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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel suffocated and pretty sad?

67 replies

mad4 · 29/02/2012 11:30

ok so im moaning I guess, but does everyone feel like this?

I love my DC but im just feeling that everything that made me the person I was has been sacrificed.
my hobbies have had to change, im tied to the house to keep naptimes etc. i feel guilty when ever i leave either DC with someone else, feel guitly going for a run, feel guilty going to work etc.

its just come to a head today as i was due to go on a course for work that i was really looking forward to, a day away and a subject im really intrested in, i had arranged my parents to care for DC as DH didnt want the "hassle" Hmm of dealing with getting them up and breakfasted.
but DS was poorly in the night and only mummy would do, so i didnt go on my course but stayed home with him. DH would not entertain the idea of caring for sick children.

by 8am he said " i feel better now mum, can i go and play?" of course its now too late to leave him with parents as planned as course is a 2 hr drive away.
he is now fine, playing and moaning about not being at school. im gutted at missing the course and worried that my work will want me to repay the fees as i didnt attend.

Gah!! kids......I know they cant help it, but surely im not unreasonable in having a little moan....and yearning for the simple, predictable, pre DC days!

OP posts:
earthpixie · 29/02/2012 11:34

No. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. i'd be gutted too. Why couldn't your DH look after the DC, if this course was important to you (and work?

Callisto · 29/02/2012 11:36

YANBU to feel disappointed about the course, but YABU to let your husband off all of his responsibilities as a parent. It sounds like you are doing all of the work and making all of the compromises while your husband does sod all. Sort that aspect out and you might feel better about the rest.

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 29/02/2012 11:38

SOunds like you need to crack the whip with DH, he isn't pulling his weight. It'll only make you feel worse if you continue this way.

I am sad for you that you missed your course Sad. You are a person with person's rights too!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 29/02/2012 11:40

Your problem lies with your DH, not the fact you have kids. He needs to pull his socks up and you both need to work out a strategy so you still have time for your hobbies.

desperatenotstupid · 29/02/2012 11:43

Its not the kids that are the problem here, it is your selfish twat of a DH, didnt want the "hassle" of breakfast - is he some sort of idiot that he can't put some cornflakes in a bowl or make some toast. Can he not get a small child dressed? What do you see in him, he sounds positively useless

Original poster
mad4 · 29/02/2012 11:45

thanks, i was kinda fearing you would all say "man up an deal with it you moaner!" but i do feel better knowing im not being pathetic.

DH dosent really value the work i do, despite the money being good he thinks the job itself is easy and "soft"
he would not entertain the idea of taking a day off (he is self employed so could actually easily do this) even tho the cost of the course if i have to pay it back will be at least a days wages for him.

you are right, i should crack the whip and he should participate more, but people dont change really do they, he is the man i married. he was brought up in a family where children are not a mans concern once the "making" part is over.

i know there is no solution and its just bad luck but it really does feel nice to have someone who listens (even on the tinternet Smile)

OP posts:
desperatenotstupid · 29/02/2012 11:49

This seriously needs addressing, i don't give a flying fart if my DPs father never changed a nappy, i was adamant that DP was going to do it. I suppose all the cooking and cleaning is your responsibility too, after all your job is "soft". My DP is self employed, a day off equals no money so generally i can see why, under ordinary circs he might not want to do that, but this isnt normal, you had a course to go on for your "soft" course, which might have beefed up your "soft" job. The only thing too soft is your DH.

HuwEdwards · 29/02/2012 11:50

Poor you!

Agree with all the other posters that your DH needs to reset his priorities here. Outrageous that he thinks like that and mind-boggling to me that you accept it.

In our house, both DP and I work and it's a mutual understanding that whoever's entry gets into the diary first for travel, courses, nights out etc., then the other picks up the childcare.

We're both reasonable, neither of us takes the piss - and of course there's always room for discussion if something desperately urgent arises.

Original poster
mad4 · 29/02/2012 11:56

ok i know (crying now Sad)

but he has been like this since the DS was born 5 yrs ago. i am sad about the situation. he does give me some days out (3 -4 times a year) but always makes such a huge fuss of it that i feel guilty about it.

im unhappy in the marriage as i just dont feel valued, the feisty, fun woman he actually married is long gone. i really think he would be happy enough with a housekeeper that he could occasionally shag.

im hoping it will improve as the DC get older and less dependant on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
mad4 · 29/02/2012 11:59

in fairness to him, i didnt even ask him to look after DS today, but i know he would have refused as "he only wants mummy".

but i suppose he should have at least tried.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 29/02/2012 12:01

Your DCs, or being a mummy, aren't the problem. WTF is your 'D'H playing at refusing to look after his own children Angry

valiumredhead · 29/02/2012 12:02

Next time you have something planned, you kiss them both goodbye and leave them to it! It sounds like dh is wriggling out of his parental responsibilities and you are enabling him to so he carries on - easily done, done it myself!

