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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel suffocated and pretty sad?

67 replies

mad4 · 29/02/2012 11:30

ok so im moaning I guess, but does everyone feel like this?

I love my DC but im just feeling that everything that made me the person I was has been sacrificed.
my hobbies have had to change, im tied to the house to keep naptimes etc. i feel guilty when ever i leave either DC with someone else, feel guitly going for a run, feel guilty going to work etc.

its just come to a head today as i was due to go on a course for work that i was really looking forward to, a day away and a subject im really intrested in, i had arranged my parents to care for DC as DH didnt want the "hassle" Hmm of dealing with getting them up and breakfasted.
but DS was poorly in the night and only mummy would do, so i didnt go on my course but stayed home with him. DH would not entertain the idea of caring for sick children.

by 8am he said " i feel better now mum, can i go and play?" of course its now too late to leave him with parents as planned as course is a 2 hr drive away.
he is now fine, playing and moaning about not being at school. im gutted at missing the course and worried that my work will want me to repay the fees as i didnt attend.

Gah!! kids......I know they cant help it, but surely im not unreasonable in having a little moan....and yearning for the simple, predictable, pre DC days!

OP posts:
ReshapeWhileDamp · 29/02/2012 12:36

What were your DH's good points when you married him? Do they still exist?

I agree with the poster up-thread who said she didn't care if her DH's father had never changed a nappy - her DH was bloody well going to do so. I think if you have children with a man, you need that man to accept joint responsibility. You're both working to support the family, so he can't say he's already doing his bit, because you're both doing that. He has to accept that his duties don't end at 5pm, and that raising children is a 24 hour job. If one person only is doing that, then it's without respite. Sad Can you consider relationship counselling? You desperately need to have your work - with the children and out of the house - valued.

As for hobbies and feeling tied down, I feel the same often, but I'm hoping it'll get easier as the DC grow older. How old are yours?

Mumof1plustwins · 29/02/2012 12:36

Wow really feel for you OP, I used to believe my DH would be like this because in the beg. he was. But something has changed over the years and he actually offered to take DTs while I have my hair done! (were talking twins under 1 + 5yr old Dd)
I was quite pleased with him Smile but I know if I asked him why the change he would simple say because he loves me and his children. I know the truth is he was worried about how he would cope but wouldn't admit it.

You definitely need to talk to your DH, maybe he doesn't see how much this is affecting you? I really hope he starts to help you more.

bleedingheart · 29/02/2012 12:46

Did your H want children? Have you always been in a position where you would rather your parents to look after them than ask him? I feel so sad for you that you are too scared to ask your husband and father of your children to step up and be a dad.

I know someone who never asks or suggests her husband do any childcare but struggles to cope. I don't think it even occurs to her to ask him she just accepts that she 'wanted to be a mum, she needs to look after them.' It's so sad.

CailinDana · 29/02/2012 12:59

To answer your original question, I feel suffocated but only on very rare occasions as my DH sees looking after our DS as his duty as well as mine. What worries me is that you are blaming your children for things that are your husband's fault. Why are you doing that?

Original poster
mad4 · 29/02/2012 13:05

yes, whoever said he feels he should do the providing, that exactly right! but sadly he will not reschedule his day to help out, or only under great protest and moaning.

i will always ask my parents rather then ask him to reschedule anything

im a vet nurse - i was before DC - only part time now, i love it, DH calls it "puppy petting" Hmm

we both wanted DC, i wanted to stop after DS as this was his attitude then, but he convinced me to have DD, who i adore but all his promises of helping more, have amounted to not much.

he does collect DD from nursary 1 day a week, play with her for an hour and put the DC to bed if im still not home. currently that is all.... from next week im stepping up my hours as his buisness is struggling and we need the money. so he will have to do this twice a week (he is not particularly pleased)

we do need councelling probably, but havent the finances to pay for it.

