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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DS (4) to change out of girls clothes.

60 replies

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 13:58

How would you handle this? I'm at a bit of a loss. DS is 4.5 now and pretty much the same size as DD (5.5). More and more often lately he's been wanting to wear her clothes. I'm not one for gender stereotyping, both do football and DS wants his nails painted if DD has hers done. Generally he's naturally a very 'boyey' boy: loves cars, fire engines and boy stuff.

I don't normally bat en eyelid, assuming it's a phase. However, today, he is in DD's pink cords with hearts on the knees, and a very pink t-shirt with a pink heart on his chest. Shortly we are off to my in-laws house and I think they would be quite taken aback. DH is similarly laid back but has drawn the line taking him out like this today. How / why do I tell him he has to wear his own clothes?

OP posts:

D0oinMeCleanin · 25/02/2012 14:01

Aww let him wear the pink things. If your inlaws have a problem with it that's their issue, not your sons. I would hope they are grown up enough to not mention anything to ds himself?

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 14:03

Well, I'd let him wear it, but I hate gender stereotypes and think one of the best ways to overcome the horrible level of sexism in the world is to stop telling little boys that it's 'bad' for them to like 'girly' things.

If you must get him out of the outfit, just tell him that's his sister's outfit and to please put something of his own on.

Just to ask you, what if it's not a phase? If the roles were reversed, would it bother you at all? Would you ask your DD to change out of her brother's clothes before being seen in public? Because if the answer is no, you are teaching your children that 'girls things' are of lesser value and shameful for boys.

Jackstini · 25/02/2012 14:05

If he's comfy and not cold don't think it really matters at this age.
I know my dh would be funny about it though

Original poster

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 14:09

Interesting point, Annie, I'd have no problem letting DD go out in DS's clothes, in fact I'd probably like it. What's that all about then?

Bless, I just told him he looks beautiful today, to see if he'd discuss his outfit choice, and he said, "I know, I was thinking about flowers."

OP posts:

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 14:13

let him wear them

in my eyes, it's the same as playing with dolls.

It doesn't cause a problem, just children being children. won't be long before he has his boundaries set by peers, and it's important for his development not to see "this is for boys this is for girls"
(means we'll have less of the glass ceiling when his generation grows up)

AKMD · 25/02/2012 14:13

YANBU, I'd ask him to get changed. Like it or not, in this society boys do not wear pink clothes with hearts and flowers on them outside the house and letting them do so just smacks of being oh-so liberal.

AKMD · 25/02/2012 14:13

*and wanting the world to know it.

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 14:15

AKMD - and how will we change society (which is inherently sexist) if we don't challenge the norms? Do you have daughters? Do you want them to live in a society which values them less than boys?

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 14:17

I agree, Annie.
it's pathetic.

To throw a spanner in, I could see the issue a bit more if DS had chosen a skirt or dress, but even if he had, it's his choice.

VoodooKitten · 25/02/2012 14:18

I wouldn't make him change. But I'd probably ring the in-laws before you arrive to 'warn' them not to make any daft comments in front of him (if they are the type to do so).

Original poster

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 14:18

I agree with the sexist society thing, but I worry about opening him up to ridicule without understanding the big debate.

AKMD, I'm not trying to prove anything here, I'm trying to let my boy express himself.

OP posts:

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 14:20

the big debate is that he wants to dress like that.

why should society tell him he can't?
it's totally harmless.

suburbandream · 25/02/2012 14:22

Well, it wouldn't bother me but if you are worried about what the inlaws might say or think, could you make up an excuse such as "those trousers really need a wash, let's put something smart on before we go to gran's" etc? Could you compromise and let him wear the t-shirt if he had boyish trousers - lots of boys tops are pink

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2012 14:22

These threads always end up in a bun fight

OP, if you don't want him going out like that then why don't you tell him (in general) to wear his own clothes?

I didn't even wear my sister's clothes because they belonged to...well to her

You don't have to make a fuss or an issue of it, just separate their wardrobes.

