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AIBU?

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Original poster

dd(12) insists that NO child likes doing homework or does it voluntarily

63 replies

shagmundfreud · 26/02/2012 21:29

.... apparently, which makes us incredibly unreasonable for insisting that she does an hour a night (she's in year 8).

I'm tearing my hair out about it. She's had detentions, she's been grounded, we've had terrible arguments. She will not do it, except in extremis when she's being threatened by her teachers with dire warnings, in which case she does the bare, bare minimum. The quality of her work when she does do it is very poor. Sad

DH and I are at the end of our tether with it. She also often fails to stay on task in class, talks a lot, doesn't complete work, is rude to her teachers (challenges them in class if they take issue with her behaviour).

She thinks this is 'normal' behaviour for a child of her age. We think not.

I'm sure there are children out there who make an effort and don't need constant nagging and threats to do homework.

OP posts:
Sarcalogos · 26/02/2012 21:30

Generally you don't sound unreasonable.... But what question are you asking?

Original poster
shagmundfreud · 26/02/2012 21:30

Do many/most children do their homework without constant threats and nagging?

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 26/02/2012 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/02/2012 21:32

There are plenty who do homework willingly. DD has done her homework as soon as she gets in from yr 6 and still does it now in yr 9.

We have always had it as a rule that she does it at the table with a snack and no tv/computer/games until it's done.

trumpeter · 26/02/2012 21:33

My kids both need prodding to do it and it drives me crazy. Unfortunately I think it's the norm to dislike it rather than like it, I hated it too so can sympathise with them. I think 1 hour per night is a lot. My dd is currently sitting her Highers (aged 16) and does 1-2 hours a night. I don't recall her doing an hour a night when she was your girl's age. What are the teachers recommending?

ceeveebee · 26/02/2012 21:34

I used to love homework, particularly maths (total geek). In fact I used to charge friends to do theirs for them!

I think 1 hour a night sounds excessive at that age though.

hiddenhome · 26/02/2012 21:34

tbh, I'd be more concerned about her challenging the teachers. She should learn some respect for the fact that they're trying to educate her and should have respect for adults in general at that age. ds1 is 13 and would be poleaxed if he cheeked his teachers. Your dd sounds like a bit of a madam and I'd be instigating boot camp if she did that at my house.

Trills · 26/02/2012 21:34

Doesn't matter if they like it or not - the school has rules and she has to follow them.

troisgarcons · 26/02/2012 21:35

Middle loved HW.

Eldest hated it .... years and years down the line, Y10 it transpired he had LDs ......so dont ignore the fact yoru child might be quite valid in her protestations....and I had the tears, the tantrums, the total melt downs from reception and HW .... by Y10 school just didnt figure any more.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2012 21:36

She sounds like I was at 12 years old.. an obnoxious brat who thought she knew better than everyone else and had an attitude that was horrendous...

I grew up eventually, but I was not the nicest teenager to live with, and looking back I put my parents through hell.

I wouldnt say her behaviour was abnormal, my own stepkids were pretty much the same too.

TrinityRhino · 26/02/2012 21:37

well you can tell her from me that she is talking NONSENSE

my dd1 will be 12 in march
she loves all schoolwork,homework, asks me to set more, think she doesn't have enough

my dd2 (7in april) is the same and spends hours writing stories to show her teacher and asking us to set her maths problems to solve

gecko is just 5 and she badgers me about her homework every day morning and night and asks to have sums written for her to do and tries to read everything she can get hold of

cory · 26/02/2012 21:38

I hate to say this, but there are 12yos who are already mature enough to be focused on a future career. Not all 12yo, naturally, but some.

The rest just have to be made to follow the rules. In their own interests: being rude to your superiors is rarely the way to get on in life.

TrinityRhino · 26/02/2012 21:39

being rude to teachers is not on, that is a discipline issue
she needs to behave

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 21:39

my dd is 16, taking gcse's this year

she was like this at 12

I advise you, for your own mental health and family relationships, to take a step back

we tried to take a hard line...it didn't work

we tried to leave her to it, and see if she used her own initiative, it didn't work

we tried getting teachers on board, tutors, threatening, withdrawing priviliges, drawing up agreements, grounding, giving rewards for work done blah blah blah

I have to say...with a couple of months to D-day, we could simply have saved our energy and mental anguish, because none of it made a blind bit of difference

kids want to study, or they do not

interestingly, my ds who is in yr 7 has started his high school years completely differently, despite the identical upbringing

save your energy, and preserve your relationship with your dd, really

< counts grey hairs and wrinkles >

there is a middle ground, and personaly I think forcing it at this relatively early stage is unproductive

TrinityRhino · 26/02/2012 21:39

cory speaks a lot of sense

purpleroses · 26/02/2012 21:40

DS is 12 and doesn't like doing it. Would rather not do it, and will usually do the bare minimum.

