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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cold towards my depressed mother

54 replies

cazza40 · 29/02/2012 19:31

I am in my early 40s and from at least me being the age of 16 my mother has been depressed. She has taken various medication and seen psychiatrists etc and it is ongoing. I cannot really remember a time when she has been well to be honest. She lives quite near me and when she comes round to see me there are normally tears and a long list from her of things that are wrong in her life and anger towards others who have upset her in some way. My brother has emigrated to nz and he seems to have washed his hands of her and also me and my family. He told me years ago that he was fed up with her - he phones her maybe twice a year even when I begged him to make one 5 minute phone call a week just to make my life easier he could not be bothered to. My father died years ago ( not the reason for her depression _ in fact she seemed almost happy when he died !) I hate feeling cold towards her - maybe its some kind of self preservation Aibu to be like this ?

OP posts:
Born2BRiiiled · 29/02/2012 19:35

She is ill. It is an awful illness to deal with - for everyone, but especially her. Does not sound as if she has been treated well enough tbh. Can you look into that?

Original poster
cazza40 · 29/02/2012 19:39

She is a doctor herself so to be honest she has been super thorough about diagnosis and getting help.

OP posts:
fotheringhay · 29/02/2012 20:00

I totally understand why you feel like that. It's a big burden for you to deal with, and you haven't received the type of mothering that anyone would want since the age of 16 (and possibly before?)

You can't expect to feel compassionate in the same way as say a friend of her's would, because she's the only Mum you've got and things are far from ideal for you.

I bet you're a kind person in general. I say don't feel bad or guilty about it (although don't show it to her, could strain the relationship). Best of luck.

bibbityisaporker · 29/02/2012 20:01

Yanbu, it is totally understandable.

tigermoll · 29/02/2012 20:05

YANBU to feel this way. It is not your job to look after your mother through her illness, and it is not fair of her to expect you to be there to dump all her problems on. I think it probably is a form of self-preservation, - you do not want to risk getting sucked into her way of life.

I can understand why your brother has decided not to have anything more to do with her, - I don't think its a case of him 'not being bothered' enough to call her once a week. Its more likely that he has made a choice that he can no longer deal with the impact on his life of her illness.

Depression is an illness, with real symptoms. That does not mean, however, that you have to put up with ALL your mother's behaviour, and allow her to treat you in a way which is detrimental to your own health and happiness.

Onlyaphase · 29/02/2012 20:05

YANBU.

My mother suffered from depression, particularly badly since I was 10 years old. I hated it, hated the feeling of having to walk on eggshells around her and hated not being able to invite people home in case she wasn't able to deal with it.

I think you do become detached and cold as a self preservation technique, else you'd get sucked under trying to make things better all the time.

Mrsjay · 29/02/2012 20:07

My Mil was like this from as far back as my husband can remember she was always crying and moaning about how people had upset her , they usually hadnt , His brother moved away and hardly bothered about her , sent her a cheque at christmas and maybe Popped in for half a day when he was here visiting his Inlaws , It is so exhausting , sometimes we had to limit our time we saw her to once a week , Yes she was ill but sometimes she didnt help herself I have no advice really just wanted to say I get where you are coming from and know how upsetting and draining it is , We couldnt tell MIL if we had been away for the day as she would complain we hadnt taken her ,

Original poster
cazza40 · 29/02/2012 20:08

Thanks for your comments it does help me. Have had a particularly bad time with her a few hours ago and feel a bit worn out from it

OP posts:
missuswife · 29/02/2012 20:09

YANBU. It's not easy. My mom has depression but refuses to get diagnosed or take any medication. She is anorexic, emotionally manipulative (probably not on purpose) and extremely needy. Every voicemail I get is about how sad she is that I didn't answer the phone. I understand how you feelI'm the daughter who moved awayit is also hard to find resources to deal with parents like this. Much easier to find help for anorexic children than for parents. Most of the time I feel like I'm the mom and she's the daughter.

hiddenhome · 29/02/2012 20:10

YANBU, people who are depressed still have a responsibility towards themselves to seek proper treatment which she has had plenty of opportunity to.

My mother absolutely loved being depressed and wore the 'Oh Woe Is Me' badge all her life Hmm She also had a serious personality disorder. She didn't make any effort whatsoever to try and get better. People with PD are often more resistant to treatment than NTs as well, presumably because they're wired up differently and don't respond in NT ways.

I've had depression myself and know how important it is to seek treatment and make the most of life, also, not to inflict myself on others.

It sounds like your mother needs to talk to somebody about her life, drugs can only do so much.

I find that there does come a point where people start to define themselves by their illnesses and to let go or recover would just be too much for them.

Loonybun · 29/02/2012 20:11

Yanbu. My mum was very mentally ill and was sectioned several times when I was a young child. She seems okay nowadays if a little bitter and angry with life but I have always been emotionally distant too as soon as I realised that I am not responsible for her happiness, maybe its something like that you're feeling .

bibbityisaporker · 29/02/2012 20:12

It is very wearing. I don't really know what to suggest. Does group therapy help for this sort of thing? I am sure it would help you if you were not her sole source of support.