Original poster

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 14:24

I do think that what's more disturbing is adults making assumptions about a child's sexuality based on their appearance. Because let's not beat about the bush, what people are assuming is that he is/will be gay. Whether he is or isn't, he's blissfully unaware for now.

OP posts:

Original poster

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 14:27

suburbandream: he has gone outside to wash the car with DH, and I'd put him back in his clothes, so didn't have to address the issue this time. Interesting idea to separate their wardrobes more, though.
Worra - I'm not interested in a bun fight, just wondering how others would handle the same situation.

OP posts:

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 14:49

well, someone has to challenge the assumptions.

cherrytopping · 25/02/2012 14:54

I would ask him to change to his own clothes and not wear his own.

Why?

Well, I think its unhealthy, not because of the clothes he's wearing, but more because of the 'hero-worship' of his sister and think its a slightly unhealthy development of the relationship that he want to be like her. For both of them.

I speak as someone who has a sibling who has GID and very liberally minded parents as a child and an adult.

I think it is important for him to develop his own identity and not to try and copy someone else and be just like them even from that age.

fuzzPigwickPapers · 25/02/2012 14:58

I'd let him.

Nothing wrong with trying out other people's identities on the path to finding your own, IMO :)

Original poster

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 14:59

Cherry -interesting angle and I will bear it in mind.

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 25/02/2012 15:05

WEll he's not wearing girl's clothes is he? - he's wearing pink clothes that happen to belong to his sister. He could just have easily have chosen those colour clothes for himself.

It's a colour, - which at some point has very artificially become associated with being a girl. Little children often don't bother about 'rules' - they go with what they like. I see no problem.

I also think that the idea he is copying his sister's identity is debateable. He didn't say he wanted to look like his sister, he said he was thinking about flowers. And if he wants to join in lots of the things she does, - why not? they are close in age I expect the sister enjoys similar activities too.

Trying new things, different things, the same things as other people is all part of working out ones identity - most children go through a hero worship phase where they want to be like a big sibling, or like batman or a fairy or whatever, greater sense of individual identity comes when they area bit older.

If the in laws don't like it, tough - why should he have to pretend not to like things that he does?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 25/02/2012 15:07

I'd let him. My youngest boy always liked wearing frocks at that age - sadly for him we don't have any at home as he doesn't have sisters, but there are photos in his Early Years book from Reception year of him "choosing to dress as a princess". Lots of photos.

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 15:08

cherry - assumption that he wants to be like his sister, but even if he did, why the fuck is that a problem?

chipmunksex · 25/02/2012 15:08

I wouldn't mind if they were his clothes, but I think your dd has a right to think her clothes are for her use only.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 25/02/2012 15:08

I'd let him wear them. My no4 son likes many of the same things DD likes, they play fairies and princesses together sometimes and make up stories and draw pictures and so on, all stuff that is often considered "girly". It's just what he likes to do. He's quite picky about his clothes, and will refuse to wear something if it doesn't fit with what he wants that day. He can't wear DDs clothes as they wouldn't fit him, and thinking about it, she'd go beserk - her wardrobe is her castle but he has a couple of pink tops, and one with a sort of abstract glittery butterfly design in purple and lilac and yellow.
DH has never said anything - he doesn't mine what they wear as long as they're dressed. I wonder why your DH has "drawn the line"? is he thinking other people will comment and maybe upset DS, or is he "embarassed" on his own account not wanting to be seen with a boy in pink?
I read somewhere (or maybe it was on QI that pink was originally seen as a masculine colour and implied strength and character, and it's fairly recently become a girl's colour. Years ago many boys and men wore it apparently...
We did once get a snotty comment in a shop - DD wanted a ring, they were made of hundreds of tiny beads all looped and tied into a big flower, and there was a big basket to choose from. She chose one and DS picked one up too. They were spending their own money on holiday, and they were both happy and trying them on when the bitchy cow woman behind us in the queue remarked loudly that they were "girl's things, not for you" to DS and he put it back Both me and the lady on the checkout tried to persuade him that he could still have one if he wanted, but the silly woman had spoiled it for him and he wouldn't :( All the pleasure just drained from his little face and I have never been so tempted to smack someone in my life. I resisted but it was a close call.

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