Not to be able to forgive my Sister In-Law

[nixie002]

After more than 3 years of battling infertility, I am now delighted to be pregnant with my first child.

I don't think the nightmares of what we dealt with will ever really leave us, but it just makes us appreciate what we have even more, so that's okay.

There's just one thing I can't seem to move on from, and I don't know why...

Recently, I had the last in a series of operations aimed at saving my fertility and relieving the pain that I was in. This was the biggy - really high risk in terms of possible complications and I could have lost both ovaries. As you can imagine, this was a really difficult time for us, and very emotional, so to this day I still can't understand why my SIL chose to announce her pregnancy the day before I went into hospital. It felt so malicious and like she was trying to rub it in our faces.

If I think logically, I know she wouldn't have done it on purpose. She probably just didn't realise that was the day, so I'm sure I'm being unreasonable, but I feel she should have been more sensitive. If she didn't know about our op, she certainly knew we were dealing with infertility and if she'd only asked a parent perhaps, she would have known that we needed a couple of days to get through that before her announcement. Then we could have celebrated with her - rather than feeling punched in the stomach!

I want to move on, because I've always loved my SIL and always tried really hard to be closer to her. But right now, I just feel uncomfortable around her, and quite sad really.

Hi firsttime
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy :)

I think reaching out to your SIL would be a great idea especially as it sounds like you had a good relationship with her. As others have said yanbu to feel as you do but your SIL was not bu either. She didnt get pregnant to hurt you and although for you the timing could have been better there's not much she could have done about that either (would you have preferred she didn't say anything and you just saw her with a bump?)

Maybe it would help you to hear my SIL story. It's the other way round to yours I am the SIL who got pregnant. When I got pregnant my DH and I knew that telling my SIL would be hard, she has fertility probs and we were worried about upsetting her. We waited like most people until after our 12 week scan before saying anything then my DH met her on his own so she didn't have to face me as she found out. We made sure she was one of the first to know so no one srung it on her accidentally. We then gave her plenty of space.

Throughout my pregnancy she basically pretended it wasn't happening, she never asked about my DS or me and we had a few scary scans which she was aware of. Even when we saw her the few times I was the size of a house she ignored it.

She did come and see DS when he was born but my PIL were staying with her so it would have looked weird if she didn't, she sent flowers too. She also saw him when he was a couple of months old over Christmas and every time he cried her response was to say 'oh waaaa' in a really sarcastic tone.
DS is now 4 months and she hasn't seen him since or asked after him dispite the fact he is going into hospital for an op soon.

I was never very close to my SIL but we got along, now I'm actually starting to dislike her. I get that it must be hard for her but I feel she is cutting her nose to spite her face, she could have a wonderful relationship with her nephew, instead if it was up to me I'd never let her near any of us again. I won't say this of course because it would hurt my DH but she has some serious bridge building to do if she ever gets her head out her ass long enough to realise what she's missing.

Sorry that was longer than I thought it would be! but yes do reach out to SIL share your pregnancies and babies you will be glad of the support and so will she.

When I went through infertility (4 years) the thing that hurt me most was people NOT telling me they were pregnant. Or not including me in the news or telling me in a special way with emails like ' I know this is the last thing you want to hear'. I HATED that. It made me feel like I was considered a bad spirit who wished ill on everyone's happiness. One close friend even chose not to invite me to her babyshower- even though EVERYONE else was invited. Her logic was that it was 'rubbing my face in it'. It was awful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

I'm sorry but I agree with the posters who have said YABabitU. I have relatives who are unable to have children, and I agonised over when to tell them I was pregnant. Maybe your SIL felt the same, but came to the same conclusion we did (if she didn't know about the operation): that there's really no ideal time, so you just have to do it whenever, and hope they're ok with it.

If she had done it maliciously then I'd understand your never being able to forgive her, but you admit that that's not the case. So at worst she's just been a bit thoughtless, nothing more. I also think YABU expecting her to ask your parents before telling you; if she had no idea about the op, why would it even cross her mind to ask?

I think you are being a bit unfair to never forgive her. You say your operation carried a high risk of resulting in loss of fertility - so she if she knew about the op, she would be reasonable to think it was actually better she tell you beforehand than potentially have to tell you after you have just found out you definately cannot have children.

