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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand this?

55 replies

extremepie · 26/02/2012 13:07

I was having a conversation with my sister the other day about the fact that some people are fine with having children with someone else but don't want to get married.

Now, I have no issue with people wanting to stay with their partner and not be married to them but what I can't understand is how some people don't mind having a child with someone, (who is then in both of your lives forever whether you like it or not) but don't like the idea of being married.

Surely having a baby with someone means you are intrinsically linked to that person? You have brought another soul into the world? Surely that is more important than signing a bit of paper together? If you wanted to get divorced from your other half you can rip up that paper and never see that person again if you choose but a baby is a huge step for a couple to take.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

whiskyfudge · 26/02/2012 13:09

1950 called, it wants its attitudes back.

jojo1983 · 26/02/2012 13:10

I have a baby and am still with the dad but we are not married it dont bother me it dont bother the dad and our baby is happy healthy and looked after. Why should us being married matter to anyone as long as the baby is looked after?

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 13:10

What a load of old fashioned, dated rubbish!!

Have you seen the divorce rate??

Tinwe · 26/02/2012 13:10

I think that's the point. Many people who have kids together feel they have already given the ultimate commitment and don't need paper or a ring to prove that.

suburbophobe · 26/02/2012 13:10

LOL, whisky!

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 13:11

whiskey well said!

ginmakesitallok · 26/02/2012 13:12

DP and I have been together for 19 years - have 2 DC and are not married. I don't really see the point in being married - as you say we are intrinsically linked through the children and they are much more important to us than any bit of paper. (I do understand the legal implications of not being married - that's all sorted)

Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 26/02/2012 13:12

It's just a bit of paper and a wedding is an expensive waste of money. Don't see the point these days TBH.

DP and I have been together 11 years..... longer than some marriages last...

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 13:14

Oh and a 'baby' is just that..... A baby!! Not a reason to

fbnomore · 26/02/2012 13:14

a piece of paper is making it official. lots of people think they are rebels by not getting the paper. It doesnt mean anything, they just think its cool, and non old fashioned.

fwiw, I think the piece of paper is important, but not as important as the social structure surrounding the bit of paper. some people manage just fine without it because they have the social support to ensure they have help when things go wrong. others dont. divorce rates mean nothing, you have to look at the rates of people splitting up, whether they have the bit of paper or not.

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 13:14

Get married/divorced..

RitaMorgan · 26/02/2012 13:14

Exactly, having a child with someone is a lifelong, irreversible commitment.

If you have made that commitment, why is it necessary to also make the less permanent commitment of marriage?

SydSaid · 26/02/2012 13:14

I think you seem to be under the illusion that commitment=marriage. Marriage is a social construct, not a natural one. Marriage doesn't keep people together just as having children doesn't keep people together.

My relationship with my ex lasted longer than his relationship with the woman he married. If people chose to marry, great. If people don't, great. Isn't it fabulous that we live in a society that we aren't forced to take on other peoples values?

ladyintheradiator · 26/02/2012 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 13:16

The divorce bit of paper usually follows.... That's just as important....2 in 3 marriages according to a MN thread the other day

Who is the 'rebel' then??

BillyBollyBandy · 26/02/2012 13:17

I understand completely that some people don't want to get married, full stop regardless of whether they want dc or not.

I don't understand people who do want to get married but plan dc first. I would have thought that marriage, if you want it, is a natural first step and dc would come next.

I appreciate however there is no logic behind my argument. I think perhaps my Sunday School upbringing has had more of an effect than I thought!

Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 26/02/2012 13:17

Why is the paper necessary? If you commit to someone then the paper is irrelevant surely?

FabbyChic · 26/02/2012 13:19

I had two kids with my ex, I never wanted to marry him thanks, he was an utter bastard, emotionally and mentally, took me 9 years to get out of that relationship, then two years of injunctions to get rid of him. The kids were the only good thing to come out of it.

Kayzr · 26/02/2012 13:19

I think it's up to the individual couple and no one else's business.

I want to be married because I love my DP but I don't think that means I love him more than someone who doesn't want to get married.

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2012 13:19

A marriage isn't a wedding, gaining "that piece of paper", doesn't cost much, don't confuse the two.

OP i think there are a number of reasons as to why people don't choose to get married ,but i see your point.

My marriage, was just that, mine, with our rules and expected behaviour and not something from the 1950's.

I chose my husband, not my parents, so that is who i wanted to be linked to, emotionally and legally. Not everyone can trust their parents and want to break that link.

I could see the point of not getting married, in years gone by, that way the man had no rights to the child and so the woman could walk away, now he does have rights, so the link is forever there.

FabbyChic · 26/02/2012 13:19

My kids weren't planned, I just didn't abort does that make me a bad person for keeping them?

gamerwidow · 26/02/2012 13:19

For a lot people people marriage doesn't equal commitment it's just an irrelevant formality.
It is possible to be deeply commited to another person without being married to them. I'm afraid your views on marriage, children and commitment are outdated and out of touch.

whiskyfudge · 26/02/2012 13:19

YABVU to 'not understand this', yes. Imagine living in a society where you were expected to sign your life away to marry a man because he had inseminated you.

Original poster

extremepie · 26/02/2012 13:21

Not sure how I am being old-fashioned?

Like I said, if a couple has kids and is not married that's fine, no issues there! Whether you are married when you have kids is not what I'm asking about.

As an example, I was watching some programme (possibly something Jk-esque?) where there was a couple having an arguement because the woman was upset that her boyfriend wouldn't marry her.

I think they had 2 kids.

When asked why he didn't want to get married he said something along the lines of ' I don't want the commitment, I don't want to feel like I'm tied down'.

That attitude is what I find hard to understand since they already had children!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 26/02/2012 13:21

YABU.
Live and let live.
Might not be the way you choose, but it doesn't make it wrong for others.

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