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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take 3 under 3 to my great-grandads funeral

66 replies

biddysmama · 01/03/2012 11:50

i have no-one i trust exept my husband to look after them and i'll need him to take me to te funeral, my lo's are 3 in 2 weeks,18 months and 3 weeks (and breastfed)

my mum says iabu and should leave them with my other grandad who i dont trust to look after them properly or not go

would it be unreasonable to take them? none of them have ever been left with anyone else so i doubt they would be happy with it anyway

OP posts:

Aribura · 01/03/2012 20:41

^ It's different, Georgina. One, aged 2, would not be that hard to control since presumably the 7 year old is well behaved and the 18 year old is old enough to watch them if you have to step out.

Now try 3 young children who have absolutely no idea what's going on.

DrCoconut · 01/03/2012 20:46

I was 2 when I went to my first funeral. I was fine but we were regular churchgoers and my mum never gave me toys or allowed me to run around etc in church, I had to behave and it was the same at the funeral. It was explained very simply what was going on before we went and was without event. Dad died when I was 6 and brother 3. We went to the service (he donated his body to science so there was no funeral as such). But when my grandma died DS1 was 4 and I got a babysitter. I told him what was going on but did not think it was right for him personally to go to the funeral, he was/is a different personality to me. So, I guess it depends on the child.

SoozyWoozy · 01/03/2012 20:47

I will be going to a great-grandparent's funeral next week. I can think of nowhere worse I would want to take any of my children - I've got 3 under 8 and think that is still too young for them to experience the harrowing grief that a funeral can bring.

YANBU to feel torn over what to do, and wanting to do the best for all of your family. I think it would be reasonable for your DH to have all three in a near-by park or maybe family-friendly cafe. If you feed baby as close to the service as possible then you will only be separated for a short amount of time and baby will be with someone you trust. If you're not happy to leave baby (which only you can judge depending on time baby goes between feeds, and assuming you will feed during the service should s/he need) then take him / her but not the others.

Like any situation with no hard and fast 'rules', the decision can be a difficult one and as the various posts show, each family has different boundaries of what they find acceptable.

Hope you find a way around it.

ceres · 01/03/2012 22:03

i think there is a huge cultural element to this - i am irish and it is the norm for children to be taken to funerals, from babes in arms to older children. it would be considered odd for children not to go to the funeral of a family member.

andpourmeout · 01/03/2012 22:14

Children should go to funerals (unless there is a blearing reason that they can't) and that includes baby in arms.
Death is a part of life and it is important for children to experience that (whether they remember or not) especially if it is family.

And if you baby starts crying then just sit by aisle/near back. I have been to plenty of funerals where very young children have a book or a really small quiet toy and sit there happily.

I don't unserstand objections to children at weddings especially when they are family.

HandMadeTail · 01/03/2012 22:33

You need to consider other people's feelings, as well. I had to miss my DH's aunts funeral (I was very fond of her) because I was breast feeding a few weeks old baby, and it would have offended closer relatives.

So, speak to family, and get their feelings.

I think in the main, you shouldn't take the two older children, and need to seriously consider taking the baby. If you really can't ask anyone else to look after them, the solution of your DH taking them outside is probably the best.

Rhinosaurus · 01/03/2012 22:45

"And if you baby starts crying then just sit by aisle/near back."

I would say if your baby starts crying take it outside! I always think people with crying babies who stubbornly stay put inside church at weddings/funerals so they don't miss anything are just selfish and not respecting people who actually want to listen to the ceremony/readings.

canyou · 01/03/2012 22:52

I agree with Ceres I am also Irish and at my GM funeral we has her 9 GGC aged 3 months to 6 yrs at rosary, removal, mass and burial. We were willing to remove any noisy child. I believe it is important for our DC to be aware of the circle of life and they always when possible attend funeral services,it is only right that they are also given the chance to grieve and remember and celebrate the life of the person.

squeakytoy · 01/03/2012 23:52

Kids can learn about death without it needing to affect the mourners at a funeral.

Children can watch funerals on television to gain an understanding of what they are about, which gives them ample opportunity to ask questions, and observe what the expected level of behaviour is at such an event.

I was 15 when I went to my first funeral. I was hardly clueless about the "circle of life" until that point.

Solo · 01/03/2012 23:59

I think it is very Ok to take young children to family funerals. My own Dd has been to several; her first at age 11 months, her second at 20 months. No problems at all.

BiddyPop · 02/03/2012 08:02

Aribura, I suggested to sweets, colouring and teddy. For the reason that they are travelling a long way, and these are things for the DH to have in reserve for keeping the kids occupied (more likely outside than inside the church itself) - and the teddy as an item of their own that is a comfort to them in unfamiliar circumstances.

Our DD has been a regular churchgoer (although lapsed in last few years), and while we wouldn't have those for weekly mass, DH did have a packet of buttons and a small teddy in his pocket when my grandad was brought to the church. He also had full responsibility for her, and if she was anyway badly behaved, he would have left the building (as he did anytime she kicked off during weekly mass).

The OP is having to travel, her DH has to drive her, and she doesn't really have options but to bring at least the baby with her to the location. I am simply trying to give practical options on how to bring the kids (all 3 if they feel that necessary as she doesn't trust her FIL with the 2 small ones - 2 smallies ARE hard work for a full day), and yet not disturb the ceremony and the other mourners. And have the kids understanding what's going on too (so they are not overwhelmed and scared about so many people, solemnity and tears in people who they don't normally see crying).

If it was a funeral just up the road and FIL could mind the 2 toddlers for a couple of hours, and possibly even the baby too, then it would be a WHOLE different set of advice. But sometimes, people ARE torn by wanting to say goodbye to their loved one and the practical realities of doing that.

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 11:11

I think you need to ask your Mum exactly why she doesn't want your children there (assuming it is her dad's funeral?).

My DD went to the funerals of both her great grandmothers, but MIL was extremely close to her dad and, knowing that she would be very distressed at the funeral did not want DD witness her 'in a state' so asked that we left her with my parents, which we did.

That aside I have no problem at all with children attending funerals - just take a few bits to amuse the older ones and make sure your DH is prepared to whip them out if they do start getting noisy or playing up at an inappropriate moment.

lesley33 · 02/03/2012 11:19

I do think it can be different if young children are used to going to church as ime they are far more likely to behave and not be upset and confused at a funeral - as at least most of the actual ritual part is fairly normal to them.

SwimmingThroughSickLullabies · 02/03/2012 11:28

YABU

When people are grieving they don't need 3 screaming children around them. My grandad said no children to my grandma's funeral and some ignorant distant cousins still took their scraming babies. Thankfully their mother stepped in early on in the procedings and asked them to take them outside.
If you can't leave them with someone else then don't go. Other people are grieving too and they just don't need it.

valiumredhead · 02/03/2012 11:39

Unless specified like your grandad said swimming I'm not sure why any one has the monopoly on grief and that their right to grief is greater than someone's without children,

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 12:31

I would add that DD was 3.6 when her greatnan (FIL's mum) died and 5.6 when greatgrandad died (MIL's dad). She was much closer to greatnan but it's greatgrandad, whose funeral she didn't attend, that she still sometimes says she feels upset about.

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