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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel suffocated and pretty sad?

67 replies

mad4 · 29/02/2012 11:30

ok so im moaning I guess, but does everyone feel like this?

I love my DC but im just feeling that everything that made me the person I was has been sacrificed.
my hobbies have had to change, im tied to the house to keep naptimes etc. i feel guilty when ever i leave either DC with someone else, feel guitly going for a run, feel guilty going to work etc.

its just come to a head today as i was due to go on a course for work that i was really looking forward to, a day away and a subject im really intrested in, i had arranged my parents to care for DC as DH didnt want the "hassle" of dealing with getting them up and breakfasted.
but DS was poorly in the night and only mummy would do, so i didnt go on my course but stayed home with him. DH would not entertain the idea of caring for sick children.

by 8am he said " i feel better now mum, can i go and play?" of course its now too late to leave him with parents as planned as course is a 2 hr drive away.
he is now fine, playing and moaning about not being at school. im gutted at missing the course and worried that my work will want me to repay the fees as i didnt attend.

Gah!! kids......I know they cant help it, but surely im not unreasonable in having a little moan....and yearning for the simple, predictable, pre DC days!

OP posts:

bejeezus · 29/02/2012 14:20

I may be flamed for this, but...

It could be said that he is emotionally abusing you; your emotional needs are being completely ignored

See how your chat goes tonight. There is a very good support thread in the relationship section. Have a look at the links at the beginning, see if any of it rings true

CailinDana · 29/02/2012 14:24

I think it would be a good idea to ask him about why he didn't offer. But try to approach it in a non-confrontational way so that he can't turn it into a fight. So perhaps say something like "I was really disappointed that I couldn't go to the course today," and see what his response is. If he tries to divert it into other things, just say "that's not what we're talking about at the moment, we can talk about that later if you like, for the time being we're talking about the course." Basically you need to get him to understand that you're really unhappy with how things are and that if he doesn't step up to his responsibilities things are going to get worse.

snowmummy · 29/02/2012 14:28

Just to echo what others have said, I think your DH was really mean to not look after your poorly DC and thus prevent you going on a course you really wanted to attend. He also needs to have some respect for you and the work you do both out of and in the home.

Original poster

mad4 · 29/02/2012 14:51

thanks cailindana i shall do just that

look for me in the relationships section if it all goes wrong.....

thank you everyone for your advice

OP posts:

bejeezus · 29/02/2012 15:04

Maybe go to the GP if you feel you need help with depression

You should add in to the chat tonight-how important running is tour you, for your mental health and happiness. He should be onside in making regular time for you to do it

Come back tomorrow and let us know how it went

desperatenotstupid · 29/02/2012 15:11

mad4 LMAO at puppy petting - what a knobhead - i used to be a vet nurse too, i'd like to see him clear up shite, sick and blood. Deal with distressed owners, treat beligerant animals/owners, anaesthesia, surgery, etc etc - he can't even deal with a sickly child! And he has the cheek to call it a soft job

bejeezus · 29/02/2012 15:21

Ha! Good point desperate

Angry owners, inside out cats, aggressive dogs vs sickly child!

MummytoKatie · 29/02/2012 15:42

One thing I've found with my h (and I suspect is true for many men) is that they are a bit rubbish at realising the s@dding obvious. (Example that comes tomind is that no it wasn't "fine" when dd was teething so I hadn't slept more than 2 hours a night for weeks. I was just too exhausted to make suggestions as to what he should do and needed him to come up with stuff on his own - sorry - mini rant there!)

You need to tell him what he needs to do and why.

Can you look after ds today?
He wants you!
I know but it's that course and if I miss it I'll have to for it and it's £xxx which we can't afford.
But I need to work.
Can you shift stuff around a bit. If he gets a bit better you can always drop him at my parents.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 29/02/2012 15:59

Your

Knobber

and worse, a knobber who can't even manage to care for his own kids.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 29/02/2012 16:00

SORRY.

That was a bit harsh. It wasn't meant to be. Well, it was to him.

He won't entertain the idea of looking after HIS OWN sick kids?

!!!

I think you need to start thinking hard. Oh, and the 'man you married' can always be unmarried. Which, if they're a complete and utter waste of skin, often turns out to make life easier and smoother.

PooPooInMyToes · 29/02/2012 16:10

The problem here is quite clearly not kids but your dh.

