to feel upset that dh never does anything proactive for my birthday

soggy14 · 2012-02-26T19:44:12+00:00

I just wish that he'd put some thought into getting me something for once rather than my having to tell him to or just forget it. The problem now is that the kids want to get "somethign for mummy" but he will not even arrange that so I end up with all the stress of the children being upset if they find out. The same happens every year for mother's day [sad] Partly I feel rotten for minding and partly stressed about the kids finding out. It isn't so much that I want any "stuff" - just that I want to feel that it matters to someone.

Marshy · 26/02/2012 19:52

Poor you. Of course it's not unreasonable to want to be thought about on your birthday and on mother's day. Have you told him how you feel?

destinyorfate · 26/02/2012 20:08

:(

YANBU

I am older than I care to tell :) but I have only ever had one birthday party in my entire life and that was organised by a friend when I was 40!!!!!

Needless to say my 'D'H is hopefully to be my STBXDH :) As for my parents well... :(

You do deserve more!

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 26/02/2012 20:10

:( YANBU
Do you do stuff for his?

TheArmadillo · 26/02/2012 20:17

YANBU - it is not about stuff its about the thought.

Could you tell the kids when its your birthday/mothers day coming up and get them to put pressure on him.

Also if you buy birthday/mothers day/fathers day presents for his family - stop.

For mothers day coming up tell him you are not buying or preparing any food for lunch or dinner so he will need to sort something out.

Stop doing stuff for his birthday/fathers day (this may not work for a while if they are not for months and months).

Original poster

soggy14 · 26/02/2012 21:30

He never likes anything that I buy/get/make him for his birthday. He takes everything I buy back or ridicules it so I have almost gien up. I always get him something but he says that he'd rather get stuff himself as he knows exactly what he wants (he doesn't seem to get the idea that you may want something because someone else bought it for you).

The kids find out about mother's day from school and it is often a completel nightmare as they get upset about it. dh says that as I am "not his mother" then it is irrelevant to him. He equally refuses to celebrate father's day.

I don't want a party or anything complicated - it would just be nice if he got me a bunch of daffodils and a cake or similar - or got the kids to bed early so we could have a bottle of wine without my having to do all the planning to get them to bed, buy the wine etc.

OP posts:

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 26/02/2012 21:35

Sounds a bit shit to me. I would be upset by all of that. Can you give the kids a fiver each and then go shopping with them but give them 5 mins to run off and get you something? (don't know how old they are so perhaps take a friend with you) That way, they don't have to feel bad about it.

Marshy · 26/02/2012 21:37

He sounds very uncaring, about you and the children tbh. Do you have any family who could help the children prep for mother's day?

Not sure what to suggest. He sounds like an arse.

:( for you. You deserve better.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/02/2012 21:39

He sounds like a tosser. Does he have any good qualities?

mrspnut · 26/02/2012 21:41

I would be furious about his lack of disregard. You might not be his mother but you are the mother of his children and as such he needs to help them celebrate that. He also needs to pull his finger out and sort out something for your birthday.
My OH is a dimwit, he doesn't have much imagination and I often need to spell things out to him but he still makes a bit of an effort.

pchick · 26/02/2012 21:43

You are not alone. Ds 2 was due on Mothers Day. Did I get an special treatment for being 9 months pregnant, and it being Mothers Day. No! ( this was 10 years ago. Me, bitter?!)

mercibucket · 26/02/2012 21:46

Well, he does sound like he's trying to be horrible but ...
For mothers day - our school usually make something - can the kids just draw a picture or similar?
For birthday, I agree with your dh about the presents - so don't get him anything. If he's like me, he will find it just as upsetting/annoying as you find it when he doesn't buy you anything
But that doesn't give him the right to not try to do what you want for your birthday either, so sympathies. He sounds like he's dug his heels in and is being a twat. Just treat yourself to mega expensive stuff - maybe that will concentrate his mind next time

mercibucket · 26/02/2012 21:46

Well, he does sound like he's trying to be horrible but ...
For mothers day - our school usually make something - can the kids just draw a picture or similar?
For birthday, I agree with your dh about the presents - so don't get him anything. If he's like me, he will find it just as upsetting/annoying as you find it when he doesn't buy you anything
But that doesn't give him the right to not try to do what you want for your birthday either, so sympathies. He sounds like he's dug his heels in and is being a twat. Just treat yourself to mega expensive stuff - maybe that will concentrate his mind next time

butterfingerz · 26/02/2012 22:13

Treat yourself! I agree with giving your kids some money to buy you something (friend or family to take them?). Or arrange like a birthday tea with your kids, take them out or get some party type food and do it at home. Put some balloons up! They'd have fun celebrating with you. Maybe your DH will feel guilty but who cares? Have fun with yourself and your kids, invite some other family or friends round. I know how you feel, my DP is similar.

2kidsintow · 26/02/2012 22:17

Soggy, are you secretly married to my DH too?

He dislikes birthdays and wants no-one to make any fuss on his. He even questions whether the kids 'need' a birthday party every year and how old they will be when they can stop.

He says that I can have cards/gifts for mother's day if and when the kids are old enough and care enough to make/buy one themselves.

To top it all, my birthday is the day after Valentine's (which he also hates) and that is the perfect reason, apparently, not to go out for a meal as it will be busy and expensive. Gah!

The kids (10 and 7) have trained him a bit though in the last couple of years and for the last few years and for the last 2 years he has gone to the supermarket and got a few bits to make a birthday tea - only sandwiches and a cheap birthday cake, but the kids are happy.

This year, for his birthday I've got him something I think he WILL like. It is v expensive, but it's alright as it will sell really well on ebay if he doesn't like it.

Greenshirt · 26/02/2012 22:27

2kids-are you insane? Why on earth are you bothering to get the miserable sod anything at all?

Marshy · 26/02/2012 22:34

What a lot of miserable men there are around. I just showed my DH some of this thread as he has tendancies in this direction too. He manages birthdays ok, but anything else is a bit of a stretch. It made him think, what with everyone being on the 'what a tosser' square.

FredFredGeorge · 26/02/2012 22:36

2kidsintow Why are you buying a present, particularly an expensive one for someone who dislikes birthdays and doesn't want anyone to make a fuss? If he didn't like cheese would you force that on him because you like cheese, if he didn't play tennis would you force him to play simply because you do? He doesn't like it, he doesn't want you to make a fuss - why are you forcing your values on him?

Respecting his choice on how he celebrates his birthday, will likely make him a lot more willing to respect your choice on how you celebrate yours.

As mercibuckets says, a DP probably should make the effort to celebrate an occasion how their DP wants. So it is rude to ignore your partners wishes, so YANBU for wanting him to (although you are for buying him stuff for his), but if he hates the entire occasions rather than just on a personal level, then it could be difficult and you need to come to some accommodation about what he is willing to do.

HansieMom · 27/02/2012 00:27

On my first Mother's Day, my son was 11 months old. I got nothing, as I was not my DH's mother. It hurt then and still does, and my son is 43 years old!