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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to be able to forgive my Sister In-Law

58 replies

nixie002 · 28/02/2012 08:08

After more than 3 years of battling infertility, I am now delighted to be pregnant with my first child.

I don't think the nightmares of what we dealt with will ever really leave us, but it just makes us appreciate what we have even more, so that's okay.

There's just one thing I can't seem to move on from, and I don't know why...

Recently, I had the last in a series of operations aimed at saving my fertility and relieving the pain that I was in. This was the biggy - really high risk in terms of possible complications and I could have lost both ovaries. As you can imagine, this was a really difficult time for us, and very emotional, so to this day I still can't understand why my SIL chose to announce her pregnancy the day before I went into hospital. It felt so malicious and like she was trying to rub it in our faces.

If I think logically, I know she wouldn't have done it on purpose. She probably just didn't realise that was the day, so I'm sure I'm being unreasonable, but I feel she should have been more sensitive. If she didn't know about our op, she certainly knew we were dealing with infertility and if she'd only asked a parent perhaps, she would have known that we needed a couple of days to get through that before her announcement. Then we could have celebrated with her - rather than feeling punched in the stomach!

I want to move on, because I've always loved my SIL and always tried really hard to be closer to her. But right now, I just feel uncomfortable around her, and quite sad really.

OP posts:

Blx2thelotofem · 28/02/2012 08:10

As much as I love a SIL-bashing thread, I think you are being a tad unreasonable. What do you expect her to do, just not tell anyone until the baby was born?

Gigondas · 28/02/2012 08:11

Yabu - I am very sorry for all you have been through and congrats on your pregnancy but I do think yabu to think your sil would hold off on her news.

Would there ever have been a good time to tell you? You would probably still have felt wiped out by it it had told you post op. I am afraid one of hardest things about fertility issues is handling the unfairness of it esp when hear others good news.

Tee2072 · 28/02/2012 08:13

I have to say, I also think you are being a bit unreasonable. If your SIL is like most people, she waited for the first scan to tell people. And, if she is like most people, as soon as that scan was done, she was on the phone telling people she was pregnant.

People are selfish. I doubt she was thinking about you at all. Just about her news.

JamRagRolyPoly · 28/02/2012 08:13

Yanbu. She could have waited. Seems very insensitive IMO.

Try not to let this consume you too much. Concentrate on you and your baby.

Congratulations!!

takingiteasy · 28/02/2012 08:13

Sorry I think you are BU. The whole world can't stop reproducing and being happy about it just because you're having issues.

Did or does she realise the extent of your problems?

hermionestranger · 28/02/2012 08:14

YABU and you aren't being U at the same time.

When we were struggling to conceive ds1 every time someone close announced their pregnancy I took it as a personal insult. It was all the hormones making me feel crazy and out of step with the res of the world.

Your SIL would have been so wrapped up in her in world that she has forgotten about others and that's ok, you are in your world and doing the same thing. That's also ok.

I doubt she announced it to be malicious he simply wasn't thinking but you need to put it behind you and move on, your children will be cousins and you want then to grow up together and make lots of memories together I'm sure.

Huge congratulations to you and your dp.

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 08:14

guess she was just excited I made the mistake on my first pregnancy of telling Mum first and friend then hubby oooh not good but they were there in the flesh !! enjoy your pregnancy and your kids playing together and relax well done

firsttime002 · 28/02/2012 08:17

Makes sense - sometimes I think you need someone to tell you to get a grip, and she's a really nice person. Not nasty at all.

I guess I felt that a couple of days either side of our op would have meant we could chat to her about it and share in the good news, but when you deal with these things I think it makes you hyper-sensitive to them and sometimes you lose the plot.

Think that's probably what's happened to me. :)

CaveMum · 28/02/2012 08:17

I'm also currently dealing with infertility so understand where you are coming from. However, if your SIL didn't know about the operation then YABU.

As painful as it is for us, we can't expect everyone else to stop getting pregnant/announcing pregnancies.
If your operation had, god forbid, failed would you have expected her to keep quiet about her pregnancy?

It is so hard when you are dealing with infertility, I know I feel like everyone around me is currently falling pregnant at the drop of a hat and many an evening I sit at home sobbing, but I know I can't expect the world to stop turning for me.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 28/02/2012 08:17

Forgiveness is a difficult thing, you want to be able to do it but it can be so hard to do when you are still able to completely feel what you felt at the time it happened. If you don't forgive her though, it will be you it hurts the most, even though it will still be difficult for others.

I think YAB a little U to think she shouldn't have told anyone about her pregnancy, and I think if you are honest with yourself you know it would have hurt whenever she said it. Maybe her timing could have been better but it still would have hurt.

No one can stop you feeling like you can't forgive, it's too personal for that, but you do have to do your best to al least forget, and I expect your wonderful pregnancy will be able to help with that.

ovenchips · 28/02/2012 08:24

Congratulations on your pregnancy. That is wonderful news.

If you've always loved your SIL then there's no reason to think there was anything deliberately hurtful about her actions. The timing would feel very painful to you but not necessarily to others. You may not be able to forgive but I would really try not to dwell on this and concentrate on the good relationship you generally have.

