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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mate is spoiling our night out?

84 replies

OffMilk · 01/03/2012 22:56

My friends and I have a night out planned for next weekend. It's a big celebration and quite a few of us going. The idea was we'd start off with a few local drinks and then head into the city centre. Bit of a piss up yes but it's a rare thing and we've all been working really hard and are all looking forward to the opportunity to just let our hair down. I have booked my hair in for the day and bought a new dress and everything.
One of our friends doesn't drink for religious reasons however but still wants to be involved in the meet up so she's insisting that we all gather at a local Hookah bar and smoke this weird shit from a bong BEFORE our night out. This concerns me because a) I don't want to stink before we even go out. Especially when I've just had my hair done and b) I don't want to waste money doing this hippy shit when I could be spending it later on enjoying myself. Apart from this I don't want to do the smoking thing (Call me old fashioned but I value my lungs) and so would just be sat there watching the clock tick by.
By not doing this however I am effectively excluding her from the meet up.

I just want to go out for drinks like planned! AIBU??

OP posts:

Original poster

OffMilk · 01/03/2012 23:31

no not 20 minutes, she said we'd be in there "a couple of hours". We're not even going out until gone 8. That's a big chunk out of the night.

OP posts:

PurpleRomanesco · 01/03/2012 23:32

Ok OP, You're right. She's awful.

Happy?

DoingHouseworkHonest · 01/03/2012 23:33

What BabyDubsEverywhere said.
" She doesnt want to drink so cant come to a bar....where she wouldnt actually have to drink.You dont smoke but she wants you to go to a bar where you would have to breathe in others smoke (herbal steam or whatever) without even doing it yourself."
That.
If you don't drink, then you don't drink. You can quite easily go to a bar and drink mineral water, Diet Coke, soda water and lime, whatever.
If you're a non smoker and cannot stand the smell of smoke, why would you even want to go to a bar full of smoke?
Whether it's a bar full of tobacco smoke, herbal steam water, fruit flavoured smelling smoke, or steam puffed from the lungs of angels, you're still going to come out stinking to high heaven to anyone who has never set foot in the place and are just in normal pubs, bars and clubs.
Sounds disgusting (and smelly.)
If it was me, I'd just join in afterwards when they've all left Bar Stinky.

Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2012 23:35

Go with what the majority want to do, she can arrange her night out another time.

You are quite within your right not to want to spent a couple of hours smoking, your not 12, you don't have to give into peer pressure, regardless of how popular this is becoming.

If drinking is your thing and not hers then she has the choice not to go.

Coffee cake and smoking can be done anytime, a good night out on the ale, carn't.

Lueji · 01/03/2012 23:38

It's always difficult to accommodate people when they have different tastes and beliefs.

She may be a little pushy and self centred, but you seem to be too.
Do I detect some competition going on?

Could you explain your feelings to this friend and offer a compromise that you all can be happy with?

TheCraicDealer · 01/03/2012 23:40

I see where OP is coming from- people changing plans like this is incredibly annoying, especially when you've gone to the effort of finding a date, time and venue that suits everyone, booking stuff, etc. Then suddenly someone pops up and says, "hey let's spend a few hours of our night smoking shisha", or something equally random. It's so arrogant to just assume that people will be willing to change their plans on your whim. Like I said, if she really thought that going to a shisha bar was something her friends would really enjoy, she should've organised it off her own bat for another time.

I've smoked shisha, did frig all for me. But the place was BYO, so look into that OP. Might be a silver lining!

squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 23:44

As it is illegal to smoke tobacco indoors in the UK, in a public place, there will be no tobacco in the pipes.

They actually look like a good laugh.. I would try it before slating it.

my2centsis · 01/03/2012 23:45

Why can't you go out at 7 stay till 8 then carry on your night?

At the end of the day if you were a good friend you would not want her to feel left out so would give her an hour of your time. I I

You have had opinions but only seem to be interested in the ones that agree with you.

No doubt u will not go, she will be hurt but she will have to get over it. The end

aurynne · 01/03/2012 23:46

I would actually see it as a way to learn more about your friend's culture and do a fun new thing before actually going out. You can just try it, and if you don't like it, you don't have to "keep doing it". And while you're all sitting there, you can... you know... chat with everyone else? You don't need to be pissed to have a fun night, talk with your friends and enjoy the company.

bramblina · 01/03/2012 23:47

Why was she invited? It's perhaps better not to invite her to evenings out which you all know she doesn't like? Maybe she'll invite you all to one of her nights out, to which you could all decline.

Or accept and then try to change?!

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 01/03/2012 23:47

Was it you that posted about your muslim friend being a bit evangelical or whatever the Islamic equivalent is recently?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 02/03/2012 00:00

You sound horrible.

This place doesn't sound any different to most bars, the only difference is that they offer pipes. Which dont stink.

You are ignorant and incredibly closed minded.

It sounds like some of your friends do want to go. I think you are probably misguided that no one wants to go, I expect some of them are just saying that to you because you are bitching about it.