You can be annoyed with her though for not communicating any understanding of the fact the news might be difficult for you to hear (she may have thought it but not communicated it, or it may have not occured to her at all). I say annoyed (and temporarily so), rather than never forgiving her! Some people just don't understand, lucky them to have not been in that situation.

When I got pregnant with DC1 my Dsis was on her first round of IVF (having been told there was only a tiny chance of it working). I didn't want to have to tell her I was pregnant just after she had found out her IVF had not worked, I thought it better to tell her before she found out if the egg had taken or not. So I rang her to tell her, but didn't, as I found her in an emotional mess. Amazingly, miraculously, she got pregnant, and I was able to tell her I was too after she rang to tell me her fantastic news. Phew! It would have been a very very difficult situation otherwise.

Congratulations to you, I hope you can start enjoying being pregnant, and sharing your joy with your SIL, without looking back on the difficulties you had getting there.

nixie002/ firsttime002 Did you namechange half way through the thread? :o Good luck with your pregnancy!

I can imagine what 3 years of infertility must have been like, Congrats to you now.

However you're not the first woman pregnant YABU.

I did name change part way through.- sorry for the confusion guys.

I just want to thank you all for your messages. Every one. I have spoken in confidence to some close friends, but they have basically told me what they think I want to hear (lots of agreeing and feeling sorry for me), rather than what I need to hear which is that I need to stop being so silly and move on. It's a wonderful thing that's happening for both of us.

I know I really benefitted from having a close relationship with aunties and uncles and I want that for my baby. I've made the first step just now by contacting my SIL to share my excitement about her pregnancy and ask her advice. I hope this is the first step towards putting things right.

Thanks again :)

Massive congrats!!!

But yes, I think you know you are being a bit unreasonable.....

My best friend is going through similar. She says she HATES people tiptoeing round her and not saying they are pregnant etc, despite it being painful.

Now that you are pregnant, you too will know how exciting it is... I expect your SIL was just really pleased and excited and, as much as she felt bad for you, why should she have to hide that?

My firend's SIL had a baby just a very few days after she (my friend) had a miscarriage. Out of fear of upsetting her, she wasn't told (by her parents in law) that the baby had been born until a couple of weeks after the event . She was appalled that the wonder and joy of a child had been swept under the rug as a result of fear of upsetting her. She was upset anyway and, frankly, that was becasue of the baby she lost, not really becasue of anyone else, even though that made it more acute... is this making sense?

Honestly - let it go. Focus on your happiness now, and hers! You know if she would have meant anything malicious - if you think not, forgive!

Just read your update - well done!

Yanbu, my sil battled with infertility for years and eventually got pregnant through ivf, I also got pregnant within days of her naturally and was still concerned about her feelings even though we don't particularly get on.

I felt it wasn't fair as she had waited so long to be able to tell people that I was probably stealing her thunder so to speak. When we had our 12 wk scans at the same place and same day we had to tell her the night before as it would have been worse bumping into us there.

She seemed ok about it but I know she would rather we werent pregnant at the same time but i totally understand why.

So I think your sil could have waited a day or two and had some consideration for you. Especially if you were close before.

Congrats btw!!!

I think the difficulty here is when would have been a good time? If your op hadn't gone well, how long after the op would she have had to wait to share her news? There really wasn't a good time for her to tell you.

I do appreciate how you feel. It took us a long time to conceive and every pregnancy announced in that time was a sweet and sour moment for us.

A close friend had a serious operation affecting her fertility when I was pregnant with dd. I was nervous of visiting her but she told friends to tell Carrots to get in here as if I am not going to have my own dcs then I am bl@@dy well going to get a share in hers. I felt it was very brave of her and very sensible too. She has 2 dcs of her own now but I still appreciate her bravery through a horrible time for her. She looked for the joy she could have rather than focusing on the opportunity to feel bitter.

I don't think you're being that unreasonable to be honest. If your SIL had just landed a job earning twice as much as you, or if she was getting engaged and you were single and not happy about it, she'd probably have toned it down/chosen her moment, right? But with the pregnancy stuff it's just no holds barred, and if you're infertile you get very little sympathy unless you can plaster a smile on your face and pretend it's not upsetting to see your friends coo over their kids who would be the age of yours if it worked out etc... f*ck that, really. I lost a couple of friends back in the day when I finished my PhD and got a decent job (and they were still struggling on)... I'm happier with that though than if they were to still hang around with me and pretend to be happy for me and then eat their hearts out if I say something about travelling for work or something that sounds cool.

