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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take 3 under 3 to my great-grandads funeral

66 replies

biddysmama · 01/03/2012 11:50

i have no-one i trust exept my husband to look after them and i'll need him to take me to te funeral, my lo's are 3 in 2 weeks,18 months and 3 weeks (and breastfed)

my mum says iabu and should leave them with my other grandad who i dont trust to look after them properly or not go

would it be unreasonable to take them? none of them have ever been left with anyone else so i doubt they would be happy with it anyway

OP posts:

D0G · 01/03/2012 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CMOTDibbler · 01/03/2012 11:54

Can your dh take the other children off for a walk during the service, just leaving you with the baby ?

mojitomania · 01/03/2012 11:54

I do understand your dilema OP, however a funeral is a rather grim place for such young ones and how on earth would you keep them quiet? It would be very stressful for everyone really.

KatAndKit · 01/03/2012 11:57

Obviously you'd need to take the baby with you. Nobody would consider it unreasonable for a mother to take her newborn (and if they did you should ignore them). I personally wouldn't think it unreasonable to take the toddlers either. Why does your mum think it's not ok?
If the two elder ones can't cope with sitting through the service, surely your husband could look after them just outside the church/crematorium for a while? Funerals don't tend to be all that long.

corygal · 01/03/2012 11:59

I know it's irritating for you, but I can't see your babies adding much to the occasion. Funerals are very important occasions and people attending will need the time to grieve and space for their feelings. Not be distracted by a variety of toddlers and newborns. People in grief must come first on this day.

Discretion is the better part of valour on this one - I would ask your DH to take them - they'll enjoy that more, too.

scuzy · 01/03/2012 11:59

i attended a funeral where a mother of 3 had commited suicide and was 6 months pregnant. as we were waiting in the church for the hearse to arrive all you could hear was an obvious new born cry in the church. was awful!

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 01/03/2012 12:05

YANBU.

Your children are part of your family and should be made welcome.

I agree that they may be a pleasant distraction/light relief from sombre proceedings and a reminder of the circle of life - it was your great grand-dads time to pass [I assume he must have lived to a good age being your great grandfather!] and your children are part of his legacy to the world.

And if they do become a bit bored and fidgety your DH can take them outside for a walk. Just make sure you sit somewhere towards the back and close to the aisle so they can all slip out with minimal disturbance.

Sorry for your loss OP and I hope you can have your family with you at the funeral for support and comfort.

D0G · 01/03/2012 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scuzy · 01/03/2012 12:08

sorry I meant to add that I know that is not the case with the OP but it can be hard to grieve, think of your lost loved one with a toddler crying/laughing/shouting. its no ones fault its life. BUT I think if your youngest is asleep bring them in but leave the others with DH to get an ice cream while you are attending.

QueenSconetta · 01/03/2012 12:15

I think YABU to take the toddlers to the service. I don't think it is fair on them as they may not know how to behave and also on the people their being 'distracted', I've not articulated that v well but hopefully you get what I mean.

For this reason I did not take my DD (2.3) to my Dad's funeral 2 weeks ago.

However I am sure people would be delighted to see them at the tea afterwards.

GinPalace · 01/03/2012 12:20

Not sure how having small children at a funeral would 'spoil' the ability of the grieving to grieve! Like at any occasion if they get too noisy you can step outside with them, otherwise they may behave fine, and if so what is the problem. Would be worse if you didn't go top your ggd funeral surely. death and taxes are certain but logistics are still logistics and I wouldn't leave two lively toddlers with a grandparent who wasn't very familiar with their care and had the energy and inclination. YANBU

How else do they learn to behave if they don't go... most children are aware enough to see how everyone around them is behaving and be influenced by that.

scuzy · 01/03/2012 12:23

GinPalace I agree with you IF the children in the OP's case were older. They are way to young imo.

NarkedPuffin · 01/03/2012 12:25

What CMOTDibbler said.

valiumredhead · 01/03/2012 12:27

I agree with dog and completely disagree with cory - children imo should be exposed to birth and death and be brought up knowing it's all the circle lot life etc as young as possible.

I have never been to a funeral where children weren't made to feel welcome, in fact having children at funerals is something nice to focus on and reminds us there is life after death and sadness.

Sorry for your loss x

OhTheConfusion · 01/03/2012 12:28

OP, given that you too are grieving surely you need to be at ease too and leaving the children is not something you sound comfortable with. I agree with a few other poster who have said your DH can always take the LO's outside if they become fidgety or noisy and im sure the baby will snooze or feed throughout the service.