Also, if one night out means so much to you that you need a trip to the hairdressers, a new dress and can't possibly contemplate deviating from the bog standard plan of local pubs then into town, you may like to consider getting yourself a life.

BuzNuz · 02/03/2012 00:18

hmmmm,

Trying to stir up trouble aren't you OffMilk! Oh the trials and tribulations of integration and assimilation!!!

Oh, and i do not find the need to call you old fashioned, as quite clearly you are not a lady who values her liver either!

The choice is yours, kill your lungs or kill your liver!!!

Such a BIG celebration and yet a sheesha bar will mean that nobody will turn up to the celebration that you are getting your hair done for! If you really do want to let your hair down, just go with the flow - be it alcohol or water pipes!

Please do not throw 'thinly 'veiled' anti-muslim sentiments on here as most MNetters are bored by it now!!

MissTapestry · 02/03/2012 06:10

I can recommend cherry or cola flavours if you do get your head out of your own arse and give it a try

NeverEverSometimes · 02/03/2012 06:20

YANBU, because of a friend trying to change arrangements to suit herself not because of the shisha.

If a night has been agreed on, you all go along with it or don't go. I have a friend who is always trying to change venue and time to suit her and it's incredibly irritating.

If something has been arranged and it's not my bag, i just say 'Sorry, not something i'm into but i'll catch you next time'. Tis easy.

redyam · 02/03/2012 06:23

So you value your lungs, but not your liver? You don't want to stink of smoke, but you are apply to stink of alcohol?

NeverEverSometimes · 02/03/2012 06:37

Oh come on. One glass of wine doesn't stink as much as one cigarette and i say that as a part time smoker and a part time drinker. Smoke, by it's definition permeates everything, alcohol, especially in moderation, is on the breath only.

However, i think the slant of some posters is now that smoking is a 'cultural' issue, which is just utterly ridiculous. You are either anti smoking or not.

marmiteandjam · 02/03/2012 07:50

YANBU, you had your plans in place first. Just because she has suggested an alternative doesn't mean that you all meekly have to go ahead and do it just so she isn't offended. She know's she is welcome to come and not drink and it's her choice if she doesn't want to. Are you getting ready and having drinks at someone's house prior to going out? If so, maybe she could come then. Personally, this is always my favourite part of the night as it's really relaxed, we have music on and we can chat easily.

GavisconJunkie · 02/03/2012 07:56

YANBU re her attitude, but you don't really sound like a 'friend' of hers. I'm guessing she's just part of the wider group.

Stoatie already said it, sheesha can be very harmful. Don't be naive. I think go with the majority.

But it's harder not to inhale smoke in a sheesha bar than not drink alcohol in a pub.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 02/03/2012 08:09

Maybe your "friend" just innocently thought u all might find it fun, ir might not be a deliberate sabotage of your night out.

Are you the type of person who can't tolerate and cope with change in life? You seem to be reacting quite dramatically. I don't see how the group splitting and all meeting up later would be the end of the world. You said you would all end up in different places and times? Surely use of mobile phones would sort that problem out?

I think splitting and meeting later is the best idea. You don't have to be near smoke, she doesn't have to be near drink. If you went to shisha lounge begrudgingly you would probably use it as "bitching ammunition" against your friend forever more!

I recommend a book called 'don't sweat the small stuff' there is a quote that says "try being kind instead of being right!"

iscream · 02/03/2012 08:39

Yanbu. She was invited to go out drinking...she either accepts or doesn't. She sounds like a jerk to me.

iscream · 02/03/2012 08:44

Reminds me of when I invited a few people over to watch a film, (this was years ago) and 2 who came were mad that we watched the film. Because they didn't like that sort of film. Well, they knew what it was before they said yes. They flounced out!

NeldaAufwader · 02/03/2012 08:55

Shisha is more potent than cigarettes and it does contain tobacco. I'll need to dig the info out but I went on a Smoking Cessation trainers course and they discussed it there.

LydiaWickham · 02/03/2012 09:02

YANBU -how about, text round to everyone, "hi all, we are meeting at 8pm at X bar, some are going to Y smoky bar before hand, [difficult friend] has the details - assume those going are meeting there around 7pm [difficult friend] can confirm, we'll see you at 8 at X bar."

Other option is to talk to difficult friend, and say "look, that does sound fun, but logisitcally it's not going to work, can we do that as an evening in it's self rather than trying to do both? Perhaps next week?" (and then do it.)

I know people like this, they can't just say "No, I don't fancy doing that, have fun." then arrange something else themselves, they have to instead change the group arranged night out to suit them.

qazxc · 02/03/2012 09:03

YANBU. I don't drink but if you're going out in a group, majority rules. and if the night was planned ahead she just fall in with the rest of you imo. From her point of view she might want a bit of conversation before people get drunk and start having the same conversation over and over. but she should arrange it another time. i find going for a meal out is a good compromise as people can still drink if they choose to but don't get too drunk. When i suggest an evening bowling or any other non alcohol based evening with my mates they won't have it.

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