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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DDs punishment or is DP?

71 replies

reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:23

DD loves dressing up. She also loves not doing as she is told. This morning she woke up baby DS after explicitly being told to leave him alone. As a punishment DP took away her dressing up box for the day.

She responded by saying that she would dress up at preschool instead. DP told her she wouldnt as we would tell preschool not to let her.

My issue is that it was only her second day there today and she was really upset about it and said she didnt want to go anymore
And I didnt think it was fair on the preschool staff to also have to carry out our punishment
But DP insisted and said I had to tell them or I could keep her at home which I didnt want to do.

I told preschool and to my surprise they said ok but the were doing World Book stuff day today which I knew nothing about so half of the kids were dressed up today! My heart nearly broke for poor DD. DP and I argued about it so Aibu or is he?

OP posts:
RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 01/03/2012 11:41

But he's not presenting a united front with you! That requires discussion and compromise. And you don't sound very happy with his punishment. #

Why can't you discuss this together and find a middle ground?

It's not about him calling the shots and you toeing the line.

Jackstini · 01/03/2012 11:42

Reddaisy - first, call preschool and tell them to let her dress up. It is far more important on her first week there that she is happy and comfortable.

She is only 3 - punishments have to be immediate but not very long.
Your dp is BU - and not very fair to you either. (OK that's another story, but I wouldn't be happy)

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:42

Yes she did it deliberately and she doesnt listen to what she is told. But she is definitely no worse than any other 3 year old.

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 01/03/2012 11:47

You know the thing about saying don't means sort of do in a toddlers mind like don't spill the drink should be keep the glass upright maybe a change in language ??

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:48

Now I feel even worse as the consensus is that I wasnt being unreasonable.

OP posts:
RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 01/03/2012 11:49

I agree with the other posters that it is no biggy that your 3 year old DD woke her baby brother from his nap.

My nearly 3 year old does this a bit Angry Grin

It is frustrating but i recognise that DS loves playing with his brother and sometimes just can't wait to see him awake. They are very impulsive at this age and don't really understand about consequences.

Your DH's punishment is unreasonable and unkind. Please don't ignore your instinct on this issue or allow him to undermine you by dictating how you must deal with the situation.

HuwEdwards · 01/03/2012 11:50

Don't feel bad, just see it as an opportunity for a conversation to agree some tactics with DP.

No damage done, chin up Smile

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:54

The damage done is the way he has gone about it Huw. It was like he was "putting his foot down" with both of us.

OP posts:
Beamur · 01/03/2012 11:55

Don't feel bad. YOu asked for advice - I'd guess many of the people offering it (myself very much included) do so on the basis of experience - and that is gained by not always getting it right and learning from that.
You're right to want to be consistent though, for you and your partner to have the same approach.

lancelottie · 01/03/2012 11:58

Ah yes, the 'consistent message' trap. What that means is you both agree, in advance, on certain no-go areas and the consequences. You let your daughter know IN ADVANCE what will happen. It doesn't mean 'Parent 1 has had a tantrum and insisted on random punishment and upping of stakes, therefore Parent 2 must be equally unreasonable.'

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 11:59

Thanks Beamur. Off to get her now.

OP posts:
Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 12:02

Lancelottie that is exactly how it felt.

OP posts:
GinPalace · 01/03/2012 12:04

Well she is certainly getting plenty to rebel against - stand by for the teen years if this is how it is starting now! Phew!
Punishment far outweighed the crime IMO.
She would have felt the removal of her dressing up box but it is face-saving for her to say she will get it at pre-school ... only to find her dad has found a way to get one over on her there too. She would have squirmed and squirmed - for what - disobeying an order whose consequences really aren't that great. A dose of generosity of spirit at times helps punishment have a greater impact - you are desensitising her!

Agree parents need to present a united front for sure, however your DP was massively over-reacting!! Need to avoid having to unite on that one again!

Poor little girl, we all need to have space and privacy away from the home where we can develop our independent selves, you have reached out and squeezed areas of her little world which deserved to remain seperate from that incident, she has had it drummed home all day she is naughty instead of remembering how to be good and coming home in a better mood and prepared to be a better big sis. :(

imnotmymum · 01/03/2012 12:06

I think for 3 she was pretty quick thinking in her reply smart girl !!