Original poster
cazza40 · 29/02/2012 20:39

I feel like its group therapy for me just posting it on aibu and getting this response. I should have done it years ago ! I have mentioned it to friends but not in any great detail as try to push it all to one side. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply

OP posts:
tigermoll · 29/02/2012 20:40

I think it sounds like you need some help and support through this as well, - it must be horrible, draining and guilt-making, and you shouldn't have to struggle through this alone. I don;t know much about it though, - are there support groups for family/friends/partners of people with depression?

DodieSmith · 29/02/2012 21:06

YADNBU

troisgarcons · 29/02/2012 21:07

My best friends mum was like this. She was diagnosed with depression, fed prozac, sent to a psychiatrist.

25 years down the line it was discovered she was given incorrect drugs for cholesterol. The blood vessels in her barin are now clogged up and she has severe Altzheimers. All because of a misdiagnosis and incorrect drugs given many many years ago.

Bloody sad, the effect she has had on her daughter (who is angry like you), the grandchildren who only really remember an angry old lady, and the g/grandchildren she will never know, her husband (now 82) and alone to deal with her because SS don't give a shit..

MrsBeakman · 29/02/2012 21:24

My mum was depressed throughout my entire childhood and it definitely made me detached and cold towards her as a self preservation technique as someone else put it. What was she like before you were 16? If she was ok as a mother before then, then I suppose that counts for something, as that was quite a lot of your childhood, although i don't blame you for getting fed up now. I think if it is anyone else other than a parent then you have more sympathy maybe, but you want your mother to be ...well a mother.

shagmundfreud · 29/02/2012 21:27

I've suffered from depression periodically.

It's hard to love someone who's depressed. Which is why so many depressed people end up alone and suicidal.

YANBU to be tired of your mothers' emotions.

But even so. Sad for her. And for you.

MULLYPEEP · 29/02/2012 21:35

Aw, I really feel for you and your mum. You sound like you are trying to rescue her, grieving the mum relationship you should have and feeling guilty all at the same time. I have had counselling with a counsellor who specialises in transactional analysis. It has been wonderful in making sense of all my relationships and giving me permission to feel and think the way I do. It also allowed me to see where I enabled some difficult behaviours in my family even when I thought I was doing the right thing. Hope you get some peace soon x

CoffeeDog · 29/02/2012 22:06

My mum is.the same she has been depressed for 30+ years I have no happy memories of.our childhood. Now I am a sahm and my sister works I.am the one who has to deal.with her physically and mh issues she constantly tells.me she will top herself and only lives for.my daughters sake ... I also have two sons but she's not bothered about that . We also had the added pressures of my older.brothers living in residential care He has serve.learning difficulties and my mum frets about him all day every day and goes into detail everything that's happened and makes us feel.guilty we were born normal... to be honest if my brother was ok I would have left my family at sixteen and Never looked back but I just don't have that option I am tied to a variety of toxic people that make.me feel shit and there is feek all I can do about it ;-(

WibblyBibble · 29/02/2012 22:09
  1. 16 is not that young; it's not like you were a child carer, so I don't think you can really push guilt onto your mum that she was depressed from then. Lots of people care for their parents from even younger than that and don't feel 'cold' towards them.
  2. She is trying to treat the illness, so people comparing it to those who won't seek treatment are not making a fair comparison.
  3. Your brother is a knob.
  4. Replace 'depression' with 'cancer' and see if you would think it was reasonable, if not then things need to change. It is not her fault she is depressed.
  5. If you want her to be more positive, find positive life experiences for her. It wouldn't kill you to take her out to do something she's wanted or something like that. Women who have had children often have had a raw deal at life, and end up worse off economically and in terms of career than men of the same age/background. If she really was happy when your dad died (though that seems unlikely), chances are he was treating her badly. Try to have some empathy. Depressed people are not another species, you may well become one at some point in your life.
CoffeeDog · 29/02/2012 22:17

My mum is.the same she has been depressed for 30+ years I have no happy memories of.our childhood. Now I am a sahm and my sister works I.am the one who has to deal.with her physically and mh issues she constantly tells.me she will top herself and only lives for.my daughters sake ... I also have two sons but she's not bothered about that . We also had the added pressures of my older.brothers living in residential care He has serve.learning difficulties and my mum frets about him all day every day and goes into detail everything that's happened and makes us feel.guilty we were born normal... to be honest if my brother was ok I would have left my family at sixteen and Never looked back but I just don't have that option I am tied to a variety of toxic people that make.me feel shit and there is feek all I can do about it ;-(

EldritchCleavage · 29/02/2012 22:50

Too harsh, Wibbly.
I speak as someone who had very severe depression, nearly died and was hospitalised. Still in remission, thank God.
OP, have you ever spoken to anyone about this? Therapy could be very useful in helping you to put some boundaries in place and deal with the emotional impact on you of your mother's illness.

Mrsjay · 01/03/2012 09:16

Oh wibbiliy of course the OP knows what her mums illness is about , the woman was just letting off steam her feelings are important too and at 16 she maybe just noticed how bad her mother was ,
she was a teenager no not a child but still a young woman having to cope with something she didnt understand ,
we are all entitled to our feelings and if venting and looking for support on here is Helping cazza then she is doing nothing wrong , Living with a depressed person is exhausting as id imagine living with a physical illness , and being able to talk about how we feel about things helps , I think you were really Harsh ,

ssd · 01/03/2012 09:31

bad bad post there wibbly, on many levels

op, keep posting, there are others here who are in the same situation and mayve can offer you a chink of hope

what ever you do, keep posting

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