dd(12) insists that NO child likes doing homework or does it voluntarily

[shagmundfreud]

.... apparently, which makes us incredibly unreasonable for insisting that she does an hour a night (she's in year 8).

I'm tearing my hair out about it. She's had detentions, she's been grounded, we've had terrible arguments. She will not do it, except in extremis when she's being threatened by her teachers with dire warnings, in which case she does the bare, bare minimum. The quality of her work when she does do it is very poor.

DH and I are at the end of our tether with it. She also often fails to stay on task in class, talks a lot, doesn't complete work, is rude to her teachers (challenges them in class if they take issue with her behaviour).

She thinks this is 'normal' behaviour for a child of her age. We think not.

I'm sure there are children out there who make an effort and don't need constant nagging and threats to do homework.

Help

OP, there is very very little you can do. The only control you can really use is money. Money talks with teens, and these days phone credit talks too. Use them as a bargaining tool.

Blackmail and threats (which you have to carry out) are the only way with a teen who is determined that she will get her own way.

When she gets in from school, tell her she has to do her homework, THEN she can go on the internet. Record the soaps, tell her she can watch then AFTER she has done her homework.

Ban sleepovers unless she has proved she has done some work first. The only way with a stroppy teen is to be tough and mean it. Wishy washy doesnt work.. my mum was mincemeat.. I knew I could argue back and eventually she would just give in for an easier life..

I have a couple of threads in the teenage section that document my own personal "breakdowns"

my dd is the most infuriating, implacable, stubborn, articulate arguer you will ever meet (wonder where she gets that from...)

she will argue balck is white and that the whole world owes her a favour

she was never spoiled, never indulged, always had strong boundaries, has 2 parents with a strong work ethic, never given money for nothing

she has still turned into a bone idle teenager

My DD is Yr8, just turned 13. Gets roughly an hour homework a night (think that's considered the normal amount at this stage) - does it as a matter of course now without me having to remind her (I do check if she's done it or if she has much left before she goes round to her friend's house of an evening or sunday afternoon - nowadays she invariably has done it before asking if she can go).

So I'd say the OPs DD is BU - some children can do it by this age. As to enjoying it - some she quite enjoys, some is a chore.

She seems able to multi-task a bit - likes the TV on while she's working but (AFAIK) seems to be able to do the work OK. (At the moment it usually seems to be The Big Bang Theory for preference, she doesn't like soaps or celeb shite.)

I still have to check if she's packed her bag for the morning but she's getting better at that.

Flute practice OTOH.... 10 mins the night before the lesson doesn't cut it!

YY to money for good results or reports.
Loss of money for shoddy behaviour. Or confiscation of the X-Box cable.

And we have a rule re-homework diary. If DS doesn't write his homework in the correct day, he does it that night.
If he's given homework for 2/52 eg Dance (something he doesn't like) and he puts it in the day he was given it, not 2 weeks later on it's due date, I know he CBA to flick back through the pages.So he won't do it.
Luckily I scrutinise his diary (have to sign it too)

I hated HW with a passion, I did as little as humanly possible. I certainly didn't do an hour a night. I guess we got 4/5hrs a week if I'd done it all.

Get off her back, she needs to learn herself what level of work gets her good results.

How much time does the school think she should be spending on homework? I think it's unreasonable of you to expect her to do extra, but she should certainly do what's expected.

But I would be more concerned about her behaviour in school, to be honest. What's happening about that?

actually, I missed the backchatting teachers bit

no matter what traumas we have been through with dd 9ad there have been many) the continual refrain from her teachers has been "she is a lovely, personable girl, but she needs to concentrate on her work more..."

pretty much that from every teacher from yr 4 or so

never an incident of backchat, not nor a detention, nor a report of cheekiness

dissing the teachers is absolute dealbreaker in this house

sorry, poor typing in the last post, am having a "discussion" with dd right now

About the 'silted up bedroom' - my DD is horribly untidy. She wanted a sleepover for her birthday. She knew that it was simply not going to happen till she tidied her bedroom. So she did it. I suggest that if your DD wants sleepovers you insist she has her room at an acceptable standard for guests.

About the hobbies - is there anything that might interest her? Something active at the weekends maybe - skating (ice or roller), something like windsurfing in summer... is there anything you might do as a family which she might actually take to?