Original poster
reddaisy · 01/03/2012 12:06

I totally agree gin.

OP posts:
GinPalace · 01/03/2012 12:07

Glad you have had your instincts affirmed here. Hope you are able to discuss this to good effect with your DP. He sounds very authoritarian, maybe some chat about things will help.

Good luck.

:)

sunshineandbooks · 01/03/2012 12:08

I feel really sorry for your DD. Her second day at preschool and in her eyes she's been labelled a naughty girl - in public. How humiliating. Sad

As adults we reserve the right to cultivate a different way of behaving in work than we do at home. Imagine if your partner walked into work and carried on an argument with you and asked your boss to reinforce his POV. It's deeply humiliating. Same is true for a child whose been told off at home and whose punishment and humiliation is extended to preschool. She wanted to make her own impression on her new carers at nursery and that opportunity has now been denied her. She will be forever left feeling like she's either living up to or trying to change an identity that has been forced on her.

IMO, punishments should never cross settings/households unless it is a serious, protracted issue and has been discussed beforehand with everyone concerned. I'm all for consistency and reinforcement across settings/households but that's not quite the same thing.

It's no different from punishing a child whose parents have divorced by one parent saying to the other, right you're not going to .... with your other parent this weekend. Ok for a serious offence, not ok for a lesser one. It's all about proportionate responses and IMO his punishment was a massive over-reaction and v. v. harsh. She was 3 years old!

I'd hazard a guess that if your DP always treats your DD like this, the poor child probably feels she can't do right for doing wrong and therefore will do whatever she likes. I think he needs to examine his behaviour far more than she does hers.

lancelottie · 01/03/2012 12:10

Remember, though, that your DH hasn't done any of this before (I assume?) and is making it up as he goes along, possibly with some interestingly half-baked ideas about what a real toddler is like. The cure for this is either to expose him to a lot more toddlers, or to shove him on Mumsnet for a few days (with a stiff drink to hand) and dare him to ask for advice.

Dh was a much better parent to Child 3 than to the first two, largely from relief that she didn't throw anything worse at him this time round.

sunshineandbooks · 01/03/2012 12:11

Oh, various cross posts.

reddaisy don't feel I'm having a go at you. I'm not. I think your DP is the problem. You were put in a difficult situation, made an on-the-spot decision and probably had the old chestnut somewhere in your head that above all parents should back each other up so that the child doesn't learn to divide and conquer.

I think you definitely need to sit down and discuss your parenting approach, and he needs to learn the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. Also, backing up the other parent does not mean going along with something that you feel is very, very wrong.

wheredidyoulastseeit · 01/03/2012 12:12

shouldn't he be backing you up and presenting a united front with you, and going along with your decisions.Presumably you are the one dealing with the fallout from punishment decisions. anyway why are you punishing a 3 year old.

WilsonFrickett · 01/03/2012 12:14

OK, You know this is U. Next time, DD is going to be smart enough not to say 'I can do it in pre-school anyway'. But I think you need to have a proper talk with DP about how you discipline her in future. Carrying punishments over to another environment is not fair.

Are you both a bit sleep deprived by any chance? It's easy to overreact and back yourself into a corner and then find yourself stuck because you don't want to back down. The thing is - you can back down occassionally - it's not the then end of the world to tell a 3yo you were cross and not thinking straight. (I mean, I wouldn have backed down about the nursery thing, not the home thing, I think that's fair enough tbh).

valiumredhead · 01/03/2012 12:15

I think the punishment was ok tbh, I would get pretty irritable with an over tired baby BUT extending it to nursery is a crap imo and unnecessary.

grumblinalong · 01/03/2012 12:15

DH reaction totally OTT. She's 3 and all three year olds wake up their baby siblings. It's a daily occurence in our house.

Why is your DH not more concerned with her settling in well at preschool instead of playing the dominating righteous parent?

YANBU OP.

Hullygully · 01/03/2012 12:16

Whip her!

Spare the rod.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 01/03/2012 12:24

"Now I feel even worse as the consensus is that I wasnt being unreasonable."

Just take it as a learning experience and the next time he's OTT and evil, have the strength to tell him to STFU.

At 3, she's young enough to be under the care of a health visitor still. Am I right in guessing that your DH might listen to an "authority"? If so, he should have a chat with your HV about appropriate punishments...