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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want ds (2) to go on a helicoptor ride without me.

69 replies

fullofregrets · 02/03/2012 08:47

Our niece gets married in a couple of months and mil told me yesterday that she is having a helicopter ride from the church to the reception. Apparently the ride is about half an hour as they fly around a bit.
My Mil and fil are paying for it and want to go in it too. Mil also wants DS to go. I am not keen, am I being pfb? He won't quite be three. It isn't just that I'm irrationally worried about the safety (although the ridiculous part of my brain is worried!), it is more that I think DS is likely to get upset when he realises that neither DH or me are going with him. I have visions of him getting upset and crying for the entire time, which won't be nice for him or the newly-weds.

Mil got quite off with me when I said I wasn't sure but DS is quite a wary little person and I'm not sure I'd want him to go even if I was going too as I think he might be scared.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Thatisnotitatall · 02/03/2012 13:32

Lequeen the reason not remembering is relevant is that there is no point forcing the issue as it is not something he is likely to remember and is as likely to be scared by as thrilled by. Not sending the child on a helicopter ride is in no way equivalent to keeping him in a darkened room

LeBOF · 02/03/2012 13:33

No, he's too young. Kids that age are terrible whingers- nothing to do with how you are with them, it's just their developmental stage- and he won't even remember it when he's older. The bride and groom will probably be overlooked in favour of soothing the small toddler, and it will be stressful all round.

I'd say different if he was a bit older and unlikely to cry away from his mum and dad, but in these circumstances, no.

CornflowerB · 02/03/2012 13:33

Surely the bride and groom should be on their own, as someone pointed out upthread? I would definitely canvass their opinion. There is a high likelihood of an important part of their wedding day being ruined by a screaming two year old and an interfering old bat This is not for the child's benefit - he won't remember and children don't really 'do' scenery anyway. If he was a six year old he'd probably love it - completely different situtation. This is all about MIL and I agree that you need to put your foot down now. You (or really your DH) need to make it clear that you do not feel this appropriate for your child at this age and make that the end of the conversation. And maybe point out to her that she shouldn't be goosberrying on the newly weds either

Original poster

fullofregrets · 02/03/2012 13:35

No, it isn't a thinly disguised attempt to be mean to mil, I wouldn't want him to go whoever was taking him. At the moment I wouldn't want to take him with me and DH. I still think he is very little and trust me, there is no way the ear defenders will stay on as he won't wear anything on his head, even bob builder hat etc. He also does not like being confined or strapped in, sometimes even in the car.
However maybe I will see what ds wants to do on the day but will have to make sure mil doesn't try and force him. That is what annoys me, that she will try and make him for her own gain. She has done similar things (although not involving helicopters!) previously.

OP posts:

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 02/03/2012 13:36

'Mil and fil are paying for helicopter so their attitude, as usual, is if they have paid then what they says goes'

Smile and say no. Sounds like it might be a useful skill to develop if that's the way they are. No harm in making it clear to them that when it comes to your DS, what you say goes :)

Original poster

fullofregrets · 02/03/2012 13:39

And also I'm not scared of flying myself. I think if DS was a bit older and understood the importance of staying seated (and could actually stay still for longer than five minutes!) I would say yes. It's just 2 seems so little and I keep imagining him starting to cry as he is taking off and I won't be able to do anything about it.

OP posts:

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 02/03/2012 13:41

If MIL is the type to try and steamroller what SHE wants on the day, DON'T 'see what he wants on the day' - because what will happen is that MIL will insist that he will LOVE it and cause a mini pushy scene, you will give in to avoid an argument on a wedding day, you will be seething, and MIL will hve learned that she can get her way with your DS if she puts you on the spot.

Say no now and lay down a boundary or two.

They sound a bit grim btw - I'm sure the bride and groom would much rather it were just them for their special heli ride, not them plus inlaws pushing their way in. Bit of a crap thing to do tbh.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 02/03/2012 13:42

Plus, what is MOST likely to happen is that your two-year-old WILL say yes yes yes please, get in, get strapped, start to fidget, the heli will start and he will burst into tears and want out. And as you say, i'll be too late. No!