Having a baby at a similar time could be a fantastic support to you both.

firsttime002 · 28/02/2012 08:27

Hi takingiteasy,

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her and really excited to be an Aunty. I don't expect the world to revolve around me - in 3 years she certainly wasn't the first person we were close to, who had this news to share. It was just the timing that affected us so much - particularly as we'd made no secret of our infertility. I need my family - so to keep them all informed of what we were going through meant we had people close who we could talk to when it got tough.

I think you're all right. I am being unreasonable, and I think the reference to hormones is probably about right too. At the time I was having so many problems and so concerned with what I was experiencing maybe I just didn't process it right.

I guess that if this same thing happened to a friend, I would tell them to move on and that's what I should do. I want our children to have a friendship and that's not going to happen if I block it.

Maybe I should reach out to her and try to get back on track. I just hope it's not too late. Although I've not really told her how I felt (and I don't intend to) I'm sure she probably realises that the relationship had become distant the same was I did.

firsttime002 · 28/02/2012 08:31

Thanks everyone. I needed that!

I mustn't forget what a wonderful thing is happening now. All the rubbish we went through is behind us now and when I'm sensible I know that no reasonable person would want to hurt us intentionally.

And you're right - it probably would have stung a bit whenever we got the news.

Wow! I should have come here ages ago. Would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

ajandjjmum · 28/02/2012 08:32

I think she was certainly pretty insensitive if she knew you were having surgery - it wouldn't have hurt her to wait for a week.

Congrats on your pregnancy

roguepixie · 28/02/2012 08:35

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think you have a foot on either side of the YABU/YANBU divide. YABU because whatever your fertility problems there will always be women around you becoming pregnant. (I say this as someone who went through many years of infertility and associated treatments). Also, you SIL may have shown extremely poor timing and insensitivity but hormones and excitment make us do things and say things that would, at other times, leave us like this . She may have just been so over the top with joy that she didn't think about your situation. On the other side of things, YANBU because you would expect someone that close to you to be more understanding and aware. I truly do understand the pain associated with infertility.

As mentioned above I think you need to see your SIL's actions as poor timing and motivated by a lack of thought (not through maliciousness). Concentrate on your own good news and don't dwell on what can't be changed. She was insensitive - let it go at that. Be happy for your own situation now and enjoy your pregnancy. Again, congratulations on your very happy news .

wigglesrock · 28/02/2012 08:36

Its very difficult but what timing would have been better? How would you have felt had your operation not been a success and she had have announced her pregnancy a week or so after that? Perhaps she needed some support.

Its a horrible feeling, my sil announced her pregnancy after I had been trying for years, I felt so horrible and wailed to my husband "but she doesn't even like children" , thankfully we both went on to have children but I'll never forget the feeling of irrational unfairness of it all.

Congratulations by the way.

HomemadeCakes · 28/02/2012 08:42

It's very very difficult but I agree with the other posters that maybe she wouldn't have known when the time would have been right. As someone else has said, if your operation hadn't gone well, she would have felt even worse announcing her PG and would maybe have even felt guilty about being happy about it.

Congratulations though and I hope everything goes well for you. Don't let this damage your relationship with your SIL, you only have to read threads on here to know that sometimes those relationships are a little strained, so to have been previously close to her as you say you were, it would be a shame to lose that. Especially when you are now PG yourself and can talk about PG ups and downs together! Enjoy your PG.

post · 28/02/2012 08:53

I was your SIL, pretty much, a few years ago. I knew my friend had been trying to conceive, I did worry about telling her I was pregnant, I chose how and when I told her- and with the benefit of hindsight I got it completely wrong. And I've never thought of myself as insensitive, but I judged it so, so badly, right down to the fact that I kept banging on about how fast I'd conceived, in my mind so that she'd understand that as I was getting older I didn't want to wait, and I never expected it to happen so quickly, but I just cringe looking back on it.

Luckily she now has two lovely dcs, it's all a long time ago, and we're good, but there was honestly no bad intention or even thoughtlessness, I just really got it wrong. I've learned a lot from mn, I just didn't know then.

candidcarly · 28/02/2012 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArielNonBio · 28/02/2012 08:58

I completely feel for you and totally understand why you feel as you do towards your SIL.

Unfortunately though, when we are infertile, we tend to take as slights things which really weren't intended as such, and feel that the whole world is against us. You SIL is thoughtless, but probably not malicious. I imagine when you are pregnant that's all you can think about.

I hope your pregnancy goes well.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 28/02/2012 09:42

It sounds from your OP as if there's a chance she didn't even know you were having the op that day - am I wrong there?

If that's the case, really you need to move on. If you know she would not have meant to be malicious, you should really let this go. The nicest people can make the most thoughtless gaffes... it's the intent that matters!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!!

LilacWaltz · 28/02/2012 09:48

Look, you say it was a big op which could have resulted in loss of both ovaries..... Can you imagine her pregnancy announcement if THAT had happened? Poor woman can't do right for doing wrong!

CervixWithASmile · 28/02/2012 09:49

Maybe she told you before because she was worried that it was worse to tell you afterwards if the surgery wasn't successful. Maybe she thought it was more respectful to you be honest with you than for you to find out she'd been holding back?

LilacWaltz · 28/02/2012 09:50

So you say you are unable to forgive her..... Where does that leave you all now?

Forrestgump · 28/02/2012 09:52

there may of been no right time to announce thier news. Things could of been very different for you both. So congratulations to you, and to her.

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