Scuzy, that is sad and under those circumstances would be hard but the OP is attending the funeral of an elderly gentleman.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2012 12:36

How else do they learn to behave if they don't go... most children are aware enough to see how everyone around them is behaving and be influenced by that.

This will (hopefully) be a one-off situation for years to come, so I don't see it as any kind of 'learning' opportunity.

I admit I am old-school, but I really don't see funerals as a suitable place for very young children. You cannot predict their behaviour. And if you have to take them out midway, it is a distraction.

I agree with those who said that perhaps your DH can take the older two off during the service. The wake is fine to take them to (probably, depends on your family).

Is it your mum's grandad? What do the rest of his immediate family think?

3duracellbunnies · 01/03/2012 12:38

I still have a vague snapshot memory of my grandmother's funeral, lots of legs and being asked by aunt to take a plate of biscuits around. I was 18 months, sounds funny but is my link with her. I would take them to the gathering afterwards, and dh take them out of service if disruptive. I know people used to think better to keep children away, but research has shown for the child is better for them to be involved.

kerala · 01/03/2012 12:40

I agree with NannyOgg. Take the baby let DH take the toddlers to the park. They are too young to "learn" anything, they may be distracting/inappropriate to mourners. Also may be upsetting to them to see adults upset.

When my grandfather died we were 6,4 and 1 and stayed with a neighbour. I still remember the shock of seeing my grandmother sobbing and appreciate my parents shielding us from funeral itself.

lesley33 · 01/03/2012 12:42

If they were a bit older I think this is fair enough. But I do think the toddlers are just too young. I can't imagine that it will be very nice for them if people are crying and visibly upset - and just because someone is older doesn't mean that some won't be grief stricken. I also think it could be distressing for some if they couldn't hear the funeral service because of toddlers chatting or fidgeting in the pew near them.

Funerals are very very important when you have lost someone close to you. If there really is no one else who can take them then wait outside with the toddlers while the service takes place, but participate in the rest.

Oh and don't assume that grief stricken people might find young children a light relief as some seem to do . Some might, but others will be just too grief stricken to deal with young children.

lynniep · 01/03/2012 12:47

I agree that your DH should take the older two out during the service to play. It could be potentially frightening for them with folk sobbing and I think they are still too young to have this explained to them. They're too little to be expected to stay still, and you mustnt leave them with someone who isnt capable. Its not fair on him or them.
I took my DS2 (was 5 months) to my dads funeral. There were a few raised eyebrows, but there was no way he was leaving my side, and he had no idea what was going on. He was good as gold too bless him. His brother however stayed at home with DH (he was just 3)

fortifiedwithtea · 01/03/2012 12:52

Take the children with pencils and colouring books and sit at the back. the grief stricken will be too unset to notice the kids.

After the service I find people like to see children. It relieves the tension and gives people something for folks to talk about. Alot of families (mine and hubby's) only see each other at hatching, matching and disbatching. They have nothing in common apart from some vague blood link.

YANBU and I am sorry for your loss.

Ahhhtetley · 01/03/2012 12:55

I took my 3 yr old to my grandmothers and then my grandfathers funeral however I did ask my Mum (her parents) if she was happy I did so.

She was actually fine with it, and my DD started singing when we were sat in the church to the church music.. My Mum said how nice it was as it brought a bit of happiness to the occasion and she said that both her parents would have loved to have heard her.

I think if they were old, and it was expected (a fact of life) then sometimes having little ones there can add a lovely touch. But I would check with the main attendees first..

lesley33 · 01/03/2012 12:56

"After the service I find people like to see children."

tbh I hate this attitude - absolutely loathe it. Normally yes and if I wasn't that close to the person who died then yes. But I have been to funerals where I am so upset - although holding it mostly together - that I am really not up to dealing with the simplest emotional demands. With adults if they try and speak to you and you're not up to it, you can just look upset, murmur sorry and turn away. With young kids it is not really possible to do this as they won't understand why you are ignoring them.

I actually said take the kids to the bit after the funeral, but please don't assume that some mourners will be up to interacting or possibly even noticing your kids at all.

fotheringhay · 01/03/2012 13:15

A relative of mine who knew he was dying wrote a message to be read out at his funeral. It was drowned out by a baby crying. Please no-one let that happen!

headfairy · 01/03/2012 13:21

I didnt' take my two (2 and 4) to my Grandmother's funeral just before Christmas and after the service just about everyone asked me to go and get them (our nanny was looking after them) and bring them to the wake. IME people really feel like hugging the babies of the family when saying goodbye to the older members. I'm glad I didn't have them there for the service though because they would have seen me sobbing my eyes out and I think that would have distressed them.

OP can your grandfather come to the funeral and look after the children outside during the service? then you can go to the wake with the children.

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