Is my nanny doing too much

[Mposh]

Sorry for such a tediously long post.

Our nanny has been with us for 4 months now. I originally advertised for a nanny/housekeeper. When she started she was doing so great over and above expectations, we gave her a very good bonus for xmas as well as some lovely xmas gifts as she spent xmas away from her family.

Over and above looking after DS1 who is 4 goes to nursery till 15h30, there is DS2 who just turned 2. I am also 8 months preggers. So we advertised for someone to look after 3 kids just so they are well prepared. We have a cleaner coming in once a week for about 4hrs.

The housekeeping duties for the nanny include :

• Making the kids beds and tidying room
• Folding kids laundry (I put it in myself, as they may not read washing instructions). Whatever needs ironing, the cleaner will do.
• Tidy up after kids
• Bath kids
• Cook simple dishes, if I don't. and supervise eating
• Put up blackout blinds in kids room
• Emptying the dishwasher (somehow, I hate this job myself, and always delegated it, previous AP did not mind as she never cooked, but ate and felt she could do this)
• Take out bin when full.

She did almost all this at the beginning and told me she was a good cook and offered to cook a few meals for us - which we told her were excellent. Though I cook most of the time, as I appreciated this to be an extra for her - though I did mention cooking in advert and JD. She no longer cooks. Always puts chips and nuggets in the oven cause the kids are refusing to eat veggies, even though I told her to put cheese, ketchup etc. in it just to get it down them. The other day I asked her to boil rice and make a pork for me as I had to urgently go to hospital with pregnancy issues ( and hit and run, another long story - it's not my month), and would not be able to cook. It was 16h00, but she said she did not want to burn the food as she has to look after DC at the same time and may burn the food - this was for her to cook for DC as well. Then yesterday she said she does not like cooking since she moved out of her parents house. WTF? She was cooking fine for the last 3 months, as she would give DC a task and cook while looking at them from the kitchen. I also have always been able to do the same. But I decided not to push this, as I would rather she looks after DC first.

For the past month she :

• Goes to the gym in the morning and comes back around 8h05. I had told her DS1 has to be up by 8 in order to prepare for school. Nowadays both kids get up at 7h00. So by the time she comes back from gym, the kids are dressed and eaten. She then leisurely takes a shower and takes DS1 to school. According to the JD, the job hours start at 7h30, even though DC were waking up later, but I said she may empty dishwasher at this time and make them breakfast, so it's ready when they do wake up. If she is fast, she could shower at this time and have breakfast her self. Our previous AP did that, or showered at night. She insists on gym in mornings rather than evening cause she says it gives her energy.
• Does not empty the dishwasher. But she has all the time between the 8h05 and 8h45 when DS goes to school. She then takes DS2 to babygroup/park/play directly, even though they start at 10h00/10h30 mostly, and have no real entrance time. To me she is avoiding the dishes so I have to take them out. She is not forgetting, cause she will put dishes in the sink when dw is full, even though I told her I hate a sink full of dishes like a student digs.
• She does not take out the children laundry and fold it. I have been helping her with this since the beginning, but now she leaves it completely.
• Does not make the childrens bed and take down blackout blinds. I have always helped with this too, but made it clear it's because she is getting used to kids routine.
• Does not tidy up after kids. Puzzles are all over the house as we speak. Also does not wipe after kids eat, so their table is always grotty. Also I clean up after bath, always have and did not mind.

While I was happy to help here and there, her heart is just not in it at the moment. I find her also very forgetful and does not listen to my instructions. Told her to always take her phone, oystercard and some cash with everytime she goes out as I may need to contact her, she may need to hurry home and take a bus (we buy her monthly buspass), or need to enter somewhere needing cash - which she takes from the kitty money. She always forgets these things -even though one of the presents for xmas was a handy small wallet to fit all this. A few days even forgetting the keys and had to get security to open. She then leaves lots of glasses and dishes all over the house, as she could not be arsed about taking away after drinking or eating. Other day DS2 unrolled toilet roll on the floor of bathroom, she could not even pick it up and put it next to the sink where there is lots of space.
At interview I said I was anal about keeping clean - am not really, just tidy, and she assured me she was too. A month in, her room looks like a bomb went off. I asked if she is happy here and with the work and also at home things are ok. She said all is well, and just blamed sloppiness on a cold/headache/ sickness etc. Now the cold season is over, I see no improvement. I wonder if someone advised her to just look after DC, not housework too.
I have already silently fumed and decided that if all she wants is to look after DC, I have to agree. But am upset, cause that was not the job I advertised - I said housekeeping too (which is not too much by my standards, as AP did all this, -but had 1 child to look after) and that is what I am paying for. Also quite annoying as am tired beyond belief with pregnancy, school search etc. at this stage.

