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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand this?

55 replies

extremepie · 26/02/2012 13:07

I was having a conversation with my sister the other day about the fact that some people are fine with having children with someone else but don't want to get married.

Now, I have no issue with people wanting to stay with their partner and not be married to them but what I can't understand is how some people don't mind having a child with someone, (who is then in both of your lives forever whether you like it or not) but don't like the idea of being married.

Surely having a baby with someone means you are intrinsically linked to that person? You have brought another soul into the world? Surely that is more important than signing a bit of paper together? If you wanted to get divorced from your other half you can rip up that paper and never see that person again if you choose but a baby is a huge step for a couple to take.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
rhondajean · 26/02/2012 13:23

Careful whiskey we are back to the fifties again with the concept of women being passive recipients of semen there!

I actually get the op completely. And yes marraige is a social construct but it'd one which you can extricate yourself from, parenting isn't.

Since when did marraige become a dirty word? I am proud to be married. That's more to do with choosing the right person though I suspect.

SydSaid · 26/02/2012 13:25

Who said marriage is a dirty word? I've not seen anyone post anything resembling that.

Original poster
extremepie · 26/02/2012 13:25

Thank you rhonda!

OP posts:
Iamweasel · 26/02/2012 13:25

For us marriage is primarily a religious thing. I know in modern times it's moved away from that, but that's where it's roots are. That's essentially why marriage exists

We're heathens so for us being joined in holy matrimony is not important

Hth

diddl · 26/02/2012 13:25

I think I get you OP.

If you have children you are committed to each other, so why does marriage seem such an anathema?

OlympicEater · 26/02/2012 13:27

I hope all of those that don't see the point of getting married have put in place a legal framework to protect yourselves in the event of a split / bereavement etc.

There are lots of other threads detailing the importance of this elsewhere so I won't bang on about it, but some people are still unaware of how precarious their situation could become as they believe in the myth of common-law status.

FuttBugly · 26/02/2012 13:28

Having watched the hassle, faff, expense and stress a close friend went through organising her wedding I can't think of much I'd rather do less tbh.

Dp and I have been together ten years and have two dds. We're perfectly happy as we are thanks. If it bothers anyone else that we're not married then that's their problem.

weevilswobble · 26/02/2012 13:30

Doesnt anyone aspire to a life long commitment? Marriage does actually prepare you and checks out with the support of others whether you are both doing the right thing.

Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 26/02/2012 13:33

Weevil how do you mean? Can you explain that a bit more?

I'm prepared for a life long commitment and I'm not worried about being married. What I put into our relationship would be the same if we were married. We are a family. Smile

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2012 13:36

OP that was my point.

I had control over the man i picked to share my life with, that was empowering and isn't something that other women have, in other socireties.

I had no control over the family that i was born into. The UK legalsystem had decided that they had say over my life, under the Mental Health Act etc.

I could see some posters POV,if you could divorce yourself from your family and therefor "the state" is your next of kin, but you cannot.

Women can make the right choice, that is the true meaning of feminism, we are not passive and we shouldn't seek todominate our partners.

Our relationships can be good quality and life enhancing. Us being a victim isn't inevitable.

I had a relationship and then a marriage, because that was my choice, not for my self worth. That is what has changed since the 1950's, women didn't have status until they married. I think that women should re-claiming alot that was destroyed by needing to fight Patriarchy

I know choose not to live with my partner.

troisgarcons · 26/02/2012 13:40

I'd be interested - out of pure curiosity - if the divorce rate is roughly 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce (meaning 2 in 3 don't) ........... what the split up rate is for co-habittees?

how many people do you co-habit with, if you aren't the marrying kind, before you find one that sticks around? First time lucky? second or is it more like 5? 10? Because the more I read this forum there seems to be a whole lot of bed hopping and a succession of co-habiting partners when people discuss their relationships.

fraiserno · 26/02/2012 13:49

It would be interesting if there could be an annonymous survey carried out on the children of couples not married to see how they feel. I saw a programme recently the one about the big families and was really touched when the children were so delighted that their mum and dad were finally going to get married. It said a lot about children who don't have a say but are supposed to.

