To feel cold towards my depressed mother

[cazza40]

I am in my early 40s and from at least me being the age of 16 my mother has been depressed. She has taken various medication and seen psychiatrists etc and it is ongoing. I cannot really remember a time when she has been well to be honest. She lives quite near me and when she comes round to see me there are normally tears and a long list from her of things that are wrong in her life and anger towards others who have upset her in some way. My brother has emigrated to nz and he seems to have washed his hands of her and also me and my family. He told me years ago that he was fed up with her - he phones her maybe twice a year even when I begged him to make one 5 minute phone call a week just to make my life easier he could not be bothered to. My father died years ago ( not the reason for her depression _ in fact she seemed almost happy when he died !) I hate feeling cold towards her - maybe its some kind of self preservation Aibu to be like this ?

Sorry that you are going through this draining experience op.

Any long term illness will have a terrible effect on family/carers for those suggesting would it be the same if illness was something else.....well yes it might be, privately we might resent the intrusion of any illness to the family.

However, for those who are still in the time warped 'pull yourself together' camp, mental health problems are real, caused by chemical imbalances to the brain. I'm sure that no one who has suffered with depression would choose this illness.

Admittedly, as with many illnesses there are many things as well as treatment that people can do to help themselves.

It's just a bit outdated that many attitudes of shame & blame exist around this illness.

But yanbu op for feeling the way you do.

YANBU. Its doesn't make you a bad person to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the burden of having an ill parent. My mum was diagnosed with alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency when I was 10. She was unable to manage even menial physical tasks such as going down to the cellar to put a load of washing on. My sister and I stepped in (sis was 8) as we had to as dad worked long hours. Mum would get seriously ill every winter with illnesses like bronchitus. She had a double lung transplant almost 3 years ago and while she was recovering in hospital for 6 months, almost dying 3 times, my dad had an affair and he left her within a week of being discharged. Since then my mums battled with depression (I believe for longer; she's always stuggled with self esteem, not to mention the feeling of being a burden on her family). Its hard. Its hard for her and its hard for my sister and I. My sister, who is not very empathetic, has effectively shut out my mothers pain so I feel even more obliged to be there for her. I have times when I cry and cry at the sheer amount of stuff my mum needs to vent and talk about. Some days I feel so overwhelmed that I also shut down and feel cold towards her. Doesn't mean I don't love her, or would not be there for her. Just means that its a heavy burden and sometimes it weighs me down.

I feel for you OP. I feel for your mother, too, as its horrible to be so ill, but that doesn't mean you aren't justified IMO to sometimes feel overwhelmed.

Thank you all so much for your posts - yes I do feel a little overwhelmed at the moment but am sure it will pass. It's really helpful to hear others experience and know I am not the only one with those kinds of feelings and frustrations

MIND have advice for people who have to cope with others suffering from depression.

www.mind.org.uk/help/people_groups_and_communities/how_to_cope_as_a_carer