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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a baby?

54 replies

hattieboo2012 · 27/02/2012 18:04

My partner and I have been together for 8 months and live together. We have little niggles with each other, but doesn't everyone? 99% of the time we get on great and are always saying to each other how great it is that we get on so well...but it has only been 8 months! Still in our honeymoon period perhaps?

Well, the thing is, I see my partner with friends kids and he's sooo brilliant with them. Add to that he's caring, considerate, generous, funny, reliable, and i'm so bloody broody! I really want a child with him!

We have talked about the future (children and marriage)...he initiated the conversation on the many talks we've had about it, and we both agreed that in the future marriage and children are what we want from the relationship. Is there anything I can do to hold out my maternal feelings for just a bit longer? We have no children yet btw.

OP posts:

GavisconJunkie · 27/02/2012 21:49

You are being impulsive & horm

EmptyCrispPackets · 27/02/2012 21:49

Hmm I knw this feeling only too well too. I tend to agree with the others though, relationships can become strained when pregnant and the transition from couple to parents is hard for even the most of couples, in one way or another.

I do tend do disagree though with the poster who mentions age. Why 25-30 is she BU? Some people are ready to have children at a younger age than others, and aren't fussed about a career or so on. Do you mean anyone 25-30 is unreasonable to have children, or anyone 25-30 that's only been in a relationship for 8months?

ToxicToria · 27/02/2012 21:49

You might not take this advice but I was with my partner 2 years when we had my ds and I can't begin to describe how hard it is not with the baby but with each other, I thought we knew each other pretty well as we were together almost all day every day as we worked together as well but we didn't. Please get to know each other better have lots of good times, have some bad times and work through them, make sure you really do have a solid relationship before you bring a baby into it. I'm not saying it couldn't work but I guarantee it will be a lot happier and easier if you really know each other and what the other thinks, wants, feels etc

YusMilady · 27/02/2012 21:51

What sort of 'niggles' do you have with your partner OP?

ScaredyCate · 27/02/2012 21:53

I'm glad DH and I were together for years before we started trying for a baby. It meant we really, really knew each other inside out before we had the stress of a baby, especially as we had two close together so it was tough going for awhile.

Unless you are worried about your age and your fertility I'd aim to leave it at least another year before trying for a baby.

GavisconJunkie · 27/02/2012 21:55

You are being impulsive & hormonal as well as a bit unreasonable. 8 months is too soon to plan it. You may end up together forever (or a long time) but you may not. You would almost certainly regret not getting to know each other better before a tiny interloper comes along. You won't have many couply memories, which I find important to look back on when struggling with my identity (as dd1's mum).

Also it's really, bloody, hard. Way harder than you can possibly imagine, no matter WHAT you've been told/witnessed. If possible ensure a firm base first. I know people who had accidents early on, some are still going strong years later, most split up after a very short period of time.

That's not to say that length of relationship ensures security after baby, but it helps IMO.

GoingForGoalWeight · 27/02/2012 21:57

You're one for learning the very hard way.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 27/02/2012 22:05

Slow down! You are still in the throes of romantic love. Let your relationship mature for a couple of years, then if it still feels right, think about marriage and babies. No rush.

littlemisssarcastic · 27/02/2012 22:27

Agree with GoingForGoal.

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2012 22:31

I wouldn't advise anybody to make life changing decisions involving a relationship that's less than two years old.

You don't know the other person until the initial 'in love' feeling has settled into something more solid.

Don't make decisions while you're still in the sex bubble.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 27/02/2012 22:37

YANBU for wanting a baby.
But thats not the same thing as actually having one.

Give it time.

LizzieChickens · 27/02/2012 22:40

I have been trying to fight the urge to rush headlong into marriage and babies with my current partner, too. Two years into the relationship, I'm so glad I waited. I'm looking forward to spending a few years just the two of us before we irrevocably change our lives by adding a new person to the mix.

Tiddlyompompom · 27/02/2012 22:45

I remember thinking when I was first with my DH that I really really wanted to have children with him, but am so so glad it didn't happen til 8 years later!
You need to see people at their worst and decide you still love them in order to cope with the stress of life with children. If we'd had a baby in those early days we wouldn't still be together. It's not easy on the most perfect relationships, so if you're still getting to know each other it could be disastrous.
How long have you been living together? If you're still in the honeymoon phase then you know this is all very premature! Nothing wrong with telling him "I think you're going to be a brilliant dad" and making plans for the future, but don't go throwing your Pill out yet...

lostsocks · 27/02/2012 23:23

I suspect that OP will begin trying to conceive no matter what advice is given.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 28/02/2012 09:07

