To think My husbands Ex Wife is 'damaging' their daughter?

[YorkshirePrincess]

DH has a daughter with his ex wife, she's 13. She's very involved with horses and other than school has no other interests or activities. In fact I think she's only sent to school becuase it's the law!
I appreciate that horses are time consuming and take a lot of work but it has taken over her life and I think ex wife is living vicariously through child.
Apart from no longer spending time with us, she doesn't see her grandparents, cousins or friends from school. Everything is horses, horses, horses and I think it's damaging to not have other things in her life.
I also think she's being 'neglected' she's dirty, smelly, clothes are unkempt and smell, her hair is never brushed. She's always starving and as is not fed properly as the horses come first etc.
The ex is very bitter towards my husband as he left her, not for me, and I think her bad attitude is having a detrimental effect on their daughter. I can not see things having a happy ending!

I'm struck by the fact that you don't see the daughter, but yet you somehow know what she is 'always' like.

Maybe your DH needs to change tactics a bit. Instead of just texting "how are you?", why doesn't he invite her to do something with him and him alone? Then next time include you. Make it a standing invitation. Also continue with the "how are you, I miss you" texts, too.

The ex might be bitter but as you yourself have said many times, your DH is not blameless in his non-relationship with his DD. So stop blaming her more than your ex.

And, if she's smelly in the morning, have you thought that she might have woken up early to take care of her horses and didn't have time to shower before going to school?

My friend at school had a horse, She would cycle to the stables, fed/muck out, cycle home, then meet me to go for the school bus and then go back after school to fed him again and go for a ride. She didn't have much time after that. With the amount of exercise she did, the amount of calories she needed was frightening. Never knew anyone eat so much. At weekends she'd do the same or go to a show. She was slightly unkempt as a result - smelt of horses rather than being smelly.

Her mother stopped doing her washing or cooking age age 13. She never had time for anything else. Was she neglected. No. Left to be independent and yes her mum should has helped her more at that age but not neglected. Her mum was supportive in other ways and encouraged her to be self sufficient - something that has worked well for her as an adult.

And how did I stay friends with her? Helped her with the horse and get involved during the week and with her shows. This despite having no interest with horses myself. The horse hated me for some reason. Loved standing on my foot. I think he was jealous.

Yes YABU

You are worrying too much IMO

Horses are a wonderful and all-consuming hobby. Very healthy for her, albeit slightly high-risk.

I think you are feeling a bit left out. And I am absolutely glad and delighted that you are feeling left out because it shows how much you care and what a lovely step-parent you are.

BTW, none of my DCs clothes are ironed. The DCs tend to be clean, but only because I am fearsome about getting them in the shower (and you should see DS after rugby). Don't think general unkemptness is indicative of neglect - teens will be teens.

lol at dirty and smelly. lol at neglected!

My daughter has had horses since she was two years old. It's not a hobby, it's her life. She met most of her lovely friends through horses, and her boyfriend, and our lives revolve around horses. I even make our living (such as it is!) through them now.

My son also has all-consuming 'hobbies' - football and cricket. It's not just horses that consume teenagers and young adults.

I have encouraged this from them both being very small. Both DC are now grown up and they are excellent at time-management, fit and healthy, have loads of friends, are both studying for degrees and both work.

One of my DD's part time jobs (she has several) is riding out for a professional yard. She also has her HGV licence and has achieved all sorts of other things that she would never have done if she wasn't into all things equine.

We also have dogs as most horsey people do, and the house is a bit of a tip, and I broke the iron about a year ago and haven't missed the lack if it!

My exH has been to watch my DD the grand total of twice in her whole life when she has been competing. He calls her once in a blue moon, never encouraged her when we were married, in fact was hostile to the whole thing. Now he can't understand why she can't be bothered with him.

Your H needs to put masses of effort in to get back into his DD's life. If you feel she is not up to standard as a 'young lady' re the smelly thing she will have picked up on this. She doesn't need 'other interests' as horses give you many, many different skills for life. Your Dh really shouldn't be giving up with the contact. Quite the opposite. By the sound of it he has a lot to make up for. Does the new chap in her mother's life fit in around the horses? I bet he does.

Btw, if I found out my ExH's girlfriend had said those vile words about my teenage DD, it would be my DD who would be the first in the queue to tell her where to get stuffed.

I completely and utterly agree with gettingagrip

Brilliant post.