Thatisnotitatall · 02/03/2012 13:43

YANBU, just say no now, don't leave it to be decided on the day or the issue might be forced by the sound of it, making it more of a full on confrontation to say no when you can see he doesn't want to go but MIL is all bustle telling you you are being silly.

diddl · 02/03/2012 13:43

Well, as said-wonder what the couple think?

It´s supposed to be just them, isn´t it?

I know I loved that time together.

GrahamTribe · 02/03/2012 13:44

I found myself trying to hit a "like" button there LeQueen. This family has been in helicopters often too, we're fortunate to have a close friend who's a pilot, and I'm perfectly happy to recommend the experience to those of all ages. Those who are using the "Yes but he won't remember it" argument can have that turned the other way. If he won't remember any fun he has he won't remember any temporary fear so there's no chance of being scarred for life! Anyway, you could say that of any infant experience but that argument only serves to make me wonder why you take your kids anywhere at all until they're of school age then.

LeQueen · 02/03/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

fullofregrets · 02/03/2012 13:50

theCrunch you seem to know my mil well. :)

I have just mentioned it to DH and he isn't keen either so perhaps I will ask him to tell his parents that we feel DS is a bit too young. Probably better coming from him.
As an aside (sorry am drip feeding which is one of the AIBU sins) pil offered to pay for something for our wedding and then changed it all without consulting us. When confronted they said 'well, we paid.'
I am of the opinion that if you are doing something as a gift for someone's wedding day then it should be up to the bridal couple what they do with it. Surely the point is that you are doing something nice for the new couple not trying to take over. Anyway. That's another story.

OP posts:

zipzap · 02/03/2012 13:52

I wouldn't want dc to go in a helicopter at 33 let alone 3 :o but that's probably because I hate flying and still worry when anyone I know flys.

Yadnbu. I would speak to the bride and groom and get their take on it too - they might be feeling obliged to take PIL even though they would like some together time. Then when you talk to PIL again you can say that the happy couple were really looking forward to their romantic treat and you really didn't think it was fair to let a 3 yr old intrude on that special time. And them start to reminisce fondly about how you and dh loved that special time together when in the middle of a hectic day you caught up with each other alone... And the act surprised and say you're surprised they are going with them, thought if they wanted to do it all together as a family trip it would be better to do it on a different day. Or suggest that it would be much better for the newlyweds if the other parents went if there was space for some grown up bonding time...

Original poster

fullofregrets · 02/03/2012 13:53

Not at all lequeen believe me I do encourage DS to do things but only when he is comfortable. For example we have been to forest school building fires. The first week DS would not go near the fire. He didn't cry but was cautious. I left him to it and this week he did cooking on it. But I know if I had tried to force him that first week he would have become upset.

He won't have chance to get used to the helicopter. Even if I talk it through with him he won't appreciate it until he sees it.

OP posts:

Kennyp · 02/03/2012 13:58

I would categorically not be letting my children go in a helicopter, ditto motorbkke.

You are nt bejng unreasonable.

Imagine its the day after the wedding. You all had a great time at the weddng and everything was dandy and you stuck to your guns about NOT letting your son go in a helicopter so you are probably in a bloody BRILLIANT mood. . Imagine how you would feel on the day if you did let him go in it etc.

imogengladheart · 02/03/2012 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 02/03/2012 14:02

Well. Your MIL sounds a bit like my mum, see. Who is lovely... But all I know is that once my SIL got better at giving a steely smile and saying 'Sorry but the answer is definitely NO' then things improved no end and my mum settled down into grandma role. It's as if she didn't actually know how to not take over if the topic was 'baby'. She had to be shown and told and it hammered home that she wasn't in the mothering role for this baby. In fact my mum is now oddly proud of the fact that her granddaughter has a 'tough' no-nonsense mummy. Strange.

Agree that of course encouraging them to be bold is essential and that there's nothing intrinsically wrong with a heli trip - more replying here on the issue of tug-of-war between what mummy wants and what granny wants. The recipe for success is that mummy gets the final say!

argghh · 02/03/2012 18:56

Why is everyone bundling in with the poor bride and groom, cant they have this half our to themsleves?

I think you MIL is being ABVVU

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