to take 3 under 3 to my great-grandads funeral

[biddysmama]

i have no-one i trust exept my husband to look after them and i'll need him to take me to te funeral, my lo's are 3 in 2 weeks,18 months and 3 weeks (and breastfed)

my mum says iabu and should leave them with my other grandad who i dont trust to look after them properly or not go

would it be unreasonable to take them? none of them have ever been left with anyone else so i doubt they would be happy with it anyway

I have taken babies and toddlers to the funerals of both their Great Grandmother's funerals. I found the family very supportive and having a baby to hold gave great comfort to my FiL at his mothers funeral. I think with the case of a very elderly realtive you will need to assess how people are likely to feel - I was lucky but I was prepared to step out of the room at any time if my baby was crying. At the wake we stayed only a short time. But we found the mourners were celebrating a life more than mourning a death iyswim? Afterall both ladies were in their 90's and had lived to see most of their contempories die before them, it did not feel inappropriate.

If your family is supportive it will be fine.

Fotheringhay thats so sad.

bigmouth - My gran was in her 90's when she died. My mother was distraught. Someone can be very elderly and there can still be people who are extremely upset at the funeral.

As I say it depends on the family - no one can tell you how you 'should' feel. All I have to go on is personal experience. My Dad died when I was 18 and his funeral (although a bit of a blur for me) was also strangely lighthearted with lots of memories shared (and whiskey drunk) but that may be the Liverpool Irish Catholic thing.

I think there were a couple of toddlers and a baby there as well.

yanbu to take them. DC are an integral part of life and should not be left out for others convenience

YANBU to take them to the funeral .
I took DD age 3 to my grandmas funeral , cousin had her little DD age about 6 months there . ( she had her lunch in church , and could be heard munching away ) and another cousins DD aged about 2 was there as well .
My Grandma always loved children and babies , they were part of her family and should have been there .

With regard to the young mums funeral , with the baby crying . Her friends would all have been young mums, so there were bound to be babies there.

Quite often the only time you see cousins , Aunts etc will be at funerals , so take them , but sit at the back so DH can take them out for a walk , just in case.

OP This might be a generational thing. My Grandfather died when I was 7 or so in the mid 80s. There was never any suggestion that I would go. Older relatives would have been utterly aghast at the very idea.

A few years earlier, my mum had provoked a minor scandal by having the temerity to turn up at her Uncle's funeral whilst pregnant. Much tea was apparently sucked through lemon lips that day by all accounts.

I have mixed views: I first went to a funeral at the age of 18, and that was too late. I had no idea that the coffin would be bought into the church and I panicked and virtually had to be held up by my dad. If I had gone to one as an older child I think I would find them easier to cope with.

At the other end of the spectrum I have been to funerals with small babies and their constant crying and screaming disrupted the funeral and made the occasion undignified and upset some of the bereaved.

From my point of view, it depends on what you think the odds are of three toddlers sitting still and behaving for the duration of the funeral. My guess is that it is pretty slim odds. I like headfairy's suggestion as a compromise.

I can see no problem with two adults looking after 3 children. Unless you have a very grumpy newborn he/she will either be sleeping, or feeding. The toddlers will be unpredictable and may need to be taken out by your DH. Is he prepared to do that?

What is your Mum concerned about?

I had the opposite problem that my FIL very much wanted my DS1 and DS2 age 1.3 and 2.7 to attend the funeral of MIL whilst I felt it was inappropriate, as did my DH - I knew that it was me who would be judged if they played up at all and weren't quiet. I also did not want to have a discussion with children that age about what was in teh box and what was going to happen to it.

I did feel, however, that they needed to know that their grandmother was not poorly anymore and had passed - but explain it to them in a way that would not scare them.

In the end we all agreed that DS' would not go the crematorium, but they would attend the memorial service at teh church which was a celebration of her life, and the wake afterwards. It felt appropriate that they should be there, and no one minded the little bit of noise they made at the back of the church playing in the kids play area, in fact quite a few people ocmmented on how nice it was to have her adored grandchildren there and to hear the sound of laughter. It reminded people that life goes on.

I dont think the actual funeral is suitable for young children, or fair on the other mourners if the children start crying or moaning. Fine to take them to any wake afterwards, once you have checked with the person organising the event that it would be ok, but I think it would be inconsiderate to others to take 3 very young children.

I wouldn't take young children to a funeral. As many have said already, I feel it's inconsiderate to other mourners to have small children distracting them at such an important and sad time. Why not ask DH to take the children off somewhere (park etc?) for the duration of the service and internment?

I took my DS, who was 6 months at the time to my nan's funeral; My 2 older DCs were at school but my cousins also took their children, ranging in age from 13 to 3. It was nice to have the children at the funeral, my nan would have loved it.

Maybe the young mums friends had the sense to not take their children to the funeral? Goodness me just because people have children doesn't mean they have to be took everywhere their parents go!

That was in response to doilooklikeatourist

I'd be inclined to bring them all. Your Dh in charge of the toddlers, with a bag of colouring in, some (quiet) sweets, and a teddy each to take to the porch or outdoors if need be. And a promise of some kind of treat for good behaviour at any part where they will be with others (McD's on way home, dvd that evening, favourite story at bedtime...something on the day preferably).

