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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to elope?

64 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 18:33

This isn't a marriage v partners thread or a Bridezilla thread or anything. I can't talk to anyone IRL about this except DP, obviously, so just testing opinions....

I have never been bothered about marriage: always said that if I were with someone who was keen, I'd give it a whirl, but otherwise, not fussed. DP was never bothered about the idea per se and also comes from a very religious background but has lost his faith, so I think he feels a bit 'meh' about it.

But when I think about marriage as just a special bond between us, that feels a lot nicer....

Which is where this is going - because I feel like I'd quite like marriage but cannot bloody stand weddings. This is the main reason. Hate 'venues', ersatz flowers, meringues, pageboys yada yada, the way everyone suddenly starts doing bizarre stuff 'because it's tradition' (yes, I am a total killjoy).

There is also other backstory here: my rather difficult dad cancelled on my sister's wedding with less than 2 wks to go because 'he was busy at work' Shock. She had previously moved the date to accommodate him. They, er, don't talk now....

If we have a wedding and DF doesn't come, that's a pretty hard statement to ignore. If we have and he does, that's a pretty hard statement for DSis to ignore. Not nice either way.

But the cons - people feeling hurt. DMIL would I am sure love for her PFB to have a wedding. They are really lovely but quite traditional and I'm sure would prefer that. My own DM would probably be a bit Confused / Sad too.

AIBU to go ahead anyway? I would just so much prefer it - or AIB a selfish withc?

OP posts:
Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 20:29

Oh God, grin clearly, not groin

Blush
OP posts:
robino · 27/02/2012 20:30

mchappy it went really well, thanks! DH's mum was just relieved we'd done it, my mum perfectly happy, lots of other people found it hilarious. In fact, the worst reaction ( which wasn't really bad) was my dad, don't think he was too impressed but given that when i was 17 he turned up, said " I,m getting married to L tomorrow, you can't come" he didn,t really have a leg to stand on.

robino · 27/02/2012 20:33

Groin . Revolting - we've has only positive reactions

TeWihara · 27/02/2012 20:38

I would absolutely understand! But I'd need the explanation and the we both really want this part, and also to take you out for a mini celebration dinner later Grin

Stinkyminkymoo · 27/02/2012 20:39

Get married abroad, avoids all the stuff you don't want and all the stuff you do. With the bonus of beautiful sunshine.

My sister did this for various reasons and had a big party afterwards. Smile

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 20:49

robino that is one hell of a wedding announcement. Groin indeed!

stinky we don't really have the ££ to go abroad - or we do, but we're saving to get out of this poxy damp shitpit of a rental for a mortgage now instead.

Te Smile that's nice - that does make me feel better. DMIL is the loveliest person ever and would just go all quiet if she were hurt, but not in a passive aggressive way, just really sad but trying not to be, and I'd hate that. But not enough to put myself through a wedding.

OP posts:
Jnice · 27/02/2012 21:19

I felt the same way about weddings. Did not want a 'big day'. We eloped to grenada, and married on a beach. I had bare feet and a sundress (less than £100). That night we called family and told them. They got over it, and we had a small gathering a few months later with friends and family. It is your day, do what you want. I think the amount some people spend on weddings is disgusting to be honest.

Jnice · 27/02/2012 21:24

And yes, i have 3 sons and if they all did this k would understand so long as they let me throw them a party afterwards.

Good luck Smile

McHappyPants2012 · 27/02/2012 21:32

even though i would be gutted, i would put my feelings aside and say congrats :)

Tiddlyompompom · 27/02/2012 22:27

Eloping sounds like the best thing for you both, don't jump thru elaborate weddingy hoops just to appease as yet unhurt feelings.
I think the reason MiL etc could feel hurt would be that they might feel 'forgotten' or that you don't think they're important. It would be nice to do something to show that you were thinking of them on the day, perhaps make a banner/sign/chalkboard or something that you can hold up in photos with messages to family, or make little cutouts of the family members and hold them up in the photo. A proper memento of the day might go a long way to make relatives feel included, even if they weren't there.

Another option would be to invite a very select group of people for a pub lunch, and when they arrive announce that you're all going to make a little detour to the registry office before you eat! That way you'd still have the most important people there, but without any hoohaa.

If my DS got married without a big wedding or without me there I'd be fine with it, assuming I liked his DP! Not sure I'd be thrilled if he secretly married someone I disliked, a wedding can help you adjust to things like that.

Good luck!

Tiddlyompompom · 27/02/2012 22:35

PS, meant to mention, my mum called us from Vegas when I was 12 to tell us she'd married my now ex-stepdad. We were a little underwhelmed, and she was hurt that we weren't as excited as she was. Just to warn you - some of the reactions you get when you tell people you've got married might be "Oh? Ok."

I ended up with a big wedding as that's what DH wanted, but I would've been happy to elope too! My mum couldn't really have objected tho... :)

HardCheese · 27/02/2012 23:06

Revolting, we are having a 'guerrilla' wedding later this week. Not an elopement, as it's at the local town hall, but one knows - we're going to have to grab witnesses off the street or something - and we're just doing it in ordinary clothes, no rings etc. I've always hated the 'Your Special Day' idea of A Wedding, so this is perfect. I feel sure our parents will be a bit hurt, though mine certainly know perfectly well that I was never going to do a big, trad. Irish wedding with a big frock, church ceremony and hotel reception. This is right for us. Good luck with however you two do it!

faeriefruitcake · 27/02/2012 23:11

We eloped and it was the best ever, we didn't want pushy relatives spoiling it.

