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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DDs punishment or is DP?

71 replies

reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:23

DD loves dressing up. She also loves not doing as she is told. This morning she woke up baby DS after explicitly being told to leave him alone. As a punishment DP took away her dressing up box for the day.

She responded by saying that she would dress up at preschool instead. DP told her she wouldnt as we would tell preschool not to let her.

My issue is that it was only her second day there today and she was really upset about it and said she didnt want to go anymore
And I didnt think it was fair on the preschool staff to also have to carry out our punishment
But DP insisted and said I had to tell them or I could keep her at home which I didnt want to do.

I told preschool and to my surprise they said ok but the were doing World Book stuff day today which I knew nothing about so half of the kids were dressed up today! My heart nearly broke for poor DD. DP and I argued about it so Aibu or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:24

She is 3 by the way.

OP posts:
Beamur · 01/03/2012 11:26

I think extending the punishment into an area outside of home is U. Not fair on the staff to have to do that - seems excessive to continue the punishment all day for such a small child.

Firawla · 01/03/2012 11:26

i think it's too much to extend her punishment into preschool for what she did at home.

HuwEdwards · 01/03/2012 11:27

3??

Maybe you've just not explained this very well or maybe there's a bigger punishment - but a whole days punishment for waking up her baby brother?

I think you're both way over the top. And to carry that into pre-school is just bonkers.

HuwEdwards · 01/03/2012 11:28

a bigger 'issue' not punishment.

The punishment is way too big already!!

mojitomania · 01/03/2012 11:28

YANBU - The dressing up box at home was punishment enough.

Beamur · 01/03/2012 11:29

At 3, you need to be thinking more about distraction and reinforcing good behaviour.

mojitomania · 01/03/2012 11:29

Tell your DP to remove his thumb print from your heads Angry

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/03/2012 11:30

YANBU - he cannot enforce punishment at pre-school. The home dressing up box was banned - fair enough and leave it at that!

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:30

I agree Huw but DP thinks I always undermine him. And I think he goes OTT.

OP posts:
Yellowtip · 01/03/2012 11:30

Your DP is being totally and utterly U. She's three, and it's World Book Day. He sounds like a martinet. Anyhow, how come you appear to have no say?

imnotmymum · 01/03/2012 11:32

wish the worst thing my 3 year old did was to wake the baby but should not interfere with pre school think slightly over the top to punish her anyway but maybe I am too soft

Sarcalogos · 01/03/2012 11:32

Punishment way over the top and your DH was drawn into a 1 upmanship argument with a 3 year old. Not good.

UtherTheTerrible · 01/03/2012 11:33

He's being unreasonable. And it's utter to bullshit for him to say that if you didn't do the punishment at nursery then she has to stay at home. What a ridiculous idea.

milkysmum · 01/03/2012 11:33

i have a dd aged 3 and ds aged 5 months so know were your coming from, it can be very trying at times!. i think the punishment seems extreme though- she is only 3 after all. i also do not think it is appropriate to ask nursery staff to do this at all, and being her 3rd day at nursery aswell, she could end up resenting staff when she should be trying to form bonds with them a mix with the other children. i know its hard when you and dp don't agree on disipline but i do think you need to talk through and find common ground. my heart would have broke for her to so are not being unreasonable in my opinion. sorry forr state of typing, am feeding ds whilst i type.

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:33

Beamur, they are our usual methods but with varying results.

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 01/03/2012 11:33

I think it's OK as a punishment to be honest. You explicitly asked her not to do something, she did it anyway (I'm assuming that she went and woke him up rather than doing it accidentally by being noisy). I'd be cross with her in those circumstances.

You gave her a punishment, she said she didn't care because she could do it at pre-school anyway. That's really rude of her and I think saying that actually no, no dressing up for the day means no dressing up all day is fair enough in those circumstances.

If, as you seem to indicate, it's an ongoing stage where she is ignoring your requests and being rude, a proper sanction might make her think twice about it. If she's usually an angel and this was a one off, then maybe it's a bit harsh. But I think I side with your DP on this one.

HuwEdwards · 01/03/2012 11:33

daisy, chat about it tonight when dd is in bed. Repeat to him what Beamur says - far more effective in a 3yo. Good luck.

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 01/03/2012 11:35

But DP insisted and said I had to tell them or I could keep her at home which I didnt want to do.

Do you always have to do what your DH says?

He sounds controlling.

She is 3 fgs. Massive overreaction imo. Would have been enough to have small sanction/punishment at home. Not to carry this over into her preschool and especially on her second day there. She has enough on her plate getting used to a new place, routine, children, caregivers...

Poor little girl Sad

pacifist · 01/03/2012 11:37

Poor little girl. She is 3, not 10. It will be mortifying for her not to be able to join in on World Book Day dressing up and it WON'T make her less defiant in future. No 3 year old is perfectly behaved, but low key correction is the way to go, not some extended humiliation and exclusion (which is how this will seem to her today). She hardly committed a crime of the century - she probably likes her DB's company and wanted him to play.

Why does your DP assume that HE is always right? It is a bad sign if when you don't "obey" him, you are "undermining" him. Is DP her father? Please go with your own instincts and not his.

OrmIrian · 01/03/2012 11:37

Ridiculous! Your DP is being an arse.

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:37

Yellowtip, because i am supposed to present a united front and we keep falling out about discipline. I think he wants her to know that we mean what we say with the idea that she starts to do as she is told in future. I am so upset about this though.

OP posts:
RhinosDontEatPancakes · 01/03/2012 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 01/03/2012 11:40

Your "D"P is being unfair and a total drama queen. My DD is 4 and has at times woken baby DS up. She gets a telling off but tbh it isn't the end of the world, annoying but we all get over it.

I would never expect the staff at my DD's nursery to punish my DD for me Shock that anyone would think that's ok, World Book Day or not!

milkysmum · 01/03/2012 11:41

my dh sometimes try's the 'united front' card at times but if i strongly don't agree them i'm sorry there is no way i would carry out such punishment