To think My husbands Ex Wife is 'damaging' their daughter?

[YorkshirePrincess]

DH has a daughter with his ex wife, she's 13. She's very involved with horses and other than school has no other interests or activities. In fact I think she's only sent to school becuase it's the law!
I appreciate that horses are time consuming and take a lot of work but it has taken over her life and I think ex wife is living vicariously through child.
Apart from no longer spending time with us, she doesn't see her grandparents, cousins or friends from school. Everything is horses, horses, horses and I think it's damaging to not have other things in her life.
I also think she's being 'neglected' she's dirty, smelly, clothes are unkempt and smell, her hair is never brushed. She's always starving and as is not fed properly as the horses come first etc.
The ex is very bitter towards my husband as he left her, not for me, and I think her bad attitude is having a detrimental effect on their daughter. I can not see things having a happy ending!

On the dirty / smelly / unkempt front - are you seeing her just after she has been at the stables, or is this how she is when going to school etc

Lots of children of her age have all consuming hobbies. Horses are far healthier (assuming she's physically active - mucking out, exercising, riding etc) than DSs and XBoxes.

What does your husband think?

If you do anything, the exwife will use it to make out you're somehow "against" her or doing it to spite her/make her look bad etc. It needs to be your husband who does something - maybe he could start with going to see his ex and asking her if she's noticed that their daughter is looking a bit "worse for wear" or some tactful phrase. If she's having to go to school dirty/smelly/scruffy the other pupils will pick on her and make her life a misery :( so something needs to be done, and if she is actively beng neglected your DH will have to take things further. You need to find out the facts first though, it could just be that she's coming to see you straight from stables or having "that phase where soapy water is poisonous" that teenagers seem to go through, or it could be that there is something more going on.
Have you asked you SD any questions about her appearance or anything?

We spend loads of time with our horses. They are time consuming, and 12 year old GD (lives with us) doesn't do any other activities. She is, however, a very good rider and a very capable horse owner. GD also doesn't have time to sample alco-pops, go shoplifting, flirt with boys and all the other activities her friends are developing an interest in

To other people we would seem horse-obsessed; it's one of those things that non-horsey people just don't understand.

You need to look objectively with regard to possible neglect: is the care she receives adequate or not, are school worried etc. If so then DH needs to tackle it. If not then you just have to accept that she's into horses, and maybe learn to ride yourselves so you have something in common with her

very vague opening post ... she is 13 - does SHE want to do other things I was obsessed with horses for most of my childhood and had no interest in much else.

Secondly - when you say she is dirty etc - is this all the time? or when she comes from the stables?

Thirdly - what does her Father think? I am sure you have discussed this with him!

Mention it to your DH but then leave it him to him to sort out with his ex (if he thinks there is a problem).

Thanks all.......re the care she receives, I personally don't think it's adequate no, but then what one person thinks is adequate is not the same as others and i'm trying to bear that in mind. I wouldn't allow a child of mine to leave the house unwashed etc if they were going to school, grandparents but would if they were off to play or go riding.

My husband does not like to rock the boat, so to speak, anymore. He has just allowed it to plod along as it always has done to keep the peace and so that he could continue to see her as often as possible. He's supposed to have regular contact but he was leniant due to the horses (more fool him, but hey o) The visits however have dried up but he's now more conscious of the fact that his daughter is now older and is more likely to get caught up in any 'discussions' him and his ex have and he doesn't want to expose her to that unfairly.

For those of you involved in horses.......do you have non horse friends/activities?

I just feel that she's not getting a healthy balance of everything in her life and i'm worried it may cause problems for her later.

Gordy.......she doesn't know anything different but horses she's never had the chance to find her own way in life. Her mum is into horses so therefore she is, she's had no choice in the matter. yes she loves them but how does she know she doesn't love anything else if she's not given the chance to explore?
I suppose that's why I think ex wife is 'damaging' her.........she's not been given the option to do other things?

everyone is different but to me she just doesn't seem very well adjusted, I have mentioned this to my husband, but he's seeing it with 'old' eyes where as i'm seeing it with fresh eyes?

Surely she will be socialising with people at the stables? I used to work with horses and always socialised with the other horse owners..
I think it's a great hobby and wish I had the funds to introduce DD to it because I'm sure she'd love it.
You can get very mucky when with horses - a lot of work is involved so maybe this is why she always seems dirty? So long as she is cleaning herself after she sees the horses and washes for school etc I don't see the problem but how would you know this if you say your DH hasn't even seen her in ages?

I'm not sure I can see what the problem is. She has an all-consuming hobby that she loves. I was very involved in my sport at that age. I didn't see much of school friends but I had friends at the club, and they became such good friends that I am still in contact with them now, over 30 years later. In later years I developed other interests, but at that age I'd have been furious and would have hated it if I'd have been made to do other things instead of something I loved. And I too initially got involved because my parents and siblings were.

'Her mum isinto horses therefore she has no choce in the matter'.

Isn't this the same in all families - I'm musical - therefore my children are too. I consider it important that they play instruments, so they do. Am I therefore depriving them becuase I haven't forked out for them to experience dance/football/drama etc? It's called sharing an interest! Maybe your dh ought to try to share it with his dd....

Sounds like she is having a fabulous time. She will smell and have bits of hay and straw stuck everywhere and probably dirty fingernails as well. I am the same and I am 52.

She will be hungry because

a) She is 13
b) all the fresh air and exercise she is getting.

On balance OP I feel you're getting your knickers in a bit of twist here. I think the real issue the way in which your husband deals with his ex wife which probably grates on your nerves (him not rocking the boat etc.).

at 13 Dd probaby does not want to come visit to busy enjoying her own life

Er, Is she happy?