3weeks from being asked to getting married. Everything sorted, paid for and arranged.

Then we told the relatives attend or not it's your choice. It was our day reflecting our commitment to each other and we found it meaningful.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2012 23:15

Oooh that's nice HC - good luck Smile and here - Thanks

Tiddly thanks for that. I don't mind if people are underwhelmed. I think one reason i have previously been against marriage is that I really hate the whole 'you are making a public statement' thing. For me it's about something really private - I'd tell the same people I might tell if we had just discovered we were having a baby, my mum, PILs, immediate family, a couple of close friends.

Otherwise, don't care, really! Wink

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TroublesomeEx · 28/02/2012 09:14

OP, you've described pretty much how DH and I felt about weddings.

We wanted to be married, but didn't want a wedding.

We chose our favourite UK holiday location, went camping for a fortnight and got married in the middle of it.

DS was the best man, DD was a flower girl, a couple of relatives who lived in the location were the witnesses.

We all wore nice summery clothes - linen trousers and grandad shirts for the men, that kind of thing, I had a white cotton summer dress and bunch of wild flowers we picked on the way.

And then we went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant - but nothing fancy.

We all took photos on our ordinary cameras.

It was perfect and given that time again, we wouldn't do it any other way.

TroublesomeEx · 28/02/2012 09:16

Just read one of your previous posts - Cornwall is a perfect location for just this sort of thing Wink

paddlepie · 28/02/2012 09:29

Is there anyway you could have PIL there when you do it? Just to give another perspective - I think I would be a bit hurt if my DS didn't have me at his wedding (if we had a good relationship etc etc). Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't fall out over it and would understand the reasons and that you don't want a big wedding, but would it really be that bad to just have PIL's there? If you think it would mean that much to them and you get on well with them then it may be worth it. Still doesn't have to be a big wedding, just do whatever you were going to do and have them as witnesses.

BiscuitNibbler · 28/02/2012 11:00

We did - to avoid any hassle from family. Best decision ever.

Like Benne81 we went to Las Vegas, the wedding was streamed online so people at home could watch if they wanted. Then a week in Hawaii and a week in San Francisco. Perfect.

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 11:02

We snuck off and got marries in a register office with a steak and chips in Wetherspoons after and a bottle of champers. Perfect my Mum devastated but it is our way and I would not change a thing it is so special to the two of you

Chocobo · 28/02/2012 11:18

Revolting - could you possibly have a surprise wedding. Invite all the guests to a "party" for whatever reason and then spring it on them when they are there that you are getting wed. That way you have none of the expectations or crazy behaviour of relatives in the run up to the big day. Also if your DF does not come then well he did not know it was your wedding and if he does your sister cannot feel too put out as he did not know it was your wedding - problem solved Wink

imnotmymum · 28/02/2012 11:22

Think the idea is just the 2 of you so even if surprise party not wedding why should you spend money on other people when it is a decalaration of your love we have thought about a party etc frequebtly throughout the years but we feel it would spoil it our day was special to us and if you want the whole caboodle do it it will be special to you or if you want to get marries in outer mongolia go for it it YOUR day

Ephiny · 28/02/2012 11:22

It's possible to have a fairly un-weddingy wedding. We're having immediate family (parents and siblings) and closest friends only, the plan is to have a very simple ceremony (no fuss, no aisle to walk down, no giving away, no meringue dress, no bridesmaids or pageboys) followed by a nice relaxed sit-down lunch for everyone. No speeches, no excessive dressing up, no 'top table', no dancing - just good food and chance to catch up and chat.

We were lucky enough to find a very small venue that's happy with the small numbers of guests, so we can have the ceremony and lunch all in one place. Other options we considered were registry office ceremony followed by either lunch in a nice restaurant, or buffet in PILs house/garden.

For us anyway this is a good compromise between having a big 'proper' wedding (which neither of us want) and making it a complete non-event or upsetting family by excluding them.

paddlepie · 28/02/2012 12:04

Ephiny - your wedding sounds lovely!

Love the idea of a surprise wedding too, friends of mine did this and it was great. Stops all the pre-wedding guest hassle too.

maddening · 28/02/2012 12:17

why not invite just your dm's for a day out somewhere nice - say to have lunch in a swanky hotel'( in a town with a registry office), meet in nice cafe for brunch and tell them that it is your secret wedding today and please could they be witnesses - get married and all go for a lovely dinner together - after which you go off on your honey moo

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 28/02/2012 12:18

Hmm that is an interesting idea paddle and ephiny but I think it might still spiral rather. If I invite PILs I have to invite my own family too, including DF (it would be rather a slight not to!) plus DSis3 lives abroad, and my family in this country live the other side of it, so it would be a kerfuffle getting everyone to take time off work and come down here, they would need to book accommodation, etc etc, of course we would have to have some kind of venue to accommodate them and you can hardly expect all those people to come all that way just for a simple meal......

The thing is, I honestly just don't want a wedding, at all.

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