Will actually read rest of thread now as only got as far as the end of the op and felt the need to comment! Hopefully will find that you actually realise your dh is a arse!

pacifist · 29/02/2012 16:15

You remind me very much of my DH and me 12 years ago. I didn't address his behaviour and now i am in a completely loveless marriage. Also, my career path is hopelessly compromised as I was the one who always had to be home on time, couldn't attend out of hours courses, took sickies when the DC were sick etc. Don't make my mistakes. Sadly, I think DH would have valued me MORE had I valued myself and insisted he help and explained how my career was important, at least to me, even if not the "main" job in the house. After 15 or so years of not being valued, i found myself fall out of love with this man who cared only about his own life and didn't stop to consider mine. It's silly because he too probably thought he was doing the right thing by earning as much money as possible. I suspect we will separate when the children leave home (soon). It all seems so avoidable and I wish I was back where you are now, where you can make a difference. Yes, it might seem hard to call your DH on his behaviour when you believe he loves you and the DC in his own way, but NOT calling him on it will ultimately be worse.

Good luck, it's not too late (but will be soon).

PooPooInMyToes · 29/02/2012 16:20

He's a caveman. There's not much more to say really . . . except why did you decide to marry him?

MichaelaS · 29/02/2012 16:20

Good luck with your chat tonight - I hope it goes well. At best he is just a bit (a lot) ignorant and hasn't gone out of his way to find out what your needs and feelings are - and that could change.

At worst, if he refuses to budge and thinks it should be your job to look after the children and give up on your "puppy petting" hobby then 1) he needs to provide financially better so stopping work is an option and 2) given the lack of respect for you there is no need for him to be living in the same house as the rest of you whilst he is doing 1).

I am really really not an advocate for divorce, but I do believe in mutual respect and shared responsibility for household tasks however you divide that up (both do everything or one works whilst one looks after home & family or mixture of the two). When this hasn't been working for a long time then perhaps a big shock is needed to force the issue one way or the other.

captainmummy · 29/02/2012 16:52

My ex-H was like yours,pacifist - if I needed help with our 3,it was always the wrong time (end of month/quarter/year) or some such. Having said that, if he was there, he would change nappies and do bedtimes. In fact I remember having a friend over for coffee when he came home from work. I asked if he could change ds1 nappy, and my friend was literally open-mouthed. Does he really change stinky nappies, she asked, because her DP would literally be sick. She left him shortly afterwards, on the grounds that her life would be infinitely easier without a lazy lump in the way.

JustAnother · 29/02/2012 17:03

that man is a prick and he's treating you like a door mat. I hope you do something to change this situation before it is too late.

babybythesea · 29/02/2012 17:56

My DH also grew up in a home where blokes didn't do much with their kids until the kids were old enough to bait their own fishing line. And they certainly didn't do housework. Women could earn to help finances, but it definitely was not a two-way street.

He tried to start off like that (with housework, pre-kids). We had a couple of rows and then I ended up (in bed one night, lights out - he finds talking hard and it seems to be easier if he can't see me!) telling him that I felt completely under-valued, and not respected. He genuinely hadn't thought about it. He even said 'But my mum did these things for me' which lead me to point out some other key differences between one's mother and one's lover and suggested that if I was to take the mother role than other areas of a normal marriage could be sacrificed! So first step was to realise that I didn't enjoy it and was majorly unhappy with it all.

Didn't change stuff over night, obviously. DD arrived and he tried to wiggle out of stuff - well, I was on maternity leave you see, so clearly I needed stuff to do to fill my time when he was at work, and when he came home, because I'd done nothing all day it didn't matter if he chilled out while I kept going. Again, after a few 'discussions' I ended up asking what he wanted from fatherhood. I told him I idolised my dad - did he want the same from his dd? Yes, he did. So I pointed out he had to be there to earn it, otherwise she'd view him the same way he viewed his dad - there, but not all that important in day-to-day life. And lots of reassurance that I had to learn how to look after her - it wasn't instinctive, and so he could learn to but he had to give it a go.

It resurfaces regularly and I don't think we will ever permanently resolve it but I talk to him and I always approach it with the 'This is how I feel' angle. And if needed, stop doing some things (washing his uniform, for example - I have so much else on my plate because he's not helping I can't do that as well - not my fault if he has dirty uniform!) I do try not to make it all about him but about me and why I should be with someone who makes my life so valueless. Don't know if that's come out right but hope it all goes well.

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