OP posts:
Mumof1plustwins · 29/02/2012 13:06

Agree with the last poster, this is in no way your ds' fault! Redirect your anger/resentment to your DH because it's your DHs fault for not stepping up and looking after his son that you missed your course. I feel sorry for your poor DS who probably feels rejected by his dad hence why he only ever calls for mum! Sad

CailinDana · 29/02/2012 13:11

I know this will sound harsh mad4 but you come across as very passive in your posts. Your DH convinced you to have your DD even though you knew he wouldn't be helpful, he totally disrespects your job (which I would imagine can be quite busy, stressful and upsetting at times) and you know his behaviour is shit and yet you're putting the blame on your children, even though it's totally not their fault.

I think it's time to lay down the law with your DH. He is completely taking the piss. And I agree that counselling would be a good idea, although I can't imagine your DH would actually agree to it.

Original poster
mad4 · 29/02/2012 13:12

thanks, you are right, i feel sorry for him too Sad

OP posts:
bejeezus · 29/02/2012 13:19

I was a vet nurse for 16 years. Whilst you may not have ultimate responsibility for the medical decisions, you do a lot of technical and responsible work. GAs, IVs, drug administration, xrays, castrated, sutures, dressings.

Please don't let him belittle you

boschy · 29/02/2012 13:21

Some men find some stages of children much harder to deal with than others. For example, my own DH was not great at nappies but was good at holding crying babies til they calmed; rubbish at toddlers but is great at teenagers. He certainly would not have been good at dealing with vomit or generally poorly small children. So dont despair about his relationship with the DC at this stage.

What is more important is his attitude to your job (and by extension, your self); as he is self-employed and you are not, can you not point out the value of a regular, sustained income which does not fluctuate depending on how much work may or may not come in to him? (Btw, your job is very valuable!! how would practices survive without vet nurses I wonder?)

I think when you are self-employed (which is both of us in this household) it is really really difficult not to focus on work to the exclusion of a lot else; because if you dont accept work you feel you may never get any more, and there is a lot of terror that goes along with that.

I'm not trying to excuse him, because he needs to recognise your value and support you. Maybe you need to sit him down for a proper conversation about your values, what you bring to the partnership, and where you feel under-valued and under-supported? Would he listen to you?

pictish · 29/02/2012 13:24

Sounds to me like your husband is the problem!

From what you are saying, he comes across as a misogynistic pig. No wonder you feel so down! He doesn't give a toss what you want and need, and thinks of your career as an inconvenient hobby!!
He's a crap dad too.

He has GOT to turn it around!!!

pictish · 29/02/2012 13:26

Some men find some stages of children much harder to deal with than others. For example, my own DH was not great at nappies but was good at holding crying babies til they calmed; rubbish at toddlers but is great at teenagers. He certainly would not have been good at dealing with vomit or generally poorly small children. So dont despair about his relationship with the DC at this stage

Could not disagree more. Men are not excused from the bits of parenthood they don't fancy, any more than we women are!! What tosh!!

SmethwickBelle · 29/02/2012 13:29

I think you need to get a wee bit more assertive, maybe you could try Mood Gym ( moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome ) - its an online therapy course where you challenge the way you think about things. It could be just the thing to get your head in the right place to make some changes in the house!

SmethwickBelle · 29/02/2012 13:30

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome Sorry - toddler leant on the return key before I linkyfied it!

PissesGlitter · 29/02/2012 13:30

your job is not soft!! ffs you look after sick animals all day, it must be very emotional at times

you need to address this now or it will only get worse
he wanted children too so he can bloody well help look after them

bejeezus · 29/02/2012 13:31

I agree with pictish he may very well find some stages of childcare difficult. Don't we all! Doesn't mean we get up opt out of parenting our children

boschy · 29/02/2012 13:31

pictish I didnt mean that her DH was 'excused' but simply that because her DS doesnt run to Daddy now does not mean they will never have a good relationship. People change, the balance shifts, sometimes Mum is more in demand than Dad, sometimes Dad is the favoured one...

