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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cold towards my depressed mother

54 replies

cazza40 · 29/02/2012 19:31

I am in my early 40s and from at least me being the age of 16 my mother has been depressed. She has taken various medication and seen psychiatrists etc and it is ongoing. I cannot really remember a time when she has been well to be honest. She lives quite near me and when she comes round to see me there are normally tears and a long list from her of things that are wrong in her life and anger towards others who have upset her in some way. My brother has emigrated to nz and he seems to have washed his hands of her and also me and my family. He told me years ago that he was fed up with her - he phones her maybe twice a year even when I begged him to make one 5 minute phone call a week just to make my life easier he could not be bothered to. My father died years ago ( not the reason for her depression _ in fact she seemed almost happy when he died !) I hate feeling cold towards her - maybe its some kind of self preservation Aibu to be like this ?

OP posts:
gethelp · 01/03/2012 09:41

This is really hard OP, and you have my sympathy. You need support and some coping strategies. Hopefully someone here can constructively help you, but one thing I would suggest is finding an outlet for your feelings about her. I have a friend with severe depression and I know how hard it is to go through someone's pain and feelings of hopelessness. It can make you feel guilty for being well, and angry that you can't seem to help.

Hammy02 · 01/03/2012 09:50

YANBU. My mother has had depression on and off throughout my whole life and it is very draining to be around her. It is only as an adult I recognise the massive impact it has had on me. I wish I had the coping mechanisms and the confidence I have now, in my late 30's, when I was younger.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 01/03/2012 09:51

YANBU. My closest friend has something very simelar with her mother, and I see how hard it is for her. She has so many conflicting emotions about the whole thing, and sometimes she can cope with more than at other times. I always tell her that she has every right to protect herself and her own mental health, because she has never had a Mother that will help do any of that for her. You have to do the same. Deal with what you can, but don't feel guilty about putting yourself first. There is only so much you can do anyway, and there is no sense in letting one persons mental illness destroy two people.

Hammy02 · 01/03/2012 09:56

kitchenroll exactly. If someone cuts someone out of their life to protect themselves, that doesn't make them a bad person.

Tee2072 · 01/03/2012 09:57

As a depressive and a mother I am trying very very hard to never make my son feel the way you, and so many others, feel.

Yes, it's an illness. But it's treatable and as a parent I have an obligation to not let my illness affect my son's life. I have help in place, just as I would if I had cancer.

YANBU and I'm sorry your mother lets her illness control her life.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/03/2012 10:02

I think you brother should do more. Its not as though he has to deal with your mum on a daily basis as he lives so far away. I know it can be hard to deal with someone who has been ill for a long time but cutting her off which he is practically doing, is harsh and extreme.

Even if he just sent letters and pics that would be something. He does sound very self centered. I would expect that reaction if your mum had abused him, not because she is sick.

What was your dad like? I agree that there is a chance that he treated your mother badly. She may have other bad experiences that have affected her. It doesn't really matter though. We should be just as understanding if the depression has no particular cause as if it has.

Hammy02 · 01/03/2012 10:04

My mum tried her best to shield me and my siblings from her depression but her lack of confidence and negativity has been passed to us despite this. My brother is on anti-depressants and I struggle with alcoholism. She blames herself for this so it is just goes round in circles.

mrshess · 01/03/2012 10:05

Sorry i think YABU, depression is an illness, would you be this cold towards her if she had alzheimers and that was affecting your life just as much?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/03/2012 12:16

YANBU - depression is very emotionally draining for everyone. You have been living under its shadow for so long you are bound to feel like that!

Fulhamup · 01/03/2012 12:23

YANBU. This is an understandable defence mechanism at work. Dealing with depressives in very debilitating and they cannot usually see the world through any lens other than their own needs. Depression is a devastating illness but you cannot be expected to nurse her forever and as a doctor she will know this.

YusMilady · 01/03/2012 12:29

YANBU - yet another one with a depressed mother here. Look after yourself OP.

OrmIrian · 01/03/2012 12:29

You can't help the way you feel. If you honestly feel that way I'd keep away. She can't be any worse off than she is with someone who resents her.

fotheringhay · 01/03/2012 13:01

Hope you are ok today cazza

Original poster
cazza40 · 01/03/2012 14:25

Feeling better and quite reflective on my childhood just hoping I can be a good mum to my dds

OP posts:
JosieZ · 01/03/2012 16:22

It's the utter selfishness of those with these illnesses that gets me.
I know someone like this and she just takes it out on those closest to her, nothing is her fault, in her view it's all caused by the way others treat her which apparently entitiles her to behave as horribly and selfishly as she wants. And the vague threats of suicide mean they can't walk away.

GP says he can do nothing if she won't help herself!

They need to set some really firm boundaries but don't seem able to.

OrmIrian · 01/03/2012 16:27

"It's the utter selfishness of those with these illnesses that gets me."

Wow, just wow!

I am beginning to wonder why I went to the GP in the first place. I might as well have jumped off the mway bridge when I wanted to. Got rid of my self along with my horrible selfish illness Sad

ComposHat · 01/03/2012 16:28

YANBU

I suffered from depression for much of my early 20s. It was an emotionally draining experience for those who had to live with me. I can't blame them for feeling cold

It was pretty much the only thing I could think about, it consuming everything nice and good about me, turned me into myself, it was all I could talk or think about. It is a selfish illness.

Proudnscary · 01/03/2012 16:30

Really feel for you, you are not being unreasonable Sad

Wibbly - I don't think her brother's (necessarily) being a knob. He has literally ran away as far around the world as he could because he can't deal with the situation anymore either.

Depression is a dreadful, dreadful thing but it does rob children of their parents. Both my parents were depressed for many years and they didn't put us first. However sad and awful they felt (I have huge sympathy), in the end you reap what you sow. And OP's brother probably feels like he lost or devoted his life to depression and the last half of his life is for him.

JosieZ · 01/03/2012 16:36

OrmIrian, well the person I am talking about is running her DC into the ground. All her friends/xs and own family have given up and stay away.

But that's ok because she has the illness and he has not?

OrmIrian · 01/03/2012 16:42

I'm sure she is. I just wish people could stop taking in terms of selfishness. Depression does not make you selfish, depression makes you ill. You don't choose to be depressed. You can choose how to respond to it but sometimes you have no control.

Mollydoggerson · 01/03/2012 16:44

yanbu at all in my opinion.

Hmmm I don't really have any advice. I know I have set boundaries with my parents, I'm not sure what the healthiest thing to do for all of you is. But all I do know is you have to put yourself first and not get dragged down by other people. As harsh as that sounds, it's the truth.

JosieZ · 01/03/2012 16:57

OrmIrian, this person no doubt does not have full control but like say an alcoholic or drug addict they pull everyone around them down too, it's hard to say that they only deserve sympathy when they must see that others' lives are being ruined or seriously affected by their behaviour.
I suppose their condition blinkers them somehow but personally think that there is a time when the others need to make a break and leave them to it or at least make firm boundaries.

PamPerdbrat · 01/03/2012 17:04

I've had depression, and it is a self centred illness. It just is. It doesn't make you a bad person! It's just the way of it, I think.

OrmIrian · 01/03/2012 17:06

I agree josie. Which is the advice I gave to the OP. But I wish we could do away with all the judgement around this condition. No-one wants to be depressed - it's shit.

JosieZ · 01/03/2012 17:50

Glad we agree. Depression is no fun.