimes I have seen parents worrying how their young child will cope with something while the child in question is super confident and everyone else rightly, thinks the child will be just fine. I guess it is natural to be worried about your own young child, but sometimes I think others close to our child can see their real abilities to cope better than we can as parents.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2012 09:11

But it won't be upto your MIL, the pilot won't push your DS into going.

Given your DS's age you can make that decision on the day, he won't fully understand if you try to explain it to him beforehand.

You can create a fear of a situation, if you push a child to much, to young. However taking risks around the age of 3, does build confidence. It depends on whether he is nearly three or just turned 2.

OurPlanetNeptune · 02/03/2012 09:11

oh and we would never fly with amateur pilots. The pilot's primary job must be flying in the helicopter.

MrsEricBana · 02/03/2012 09:21

I think yadnbu. I would not agree to it either, for the upset reasons you are worried about (a real risk) but also because I am terrified about flying and would not want to risk my lo going off without me. 3 or 4 years ago at an airshow dh took ds and dd on a helicopter flight out over the countryside and the estuary and back, piloted by an ex-RAF man, carefully managed etc and I agreed to them going as I didn't want my fears to constrain their lives, they loved it, all fine BUT as they flew off over the trees I though omg my whole life is in that helicopter and just shook till they got back and still can't quite believe I agreed to it. (Though perhaps I am mad as all fine, risks tiny etc).

tardisjumper · 02/03/2012 09:24

What do the bride and groom want? If I were the bride and I was being given this massively self interested by PILs and then had to share it with them and a screaming relative I would be majorly pissed off. Are the other set of parents going? Why is your son invited if not?

YouOldSlag · 02/03/2012 09:25

YANBU in so far as it's your son, your decision. The MIL being miffed bit would really piss me off.

However, I would be sweetness and light until the day and let your DS see the helicopter up close in all its deafening glory. Chances are he won't want to go near it, but you have at least given him the choice. If he does want to go, then I am sure you can rest assured that safety procedures would be robust and thorough.

I am all for giving my kids new experiences but people deciding stuff like this for me, like your MIL is doing would really get my back up.

On a personal note, I can't imagine either of my DSs wanting to do this at that age.

wildstrawberryplace · 02/03/2012 09:28

YANBU - If you don't feel comfortable with it then just tell them no and they can suck it up. There will be plenty of other less pressured opportunities for you to teach your DS not to fear stuff that you yourself might be wary of.

PatriciaHolm · 02/03/2012 09:40

I would do as the others have suggested, and see on the day if you can. My DS would have screamed his head off at that at just 3, especially without me, though he went in one happily with us all in St Lucia at just 5.

GiserableMitt · 02/03/2012 10:12

It's entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

Personally I wouldn't allow it. I used to travel in helicopters quite a bit for work and hated it, I was terrified. Two weeks after I stopped work I lost two friends in a work-related helicopter crash.
Had it not been for the above I might feel different but if something makes you uncomfortable about it then your in-laws have to respect that.

minceorotherwise · 02/03/2012 10:21

There is absolutely no way on this earth I would let my DS go!!
You sound like you don't want him to either.
He's your son, your decision.
MIL will just have to suck it up. Do not let her coerce you into doing something you are not comfortable with.
You have to stand up for your own decision, particularly regarding your children.
It is not her decision to make and she may as well get used to that.
Quite apart from the fact it's already ruining what should be a nice day

lesley33 · 02/03/2012 10:22

I don't really get this...I am scared of something, so I won't let my kids do it.

Yes things have to be safe. But for example, I hate scary fairground rides...being persuaded onto a few of them and I find them very scary. I wouldn't let my kids go on a scary fairground ride in a poorly maintained dodgy looking fairground say abroad. But if in uk in proper fairground, then yes I would let them go whatever their age, as long as they met height requirements, etc.

Yes sometimes, especially when young they would misjudge it and hate and be scared on a ride. But you know, it wasn't the end of the world. They learned more about what they liked and didn't. And yes especially when they were much younger it would be scary seeing them on a fast ride without me. But that was my issue and I didn't think it was fair to put that onto them.

diddl · 02/03/2012 10:30

I wouldn´t want mine to do it without either parent at that age.

In fact I think I´d say no on the grounds that it just seems pointless.

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