Have read the OP but not the whole thread so excuse me if this has been said or the thread's moved on!

From an ex-wife point of view, I would say be wary of assuming that you have the full story.

From my ex-h's point of view our 15 year old daughter is socially isolated, moody, non-communicative and evasive when he tries to call/text/Skype her. He tells other relatives that he thinks she's depressed and needs help and that I'm in denial about it. He also implies that I'm in some way encouraging her isolation.

From my point of view, she is a happy teenager who has her own interests, is happy with her own company, doesn't feel the need to be out with her friends every day after school but has a healthy social life and a small group of close friends.

She does avoid speaking to him. Not because she's socially inept or depressed but because all he wants to talk about is how she's doing at school and check how many times she's met up with her friends that week.

I've explained this to him and tried to get him to engage with her in different ways and find out what she's really interested in. But it's all on his terms and he has a set view of how a teenaged girl should be (a female version of him at 15 apparently) and because she's not then he assumes something must be wrong.

Also I was a horse and dog obsessed Goth as a teen and people thought I was all kinds of freaky too. Well I was, but I was also perfectly fine

I'm not dismissing your concerns and it's lovely that you're concerned. You could well be 100% right in which case your husband needs to get his act together and tackle his ex-wife about it. I'm just saying it might not be all it seems and the only one who knows the full story is his daughter so maybe the way forward is for him to have a chat with her. No preconceived ideas, just let her tell him what's what. Hope it all works out>

We don't see her anymore, she doesn't have time to spend with her dad. When we did see her - last year - she was dirty and smelly despite not coming from the stables.

His ex has made it perfectly clear he is not welcome at any horse related event or school event, so he doesn't go watch her compete or school plays etc. His mum used to get invited to the school but that has stopped also. Do you suggest he turns up and causes possible conflict?

He tries to keep invoved with her and he tries to get her involved with our interests however it doesn't happen.

I just think his ex should encourage/allow her to see her dad and other family. One day a month away from a time consuming hobby (no matter what that may be) does someone good........a change is as good as a rest as they say, no?

If she hasn't seen her Dad since last year, then I think there's a much larger issue than what you think about her hobby and cleanliness. What was their relationship like before she stopped seeing him, and what was yours like with her?

so he doesn't watch her compete or go to school plays then. Sorry but he needs to seriously pull his finger out. To hell with the ex-wife (are you sure it's her...?) he should just turn up and cheer his dd along.

For my teenage years I did almost nothing but horses (but did start going once a week to a youth club when I was 14). However, I had plenty of friends through the horses, both at the yard where they were kept and through going out almost every weekend to pony club or competitions.

I was also skinny as a rake and often starving hungry because I was doing a large amount of exercise. I was also taught that the horses had to be cared for and fed before you saw to your own needs- that is just part of the responsibility of owning such demanding animals, and is a good lesson in selflessness.

I also query why it is that you think she goes to school dirty if you rarely see her. Surely the times you would see her before school would be when she is leaving from your house, not her mother's?

At your step-daughter's age, she is surely old enough to choose spend time with her father if she is not happy with her mother.

It sounds as though you are trying to tackle the problem that your DH should be tackling. Are you perhaps thinking of having a family with him and wanting to see what he's made of before you do? It is very difficult for ex-H's, but he does have a choice. He could attend horsey events (and all kinds of other actions) if he was committed to finding a solution. I think you are right to be concerned, but can't help wondering if you aren't concerned about something else... good luck

re the appetite, I understand she will be hungry, I loved the fact she used to clear her plate and go back for seconds, it just bothered me that her best meal of the day was at school unless she came to us......her exact words to me one night. That upset me.

I am aware there are 2 sides to every story and in no way do I think my husband is an angel, when he split from her he didn't do it very well in my opinion and I don't blame his ex for being a bit of a bitch towards him, however that was years ago and she has someone new (she did in fact have him lined up before my husband left) and for the sake of their daughter think she could be more flexible.

To be able to watch her compete he has to know where she is doing it. we've asked his daughter and ex to let us know so we can cheer her on, we have yet to be told. re school plays, they give out a certain amount of tickets to the main carer and main carer only for them to distribute as they wish, he tried contacting the school for additional tickets, they couldn't help!

Their previous relationship was good, he saw her once a week from school (you don't need to see a child before they leave for school to know they went dirty) and she stayed over and we'd see her at least once a month on a weekend but not always overnight, me and her got on well, she'd come to me with any problems, was happy to stay with me if her dad was out, ask me to get her stuff if she needed it. She loved to spend time with my nephew and neices and our new dog, plus she was ok if we saw my parents, brothers etc.

Everything has been the same..............except we got married in September!

right - my kids will tell you the best meals they get all week are at the childminders - they like his cooking more than mine - I do not starve them

My girls go to school clean and come back minging - you can not know they leave home dirty or clean

Does she have a phone? can her ring her direct - can her speak to her

Maybe she is busy and doesn't want to visit

Did she come to the wedding - was she involved

Honestly I think your husband needs to deal with this if he is prepared to - you need to back off a bit

if there are genuine concerns about neglect - report them

I'd love my 12 year old to have an all-consuming hobby.

Apparently it's the one thing that almost guarantees a trouble-free adolescence.

Re: dirty and smelly - my 12 year old can be a bit whiffy. She's NOT neglected, she is just a bit of a soap dodger some of the time, despite our encouraging her to bath and change her clothes.

SO in all - YABU. Girls of 13 can be smelly, obsessive and very greedy hungry. Not necessarily a sign of neglect.