PeahenTailFeathers · 26/02/2012 13:52

I don't think you're being that unreasonable.
I'm 28 weeks pregnant and have no interest in pursuing a relationship with the father for various reasons, but I understand your argument when parents are together and marriage is on the cards at some point. You may as well get married first and have children later rather than the other way round.
And yes, it is a bit late for the man to be worried about the commitment of marriage if his partner has had children to him and wants to get married.

troisgarcons · 26/02/2012 13:53

I'd be curious too, whether children view marriage as stability because I hear and awful lot of 'mums new BFs moved in ...." and no one ever asks the children if they are comfortable with it; comfortable in acquiring new step siblings, giving up space and possessions, bounced between various sets of parents.

MrsKittyFane · 26/02/2012 14:08

OP do you mean this?:

No problem with a couple having DC before getting married.

No problem with a couple having DC with no intention of getting married.

Can't understand why a couple with DC would say they don't want to get married because it's too much of a commitment (when by having DC you are making a huge commitment to each other).

If that's what you mean then YANBU.
I don't think some people see having DC as a commitment to their partner - strangely :(

Original poster
extremepie · 26/02/2012 14:35

Yes MrsKitty that is exactly what I meant!

Marriage is a big commitment and whether or not you choose to enter into it is absolutely your own decision and is fine with it either way.

I think though, in the scheme of things. having children is a bigger commitment and I would think it a bit strange if you didn't think it was a big deal!

OP posts:
FuttBugly · 26/02/2012 14:49

Ah I get it OP. Sorry, misunderstood you before.

I see having DC as more of a commitment than marriage because there's no undoing it is there?

Honeydragon · 26/02/2012 14:56

I get what the op means

If a couple have dcs and are a bit indifferent to marriage, ie it's not something important to them, fine.

But my dh works with someone who has two children with his dp and has been with her for over 15 years (probably nearer 20) and refuses point blank to marry her. Stating her does not want to be tied down or forced into a commitment. He doesn't use religion or not believing in marriage as an argument as he does.

Leaves dh and I a bit Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2012 14:57

Why the need for some to be insulting? So rude! You don't agree with the OP, fine, no need to bleat on about 1950s and so on. I couldn't care less whether somebody is married/unmarried with or without children but I wouldn't do it myself, I think children are better off born within marriage.

LilacWaltz · 26/02/2012 15:56

Why are they better off born within marriage?

rhondajean · 26/02/2012 16:11

I think half of it is to do with the pressure that people feel to have a massive wedding these days.

It is very very hard to find unbiased statistics, ie. not people peddling a particular religious or liberal agenda, but the overall evidence would seem to be that cohabiting parents split more often than married parents. That's in response to someone asking up thread about it btw.

And I do find someone likening being married to signing your life away insulting. Perhaps if you make a poor choice of spouse it is.

bobbledunk · 26/02/2012 16:13

I hate weddings.

diddl · 26/02/2012 16:45

"Having watched the hassle, faff, expense and stress a close friend went through organising her wedding I can't think of much I'd rather do less tbh."

But it doesn´t have to be like that to get married, does it?

puds11 · 26/02/2012 19:59

i have a child with my DP
I will never get married though as i do not believe marriage is right for me. I also dont like the 'pressure' of promising to love someone till i die

Original poster
extremepie · 27/02/2012 11:08

My DH's best friend has an 11yr old son and he is adament that he will never get married to anyone (we've had many discussions about this) and I respect that, he feels that is the best choice for him :)

I do feel that sometimes couples give more thought to getting married, with all the cost and planning it entails, than they do to having sex and by extention, getting pregnant and having kids :D

It's funny actually, that people moan about the cost of getting married, can't afford it etc (getting married can be soooo expensive after all!) but raising a child is so much more expensive!

I bet if you asked the majority of couples who were both 16(ish) if they had thought about getting married they would be horrified at the idea - if you asked them what they thought about having sex they'd probably be all for it, even if it meant the possibility that they might get pregnant and have a baby!

OP posts: