About DDs punishment or is DP?

[reddaisy]

DD loves dressing up. She also loves not doing as she is told. This morning she woke up baby DS after explicitly being told to leave him alone. As a punishment DP took away her dressing up box for the day.

She responded by saying that she would dress up at preschool instead. DP told her she wouldnt as we would tell preschool not to let her.

My issue is that it was only her second day there today and she was really upset about it and said she didnt want to go anymore
And I didnt think it was fair on the preschool staff to also have to carry out our punishment
But DP insisted and said I had to tell them or I could keep her at home which I didnt want to do.

I told preschool and to my surprise they said ok but the were doing World Book stuff day today which I knew nothing about so half of the kids were dressed up today! My heart nearly broke for poor DD. DP and I argued about it so Aibu or is he?

Your DP sounds like a prick. I am sorry but he is.

My DD is three too, and I cant imagine 'punishing' her like this.

Getting the health visitor involved? Calling the DP evil?

Possibly it was a bit OTT to extend it to nursery. I don't think that it's worthy of calling social services quite yet though. He didn't set fire to her dressing up box and make her watch it burn, he just said she couldn't have it today.

To me it sounds like she in effect said "I couldn't care less about your punishment, I'm going to do it at nursery anyway, you have no power over me". I'm curious as to how people feel her parents should respond to that (genuinely curious as people seem to be acting like he's whipped her through the streets and I don't see it as being nearly that bad - happy to be convinced otherwise though)

Your dp is being extremely unreasonable, to put it mildly.

Your dd is only 3. An all-day punishment is far too long. It's also completely unreasonable to expect the pre-school staff to punish your dd for something she did at home, especially as they are still trying to settle her in.

If ds is still only a baby then she may still be getting used to the idea of having a new sibling. It's also possible that she may end up resenting her new brother if she's going to be punished for waking him.

As others have said, a united front doesn't mean one person deciding the punishments while the other has to go along with it even if they don't agree.

She will have forgotton about all this [DD] and wonder what all the fuss is about !!

her thoughts are not that sophisticated IMO Clytae - it's a face saving comment - she has puny power compared to her parents and all parties know that - a 3yo saying something like that, doesn't need to be come down on in the 'you are under my power' way, because it is blatantly not true.
Have you never felt bad when caught out doing something you shouldn't and fired a shot across the bows - that's all that is.
She isn't a major rebel rejecting her parents authority.
She was given extended punishment which was required to be carried out by adults she barely knows - for a small offence. She wasn't whipped through the streets - no, but don't think the consensus is unreasonable. Just my thoughts. :)

There isn't a right or wrong way to parent (bar abuse) but I think most people are agreed on the notion that it is far better to teach and explain than to force. I also think most people are agreed on the fact that three year olds are not known for their ability to follow rules and exhibit self control.

With that in mind, there was no need for this transgression to have escalated out of all proportion. The dad made it needlessly confrontational and if that's a typical example of his parenting he is going to have HUGE problems with his DD as she gets older and more challenging (unless of course he treats her so harshly that ay rebellion is snuffed out of her for good).

He's human and allowed to make mistakes. Any parent who claims they haven't been too harsh/soft on occasion is lying. Is what he does generally that matters. There were a whole load of more effective measures he could have taken to deal with the original 'sin', such as a time out, stopping her watching her favourite TV programme, or, even better as it's consequence learning, getting her to do a chore round the house/miss out on something she was going to do because he doesn't now have time because he had to spend ages getting the baby back to sleep.

ok,. some rational thought here. She did a naughty thing, but she is 3 and they do that sometimes, because they don't have the control, testing your boundaries etc.

yes they do need to be told it was wrong. either through immediate action, ie. naughty step, take away something they value or positive reinforcement. otherwise we have kids growing up thinking they can do anything they like and causing all sorts of problems.

To be fair, it looks like the OP's partner was trying to be somewhat consistent, by saying that what happens in the home, should also happen elsewhere to avoid mixed messages. I don't necessarily agree with the punishment, but understand the need for consistency too. otherwise does the child end up thinking it is not ok to do x at home, but it is ok to do x outside the home? - just a thought.

I am not convinced that a 3 yr old understand or can vocalise humiliation in this way, as suggested e.g. OMG, everyone else is dressed up, why can't I be? they may ask, but after being told no, they may get upset for a minute or just move onto something else. Perhaps we are projecting a little here? Yes when they are older they probably would feel like this, but i believe that their frontal lobe development doesn't enable them to understand this. Otherwise they wouldn't behave the way they do.