Am having a 121 with her on Monday and I expect she will say the work is too much. She is generally a nice girl and gets along famously with DC, so don't really want to let her go. When AP left, friends recommended two girls, to temp with us while we were looking, who each stayed with us for 6 and 3 months respectively, before moving on (they were not real nannies). So don't really want to parade lots of nannies for the DCs.

Am SAHM for now, doing freelance now and again - less now with pregnancy, and always let the AP/ Nanny do as she pleases like an adult and not look over shoulder. Friend warned me that naturally if I am at home, the nanny will just decide to cut off some work for me to do, as it may look like I'm just on the computer all day. My sore back is preventing me from leaving the house all the time to some cafe, also they are not here most of the time anyway, so I get to get on with research then.

If I agree with job descrp. cut, can I then postpone DS2 entry to nursery which was supposed to be next term. I will look after DS3 for the first 8 months or so as he will be too small. I still will want a nanny to help with the other two , what with sleepless nights and all. Was hoping this one was a keeper, so I could look at changing careers, doing courses, but don't think that will happen.

Which battles to fight? and what should I let go?

The duties sound fine to me, given that you have a cleaner to do the more onerous housework. Given you are about to give birth and that she was a good performer initially I would go through all her duties in her 1 to 1 outlining exactly what you expect. Say you are unhappy with her performance and give her an informal warning to improve. Hopefully this will be the rocket she needs.

I think the fact that you are around most of the time at the moment is blurring the edges of her job - I think you need to redraw them clearly now.

Do as Ghoul says.

Sounds like she may be assuming you won't get rid of her so near new baby and is taking advantage.

Every mother should have a nanny and a cleaner imo.

I agree, Ghoul is wise

Job description sounds normal; nanny doesn't sound like she's performing properly. But I have been in the position of being at home and having a nanny, and it's an odd sort of relationship. Our nanny was fantastic when I worked outside the home, but things slid quite a bit when I was at home. I think partly she was leaving things for me because sometimes I'd do them out of habit, and she was keen not to tread on toes. And partly DS wanted me to do things for him, rather than having her do them, so she let me deal with him because it would have been awkward to have to drag him away from me. It was all a bit confused and difficult.

Don't write her off yet. Have an upfront chat, outline her job description again, and set a further review date - maybe 6 weeks and then another discussion re how things are going?

Sack her! I'd hire lots of help too if i could afford it :)

hex, you're being a twit.

mposh, i would gently ask her how things are, and hear what she has to say. then give your side. i do think you need to be open and honest because i can't see this working well when your no. 3 comes along. better that you get this sorted now, even if that means finding someone else, so that things are stable again when the baby arrives.

She's incredibly lazy and unless you're paying her minimum wage I think you should get rid - her job is piss easy - I'm the laziest fucker ever and your description is making me itch and want to come round and tidy up for you.

You could offer to take those duties out of her description for a pay cut and hire a part-time housekeeper? I would do this - then the lazy mare can either woman up and do HER JOB or move aside and let someone else have the hours.

i was a nanny for many years and the tasks you are asking her to do are the genral duties for a nanny .

You need to stick to your guns at the end of the day you are paying for a service

shes taking the piss, sack her and get another one with a work ethic

Is she a nanny/housekeeper or an au pair? Are you paying £100 a week or £400 (live in). If the latter, I'd get rid of her as she has a bad attitude and doesn't sound willing to change (assuming she has been with you for less than 1 year). if the former I would persevere and it may be a bit more about educating her to your way of doing things but it still doesn't sound like it is destined to be a long term relationship.

i replied on the nanny one, but she obv doesnt care/like her job and the fact she starts work 35mins late means she is also unreliable

get rid of

I think the nanny is overwhelmed by too many chores.

It seems from your list that the only housework you expect yourself to do, is putting the laundry on, and the nanny is expected to do everything else. Her working day should start 7.30 in the morning, when does it end? What breaks does she have?

What she instead does now is to stay away from breakfast time because she knows you CAN deal with your own kids between 7.30 and 8.05, as I bet she thinks that even when you work, you dont start work at 7.30.

