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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that DH was actually a prostitute...

102 replies

NameChange7483921 · 27/02/2012 23:21

First off, I really do not wish to trivialise the experiences of "proper" prostitutes - this is a light hearted thread.

Right. Namechanger, for obvious reasons.

DH is bi, which I have known forever, I am too, no big deal. We are securely married so it isn't an issue.

A few nights ago, we were talking about exes. He told me about a few girlfriends, then asked me what exactly constituted a relationship in my eyes. I said somebody who you would introduce to your friends as a boyfriend/girlfriend, so he asked whether it counted if you spent lots of time together, shagged regularly, but didn't go public. I asked for more details in order to make my judgement.

First off, he told me about a couple of kind of boyfriends (tbh I think they were more friends with benefits as it was just sex and hanging out - no actual feelings etc) and then he told me about another, but then corrected himself, because he "only did it to fill the fridge and get drinks and drugs"

Apparently, when he was at uni, two older men used to have him round to their house for threesomes etc, and in return would buy him drinks all night and give him food for the week, fags, drugs etc (only the usual recreational ones). Being a student, he thought it was great.

I pointed out that he was technically a prostitute, and he denied it as they didn't actually give him cash.

He also used to apparently trade sexual acts (with men and women, usually a lot older - he said he would have never gone near them normally) for stories when he was briefly a journalist.

He doesn't seem bothered by it at all, btw, he was really matter of fact about the whole thing - it was all over a decade ago now. He actually regrets that he turned down doing gay porn.

So, what do we think? Is the journalism thing just par for the course?

(sexual health is fine, btw, all tested etc)

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 28/02/2012 18:11

I've slept with men in return for 'stuff' in the past. Didn't make me a prostitute I suppose, but it made me feel like one. So I stopped. So has your DH so I'm not sure there's any issue there.

I'm more Shock at the journalism thing tbh though I suspect that's probably more about me than you.

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 18:12

Urgh, think about sleeping with a journalist

Proudnscary · 28/02/2012 18:15

Umm do journalists give out information in turn for sexual favours?? What a bizarre question (then again look at the Leveson inquiry...).

I don't think it matters whether you label it prostitution or not...but this would rather put me off him to be absolutely honest. You can't blame behaving like a total trollop with no self respect on being a poor student...

arghmyear · 28/02/2012 18:16

I would think technically not a prostitute as if you go and see a prostitute, you "have" to pay.

In your H's case, he was doing sexual favours in the hope of getting some goods.

lesley33 · 28/02/2012 18:16

I don't know, but I suspect the sleeping with a journalist is not common - especially remembering some of the journalists I have met! If it is common, my DS might want to change his mind about his future career - he is 19.

TinyPants · 28/02/2012 18:41

Risky behaviour definitely, prostitution probably.

SardineQueen · 28/02/2012 18:57

I would certainly put that in the category of someone prostituting themselves.

I suppose the most pertinent question is, would he have done it for free. The two guys when he was a student, would he have shagged them if there had not been the "presents". If he wouldn't have done it for "free" or just for fun then I don't think his argument holds much water.

I also don't think it's the same as going out with someone and they buy you a meal / drink and you sleep with them. The meal / drink wasn't in return for the sex, you wouldn't have had sex if you didn't want to, it's a different kettle of fish.

SardineQueen · 28/02/2012 18:58

Children overseas do it for a meal.

The cash thing is a red herring.

tinkertitonk · 28/02/2012 19:21

OP, you'll never get a rational response (if that's what you want) on this forum to any post that even might be about prostitution. BTW, porn is the root of Greek porne = prostitute, so "doing porn" (straight or gay) would have removed all doubt.

Lueji · 28/02/2012 19:50

Yes.
But then so are women who marry for money...

takingiteasy · 28/02/2012 19:59

a fair exchange of happiness inducing deeds

I like this definition!

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 20:01

tinkertonk. Have the response so far not been rational?

PosiePumblechook · 28/02/2012 20:04

He used people and was used, not a prostitute....
I went out with a bloke who bought me lunch everyday!

TiggyD · 28/02/2012 20:16

Are women who get taken out for a meal or night out with a man who pays for it prostitutes?

mathanxiety · 28/02/2012 20:29

If they have sex and feel it is a quid pro quo and if the man feels it is something he is entitled to then yes.

SardineQueen · 28/02/2012 20:30

No

And nor are men who go out with women who buy them a drink in the pub.

The question is whether the sex would happen anyway or not IMO.

SaharaMerchant · 28/02/2012 20:35

Not sure about the journalism thing OP. Not too sure about the prostitution stance either (I'd probably go for no he wasn't), it was a long time ago though, and as long as it's not a feature in his life now, I'd let it go.

Coconutty · 28/02/2012 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 28/02/2012 21:00

I don't get any neediness / anger from the OP, just an interest in what other people think, given that she and her DP disagree!

Nothing wrong with that Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2012 21:08

I've worked with prostitutes and know one who made a 'date' for a can of fizzy drink and a bag of crisps. She didn't actually go through with it in the end but that was a lot less than a fridge full of food and she was definitely a prostitute.

Using drink/food/drugs that someone else has bought while you are on a date is different to having sex because someone is going to buy you food that you are going to use long after the 'date' is over. Would he have slept with them anyway? If not, he was a prostitute. If it doesn't bother you, it really shouldn't bother me.

ComposHat · 28/02/2012 21:52

Does it really matter ten years on?

We can debate labels for your husband's past behaviour til the rivers run dry, but it is ancient history and if.it isn't indicative of how current behaviour I wouldn't. lose any sleep over it.

NameChange7483921 · 28/02/2012 23:27

In itself, it's not really all that surprising - he does seem to have quite a high sex drive, at the time he was young, skinny and up for anything, and he loves attention, so the whole sleeping with loads of people really isn't unusual.

It's also not really a case of unusual magnetism - it's really not hard to pull men for one night stands if you are young and filthy, and the women he was getting stories from were older (we are talking 50's) single, and frustrated.

He also has a kind of almost slight camp (but not the kind of stereotyped version - more a kind of educated/oversexed/flirty/luvvie thing) manner sometimes (usually when we are in gay circles, or when he is all dressed up for a night out - especially when we were younger, we did good dressing up) which apparently was much more prominent in his youth, and he was a music journalist in a big city so...it kind of fits somehow that he would have been approached.

It is just the "payment" bit that surprised me. He wouldn't have normally done it without incentive, I think. It does sound like he liked the attention though.

It wouldn't really fit him now though, which is why I was kind of interested. He is very respectable now :)

I'm not bothered, just fascinated by a story that I had never heard before, and interested in why we see it differently.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/02/2012 16:57

Maybe he is splitting hairs because he doesn't like to see himself in that light?

Hullygully · 29/02/2012 17:00

banana

BupcakesandCunting · 29/02/2012 17:02

If only your DP had seen before taking fags + Pot Noodles of the older men... :(