Both my kids would probably forget about it after a time and only remember if I reminded - which probably serves to show that perhaps the punishment is worthless at this age? and a time out or taking away one dress up item that is most coveted is the best appoach.

I personally think the punishment doesn't fit the crime in this instance, but I don't agree that they are too young to understand about discipline, but I am quite strict with both my children.

Think about a couple of things here
1 - new baby brother
2 - new preschool

recipe for misbehaviour.... two big things in her life that mean change and adjustment, so perhaps cut her a little bit of slack.

On the united front thing. DH & I never agree, he always goes to the extreme threat, you will never ever watch a dvd ever. I try positive reinforcement and threats I will carry out, naughty step. Try talking to your DH and have him think through his reactions to discipline and how good his empathy is at a point in time. I have to remind my DH about his approach daily and keep him in check.

Good luck :-)

Your post has made me very OP.

Your DD is only 3 and cannot expect to do as she is asked all the time. Fair enough to punish her, but it should be an immediate (and small) punishment to fit a pretty small 'crime'; not one that drags out all morning and into pre-school.

The saddest part is that you can clearly see that your DP is going over the top, but didn't feel able to stick up for your DD, or for yourself. That's the real problem here and I hope you are able to deal with it somehow...

YANBU. There is no way you can issue that kind of demand to nursery staff! It is also ridiculously ott bearing in mind that your DD is 3 and, as you say, she has only just begun at nursery.

Also, I really do not think the nursery staff would be impressed at such a request, I would have thought they would see it as very unkind and impossible to carry out.

YANBU, Who made your DP the boss?

sheesh, I just realised that you did it already!

Did DH come with you or did you carry out his request

Personally I don't think removing the dressing up box for the day is dreadful, if she had been warned and if she did it on purpose.

However expecting the nursery to do it too is unreasonable. I suspect they'll raise eyebrows at you and ignore anyway.

When she's been grounded as a teenager, will that include school too?

DD seems unscathed and was chatting away about a new friend she made. Preschool didnt mention it. We are off to playgroup soon so we will have a nice afternoon.

Lots of food for thought here. DP is a very loving dad and I think today he took it too far. And sadly I was clearly complicit in that. Hopefully things will be calmer tonight and we can discuss it then.

usually i would say it was ott but your child mocked his punishment by saying she would do it at school so in that situation i think she should learn to not be a cocky smart mouth and miss out.

I think Voidka has taken the words from my mouth.

Dd is three a huge over reaction IMO it's not even as if it was a serious crime warranting a punishment tbh.

It's not that she woke the baby up, it's that she disobeyed. So what- she cried and felt left out. It'll all be forgotten by tomorrow or certainly by next week...but she won't forget that you go back on your word and don't take punishment seriously if you loosen up. So your DP is not being U at all. It's hardly even a punishment!

If she is old enough to disobey she's old enough to have something nice taken away from her for one measly day.

I also have a 3yo dd who can be really stubborn at times - it can be hard work. Much sympathy!
Taking this in stages:
Waking up the baby - not the crime of the century - I'd have gone for a short immediate punishment UNLESS it is something she is doing several times a day (a repeated very deliberate offence which she is doing to be 'naughty') in which case managing it needs a step up, and the removal of dressing up stuff is ok.
Taking away stuff for a day - I have no issue with this depending on the 'crime'. We do similar things. Today, dd ran away from me while we were walking along the edge of a lake. I shouted after her to come back three times, then I announced that if she didn't stop running and come back right now there would be no television for the rest of the day. She turned round, grinned at me and kept running. So we are not turning it on all day. Does she get why? Oh yes - dd is a smart cookie and when she's asked to watch a favourite DVD I've said 'No. Why can't you watch it'? 'Because I runned away when you told me to come and walk near you' says she. More than able to understand. This is an important issue for us though - we walk the dog every day for at least an hour and I need to know she won't just leg it. Mostly she's good but we need to reinforce it (although I won't go back to the lake for a while!) She always gets a warning though so she can make a choice. Now, nine times out of ten, she thinks about it and does what she's asked so we're winning! But the day-long things are for things that we deem big issues, and on-going ones (running off is something she has always tended to do so we take it seriously - given the chance she buggers off in shops, out on walks, etc etc. We are finally getting it sorted.)
Taking it into nursery - wouldn't do. I do tell nursery if there are problems we are having and any steps we are taking so they can be consistent but that is for if they see the behaviour, not for them to punish her on our behalf.

Hope you feel better about it all now though - I've also done things I feel bad about afterwards - she recovers much faster than I do!

OP - get your DH to read Playful Parenting and have a go at thinking about the fact that your DD is a small child.

There are ways to get the results he wants without this hardline apporaoch