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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to elope?

64 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 18:33

This isn't a marriage v partners thread or a Bridezilla thread or anything. I can't talk to anyone IRL about this except DP, obviously, so just testing opinions....

I have never been bothered about marriage: always said that if I were with someone who was keen, I'd give it a whirl, but otherwise, not fussed. DP was never bothered about the idea per se and also comes from a very religious background but has lost his faith, so I think he feels a bit 'meh' about it.

But when I think about marriage as just a special bond between us, that feels a lot nicer....

Which is where this is going - because I feel like I'd quite like marriage but cannot bloody stand weddings. This is the main reason. Hate 'venues', ersatz flowers, meringues, pageboys yada yada, the way everyone suddenly starts doing bizarre stuff 'because it's tradition' (yes, I am a total killjoy).

There is also other backstory here: my rather difficult dad cancelled on my sister's wedding with less than 2 wks to go because 'he was busy at work' Shock. She had previously moved the date to accommodate him. They, er, don't talk now....

If we have a wedding and DF doesn't come, that's a pretty hard statement to ignore. If we have and he does, that's a pretty hard statement for DSis to ignore. Not nice either way.

But the cons - people feeling hurt. DMIL would I am sure love for her PFB to have a wedding. They are really lovely but quite traditional and I'm sure would prefer that. My own DM would probably be a bit Confused / Sad too.

AIBU to go ahead anyway? I would just so much prefer it - or AIB a selfish withc?

OP posts:
Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 18:35

PS - that was all a bit me-me-me, eh. DP would also prefer eloping.

OP posts:
spendthrift · 27/02/2012 18:46

My DM came up with a brilliant idea which I offer to you: elope and then have a party sometime later. You can find a time your father can or can't make, no speeches, no parental roles, no faff. And the wedding is yours and private.

misslinnet · 27/02/2012 18:46

I think that you and your DP should decide what you want to do for your wedding and do that.

If you both want to elope, then go for it.

If DP's parents are on the traditional side, then is it possible they'll be so happy about the marriage that they overlook the lack of a big wedding?

UtherTheTerrible · 27/02/2012 18:48

What spendthrift said. I think you'd save a lot of money. Costs have a tendency to spiral out of control when it comes to a wedding and honestly it can be a lot of stress and drama for a massive bill.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 18:49

spend yeah that was DP suggestion too. I quite like it particularly as we are skint this year

I quite like the idea of a big 1-year anniversary party myself, like let's celebrate a year of marriage....

missL possibly- they are liberal Christians, well FIL is, MIL has lost her faith now, so I don't think they mind us living in sin. I think it's more that they would see a wedding as a really special, once-in-a-lifetime meaningful celebration whereas I would rather eat my own liver.

OP posts:
Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 18:50

Well, can I ask this - as I really don't want to upset PIL if possible - how would feel if your own PFB did this? would you feel massively hurt if this were your son?

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ComposHat · 27/02/2012 18:53

Oh what a wonderful idea, I can't imagine anything more perfect.

Do it! I wanted to be married to my partner, but the idea of the wedding fills me with dread and despair beyond words.

Please do it and give me the courage to suggest the same!

BelleTheBeatnik · 27/02/2012 18:56

Well, see now I love weddings Grin. Can't get enough of them! I'd turn up at strangers' if I didn't think I'd be issued with a restraining order. Grin

However, I completely see where you're coming from. There's something very romantic about eloping, and I think it satisfies the reason why you are marrying - although to many others (Me Blush Little Miss Drama Queen!) it simply doesn't suffice!

The DM/MIL issue is obviously your big worry. I'm sure they both love you enough that if it it's what you both really want, they will accept that. There's a lot of options though - you can elope for the actual marriage, then have a get together for family and close friend to celebrate before/afterwards. Or even just a very small, informal wedding - a lovely, no-frills ceremony followed by a meal, for example. They can still be involved in your marriage, even if you don't have a traditional ceremony.

To answer your question: YADNBU. At the end of the day, marriage is for you and your DP. It's lovely to share it with your loved if you so wish, but you should keep in mind that it's your wedding and nobody else's.

Congratulations btw x

benne81 · 27/02/2012 18:58

Elope, elope, elope. We did it I have parents that hate each other and I just couldn't bare them to be in the same room! I'm also not into weddings so we buggered off to Vegas had a wedding ceremony that was broadcast on the web (for folks to watch at home) and then had a week in San Francisco. Loved it & very romantic. My mother didn't mind, think MIL was a bit put out but she has already had her own hasn't she.

Ps had a party in a pub when we got back

Iwantcandy · 27/02/2012 19:01

What spend said or you can have a very unweddingy wedding that doesn't cost the earth. I have been to a few atypical weddings that were lovely and my own was not traditional and on a tight budget. For example I've been to weddings where the bride wore a pretty party dress, the table decorations were pot plants that could be taken home, the grooms mum cooked most of the food (buffet), the couples friends "dj ed" on tbeir iPods etc etc. I think it's very special to make your marriage a public commitment in from of all you'd friends and family. Appreciate the problem re your dad and your sisters wedding though. Can't you just convince him to go?

spendthrift · 27/02/2012 19:02

Well it was my mother who suggested it when she saw how stressed we were getting. And you could do something special with pils. Tbh I've known people do the Caribbean thing just to get away from the awfulness.