He won't entertain the notion of caring for a sick child atm because he has a choice - remove the choice and he'll have to get on with things.

HuwEdwards · 29/02/2012 12:03

"he does give me some days out (3 -4 times a year)"

That is a desperate statement. You are a grown woman but this makes you sound like a doormat.

desperatenotstupid · 29/02/2012 12:03

Im so sorry mad4, have you told him how you are feeling? Might come as a shock to him, men often need things spelling out - seriously, tell him you are not happy - might just be the encouragement kick up the arse he needs

bejeezus · 29/02/2012 12:05

But 'he only wants mummy' because daddy has never been a comfort in his life, by the sounds of it?

Don't know what to say I'm afraid Sad

Don't you feel resentment towards him? Doesn't it drag you down?

mojitomania · 29/02/2012 12:12

Oh dear op. Time for a big chat with your husband isn't it?

Original poster
mad4 · 29/02/2012 12:15

yup im really sad about it, but i do love DH, i just want us to work together.

i filled in a realtionship survey for OU online yesterday, and i had to stop because i failed 2 answer, state 2 things that your partner does that make you feel valued

Sad

i need to talk to him, but im afraid of what will happen, and a little afraid of what i will say if i get going. i dont have the resources to leave, and i honestly dont want to, i just want it to improve.

OP posts:
upahill · 29/02/2012 12:17

Wow what a DH you have!!!
He doesn't want the hassle of them. He let you miss a course that youreally wanted to do.

You feel guilty if you go for a run, guilty if you go to work!! Shock

I just can't imagine being in that situation ever.

YAsoNBU!!!!

Dh would not entertain the idea of caring for sick children! wtf!!

When ours were small and if they got sick I would try and swop my rota first (because DH like yours is self employed and a day off would be loss of money) but once that was done and we still needed cover absoutly no issue about looking after them, wiping their sick up and changing bedding.

The first course I went on after children was a weekend away orineteering coaching and DS1 was 9 months.

Think things need to change in your house tbh!!

HugeFurryWishingStool · 29/02/2012 12:19

go on, tell us he's a great Dad and a good husband...

HugeFurryWishingStool · 29/02/2012 12:20

Sorry OP, massively cross-posted there, I retract my previous post!

desperatenotstupid · 29/02/2012 12:25

Ok, you love your DH, so he must have redeeming qualities. Dont want to get sucked into a thread that results in a unanimous "leave the bastard" - not yet anyway.

Is he like this because he is a selfish twat?

Is he like it because he is self employed, quite focused on his own job and see's himself under pressure to provide for the family?

Have you always just gone along with the way things are - it is very easy to fall into roles and then it wont even occur to him that he is being selfish.

If he doesnt start doing things with his kids he is going to miss out, big-time.

See, im making it all about him.

What is your job? it is clearly important to you, does he know this?

Afraid of what you might say - understandable, you are upset - write it down, calmly and in a considered way. Tell him how YOU feel, not what you think of him. Do no say "you do......" "you don't do.........." Its never easy to receive criticism, even if its justified, he will just become defensive.

You dont want to leave, you don't have to, but thing do need to change.

TreacleSoda · 29/02/2012 12:26

OK, we've ascertained that you are definitely not whinging about nothing, and that you feel worn down at home.

The thing is, what to do now?

What are your DHs good points? Does he know how you feel? Does he know how you feel about him undervaluing your work? Have you told him? Does he think its good natured banter, and doesn't realise it upsets you? I'm not trying to make excuses for him at all, I'm just trying to look at things from all angles.

Do you think he would be Blush that he was making you feel bad? Or do you think he takes some pleasure in making you feel small, because obviously if he does its a far bigger problem than just lack of communication.

TreacleSoda · 29/02/2012 12:27

X post with desperate there!

desperatenotstupid · 29/02/2012 12:31

great minds treacle!

bejeezus · 29/02/2012 12:31

He needs to stop seeing your job as 'soft'. If you value it, he should to. Does he respect you?

I would be in helluva trouble with work, if I failed to go on training they had paid for. Isn't he jepordising your job? Does he care? What would he say if you list your job?