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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a baby?

54 replies

hattieboo2012 · 27/02/2012 18:04

My partner and I have been together for 8 months and live together. We have little niggles with each other, but doesn't everyone? 99% of the time we get on great and are always saying to each other how great it is that we get on so well...but it has only been 8 months! Still in our honeymoon period perhaps?

Well, the thing is, I see my partner with friends kids and he's sooo brilliant with them. Add to that he's caring, considerate, generous, funny, reliable, and i'm so bloody broody! I really want a child with him!

We have talked about the future (children and marriage)...he initiated the conversation on the many talks we've had about it, and we both agreed that in the future marriage and children are what we want from the relationship. Is there anything I can do to hold out my maternal feelings for just a bit longer? We have no children yet btw.

OP posts:

nocake · 27/02/2012 18:10

I suggest you look after a friend's baby for a weekend, preferably when he/she is teething and is unwell. The lack of sleep, leaky nappies and regular crying should dampen down your maternal instincts.

imnotmymum · 27/02/2012 18:11

8 months not long get a puppy !!

Original poster

hattieboo2012 · 27/02/2012 18:13

I don't want a puppy, I want a baby! I've looked after loads of babies to realise how hard work they are, but the good points far, far outweigh the negatives!

OP posts:

EauDeLaPoisson · 27/02/2012 18:16

Looking after babies is a million miles away from having your own. Its lovely but such a bind- there is very little chance for spontaneity and unless you have brilliant support all the things you could do as a couple at the drop of a hat becomes very tricky with a baby to consider. Me and DH were together about 4 years before we had kids but even now sometimes I yearn for those carefree days when we could go out for meals, weekends away, holidays, travelling etc without having to think about childcare. Even having a hangover pre kids is a luxury!!

FullyImmersed · 27/02/2012 18:19

How old are you?

How long have you looked after a baby for in one stretch? They really are hard work, and without establishing your relationship first you could put strain on it before you even really know each other.

Also, when you have a baby you can kiss goodbye to just flitting out for dinner, going on romantic holidays etc, don't you want to build some lovely memories first, that you can share with your DC when they are older?

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 27/02/2012 18:21

How old are you? Do either you or your partner have any health issues preventing you from waiting a few years before TTC? If you're mid 30s or younger and healthy, I'd give it another year. DH and I had DD 3 years after we got together and it still seemed very soon.

quitcomplaining · 27/02/2012 18:26

Me and my dp accidentally fell pregnant after 8 months. We were still in the initial honeymoon period so thought it would all be brilliant and wonderful and perfect....it wasn't like that at all! We Rowed so much during my pregnancy. He wasn't used to the hormonal side of me. And I wasn't prepared for all the things I was still learning about him.

We came through the otherwise and are Now expecting dc2 but it took a lot of hard work.

We only managed a few weekend breaks and one 'hot' holiday together in our first few months. We hadnt even had an Xmas together before I was pregnant.

I would really urge you to wait, obviously we didn't plan for dd but had we have been able to I would have waited for the honeymoon period to end. To have got a few holidays out of the way. Generally been Just a couple for longer.

I don't think you truely someone after 8 months. Even living together.

OddBoots · 27/02/2012 18:27

Other than want, is there any reason you can't wait a while?

BertieBotts · 27/02/2012 18:27

Wanting a baby, knowing the reality, being ready, knowing you want them at the age you are now, etc etc are all important, yes, but what is really important, the most important thing in my experience, is who you have them with. Your partner might be fantastic (and I hope he is :)) but you have only been together eight months - it's way, way too soon to know if he is the right man to have children with yet.

Try stretching it out by making some long term plans. You've already moved in together so that milestone is over, perhaps looking at saving for a mortgage could be one goal, planning an amazing holiday or trip for the next year or two, saving up for that etc, any career goals you want to establish over the next few years, planning out on what sort of timescale you want to get married etc, and then what kind of time you will think about trying for a baby. If you have a semi-concrete plan in place where you think "I can't have a baby now but we will start trying in 2015" then it's easier to cope with, because you know it will happen at some point in the future, just not now.

And in the meantime, get yourself on some long acting reversible contraception, the coil, implant or injection. Don't rely on something like the pill or condoms which requires active participation because if you're feeling broody you're so much more likely to throw caution to the wind if for example you miss a pill or you run out of condoms or "the moment" takes hold etc. That's not saying that you're irresponsible, but that if it's not a priority to you to not get pregnant, you are less likely to make it a priority to make sure you're using contraception properly.

EdnaClouds · 27/02/2012 18:27

The immaturity of your posts suggest you are not very old and certainly not old enough to become a mother.

Yabu and very irresponsible.