If our Ds wanted that I might feel a bit unwanted but not if he explained nicely and we shared a bottle of champagne.

That's not to say I didn't eventually enjoy our very trad wedding. But was going to call it off. The faff got to me. Refused point blank to have a sit down meal. Seating plan nightmare.

Do what you want and make the people who are important to you feel special in another way.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 19:03

You could get witness if MN ( it has been done)

I would be gutted if my dd did this though as I would love helping out with the wedding plans and paying for her dress

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 19:04

Off MN

ComposHat · 27/02/2012 19:04

Don't get me wrong Belle I love other people's weddings, (well the food, booze up and the disco bit anyway) but I hate the idea of being the centre of attention and the fuss it entails.

My ideal would be to get the Sleeper down from Edinburgh to London and then get married in Kensington Registry Office, meal in a pub and then train back.

BelleTheBeatnik · 27/02/2012 19:06

Ooooh! Like McHappyPants's idea! Pick me, pick me!

FredFredGeorge · 27/02/2012 19:11

We got married, we would have invited no-one, but obviously had to get witnesses, so a couple of our friends were there for that - and a beer and "wedding cake" in the pub after as thanks, one witness was the only guy in a suit - 'cos he had to work in the morning before coming. Our families knew it was happening, and knew they weren't being invited, and that there wasn't going to be any party (I'm not sure I get spends suggestion as the party is even more horrific than the ceremony to me)

Mind you both our sisters were married abroad with either no or only some around so neither sets of parents were used to the idea of being at their childs wedding. But even so I've never felt the slightest bit of resentment from how happened, they were just happy we got what we wanted despite the fact I'm sure MIL at least would've welcomed the ceremony etc. and my family always like an excuse for a party.

I'd certainly encourage you to elope - or even just do it locally, people tend not to actually visit the registry office to read the announcements so you'd be very unlikely to be found out!

Go for it, weddings are prety horrible things for all concerned as far as I can see. Anything that reduces it! You will get less presents (another bonus!)

CMOTDibbler · 27/02/2012 19:17

As long as you elope properly (ie, no friends or family there, just the two of you and MN witnesses Wink) I think its a great idea.

Or, arrange the sort of party you like, invite everyone you love, and then tell them all to turn up to the registry office on the actual morning

robino · 27/02/2012 19:21

Yes, yes! Elope. Get the MN witnesses - they're very good. I know, this is what we did 20 months ago. Have only just told our families and friends.

littletomato · 27/02/2012 19:42

elope. i never wanted a wedding, so we decided to go to registry. but had to invite close family. & close friends. then couldn't insult less-close family & friends, so invited them too. wanted a casual meal afterwards (pizza?) but then began receiving expensive gifts from our families. felt bad to not arrange elaborate meal, then wedding favours, drinks. nice dessert, might as well be decent cake, ended up buying expensive dress so that i would look okay, needed to have at least a few flowers, etc.
so, exactly what i didn't want, and to top it off, i alienated some friends whom i didn't invite..

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 19:46

Robino how did it to, remember the thread well

TeWihara · 27/02/2012 19:47

You probably should elope for your sister's sake.

I would be quietly gutted if you were my daughter/son though... perhaps a letter to your mum and PIL explaining the situation and that it's what you both really want along with a photo from the day?

madaboutmadmen · 27/02/2012 19:49

We did it, went to the Caribbean and don't regret it at all. It was fantastic and everyone was great when we returned and told them our news.

beela · 27/02/2012 19:54

We did it too, went to Wales (cos of an amazing holiday a few years ago) with DS (13 months at the time) and a couple of friends and their children, and we went for a slap-up afternoon tea afterwards. We were happy, the kids were happy.... my mum was slightly quiet about it all but I think most people have accepted that it was exactly what we wanted to do, and that the wedding was about us and not about everyone else. We've had lots of mini-celebrations with people individually since, which has been great.

I wouldn't change a thing.

cherrytopping · 27/02/2012 20:17

Didn't elope. But didn't invite anyone else either.

Amazing wonderful incredible beautiful unbelievable experience.

My mum didn't care. MiL got a bit pissy but I couldn't have coped with having any do here with her fussing.

Worked out miles cheaper, had the barest of minimum stuff, very personal and emotional. Just me, him, a suit, a dress, a digital camera on timer, the priest, a translator and a couple of witnesses. Nothing else. Took all the stress and worry out of it. I'm not a wedding person. Again, wouldn't change it.

I think MiL has just about forgiven us. Not that either of us really care as it was about us making commitment to each other and and not about her making a show to the rest of the family/friends.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 20:29

Oh. My. God. Is this a wedding thread thread and unanimous?? [groin]

candy sorry if I wasn't clear DSis wedding was 3 years ago now. DF said he was coming, she moved the date for him, he cancelled, they got married, he didn't send a present or any type of acknowledgement.... phut went their relationship!

McHappy & te I appreciate you'd be gutted but would you understand? And would it make a difference that BIL & SIL had a very churchy traditional wedding? So they've got to do the speeches etc.

We have tentatively agreed this but I think I might 'propose' properly. We are going to Cornwall this summer so might do it then - somewhere lovely like a little coastal village? Witness off MN/ the street?

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