Switch everything off.

When she's done the work, she gets the computer/tv/iPad/iPhone.

If she doesn't do it, she gets them taken off her.

End of discussion.

And yes, it works.

As for signing HW diaries, DD is 14 not a reception child learning to read

My responsibility for HW begins with periodic "Have you got any home work?" and ends with proof reading (she's dyslexic).
I'm perfectly happy to provide any other reasonable assistance if asked.

But I'm sodding well not checking up on ever individual tiny bit of RE, PHSE etc etc if she's decided to forget them that's her look out. Anyway her HW diary is utterly illegible so checking it is a complete farce.

OK, I know we're lucky because she likes learning, wants to do well and dislikes getting in trouble. However, I also know I would have told buckets of fibs if my parents had had to get involved in my school work.

Just wondering - does your DD have any idea what she wants to do after GCSEs - is this something that she's discussed with you at all? If so does she have any idea what qualifications are needed?

As for signing HW diaries, DD is 14 not a reception child learning to read

We were expected to sign HW diaries in year 7 - I think some children were totally unaccustomed to HW in primary school and it was a bit of a steep curve for them, so that was probably a good idea. But from yr8 we are expected to butt out.

DD1 knows exactly what she wants to do and we've checked the entrance requirements for universities offer the course.
We had to, because DD absolutely hates MFL and being dyslexic isn't very good at them. Also with the best will in the world she can get reasonable grades, but not a string of A*s.

My dd is 12. Year 7.
She hates the homework with a passion. I don't make her do an hour a night. She just has to do whatever homework she's got. And I let her organise herself into doing it. If she ends up with a load to do by tomorrow, then that's her look out.
She also hates school & we have trouble every morning.

Saying that I was talking to some parents the other week & apparently their kids come home & do their homework straight away. liars

That's good, startail - I was wondering more about the OP, if there was some way to give her DD a similar reality check to motivate her.

My DD never does her HW straight away - always chills, usually has dinner first. I wouldn't try to make a tired, hungry kid do HW.

Do many adults like doing work in their leisure time? Nope thought not, why should children be any different?

However, it is a neccesary evil and she needs to be self motivated to do it. You are beating your head against a brick wall by trying to make her do it.

Let her go her own sweet way and face the consequences. A few months of being clapped in detention, bollocked by teachers on a regular basis and actually doing the work turns into a lot less hassle than facing the consequences of NOT doing it.

Do many adults like doing work in their leisure time?

If the school expects an hour's independent work per day, then that by definition isn't 'leisure time' - it an alternative to spending an extra hour per day physically in school. (Some children do their 'homework' in lunchbreaks or in the library after school). Its more like having a job description which includes an hour working from home. If your kids are whinging 'snot fair', try to adjust their perception.

My son is in year 9. Luckily enough the school doesn't dish out much homework. But detests it and I just tell him to do it but never check what he's done - it's not worth the upset.

I don't agree with homework anyway. But rules are rules.

DS12 loathes homework & refuses to do it (mostly). I rarely did any when I was his age, too. DD10 is self-motivating & does it all off her own back so that she keeps her social life (loses lunchtime play if homework not done). I don't think anyone does it for fun.

Shagmundfreud,
Do you limit the amount of time she can spend watching soaps?
How does she get her money for phone, magazines, make-up, etc.?
Does she do jobs around the house (must she do them?)

I just find it unbearable that she's squandering her time in the way she is.

It would peeve me, too, I am working on the theory that you have to find what does motivate them, and encourage them heavily at that. Once they find how to motivate themselves at one thing I'm hoping that will spill over into motivating themselves to do the boring stuff.

Ds is 10 (yr5) and is set a piece of writing homework to do every weekend. Nothing like as much as he will get when he moves into secondary school. I am dreading when he does because even with the little he has to do now, he hates every moment of it and I practically have to stand next to him checking every letter as he writes it. If he's left to it, he will sit there and stare into space, start reading a book, sneakily play a game, generally find something utterly irrelevant to do, anything to avoid doing the work. God only knows what he's going to be like by year 8

Here are some ideas on ways to make homework less painful for everyone.

I used to object too all homework on principle, but would get it done and sometime surprise myself when I found some topics enjoyable.