Even the most solid relationship can start to crumble when a baby arrives. You need to know your partner is 101 % the person you want to spend the rest of your life with before starting trying to have a baby. I was with dh 3 years before we started ttc, and even the ttc bit (another. 3 years) was hard on the relationship. Ds arrived and it was again very tough, and we did have a few problems. We now have 2 dc and are ttc no 3, and we are stronger than ever in our relationship, but I've seen many friends seemingly happy together and perfectly content who have split up after the kids arrived.
Thing is that the most unlikely father material can turn out to be spectacularly good dads and the most likely can turn out to be rubbish, likewise for being a good partner, but the longer you are together, the more time you will have to build a solid foundation of love, tolerance and respect for each other that you will need to bring up kids.
Also remember that you will change sometimes beyond recognition when you get pregnant. Things that didn't bother you suddenly do, and things that used to really piss you off can pale into insignificance against the thoughts of having a baby. Parenthood really is the biggest scariest roller coaster you will ever ride, and you have to be sure because once you are strapped in and the ride has started you can't get off.

StateofConfusion · 28/02/2012 11:32

Me and dp were together 2yrs when dc1 arrived.

That was too soon and I'm saying this as someone who is still with dp, and now has a nearly 5yo and 3yo.

Now we have two little people with big opinions we often mourn our carefree spontaneous life style.

Adore them all the same though.

happyhorse · 28/02/2012 11:42

We were together for 4 years before having a baby. DS came along 10 months after we married. I was keen to get going but with hindsight it would have been lovely to have had one more year together just the two of us.

Having children is wonderful but it's hard to imagine beforehand just how much you can't do once they arrive.

valiumredhead · 28/02/2012 12:05

I'm LOL at 'looked after kids so I know how hard it will be!'

kelly2525 · 28/02/2012 12:18

You know how hard it will be? No you dont.

Nobody does, its especially hard when you have a non sleeping one, trying to function everyday when you haven`t had more than two hours undisturbed sleep yet again, is a bit of a fucker.

Imvho youd be mad to want to want a baby with a man youve known for less time than it takes to cook a baby.

BarbarianMum · 28/02/2012 12:22

It's not just the relationship either. Are there things that you, as an individual, want to do that having children may affect/scupper. Travel, career development, write your first novel, sex on a beach???

Of course, you can do these things with kids or when they've grown but you know what, most people don't.

If he will make a good father now, he'll be just as good in a couple of years so unless you are over 35 honestly, give it time.

FullyImmersed · 28/02/2012 12:23

I was with DS's dad for over 4 years when I had DS, we broke up when DS was 8 months old.

I was 21 when I had DS, and I still felt far too young!

I wouldn't change DS for the world, but if I were too do it all again with this knowledge I would wait, for marriage, for mortage, for holidays, for an established career, then, when everything else is just right, I'd have DS, and maybe more..

NapaCab · 28/02/2012 12:33

Cool your jets a little. The one thing that DH and I often thought in those tough early weeks after DS was born is how glad we were that we'd had a good few years together as a couple to form a solid base for our relationship before we had our son. The lack of sleep and physical impact of pregnancy and childbirth are pretty intense. It made me wonder how couples who have a baby earlier manage to stay together.

Think about it: you're bleeding, hormonal, going to the loo with the door open, may have a stitched up vagina, have discharge from all ends, are getting your breasts chewed off on an hourly basis as you try to establish bf - you need a man there who is committed and level-headed. Not someone who is still in the honeymoon phase where he thinks you've just descended from heaven.

valiumredhead · 28/02/2012 12:37

I agree napa dh and I had been together 10 year sand I am sure we would've split up had we not had a 'solid base' as it was so bloody hard!

SarahBumBarer · 28/02/2012 12:44

Hi OP. Dh and I got married 8 months after we met. I was 34 at the time and he was 40 and we were both feeling our age and wanting children. We both wanted children but as impulsive as we were about rushing into getting married (we had our reasons) we did at least wait a little while before bringing children into the mix. I insisted that we have one year of marriage before TTC even knowing that would take me to 35 and officially over the hill and a BESH but I am so glad we did and I do know that I was lucky to get pg relatively easily (took 6 months which felt like an eternity at the time). having children was the best thing I have ever done but I wish I met DH when I was younger and that we had had a bit longer together as a couple. Don't rush it. Not ever having the option again of it just being the two of us is very hard and I'm so glad we got a few arguments and issues sorted out in advance of dealing with pregnancy and children together.

LiamsMummyJaz · 28/02/2012 12:54

OP - I went on a date with my partner on valentines day and he stopped the night and never went home since. Then 8 months later we started trying for a baby. I got pregnant but sadly miscarried after a few weeks. We tried again an 2 months later found I was pregnant again. I now have a 16 week old baby boy and we have never been happier and have now been together 2 years (valentines day just gone )

In the end it's your decision. Discuss it with your DP. If you feel you are ready whos to argue. Good luck x

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