Likewise, she is TELLING you she cant manage both, so she does not cook. She takes the easy option of nuggets and chips.

She is SHOWING you she is not coping, by leaving it untidy.

It seems to me you need to employ BOTH a nanny and a housekeeper, if you are to get complete satisfaction in the domestic department, unless you were willing to chip in and tidy some and cook a little yourself.

A friend of mine has a nanny, a gardener, a housekeeper/cook, in addition to the cleaner who comes every day from 9 til 12. She does not do anything in the house herself, aside from put the kettle on when I visit. The housekeeper or the nanny usually hovers in the background in case my friend needs something done. Like getting some cake out of the larder. The housekeeper/cook has usually cooked the dinner/supper before leaving work, if we are invited for a meal.

If this is the kind of lifestyle you aspire to, you need more staff!

i dont think she is given too many chores - i personally wouldnt do this job, but im a nanny - not a hk

but the op advertised for a nanny/hk

i have always said that i dont think its possible to get a good nanny/hk

you either get one that is fab with kids (like op seems to be) and crap with cleaning

or

fab at cleaning but no common sense with children

maybe get a cleaner in as well op

HEX - YABU

OP = YANBU

I would get a cleaner too.

I had a nanny that couldn't even put her own bloody dishes in the dishwasher after she had eaten my food, it drove me mental but she was great with the baby and that was my priority.

Sounds like she's miserable/bored/a bit lazy. It's really the welfare and happiness of your dcs which should count. Do they like her? Would they be better off with someone different?

IME my dcs love my nanny, and she loves them. Some days she'll do loads of stuff extra for me, other days, she'll read a magazine and watch Loose Women during their nap time (2 hours). She's human after all. I'd rather come home to see my dcs happy and playing in a sloppy house than miserable dcs in a clean and tidy one.

You're not happy with her performance. Fine. Maybe, just maybe, you could be brave, grit your teeth and empty that dishwasher yourself?

Just an idea..

The answer to your problem is you, OP. Read back the following statements, and the translation, if you need it:
o I put it in myself, as they may not read washing instructions (Translation: you don't trust her to do simple tasks and would rather do it yourself)
o "[She has to]... cook simple dishes, if I don't". ......."Though I cook most of the time, as I appreciated this to be an extra for her - though I did mention cooking in advert and JD." (Translation: you do it most of the time and see it as an extra. So she doesn't do it)
o "But I decided not to push this, as I would rather she looks after DC" first.... and later..." I wonder if someone advised her to just look after DC, not housework too." (I bet it she got that message from you, OP, either directly or indirectly)
o "by the time she comes back from gym, the kids are dressed and eaten" (Translation: She sees you doing it yourself and thinks, oh, she doesn't need me to do that as part of my duties)
o "I have already silently fumed and decided that if all she wants is to look after DC, I have to agree. But am upset" (Translation: you're passively aggressively trying to make her see something that you've not communicated all that well)

Better polish up those communication skills!

You made a deal. She is not keeping her end. I think what you are asking is r.
Less than a sahm does and you are paying her. Some people are lazy and you need to get a grafter in instead. She will possibly be like this whatever job she does. Loads of lazy people in the world.

I don't have a nanny (children are teenagers now) but I do have a full time housekeeper. She wouldn't dream of leaving any dirty stuff lying around and she always does jobs I ask her to do. I have no idea what her room looks like as I don't go in but I bet it is pristine.

Your nanny is behaving like a teenager not a professional. She is not ready to start at the appointed time and she isn't doing what you ask her to do. She forgets to take her phone and money when she goes out- that is completely not on when she is looking after a small child.

I would get rid and start again. Find someone more mature, qualified and with good references.

If she agreed to the original job description and is now not performing then you should definitely let her know that you are not happy - ideally sitting down with the original job description and going through it. I'd give her a chance to improve but the key thing for you is to get it sorted before your baby is born. It's the last thing you want to be worrying about when you have a newborn and two other kids under 5. I think a good nanny/housekeeper would have the initiative to help you out more when you are heavily pregnant/ have a newborn rather than less.

I am in a similar position to you - 3 DCs aged 3.5 yrs, 18 months and 4 weeks, work from home on our business and have a nanny a couple of days a week. In contrast to previous posters (and not that you should need to justify your position), I think people in our situation should get as much childcare/home help as they can afford to preserve sanity and reduce sleep deprivation! This is especially the case if you have little or no family support.