But he does generally do it. He accepts it as a fact of life, and I don't usually have to do more than remind him to do it.

Your DD does sound like she's pushing everyone around her more than some (most?) DCs do. What are her friends like? Is she part of a rather rebelious peer group? Or does she find school work particularly hard?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/02/2012 21:44

An hour a night is nothing IME

DS is 12 yo in Yr 7.
He's just completed a piece of homework that suggested 8 hours to complete.
Problem was, I found it in DS schoolbag and of course he'd no idea when it was for Hmm.
His homework is pretty full on, he gets about 4-5 lots a week. The on-line maths is quickest because he enjoys it and he doesn't have to write it out.
But he is very disorganised and it takes him forever to find things.We have a set of pencils,pens,paper at home because he tends to leave things at school.How convenient!

He does karate and rugby after school and we usually let him have Sunday or Saturday as an X-Box lazy day, depending on what he's got the next week.
No attitude with the teachers AFAIK

HolyNoSheDittantBatman · 26/02/2012 21:44

An hour a night sounds like loads tbh.

I don't think there are many teenagers that like doing homework tbh, maybe the odd project that catches their imagination, but not all of it all the time.

MaureenMLove · 26/02/2012 21:45

I'm with Anyfucker. Take a step back. Yr 8 is a difficult year anyway. They've got their feet under the table, so to speak, from going from the oldest to the youngest from Yr6 to 7 and some of them can go off the rails a bit.

I have battled with my DD and her homework for her entire school life and suddenly, in Yr11, with only one full term left before the exams start, she seems to be getting it!

Her behaviour in class and towards her teachers, may be something connected, it may not be, but if you relax a bit about homework, you might see a change.

Original poster
shagmundfreud · 26/02/2012 21:49

I just find it unbearable that she's squandering her time in the way she is.

She has no hobbies. None. Apart from watching soaps. She's very musical but can't be bothered to practice so has now given up piano and guitar. She won't read anything except trash (same rubbish books and magazines by her bed for months). She won't help me in the house with anything. She constantly asks for money/sleepovers/to go out. She doesn't seem to get it that you need to put something in to get something out in life generally.

All typical of Tweens I know but AAARGH! I can't stand another 6 years of watching her sloping around the house squealing into her phone, talking obsessively about shit tv and silting up her bedroom with dirty pants and sweet wrappers.

And before anyone asks - her dad and I are worn down with threatening/punishing/grounding etc. When is it going to sink in that she has to get her finger out? Honestly - I just want her to do SOMETHING constructive. Anything. As long as she shows some initiative.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 26/02/2012 21:52

This has come at a great time for me.

I have one who just gets his head down and does his homework, quickly and without fuss, often on the night it is set ( primary school)

the other is like your dd , op, not at school but re homework. He has very little ATM (y6) but i dread secondary school. However, he tells me he will do his homework if he is given detentions at secondary .........

WibblyBibble · 26/02/2012 21:52

Er I loved doing homework (at least for nice subjects like science, maths and english- less so for RE :P). My daughter isn't old enough to get much yet but is usually pretty eager to get on with it if she does (except filling in her reading record ffs, that is a constant battle as she says 'I've read it, why do I need to explain it').

Asinine · 26/02/2012 21:53

Nagging is counterproductive. Children need to learn to be self motivated and they will find their own personal responsibility more quickly when they realise that what they make of life is up to them.

Ours, ages 13, 11,9 and 7 do get on with homework independently, I don't check up on them, it's not an issue.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 21:53

OP, my dd, 16 "squanders" her time on Rihanna videos and shite US soaps and tv movies

get used to it

sorry, I don't want to "top trump" you, but you are best warned

it doesn't get any better Sad

chill, and save yourself

it sounds dramatic, but if you are this head-fucked now, by the time her gcse's come aroud you will be having a nervous breakdown < twitch >

purpleroses · 26/02/2012 21:54

Can you tie in money with getting homework done?

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