CeliaDeBohun · 27/02/2012 18:27

Having a DC is the best thing ever but it will change your relationship and it will put pressure on it - you won't get to spend as much time together one on one and you won't get to go out and have fun as much (unless you're rich enough to afford a nanny, in which case ignore everything I've said). Unless you're pushing 40 and worried you're running out of time, I'd recommend enjoying the carefree, child free period with your DP for a bit longer :)

featherbag · 27/02/2012 19:14

My DH and I had 11 glorious years to just enjoy each other's company before we had DS, and I wouldn't have had that any other way, to raise a child together (in an ideal world) you need to know the other person inside out, trust each other 100%, and have done your 'oat-sowing' so that you don't end up resenting the change in role as well as the change in yourself and your partner, as you will both change when you become parents. Enjoy each other, give it time to enjoy just being together and get to know one another properly before you make the ginormous leap from lovers to parents this post is not influenced at all by the teething wails of 21wo DS which have been the soundtrack to our house for 3 hours straight now oh no sir

ViolaCrayola · 27/02/2012 19:16

I wanted a baby from fairly early on in my relationship with DH - which I would class as after 2 years! We eventually had a baby after being together for 5 years (and married for 1). Even this genuinely seemed quite soon! So although YANBU to have feelings of broodiness, I would say you will definitely be thankful if you wait a bit longer to act on them!

As others have said, babies can completely transform and de-stabilise a relationship. It's better to go into that with a few years behind you IMO. DH and I have little real quality time alone together, and life is just like that for the first few years of your children's lives from what I've heard.

If he's the right one, it'll happen anyway, so give it some time if at all possible.

featherbag · 27/02/2012 19:16

Disclaimer before I get beaten I am in no way suggesting that those who have children sooner, whether on purpose or by happy accident, are in any way lesser parents, partners or people!

ViolaCrayola · 27/02/2012 19:17

Me neither!

littlemisssarcastic · 27/02/2012 19:21

OP, How old are you?

What does your partner think about having children this year? Is he keen or would he rather wait?
You say he sees marriage and children in your future, but when in the future? In the next 5 years? 10?

foreverondiet · 27/02/2012 19:21

I'd say depends on your ages as 8 months isn't very long.

If you are over 35 then YANBU.

if you are over 30 then you are only being a little bit U

If you are under 25-30 then YABU

If you are under 25 then park your thoughts for a bit to wait and see how good the relationship is etc.

Astronaut79 · 27/02/2012 19:31

Have fun together first. We'd been together for 5 years and married for 3 when we did it. It puts a massive strain on a relationship.

Enjoy having sex - it'll never happen again once you have kids.

lostsocks · 27/02/2012 20:21

Spend some time getting to know each other more first. I agree with a PP that you can't really know a partner after such a short time together, and he will be the father of your child for the rest of your life. I do appreciate how overwhelming the feeling of broodiness can be though, I remember welling up at the sight of parents running along with their cute little toddlers, but I managed to wait and it was worth it!

Snowboarder · 27/02/2012 21:11

I can understand the urge, I really can, but the reality of children is something that is difficult to prepare for. I had been with my DH for almost 8 years and through treatment for cancer and IVF before our DS1 was born, he was and is my best friend and the loveliest person I know. That said, for the first 3 months after DS was born we were so exhausted we could barely stand to look at each other, so sure were we that the other one was having it 'easier.' Thank goodness that we had had those happy 8 years loving and getting to know each other, otherwise those three 3 months could have ruined us. I'm not sure an 8 month relationship could have weathered the storm frankly, although that's just me.

Dozer · 27/02/2012 21:21

8 months is fuck-all time. Yabu.

ilovebabytv · 27/02/2012 21:32

YANBU, I know couples who were together for years but their relationship couldn't withstand the arrival of a child and couples who fell pregnant quite early on (less than a year, one couple i know fell pregnant after 2 months!) and still together. And vice versa too. If you and your partner feel secure enough to have a baby together then personally i think there is no better time regardless of age :)

redbunnyfruitcake · 27/02/2012 21:37

Really I love my DD to bits but you can kiss goodbye to sleep, sex, going to the toilet in peace, relaxing holidays, hot meals and looking good for at least the first 3 years! That may just be my experience but I really wish I hadn't been 35 and needing to get on with it. We had DD 2.5 years into our relationship and it feels like we didn't get enough time to enjoy each other properly. Remember once they are born there is no going back.

georgie22 · 27/02/2012 21:39

I was with dh for 14 years before we had our dd. It was difficult in the early newborn days as you can have no real idea how difficult sleep deprivation is and how hard it is to cope with things when you are exhausted. I've worked long hours and nights as a nurse in the past but this was nothing compared to the unrelenting nature of caring for a newborn; factor in your hormones which make things even harder to cope with and it could be a recipe for arguments etc. Our relationship is solid and we coped with the situation together; dh is a fantastic support to me and is a fab dad to our dd. We had a wonderful life together before dd arrived and we're so happy to have her to share our lives. 8 months would be too soon to think about having babies IMO.

EirikurNoromaour · 27/02/2012 21:44

Having a baby changes your relationship beyond recognition. It limits what you can do, financially, socially, career wise, in so many ways. That's all fine and worth it but you should, must enjoy your life and relationship a little first! You have plenty of time, don't rush past the good bits!

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