Still, it would be nice to be friends with her now, right? So you need to think about the circumstances of her announcing it, how much she could have known or timed it better. If your head knows she wasn't being malicious or very thoughtless, your heart'll catch up eventually I think.

Just read your update- well done! And here's something no one tells you- all the prodding and poking of fert treatment makes pregnancy seem MUCH easier :-)

Really difficult, but don't lose sight of the fact that you're in a good place now, being pregnant.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Our close friends had just found out they were expecting their first baby and we chose not to tell them of our misfortune, as we didn't want to take away from their own excitement and make them feel they were treading on eggshells in our presence. Actually, I went on to realise I wasn't jealous of my friend being pregnant, as I didn't want her baby, I wanted my own. I was eventually lucky enough to have three of them, but couldn't have known at the time that there would be no issues.

Don't be uncomfortable around your SIL. It's time to move on.

Scholes34 has hit the nail on the head. You don't want their baby- you want YOUR baby. It's the one case where someone getting something has zero impact on the chance of you getting it.

firsttime
Well done for making contact with SIL it is hard to reach out like that, I am sure you will both be happier for it. Wishing both of you easy and uneventful pregnancies.

YABU but I can understand why.

My sister had a similar thing with her inlaws. She had just had a full hysterectomy at 38 and having micarried her only pg 13 yrs ago had to put have with her in law getting annoyed with for not wanting to see her BIL new baby a week later.

It wasn't that my sister didn't want to see the newborn it was combination of not be able to travel due to major surgery but also mourning the loss of the family that they will never have.

YABU - the world still carries on going round even though you are struggling to get pregnant

Someone who worked for me told me about her pregnancy on the morning of my first appointment with the fertility clinic.

It was the only time I cried when someone told me they were pregnant (obviously not in front of her).

That was my heart speaking - but my head told me that it was not a zero sum game. That it was great that she was pregnant - and hopefully I would be too one day.

So - yes, of course it hursts. But her world does not need to stop because of your problems.

Hi OP, firstly huge congratulations!

Have read the thread and am pleased that you have made contact with your SIL, I think you have to move on now and really enjoy your own pregnancy.

A similar thing happened to me with my SIL. We found out via my BIL that she was pregnant a couple of days after our first IVF attempt failed. I was just devastated, wondering how on earth she could do that to me? The next 6 months were awful, I couldn't bear to see her and it affected the whole family. I feel bad when I look back and think about how my In-laws must have felt - one son desperate for a child and the other one looking forward so much to the birth of his first child. Everyone spent 6 months treading on egg-shells until I eventually got pregnant on our 3rd IVF attempt.

I realise now that my BIL and SIL weren't doing it to get at us at all, they were just getting on with their own lifes. Infact they starting trying for a baby after seeing how long it was taking us to get pregnant and what we were going through, they just struck lucky and got pregnant fairly quickly.

The thing is you can't help the way you feel, it's just such an emotive situation. My SIL had a boy and we had boy/girl twins, there's not much of an age gap and it's lovely to see them getting on together

I wish you all the best for the future x

Congratulations but yabu!
I think it's easy to out all the shit you've been through into a box and direct all your negative feelings towards your sil for her timing. I don't think her timing is the real issue here. You need to take time and process your emotions. It's hard as your journey resulted in pregnancy () but you still have been on a tough journey u need to deal with.
Hth x

If i allowed myself to feel this way i would utterly hate every woman who i know who has been pregnant over the last 10 years!

Ive had 6 mcs...i just dont have the room in my head to be angry with folk over what was said and done really i dont.

Please please please, shove it to the back of a very deep drawer and fill your thoughts with what is to come for both you & your sil, there is going to be two babies......cousins!
Its vital that these kids have a happy and loving relationship as they grow up together!

BIG BIG picture.....

On the one had she shouldn't have told you the day before the op but it also doesn't sound like she knew you were having it (as you said she should have asked a parent).

How far along are you OP? Congrats!

If she knew about the operation maybe that is why she told you before not after... She wanted you to get used to the idea beforehand. If you had lost your ovaries in the operation it would have been impossible to tell you as you would have been grieving. I think even in hindsight I would still choose to tell you when she did.

Congratulations!