Oh, and warn the toddlers about where you are going beforehand - in the "we're going to X place, and there will be lots of sad people, and we will have to stay quiet while people say things at the front......" explanatory way. Don't need to get into the reasons, unless you want to. But tell them that they will see ceratin relatives they know - who may not want to talk to them as they will have lots of other people they have to talk to as well. And who may be very sad.

Try and find out if there is open space or any playgrounds nearby (in the grounds or that you can go to between bits, just before everything or a promise of afterwards) to let the 2 bigger ones have a run around. Will let off some steam.

You take charge of the baby, with the same idea. Starts to squeak, you take him/her out (will assume a girl). Even if only to the porch and "plug her in" for a few minutes :). But if possible, try to feed her not long before you arrive at church, so that she's ready for a sleep while ceremonies go on around her. You will have to take charge of her though, as you are feeding yourself (unless you can express a bottle for during the ceremonies - and delegate all 3 to DH - but you'd have to assume that he may only take 1/2 out as needed and the 2/3rd may also need to go out after with you taking them).

Sit at the edge of a row, prefereably the wall side (rather than aisle side) if there's a choice. And perhaps more towards the back (but in many churches there's a door near the front that would work unobtrusively also).

FWIW, we took DD aged 4 to the ceremony bringing her great grandad to the church (evening service), but not the prayers at his house beforehand or to the funeral next day. She was fine about it all and stayed very quiet when needed, but I personally wanted to concentrate on me at the funeral, and with family later, and she just went to creche as normal for the day. But I have been at lots of funerals where there were lots of kids of all ages (either because that's what their parents wanted, or because there were no alternative childcare arrangements possible if a parent wanted to go themselves).

I think you should defer to your mother's wishes as much as possible, as she will need your emotional support.
Hence all 5 going but only you and the baby going into the church/crematorium seems the best compromise.

I have had to name change to avoid recognition and join this thread, as my sister in law did this at our gran's funeral.

She decided to bring along her 3 year old daughter "as it would be a good experience for her". She asked what I thought and I said I thought it was a bad idea as her husband was around and could look after the child, and that the child had never even met gran so didn't know her.

She said that she had asked my parents and they didn't mind, so she was going to bring her.

At the funeral, the daughter ran around, shouted "what's in that box" and when asked when to come away she had a full on tantrum in the aisle shouting "no no no" at the top of her voice. I can hear you all saying badly behaved child, but she is not normally like this, and the unusualness of the situation, and the upset people around her affected her.

My mum was particularly upset by this, as she had felt railroaded into agreeing when asked by SIL if she could bring DC to funeral, as she felt to refuse would seem she didn't like SIL.

So just for the benefit of all of you on her that think taking your DC to a funeral because you think everyone else will look upon them with the same indulgence as you:

A. Whilst it is good for children to learn about death, under 5 is too young to take to a funeral.

B. Funerals are not there for you to avail yourself of a "good experience" for your precious child, but for people to grieve and show respect for a loved one.

C. Not everyone finds a boisterous child "a joy" at any occasions, they do not add lightness to the proceedings, and they do not comfort from the new life/death point of view, no matter how much you love their smiling little faces and funny things that they say, this does not necessarily apply to people grieving, and wanting to reflect and perhaps talk about the deceased, not have your child as the centre of attention.

The OPs husband could clearly take the children somewhere else during the service/comittal.

I took my (then) 18m to my friend's mum's funeral. He was fine but I was right at the back (was in a very large church and he was only one. There is no way I'd take three under-3s - you won't be able to keep control of them and it isn't fair on them or the rest of the mourners.

I'd say take children to the wake afterwards. At that point people are quite relieved that the funeral is over and the atmosphere is a bit lighter. I think your DC are too young for the actual funeral

"C. Not everyone finds a boisterous child "a joy" at any occasions, they do not add lightness to the proceedings, and they do not comfort from the new life/death point of view, no matter how much you love their smiling little faces and funny things that they say, this does not necessarily apply to people grieving, and wanting to reflect and perhaps talk about the deceased, not have your child as the centre of attention."

Absobloodylutely.

I was really close to my late gran - had some one (ie neighbour/ distant relative etc) turned up with a kid they expected would provide some light relief I would have felt affronted. My kids didn't go as my grandad wanted to remember his wife, not worry that one of mine would ask a silly question etc midway through.

BTW I get that the op is closer than a distant relative but great grandad implies other, closer mourners. Check their thoughts out.

in my family we all always take children to funerals.. we're scattered around the country and nobody would ever expect anybody to leave an under-3 hundreds of miles away or hire local unknown babysitters.

3 under 3 is a lot but it's a family funeral so there will be lots of adults who know the children around, in my family all would take joint responsibility and nobody would judge the mother.
if one cried or was excitable or tantrumy, somebody would step up to take them out for a walk.

i'm from a catholic family - no idea if that makes a difference? the kids have all been to church before (even those who are not weekly mass-goers will still go at easter and christmas)

If you have to take sweets, colouring books and teddies to keep them quiet then why the fuck are you taking them? Because they certainly aren't going to get anything out of the funeral.

I took mine aged 18,11,7 and 2 to their great grandma's funeral.She was 95,it was more a celebration of her life ifyswim,and having great grandchildren was one of her achievments and her lasting legacy.
The 2 yr old was fine.