CailinDana · 29/02/2012 13:33

Sorry boschy I have to agree with pictish that the whole thing about men not being good at different stages is bollocks. It's ok not to be a fan of small children/teenagers but that doesn't give you the right to just back out of caring for them. If you're a parent you have a duty to look after your children no matter what stage they're at. It pisses me off supremely that it only seems to be men who get to pick and choose what they want to do with children, while women have to do the grunt work no matter what.

cutegorilla · 29/02/2012 13:34

To be fair some women find different stages hard too! My DH is better at engaging small children in activities than I am, I'm better at comforting a crying baby than he is. Stands to reason different people will bring different skills. But that is no excuse for opting out of parenting altogether. I cannot imagine that in that situation my DH would not have automatically offered to care for the kids. Even the baby (that he struggles with). It's part of being in a partnership. It seems terribly sad to spend your life hoping that time will make things better, when it might not. All that time you are wishing away is your DCs childhood. OP your DH needs a good kick up the behind!

dancingonthinice · 29/02/2012 13:35

YANBU. The issue is with your h not your son.

boschy · 29/02/2012 13:38

oh well, maybe I'm just soft... but I know that our respective parenting roles have changed just as much as the DC have changed over the last almost 16 years.

otoh, if I was meant to be on a work course my DH would have stepped up (despite not being good with sick - as if I am?!) so the real issue for the OP is not so much the childcare on that particular day as the lack of respect for her career, the effort she's put in to get there, and the effort she sustains to maintain it. and her DP's attitude seems to spill over into the rest of their lives.

Ephiny · 29/02/2012 13:38

Absolutely agree that your biggest problem is your DH, not your children. Your DS is just being a normal kid, these things happen.

Here is your problem:

"DH didnt want the "hassle" of dealing with getting them up and breakfasted"

"DH would not entertain the idea of caring for sick children"

Sorry, but he is a parent, by choice - and these things are just part of being a parent. He doesn't get to just opt out of them because he's dad and not mum! What would happen if you just decided one day you didn't want the 'hassle' of looking after your own children?

Doesn't sound like he has much respect for you or your career.

Make sure you're not being a martyr though. No need to feel guilty about going to work (I'm sure your DH doesn't!), or having someone babysit. Yes it's inevitable that you'll have less time for hobbies and going out when you've got small children, but you shouldn't be the one making all the sacrifices while he pleases himself.

Don't ever frame it in terms of asking him to 'help out'. The children are equally his responsibility - and especially as you're both working, it's as much his responsibility as yours to arrange childcare, get them up/dressed/fed in the morning, take time off when they're ill etc.

bejeezus · 29/02/2012 13:56

If you feel suffocated, sad and guilty all the time; you get no support from your partner, he belittles your job, you only go out 4 times a year, you do all the childcare and probably housework and work part time...

Do you think you might be depressed? It wouldn't be suprising

Original poster
mad4 · 29/02/2012 14:07

yes bejeezus im beginnning to feel depression may be an issue, although when i get time to run it really does help.

im going to have a look at the link belle
you are all right, but i dont blame the DC, im just sad that being part of a family is not what i thought it would be, but only i can make it change, if i continue to do what i hve always done, things will be the way they always have.

i should have asked DH to care for DS today, he should also have offered.
communication is a big problem between us.

once DC are in bed tonight i think i will ask why he didnt offer?

OP posts:
LordLurkin · 29/02/2012 14:11

OP - Your DH needs to seriously shape up. There is no excuse for his failing to step in to care for his own children. He took part in creating them and was insistent on having a second child for gods sake.

His lack of respect for your job is a lack of respect to you directly. And his lack of respect for your needs and the needs of his children is downright bloody shocking.

I was raised in a household where it was a woman's role to deal with home and children. But soon dropped that attitude when I moved out of home and moved in with the woman who is now my wife. In no way does his upbringing excuse his responsibilities as a parent, or his responsibilities to you as his wife and supposed life partner.

Try and avoid blaming your children for the shortcomings of your husband. They are in no way responsible and I don't envy them living in a house where is probably feels that their father wants little to do with them (yes I probably am projecting there but that is how growing up in an enviroment like that felt to me). I can understand how depressed this could make you feel and wish you nothing but the best of luck and support with this.